TEWAHILA KEYA (Turtle Love)

rambling the catch up

2011-11-28T21:01:00.000-06:00

Been gone forever, again. But I've been living life. An incredible, mind blowing, tear jerking (in a good way) life.

Months ago, we sold the ranch and moved the hell out of VULGARTINE.THANK EFFING GAWD!!!!

I haven't looked back and I've been my happy, ecstatic self ever since. I even wrote about it, at LAAH.

We are in SD, in the town that makes us smile and be free! Turtle loves it, she has children all over the neighborhood to play with, and i have mommas to talk to and art museums to go to, and a plethora of natural food stores to visit. I am SOOO in my element!!

Turtle continues to grow into this mind blowing amazing human being. She's soo perfect. We loves her sooo much! She tried the whole preschool thing, and was waay ahead of her classmates and she said, "I'm not going back." so she wont. fine with me. I hope she never wants to go to a brick and mortar school. I have many reasons for that, ASSimilation being one of them. Brick and mortar schools are just another form of assimilation for Lakota children. Monkey training grounds. Um, I gave birth to a baby, not a monkey; I plan on keeping her that way.
Been thinking about just how much my time in vulgertine messed up my parenting while I was there. I hope to gawd I didnt screw Turtle up in some irreparable way. The problem is i see myself doing it still at times; parenting for others. I have done it at my In laws, I found myself doing it at my sisters. It sucks (for Turtle) and it is just plain WRONG!!!! The only person I have to make happy with my parenting skills are Tunkasila and Turtle. And the way I was parenting her in those situations, we to keep the people around me happy, when that souldn't have even been a consideration. ugh. I could beat myself up all night about that one. But I need to stop.
anyway, I'm in the middle of working on a curriculum for her, because she does like to do "homework" and the homeschool book I got for her is NOT challenging enough, So mine is Lakota and Sign Language. She loves that. I love watchign her go get her book, and bring it to me, and say, "let's do work Ina." okay, let's.

I went to Miami U last month, she and mihigna ki came too, and it was awesome. the time on the road sucked for various reasons, but she kept us in perspective, and they all lvoed her of course. Because she's a rock star!!!

my dear readers

2011-10-17T22:31:00.000-05:00

so much has happened., I've been gone so long, but you my dears, have not. So, I will try to post in here more. there is much to tell. I'm gearing up to leave for a public reading/ visitng writer gig, so I will not have any time to catch you up this week. But I will be back! xoxox to you for your faithfullness. back soon, promise!
always, Turtle Ina

Late night Ina worries.

2011-02-23T01:06:00.000-06:00

Oh my love,
I have so many posts to catch up on your sweet little life here, but this one is burning, so I have to air this one, for me.
You talked today again, of wanting to go to school. We will not be leaving here until next june. My immediate gut reaction to you going to school here, is not a good one. My gut tightens, my heart races. I. DO. NOT. LIKE. THESE. SCHOOLS. I sent you to one preschool and the woman DID not embrace, honor or recognize your sacredness, in fact she manhandled you and tried to train you like all her other little monkeys.
You, my love, ARE NOT a monkey. You are my heart. You are Joy, perfection, personified.
I do not want you trained. I do not want them making, leading you, training you to stop listening to yourself and start listening to outside resources, people, things, to make decisions about you and your life.
  I know, I have messed up as your Ina, but I'm trying to fix it. I've made you feel as if you have to change your answers to fit my happiness. I hate that about me, and I beat myself up for it everyday. I can only sleep talk it away, and hope and pray that your heart heals and returns to its regular, unbruised state.
  But back to the school thing. I am really not comfortable with you going to this school. any of these schools. I want you to remain your organic self. When we move to MT, I will be willing to let you try school, because they have discovery schools there, they have Montessori schools there, they have just about any kind of school you could imagine. But not here, here, it's all meat and potatoes, no variety. They want you to get in your box, and stay there. And if I wanted a box dweller, i'd have bought us a doll; not cared for and labored and rallied for a precious, living, breathing sacred soul. I have heard of far too many kindergarten and first graders who bear scars from their school experience.
   You, are like me, an empath, a sensitive soul, and I dont want anyone trampling on that. I"d have to go all momma bear on them. What too many parents realize, retro actively, is that some scars cannot be erased, simply healed, but they will always be there. I DON'T want that for you. Its my/our job to keep you intact.
  I love you more than ANYTHING in this world, and I want you safe, healhty, and happy.
I have more to say on this, but you are rustling, you'll be calling for me soon, so I need to go.

love you lots beautiful, sacred Turtle.

a blathery sort of story that has a confusing message.

2011-02-05T02:40:00.000-06:00

I know I say this alot, but i'm gonna say it again.
i have a lot to say. A lot has happened.
I'm only going to give you the breezy version here.

This week was founder's week at SGU. My love, my alma mater' not "officially" my alma mater' but it will always be for me, since I went there and SGU will always be in my heart. I'm so proud of our university, despite its ups and downs and despite the crap its going through. at the heart, i fully believe everyones heart is in the right place. Even some of the wasicu's. (not all of them though.)

Anyway, tonight was night one of the wacipi. I wanted to dance all weekend, but tongiht most of all, b/c it was the night they were honoring Neola Spotted Tail, the winyan who is dear to my heart. I didn't get to participate in teh actual winyan special, because turtle needed to go home, and I know Neola understood.

As i bask in the afterglow of this night... i'm so full. I saw so many faces that I love that love me. So many people i've known for the whole 13 years I've lived here, so many who've known me since that first time i stepped out into that wacipi arena. So many faces I've traveled w/ on that wacipi trail. Then, all the other faces I've known from different aspects of my life of being home. It was wondeful to dance, to feel my feet and legs going agian. The drums really kicked it up, and while i was wanting to dance fancy, i was in regal company tonight w/ my tribal sisters and Unci"s's as well all danced in a line, supporting our men, supporting our children, our nation, each other, and ourselves.

At grand entry, my little turtle taking my hand, dancing next to me, looking up at me with that look in her eyes, the one only a child can give her mother. I'm proud to have that gaze on me, honored. It means i'm doing my job well, as hard as i am on myself, as much as i expect perfection of myself, that gaze means, i'm still doing it right. As we entered the arena, she let go of my hand, danced right next to me, really jamming out, her little sweet spirit making my eyes fill with tears. she's so happy, so free, so secure, so intact. I love her so much. As the winyans rounded the far turn, she searched the bleachers for her Ate'; ran up to him, drug him down to her, and talked a blue streak. As we lined up, she scampered back and forth between her Ate' and I; i watched her closely, soaking in that moment. Still not able to fully wrap my head around the fact that even three years into it, she's here. shes with us. In all her glory. i can't help but smile when i see her, watch her. She just absolutely completes me. my little heart child.
She went off to eat w/ ate' and I danced and visted w/ my sisters...i just never get over being a part of this awesome lakota nation. I feel that in these times, at these moments, (wacipis) THIS is really what its all about. a nation, coming together, with our hearts in the right places, as we heal,sing, dance, celebrate to the sound of the drums.
my second time out i look into the bleachers and saw Unci Sandra...my smile just go huge, and she got that shy smile she gets when i see her. she knows how happy i am to see her. i left the floor and went to her and just hugged her. was soo happy to see her, I'd been looking for her all week. she was here for the neola special too. I didn't get to visit her too much, turtle was getting tired. but we will try and get together this week.
there were so many others too. dear to my heart, ppl who it doesn't matter if we have not seen or talked in months, we can always hug and pick up where we left off, cuz it's the indigenous thing. it's the thing that i really don't think wasicu's will ever get, not really. for all the troubles we have, the one thing we have over the wasicu's is each other. connection. community. i'm probably just smarting from living here the past two years, because it is soo different. people here are nice enough, but like ive always said, they are fence talkers. they are really happy to see you when you're out an about..but that is as far as it goes. they go their way, you go yours and that's it until the next time you are out. but with natives, it's unspoken that you will never be alone. not truly. it just goes w/o saying. when someone back home says they are happy to see you, they really mean it. they sit and listen to you talk, and enjoy it, not just waiting for you to stop so they can get out of there. i'm blathering on now, but. ill try and make it sound better later.
exmaple, when turtle nad i walked in to get dressed two elementary school girls walked in behind us and stuck up a convers. none of us knew each other, but we all sat there and talked and they ended up staying w/ us for a few hours till they went off to do their own thing. later we saw tehm again and they waved and said hi, and now when we see them again, they'll come visit us, give us a hug and we'll be like old friends. it is circular.. young ones talk and hang out wiht the older ones, who in turn hang out with the uncis. everyoen togehter.
I'm really being blah blah now. my spellling and grammer is ick. so i'm going to stop..for now.

just an incredible night. loved it, it was healing, and was filling and i'm good.

HAPPY SOLSTICE, Merry Christmas, and YOU rock!!!

2010-12-24T23:25:00.000-06:00

My Turtle love,
we are back in our Tipi!! We have spent the last four days in Rapid, three of them by choice, the last one was due to weather! :) My gawd, what fun we had! Holiday shopping, hanging out, celebrating solstice, enjoying being together!!!
First, (literally) we went to the solstice spiral among some of our dearest friends!!! ohh how beautiful, and fun, and just RIGHT on. Then we went back to Auntie Karen (B) house and you had a blast running about with the children as Ina and At'e had a blast talking with our friends whom we love dearly. Eventually, we headed back to the hotel, where we all just crashed!
Then the next few days, we just did whatever we felt like doing. We were going to come home yesterday, but there was an ice storm overnight and we couldn't get home..{now if we'd already moved to MT...we'd have had no problem :) } So, we just all hung out again. :) We let you have some of your presents because you were getting quite tired of being cooped up. I cant' blame you!
Today, we left rapid....headed for home...Ina had to let Ate' drive since i was totally freaked by the roads, you my little darling, were lila kuja... we were very worried. Finally when we hit Wall, you couldnt take it anymore, and were really miserable. I unstrapped you, took you to the back, laid you down and massaged you and then sang you songs. Before we knew it, we were at Kadoka.. you were not ready to get back in your seat... and you were better, but not well yet. I had to go in the station and Olega.... when I came back, you were better! You cesli'd and were completely better! I went back to check on you, you looked up at me, and said, you face bright: "Ina, you healed me!" It was so sweet, I about cried! (good tears) From that moment on, you were 100% fine! I was relieved! I was also so grateful that I was able to heal you. That is what Ina's are for. I'm so honored that we have the connection that enables me to heal you. I have a big wonderful job being your Ina, but it's in moments like that, when I know I'm doing it right.
I've always known I was a healer..but in that moment, i was able to heal the most important being of all.
I love you dearly. I'm so grateful for you. There is more to say, but I have run out of time. oxoxoxoxo

what's on my mind....

2010-12-17T22:45:00.000-06:00

one of the great things that happened when we were in Rapid was I got to see my dear friends KB and JB...and in the smallish amount of time, they managed to unknowingly soothe the chapped parts of my soul that have been exposed to quagmire that is this town.
When thinking of this town the saying: "Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas" OR " Hang out with idiots, catch their disease" I feel is applicable.
Because I see myself growing hard, becoming a BAD parent since our arrival in this 1880's town. and I HATE it. I hate doing what I hate, which is squaring myself off to fit SOME ONE ELSE'S idea of who/how/what I/we/she should be. It enrages me.
But we began doing just that.

Except, we are NOT the crazies.

Being w/ and spending time w/ J and KB, seriously, it just calmed me. hearing their successes and their Uhoh's was helpful and healing for me. Both of them, by their very nature are so soothing that, it just absolutely calmed my ass right down, AND put my head on straight. We had such great conversations, and I got such good advice that wasn't all "here is some advice" type thing. (They'd make great Lakota's)

I'm not making any sense on here, because the feelings that they left me with and the lessons I learned from them, I can't even put properly into words. But i know this.
They were dear to us before, but now, they have just absolutely been snuggled deep into our hearts and the material of our lives henceforth.

K, J and children....we love you all and You all ROCK!!!

Turtle time

2010-12-16T23:23:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday, Turtle said she wanted to go to dinosaur park, we were actually in the car heading to mission to go to a lakota studies gathering that I'd caught wind of; but she said: " I dont want to go to Sinte, I want to go to Dinosaur Park. So, I turned the car around, checked in w/ mihigna, went home, packed an overnight bag, and we headed out.
I figured we could get in and out before the craziness that is LNI, but we ended up staying two more days. :) Just her and me. I love being able to do whatever, becuase she wants to do it. There are enough NO's in the world,why not give all the yes' I can?
It was so fun, so healing for us, and just such a great time!!!
We shopped, hung out, went to the bookstore, all kinds of great stuff. She is so much fun to be with, everywhere we went I saw people watching us, but that is all I saw, I don't care why, or what they thought, or anything, all that mattered was Turtle and her Ina were together, and she is my favorite person to hang out w/. Now, taht being said, we did miss Mihigna. But we still had lots of fun.

there is more to this, but right now we are home, and I want to go cuddle w/ my fam.
for now MBB

Turtle song.

2010-11-18T16:24:00.001-06:00

You sing this beautiful little song that you have sung since you were able to form words...
It' goes:
I never was a baby before
I never was a baby before I was never a bay bee be-four!!

But then you change it:

I never was a girl before
I never was a girl before
I never was a girl before.

We are aware that you were a boy the last time you visited earth. Because also from the time you could talk, you tell us stories about the things you did. And you always say: when I was a little boy. You've told us how when you were a boy, you rode on the octopus and fell off, (you rode w/ wonderfreak) and got hurt on your back. So, I'm wondering if you broke your back and perhaps that is how you left that realm? I dont know that you left earth then, but you never talk about your life as an older boy... like never a teenager or a man.
You tell us about swinging when you were a boy, and climbing and tree forts and all these other adventures you had in your other life. In fact, now, this time around, as a girl, you prefer to be with the boys, no matter how big they are. You get along w/ both genders, but you prefer boys.

I love you, I think you are amazing. I love that you, your soul and spirit are in tact enough to remember yoru other life. Keep it up, hold on to that. ALWAYS. It so natural, and soo important.
Dont ever let anyone gender specify you in your likes..i.e. clothes, colors, etc. You are so perfect JUST as you are. I'm so honored to be your Ina. Thanks for coming back to be with me/us.
You just continue to take life right on. I'm here to support you and love you and enjoy it with you.
You are the best. the love and light of my life.

Amazing things happening to me left and right!!

2010-11-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

This is such an important site.....http://www.teach-through-love.com

Every parent needs to add it to their pre child research as well as add it to their day to day reading/reminding/living list.

In other AMAZING news... due to my last article at Life As A Human (http://lifeasahuman.com/2010/parenting/babies-mother-nature%E2%80%99s-alert-system/

I have been told by the Dunstan baby Institute, that I will be getting a scholarship so that I can get my certification! I'm so happy about this, I'm incredibly honored, and grateful, and blown away.

This is such an important amazing thing that I will now be able to help parents communicate with their babies easier, which will in turn help them build a life long bond and develop communication that will last their whole lives!!

Another great thing is.. that I have found an illustrator for my children's books!!! woo hoo!!!

My latest Article.....

2010-10-27T00:23:00.000-05:00

http://lifeasahuman.com/2010/parenting/babies-mother-nature%E2%80%99s-alert-system/

Love it!! Mamma's go read it, you'll love it too!!!

You are so cool, I need to take a picture

2010-10-24T23:28:00.000-05:00

You are just so awesome.

You like to wear two different shoes right now, both shiny, fancy shoes. You wear your ruby red pediped shoe on your right foot and your shiny black pediped shoe on your left foot.
I love it when you do this! I said this to you today, as we danced into the store.
"Don't listen to anyone if they say 'You're wearing the wrong shoes'; tell them: "It may be wrong for you, but its just right for me.'
You chose to wear your shoes like that, my sweet little artist child! Keep it up, please! Please always do whatever your heart tells you to, and dress however you want and be TRUE to YOU!!
I love you and I'm so proud of you!!!!

And I'm going to say now, the rest of what I didn't want to say to you today, because you are so sweet,and you love everyone. And I want you to stay that way.
But for me...
I will rip anyone's head off if they shame you out or make you feel bad for your individual choices. What they don't understand, is you are intact, and the mere fact that they feel the need to criticize just shows how much of a sheep they have become, how scared they are to be who they really want to be.

So, my precious Turtle, be true, live your true life, and I'll be right next to you...holding your hand and lauding your awesomeness!!! lililililililililili!!!!!

today

2010-10-23T20:04:00.000-05:00

today i woke up underslept and over tired, my back hurt and I was not fully in Ina mode.
You had all of us get dressed to go down to deliver cookies for the bake sale, the bake sale i never found, which I would later discover was not until next week.
we went to breafast, you played, we ate. we were all together.
then we came home and did some work in between playing with you and reading books.
I needed to go to bed, my back hurt so bad. then you threw such a fit i dind't know what to do, let you throw it and realize that I simply cannot be at your beck and call 24/7, it's too waring on me and makes for a crabby, guilty Ina.
I got up, we talked, we played and read, then I went and did Ina things. Made a dinner that turned out badly, Ate' left to go hunting, we painted, then we painted ourselves and the cat. it was fun, lots of fun.
then we read, and danced. and eventually, you fell asleep in my arms.

how are you doing? Are you okay? Is something bothering you? Something you need that you are not getting?

I love you very much, I am very tired.

Turtle patch

2010-10-22T22:14:00.003-05:00

I have completely changed what we eat here at the Turtle patch, we got away from junk, processed food, and now eat all fresh food. Some people call it raw food, but that conjurs up the wrong picture for most people, at least in this cow town, so I've started saying we eat living foods. (I was asked by another parent if we eat our meat raw. Now come on, does it REALLY take THAT much brain power to figure out the logic in that question, or even that situation?)

   Anyway, I do allow what we call junk Food Fridays,where we can all eat whatever we want. Turtle is still liking the junk food, and so does Mihigna a bit, so they like these days. I am getting better about not wanting the fries and hamburger that I used to eat on these days. I think it has to do with the fact that for two weeks straight, we didn't have junk food Friday, one week it was due to travel and last week, we were all worn down, I made healthy food. However, I am allowing it this week. And my junk food of choice was getting chocolate candy corn, they call it Indian corn, with those little pumpkins in it. Last year I LOVED that stuff. But who knows, I may not even like it now. I noticed I ate some processed food yesterday, (some chips) and I got sooo sick. I was kind of amazed. My body just didn't like it at all!! blech! and getting that sick made me not want to eat anything like that again.
  I do think it is a real testament to how if you are eating live food, you really can tell that processed food is not living.. because it literally has no taste. It tastes flat, and dead to me. Icky.
The way we are eating is not the same as vegetarianism.. because that way of eating still cuts out a lot of food options that are healthy. We still eat butter and cream cheese and drink milk, (LOTS of it!) But the majority of what we eat is organic. Every bit of dairy that goes into us, is ORGANIC.. because of all the growth hormones, I do NOT allow anything but organic to go into Turtle. If you do the research you'll understand why.
   I have lots more to say, but no time now.

more later

Turtle and Ina to do list

2010-10-15T09:55:00.000-05:00

Seeing as she's the daughter of two artists, Turtle has certainly inherited the art gene. I have her art hanging all over the walls of our house and she did her first painting when she was four months old.
Anyway, everyday is filled with ideas we come up wiht for art projects to do.
we have so many i need to make a list.

sculpture of dinosaours,
sculpture of hearts
more pop up books
write out our other books. (she co writes them with me.)
butterfly reminders...(ala artistic creations w/ trudy)

there are more, but that is what i have for now..and a turtle needs to eat.

toksa.

2010-10-11T00:55:00.000-05:00

I am in Rapid City, my beloved rapid city, my fam is sleeping peacefully on the end of what has been the most amazing time we have been able to spend in quite some time.
i have so much to say about it, and yet i don't have the words. I'm tired, and I want to go to bed, but I promise I will come back here and post about the amazing weekend we had, the kindreds we met and the wonderful new friends we walked away with.

Turtle Letter

2010-09-15T22:45:00.003-05:00

My little turtle,
You are three. I can't even believe it! You are so amazing. You blow me away everyday! I have so much to say, and yet, it's all on dichotomies of what has been going on in our lives.

I watch you and I see how well adjusted you are and I cant help but be proud. I am doing my job well, despite the fact that I have no guide, no GOOD guide, I only have the DO NOT REPEAT guide, based on how I was raised. And yet, I look back at your year from 2 to 3, and I feel sorrow that i screwed up so badly. I was NOT myself at all, so messed up, so selfish. I lost who I was for a while there and parented TO you, and not WITH you. It breaks my heart really, becuase as I dreamt of you, imagined you pre birth, I wanted everythign to be perfect for you. People snort when they hear me say this, but I believe, if for no one other than myself, I should be as close to perfect FOR you.

   It is hard though, because other than your Ate' I have no one who really GETS it. No one close, geographically, anyway. I have a great online support system, but some days Ina needs a person to come here, or I go there, and just hang out and talk about it with another parent who gets it. Another parent who cherishes their child as much as we cherish you.
  And we so cherish you. You are so perfect and smart and intuitive. I hope that our talks have helped. All this stress we, (your Ate' and I) have been under made us temporarily stupid and as a result we did very stupid,(I know I say I don't like that word, but it really is applicable here.) very un- us things. Like barking orders at you when we were grumpy, or yelling at each other when really we should have been falling into each other arms.
I could spend all night worrying about the bad choices and decsions we've made this last year.. but I try to look at the big picture. You are happy and well adjusted and so ready to take on the world. You love the world around you, you love the people in it, and that makes me really happy and proud, because it's the combination of you and of the secure healthy life we have provided for you.

   I tend to over worry about you and your mental/emotional wellbeing...and that is becuase as a child no one was looking out for mine, so even though I was showing signs that I needed things, I never got them and as a result, I spent much of my life feeling like I was always wrong, always bad, always unimportant. And I NEVER want that for you. You are so amazing, and perfect, I want you to ALWAYS know without a doubt how much we love you, how you are the center of our lives, how fulfilling you are, and how perfectly perfect you are, as YOU.
   I'm grateful you are such a good communicator, because you can call me on my crap when I need to be called on it, so keep it up!!! It snaps me out of my own head and places me firmly back in your reality. I want you to always communicate with me/us. always tell us when we are not being nice or we have hurt your feelings. And continue to tell me when I'm being overbearing, I need that reality check too!

   I know I've said this a hundred times, but I'm going to say it again. You are the most sacred, most important, most beautiful gift in my/our life/lives, and I will wake up every morning trying to be the best Ina I can be. However, I will probably drop the ball now and again, (as I have a few times thus far) But know in your heart, in your head, and with every ounce of your being that I/we love you more than the stars in the sky.

   We celebrate Keyapalooza because you ARE that sacred, you ARE that important, you ARE that special. Every one should have a "your-name-here- palooza." Becuase everyone born on this earth is that sacred. I am so grateful to you for coming to us, for being our teachers, for loving us in all our flawed and silly ways. You are OUR greatest teacher, and together, we, as a family will continue down this road of life.

   Now, on this eve, you sleep peacefully as I write this. Tomorrow, you start preschool. That was a huge decision for me, until I realized it was not mine to make, it was yours. So, we'll take this step, we'll see how things go, I will follow your lead. I know you'll be smashing. It's the others I worry about. We have preserved your perfectness so well in our little home, I dont' want anyone coming from the outside world and nicking at that. I try to remind myself that you will be okay, you are an amazing life force. Just try not to EVER let anyone else determine your self worth for you. Determine WHO you are, determine what is right for YOU. You are Turtle, Lakota wincincala extrodianaire, warrior cik'ala, buddah baby, all knowing, all seeing wakaneja.

   I also want you to know, that if you are ever NOT okay, you tell me/us. WE do NOT EVER expect you to be perfect or strong or tolerant when you can't be. If you have any problems EVER, you come tell me. I will do what I can to help you. I am your Ina, I am your warrior mamma, and I will ALWAYS be in your corner. NO ONE was made to suffer alone, carry a burden by themselves or fight a fight without help. That's what Tunkasila gave us Ina's, Ate's and Tiwahe's for.

I love you.

There is so much more to say, but I need to take a break. I love you Turtle, I can't even say that enough.
You are my heart.
xoxoxoxoxoxo, tewahila, INA

PS: as we do every night, I just want to repeat some lines from our favorite book:, because it's soo true.

"So whenever you doubt just how special you are, and you wonder how loves you, how much and how far,
  listen for geese, honking high in the sky. (They're singing a song, to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo. (It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind. (Listen closely, it's whispering your name again!)

........Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn,
   on the wonderful, marvelous, night you were born.

From: "On the Night You Were Born" by Nancy Tillman

(I love you Turtle.)

It's backfiring on me....

2010-08-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

My dearest Turtle,
I've always been proud of the fact that you are just like me Turtle, with your fire-y passion for all things. Your independent spirit, your strong sense of self.

But Now, I've run into an issue that has me screeching my wheels to a complete halt and makes me become parental in a way I HATE.

Your prissy food tastes. Again, you get it from me. But now that I"M the Ina, I watch you worriedly as you pass up healthy food for less than appropriate fare. I get it, I get the way the un healthy food is yummy and addicting, and you want it all the time; but you can't have it all the time. And screaming and yelling about it, is not going to help.
I want you to be friends with vegetables and fruit, not acquaintances.
These food preferences make me CRAZY, and I find myself saying and doing things that all the books and experts have said "NO, you can't do that, it will cause anorexia or obesity"
I dont want you to be fat, or too thin, I JUST WANT YOU TO EAT WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

Okay, I'm going to stop ranting now, and try to go breath and let it go, and let you do what you need to do, so I don't cause you to have food issues.

i love you more than anything in the world......... please eat real food!!!!!

Love, Ina

What are You Wearing? Lakota Thoughts on Dress : Life As A Human

2010-08-21T14:53:00.000-05:00

What are You Wearing? Lakota Thoughts on Dress : Life As A Human

Questions

2010-08-09T11:39:00.002-05:00

I subscribe to Artistic creations with Trudy,(http://artisticcreationswithtrudy.blogspot.com) a sort of mom art coop.
These are the questions posted for this week:

Do you watch any soap operas? NO. Never, they drive me crazy.

What appliance is used most in your house? My food processor

Do you wear makeup everyday? NO.

what is your worst pet peeve? Parents who have children but act, and treat their children as if they don't like them.

what is your favorite lunch meat? I really don't eat lunch meat, since it's soo bad, but when I do eat it, it is salami and (get your ick's ready) liver cheese.

My new post!!

2010-07-23T23:24:00.001-05:00

My new post is up at Life as A Human!!
I LOVE Life As A Human!!!! love, love love!!!
So GO, read it, and laugh!!!!

www.lifeasahuman.com/2010/humor/the-boobie-prize

Turtle words...

2010-07-21T09:57:00.002-05:00

Turtle:
"Ina, why are you wearing that snowman scarf?"

Me: "because it's pretty"

Turtle: "You can't wear that scarf."
Me: "Why not?"
Turtle: "Because you're a mommy."

my dearest turtle.

2010-07-08T23:31:00.001-05:00

Another amazing day filled with you.
You sleep now, deeply, smiling occasionally. We didn't have much time to talk, you were so tired.
I love you so. Do you KNOW how much I love you?
I hope.
I worry on some days that I have ruined parts of it for you, with my crabby moments, my sometimes too short temper. I hope not.
You are so perfect, so perfectly you. I see you blazing through life, happy, whole, safe, secure.

These summer days are perfect, the sun comes up and we play all day. Laughing, singing, dancing, reading, exploring.

Today was awesome. We went to the beach, played in the sand, played in the water. You swam around, all sure of yourself. Then, when we went to leave, I got the van stuck in the sand, good and stuck. You fell asleep. I was glad. You were not worried. I got us out of the jam with some help and we were on our way.

   This evening, after dinner, you played and swam around in your pool while your Ate' and I watched you, played with you, swam with you. Then we had another water fight and in the middle of it you said, "I love this water fight guys!" You are so amazing! I love you so incredibly much! I want to give you the world.

    Then we got back in the pool and you poured water on my head, on your own head and then on Sunka gleska's head. It was a lot of fun! Sunka just stood there and let you do it, she loves you so!
tonight, we were supposed to go pick peji Hota, but instead we went to town to buy more water guns.
There is always tomorrow. today, we had quality time together. I love spending time with you. You are my heart, you bring me joy. I love you more than ten thousand tyrannosauruses on ten thousand mountain tops.

You are going to be three soon. I don't want to hold you back, but yet I do want to hold onto your babyhood. You are so amazing You are already so advanced. i know you are ready to face whatever the year three will bring. But I look at your pics from a year ago, you were so small, so compact, now you are so tall. Smarter, with even more words and vocabulary. You have always been smart with a large vocabulary. when i say I'm not ready or I dont' want you to be three, don't listen to me. You are ready, you will do fabulously. You do everything fabulously.
And I look forward to the new things you will learn, the new things you will discover, all the great things that are yet to come!
My sweet little turtle, thanks for being ours! WE love you so!!! xoxoxox Ina na Ate'

what I've been up to...

2010-07-06T07:07:00.003-05:00

It has been a good summer thus far. Though, I was out for about a week with a severely sprained ankle, I am, however on the mend. Not 100 % but much better than I was.

This weekend, has been fabulous and write worthy. I'm fond of the fourth weekend, not because I believe in celebrating a questionable wasicu holiday, but because it means that Mihigna is home for a three long days!
And on this holiday, we went camping, to the beach, hung out at home and spent some quality family time together. It was time that included a water gun fight, water balloon wars and general water mayhem that left us all soaking wet and me laughing so hard I got a cramp in my sternum!

Cunksi had her first camping, official, camping trip. She LOVED it!!! I started off crabby because of the difficulty in finding a place due to, the holiday weekend and all the damn RVs. I am not an RV fan, I'm really not. and I feel like this particular place we go to should have the tent sites and the RV sites separate.

But we finally found nice little place between two RVs and squeezed in with our tent. It was bonus because it was in a cove, so just over the hill was our own little beach!
I LOVE tent camping, and probably always will. Give me a sturdy tent and a floor mat, or air mattress, and I"m good to go.

Well, that would be this grownups downside to the camping experience. I was in such a hurry to get there, that I threw the mere basics in and nothing else. So, we had blankets, and food, but no plates, not adequate water for each of us, no silverware, no warm clothes for mihigna nor I. Cunksi, on the other hand, had enough clothing provisions to go to the Arctic circle and not be cold; well okay, maybe not the Arctic circle. So, her warmth was the most important. And believe me, she was warm and happy as a bear cub!!

A storm blew in, which was fun to watch all the lightweight campers run in fear to their RVs, lest they get hit with a raindrop! We sat in the van, only because we had just returned from the store when the storm hit, cunksi watched part of a movie, it blew over in 30 minutes and we were back out at the fire, making smores and having fun!
Well, while the Storm blew over, the rain stayed behind and soaked me, so I went to bed wet. and I couldnt' sleep. So while Cunksi and mihigna snored away beside me, I lay there, waiting for dawn and wanting to go home. Dawn came, cunksi woke up, thrilled to have camped out, we packed up and went to town for pancakes and coffee. Ahhh.
Next time, I will be better prepared.

Now usually on the fourth of July weekend, we are out at the wacipi grounds, dancing away. But not this year. With my bad ankle, I decided to stay home. We were, however, going to go to the fireworks. But I had gone inside to rest for a bit and turtle and I started watching Fur: the imaginary portrait of Dian Arbus. (I LOOOOOVVVVEEE Dian Arbus' work!! ) So we were caught up in that and before we knew it, it was time for fireworks!
Because we live up here on the hill, we get a 360 * view of everyone's fireworks! So we watched a bit of the towns fireworks and I wanted to shoot the casino's fireworks show, so we decided to hop in the car so I could get a closer view. Well, five seconds into it, cunksi was asleep! We missed the show, but had a nice drive and a good talk.

Now, as Tuesday morning dawns, sunny and humid but gorgeous, and Mihigna ki heads back to work, I'm a bit clearer on some things. One: I need to chill the hell out. I get too wrapped up in stupid stuff that only stresses people around me out. Two: I need to get back to working out regularly again or doing Yoga. I'm incredibly out of shape and that leads to my crabbiness. Three: I need to get back to eating as much raw food as possible. My body is so sensitive to junk and sugar etc, when I eat that, it's the gateway to mood hell for me and it starts a unhealthy cycle that is self perpetuating. Four: I need to chilax and get back to my gut self.

These last two years, I have not been as in tune with my gut as I should have been, I've been looking to others to validate what I needed as a parent, because of my fears of screwing up. No one has the right answers for ME, for US, for HER; except the three of us, all together. I need to remember, if it feels right in my gut, it will be okay.

One thing that has been crystal clear these last two years is: what's normal to everyone else, is far from OUR Normal. and Just because people do it, or accept it, doesn't make it right for US. But what I have had to learn is, that is okay for THEM. I have to let it go, I can't sit and worry about the other little souls, and wonder if they are okay. I have to just know that everyone, chooses their own metaphysical path, and so all is as it should be, no matter who you are.

That, is the hardest for me. Because when I look at people, especially children, I SEE them. I look at their eyes, I look at the whole of them, to see, are they being taken care of, completely. Are their needs being met, not just their physical needs. And it's hard, it's really hard, because i can see it, in so many of their eyes, can feel it radiating off of them.

And I look forward to our move, I look forward to being in a community that truly is like minded in all ways, not just a few. I look forward to her being able to socialize with other children who have been raised the way she has, I am thrilled for her to go to those schools, where she will be learning as a whole being, not just a butt in a chair, who is a number on a statistics sheet.

I'm excited for our future. Again. Life is nothing if not ever changing. And while these times have been challenging, I have learned more about myself, cunksi, mihigna ki, than I ever would have if we'd have just stayed where we were, cozy and safe.

Life lessons

2010-06-23T07:09:00.002-05:00

I find myself really aggitated with many around me of late.
It is because people seem to be acting out on others and saying things with no seeming awareness.
I would probably be upset about these things even if I was not an Ina, but now that I am an Ina, YOUR Ina, it really gets my blood boiling. Because now I think:
what if it was YOU who was standing near by when those words came out of someone's mouth? What if it was you who saw someone act cruel or inappropriate to another person?
How would it affect you? Would it alter your perception of the world, of wasicu's, of Lakota's?

My heart hurts that I cannot give you the perfect, safe, loving world outside these four walls. I wish to God everyone was as evolved, respectful, selfless, and conscious as we practice to be.
By my dear smallish Turtle, that is not the case. And as the days go by, some days I do feel it hard to find the happy place, the good ones, because so many here are so dark, so negative, so selfish, so ignorant and worse, some are so proudly racist.

This is why, now, more than ever it is so vital to live our virtues, walk our talk, surround ourselves with our ways, only in Tunkasila can we make it through the hard days, the days when you want to just sit down and cry because someone is so cruel, so unaware of how cruel, and ignorant they are, and not because it affects me so much, but because I can't help but feel how it affects others around them.
I have lots of things I want you to learn, but people's actions, words, of late bring it slammingly home:
"Somebody, somewhere feels the affects of another's actions."

If we could all just remember this, I think people, big and small, would start living a bit more consciously and start treading a bit lighter on people's feelings, their hearts, their rights, and the world.

love of my freaking life!!!!

2010-06-18T14:19:00.001-05:00

the love of my life...

2010-06-16T23:54:00.001-05:00

So, my precious turtle love...
today, we did all kinds of fun stuff, we read books and danced to music, we played in the tipi, we ate spagehetti for lunch, and dinner. but probably my favorite part, one of them, was roasting marshmellows. You wanted to roast marshmellows, but the wind was too high for the fire, so we cut a green stick and then cooked them over the stove in teh kitchen. Man, they were yummy!!

And spending time with you, was the best part of all, as always.
You light up my life, you make my heart sing, you bring a smile to my face and you fill me to overflowing with joy.

Thanks for being my baby, it is such a joy to be your Ina! I love you so! xoxoxoxoxo

update

2010-06-15T22:19:00.001-05:00

Life has been crazy and wonderful.
But right now, I'm going to write about today.

Turtle and I built a tipi taht we played in, and ate in, and (she) tried to sleep in. The cat played in it, climbed the walls of it, the dog came in and plopped down in it, while smooshing us up against the permiter of it.

We walked down a long deserted dirt road, without my camera. It was a gorgeous day and I was living in teh moment rather than capturing them.
thsi evening, Turtle, Mihigna Ki and I went to dinner with his parents whom i love dearly. Turtle was amazingly wonderful, perfcetly mannered, and such a joy. (as always) we came home so mihigna ki could change and then went to the park where we hiked in the woods and saw deer. She was sandwiched between us, we talked and dreamed of our future. I watched her in all her gorgeous beauty and wonder and got so full up of emotion I got tears in my eyes. I know I say it alot, but its so true, she is so amazing and we are so blessed.
she's just this complete little person. As we drove home I kept glancing at her in the mirror, as she watched and danced to the penut butter jelly song that her ate' played for her on his phone; she looked up at me, her expression saying, At'e knows I love this song. then he played her favorite video for who let the dogs out, and i watched her, as a strand of long hair hung in her face, I saw her features, a perfect mix of him and i.
she is perfection personified.
my heart grows each day with more love for her, for him, for our little, complete family.
When I'm with them, all is right in the world.

My new post!

2010-06-03T00:55:00.000-05:00

My new article is up at Life As A Human! /www.lifeasahuman.com/2010/inspirational/mitakuye-oyasin-we-are-all-related/

Raw emotion

2010-06-01T14:48:00.000-05:00

This weekend was pretty rough for me.
On friday night, we had a storm that knocked out our electricity, so after Turtle crawled off to bed, Mihigna ki an I watched Imprint.( finally!!!!! ) When my dad came on, in all his glory, I had a wierd gut reaction. He spoke mostly Lakota through the whole movie, and seeing him really got me in an odd place.
I didn't really give it much thought. Okay, I totally boxed it up and shoved it in the closet.
anyway, the movie ended, the electric came back on, and we both went about our seperate things.
I started working at my computer, and I was suddenly overwhelemed with missing my mom (birth) and my aunt. It was so overwhelming, it took my breath away, and locked my throat up. (Even writing about it now, days later, my throat gets tight)
I started crying, really crying, deep, sad, sorrowful cries. Mihigna ki came out to see what was wrong. I felt kinds ridiculous. I told him I missed my mom, which also made me miss Auntie.
he didn't say much, he comforted me and we moved on.
The next morning, Turtle and I got up and we made pancakes and were chatting and I was at the kitchen sink, when again, this feeling washed over me, this huge wave of sadness just slammed me. I walked into the office and started crying again. Turtle came and asked what was wrong, so I told her I missed my mom.

Mihigna ki took me into his arms again,and I said I thought that the movie is what brought this all up. Seeing my dad like that, knowing (here come the tears) we have this genetic bond but we are seperated by this huge chasm that he is in no hurry to heal, or lessen; kills me. (long story. too long for here)
Mihigna ki told me I needed to call him.( my dad) I told him it wont do any good. I need something from him (dad) that I am never going to get. Which is the root of the problem. I am essentially, an orphan. I have no family, on my side, no family. I told Mihigna ki I know I shouldn't even be bothered by it, because I have him and Turtle I have made this perfect little family that I should curl up into. But there is still that longing, that hole, that feeling of utter orphan-dom.
And that is what hurts me to the core, what makes me so lonely I can feel it in my bones and what makes me so incredibly sorrowful I can't even cry enough tears.
I never did call my father, because it would be useless, like I said, what I need, I am not going to get.
Ever.

Wakatakiya!!

2010-05-21T09:26:00.000-05:00

So much has happened to us of late. Where do I start?
First of all, if I have not updated it here, we are not selling the ranch. Winter washed away the ookiness, (well, okay not JUST winter, a bit of Lakota medicine too) and things looked and felt better. We started getting animals, who actually stayed, (due to the healing of the place) my head got on straight again, my eyes got clear, and it stopped feeling like I was walking around completely dilusional and with fuzzy eyes.

I knew that we still didn't have a community here, but felt we would deal with that if it became an issue for Turtle, since at this point, its not even a blip on her screen. It was something I was willing to back off and let her handle as it played out for her. She has been an inspiration to me in that sense, with her unconditional love for everyone, witkos or not; and I've tried to take a lesson from that. It has also been good because I was able to step back and just let her be. I know her intimately and know that she is one smart, intuitive being, and she has that ability to filter and find the goodies from the badies, and doesnt hesitate to speak up when someone is giving her the creeps.
So, I just have been settling in. I did go to rapid to pick up a old friend who was coming for a visit, (eeeeyaaa. should I even talk about how THAT went?) and on the way back, I stopped in at the coop organic store. I had not visted there at all before, and what a gift!
I walked in, and the moment my feet were inside the door, I was greeted by three of the workers, very warmly! Turtle and I went on to shop and another lady was there, and she gave Turtle a ball to play with, and we got talking about softener and I told her I don't buy it, I make it out of vinegar and then add sage oil. Well she just loved that idea, and said she was going to go home and do laundry. We went our way, and as you will in a store we ran into her again, (it was a small store). Anyway, she commented on Turtle, and as always, I couldn't help but beam! She then told me she was a birth to three consultant and a previous montessorri teacher. So was I!! we talked about that, and education and etc.
I'm running out of time, and there is still so much to say. Anyway, the quick version is this, they all basically embraced me and all the challenges I'm facing in a community where I'm considered " the odd, crunchy, tree hugger." and supported me and told me to call them if I needed anything. It was the first time i'd felt supported rather than ostrized for what we believe.
oh, there is so much to this story, and I will ahve to come back and fill in the blanks.

Also, though, since I have been back, I have started to find kindreds right here in my own community, which feels wonderful beyond belief!
Okay, I have to buzz off, but I will be back to complete this story!

2010-05-19T08:12:00.000-05:00

Mitakuyepi Tunkasila,
Pilamiyaye pi le Anpetu Waste! Na mi cunksi, mihigna ki, Mitawa,Tuwin na Oyate!

I am truly blessed.

big happy sigh

2010-05-17T23:58:00.000-05:00

I have sooo much to say.
But not right now.

Other than, my daughter is the BOMB, the ZEN BOMB, and I LOVE her with my EVERYTHING!!!
...um, in case you didn't already know that...
tee hee.

Free Range Turtle...and other things...

2010-05-10T01:01:00.001-05:00

Our little animal farm is flourishing and our little billy the kid is fabulous and funny! I am thinking I may need to make some changes, since he believes he is my longer haired, four footed child.
My gorgeous birds are all doing well, and sweet as pie. I've my own little zoo here, and that wasn't really how it was supposed to be, they were supposed to be for sustaining us.

Let me catch you up. Way back a few weeks ago, we bought two cornish hen chicks to raise and eventually, butcher. Turtle named them Unci and Lala. I named them chick chicka bawk bawks. (Get it? chicka chicka boom boom. One of turtle's favorite movies) Anyway, so in the daily feeding and care of them, I, of course, feel in love with them. And now, when I come out my door, the come running up to me.. (or whatever mode chickens use.) As does Billy the kid, and the dog.

Anyway, so today, Billy the kid dissapeared after his morning bottle, I tried not to worry, and figured he'd come back for his noon bottle. He didn't and I got really worried. The wind was blowing like 60 miles and hour and even if I yelled for him, he wouldn't be able to hear me. I was so worried, he is still so little, he will only be 3 weeks old on monday. LOng story short, the darlings came over and their goat whisperer found him, down at the end of the lane, in the tall grass. Whew.

Some of the darlings, as well as mihigna ki suggested that I think about undomesticating him. They say this, as he is snuggled in my arms with his head on my shoulder.

But I do think they may be right. He is going to get bigger, and even though we plan on castrating him, he does need to be a goat, and learn how to be one.

And our game hens don't exactly have a long life span. I know that is what I got then for, and so I need to see them for what they are. But I'm such a softie for smallish cute animals. And honestly, it's not like I'm all NOOOO dont' butcher them! I am fully aware of the circle of life. We are Lakota, and we live off deer, wild game and buffalo. I know where my food comes from very well.

Now I'm rambling and not making any sense. blah blah blah.
anyway.

Life is wonderful at Turtle Country!

My daughter is the bomb, she is soo smart, and beautiful and sooo sweet. How I love her!! As I watch her head out the door at sunup and stay out till sundown, it's mostly me chasing after her to put weather appropriate clothing on, ("No dear, a diaper and cowboy boots are not warm enough!") I'm thrilled that she gets to live the life I longed for as a child. Free, surrounded by people who love her and animals and endless places to explore, grow and learn. I will have to post pics of billy the kid... and the chicka chicka's.

my new post

2010-05-03T11:36:00.000-05:00

my new post is up at Life As A Human.. so go read it!! http://www.lifeasahuman.com/2010/pets/the-pig-whisperer

A catch up

2010-04-29T23:17:00.000-05:00

god it feels good to be able to write here again. This is just my comfortable place, and setting up that new blog totally BIT!!!
I know I've been quiet, but I don't have much to say publicly yet. So much is going on, I'm doing some learning/growing/merinating.

And of course, spending time with the most glorious smallish person I know. I just love to be with her. She's too sacred for words, even from me. I just am so blown away by her.
We've been hanging out with my cousins teh past few days because C has been home and so its been all of us girls together again. We've all been through so much together and I'm so grateful for them because they are the family I never had but always wanted; and now I have them, in real life. i was thinking the other day how we used to just hang out and smoke cigarettes and talk for hours; now we all have children, (well except for "ray ray" who will probably always be the baby to us no matter how old she gets in real life) and so now, we all hang out, drink coffee, talk and watch the kids play. it's really cool because our kids are all close in age. C has two kids, and now B will be having her second one.. and so I think it's time for me to have my second one! haa ha!!
It's been great for all of us, because we are all stay at home moms and we all get lonely, with our men gone all damn day long and so this week has been fabu, we've all made dinner together, and let me tell you, we mighty mighty winyans can COOK!! We were all joking about how after C goes home, that we'll all go back to our lonely kitchens and our dinners will just be boring and flat!
They are all amazing women and I'm so grateful we are all so close and in each others lives. They are my sisters really and I love them dearly.
Its sad, because C goes back tomorrow, with her crew, and Ray Ray will go to, since she lives with her. But it was a wonderful week, and they will be back next month.
I'm really glad too that Turtle got to spend this time with her aunts and her cousins. She had so much fun this week that she has come home and all but drug me to put her to bed!
So, my dear cuzie's, if you are reading this, it has been an amazing week and I love you all. thanks for being so effing wonderful!

What we've been up to......

2010-04-28T09:51:00.000-05:00

Hello my love,
I have not written here, because days have worn me out and I sleep deeply. My days are filled with you, your incredibleness.

And I love every minute of it.
We have been having so much fun with the return of the sun.
We've welcomed two new baby chicks into our lives, you've named them Unci and Lala
We've taken in an orphaned goat that you named Ate' and I named Billy the Kid.
We've put up the tent and camped in the backyard.
We've run about the ranch while the chickens and baby goat (and dog) follow us.
We've flooded the lower pasture to make a smallish pond. I think we will move ahead with making the big pond down there as we've discussed.
We've picked the new growing flowers in the yard, and put then in our hair.
We've hiked to the waterfall and back again
We've made plans to work on the fort..but not yet started it.
You took the world's shortest swimming class.... and totally ROCKED it!! (Because you're the BOMB!!)

These is just a smallish cliff notes of what we've been up to, there is more, but I am off to play with you now.

Tewahila Lila Tanka!!! Thanks for being so amazing! xoxoxo, Ina

Needs

2010-04-27T08:41:00.002-05:00

I need to inhale, exhale
some art today....

laziness, and practical life be dammned.

the other side...

2010-04-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

I've been quiet on here for so long.
I've been marinating.
I do have a lot to say, I just need quiet for me. Now.
I/we are in the middle of "what are we going to do next?" it's exciting, and scary.
I'm not sure why its scary though. it never has been. I have been using the excuse, well, I'm a mother now, i can't just uproot my daughter, (really myself) and scamper about freely.
But really, come on.
why the hell not.
what better time to do it?

What, I want to stay in one place where I can be pushed on to send my daughter to mind/hear/soul jail? Um, don't think so.
What, I want to teach my/our daughter that if you are afraid of something it is better to just sit tight and live your life from scared point? UM, NO.
Really we have been living an adventure and life lesson. We own our own ranch, and all the things we asked for.
and we still weren't happy.
But, it gave us perspective and lessons.
what more could we ask for.

Now, the path is clearer.

It's up to us to take that step.
Do we want to be the brave people cunksi knows us to be....or the meek, play it safe people who live but are not alive?

where it went...

2010-04-24T13:03:00.000-05:00

I wrote a big long post.. but then it posted it to the wrong blog.

Go read it at: wablukcan.blogspot.com

How very annoying.

I"m baaaack!

2010-04-19T11:57:00.000-05:00

I am going to post this, evil person be dammed.

Oh how I've missed this blog.
if someone comes and messes with it again, we will just fix it again.

I don't give up easily.

Anyway,
Turtle and I are very much enjoying our sunshine. I have come to realize we are both solar powered humans. If there are clouds, we are not so good, no energy, no motivation, a bit grumpy.

There is much to say, but for now I will save it, make sure this works...
then we'll celebrate.

be well, xoxoxoxo MBB

RIGHT NOW

2010-03-04T00:14:00.003-06:00

I have to write this down, so we always know.

Today, we were walking at the over look, and you were trying to whistle at the maga sapa. You told me you couldn't do it, and I didn't have the first clue of a good way of telling you HOW to do it. (It was another life lesson for me, I've never been in a place where I couldn't explain something in a way that would enable someone to do it. Feeling helpless where you are concerned, is very hard for ME.)
You were bothered that you couldn't do it. We walked on and I told you that while you couldn't do it right now, the time would come when you would eventually be able to do it. This was of small comfort I think.
So I said to you:
"Turtle, while you can't whistle, RIGHT NOW, there are LOTS of other things you CAN do, that most two year olds can't."

You can run at full speed,
Jump,
kick a ball,
kick a stone,
kick anything.
You can balance on one leg
You can spin
You can twirl
You can climb pretty much anything.
You can pour liquid from one bottle (i.e the asampi pte carton) into something else (i.e a glass, or any of your teeny tiny turtle teacups)
You can open and close doors
You know your ABC's and can count to ten completely and twenty if you concentrate
You know at least 80 songs, fully, all the words and the tunes.
You know your primary colors
You can put on your own shoes. (You have been doing this since before you were even ONE.)
You can zip zippers
You can get yourself dressed
You have the vocabulary of a 4 year old (at least)
You know and can use correctly big words, and big concepts.
You brush your own teeth
you eat totally independantly, in fact, we've never actually FED you.. you've always just done it. You went right from Asanpi to real food, alwasy feeding yourself.
You can use grown up silverware
You can identify the word stop and danger, zoo and baa
You "read" to yourself, and your maskes, and sunka.
You hold your pens, pencils, crayons all "correctly". I put it in quotes, because some wasicu person said somewhere at some time, that it was the "proper" way to do so, and everyone followed suit.

There are so many other things you can do that I'm not getting on here.. but will when they come up.
And the greatest is that none of this was "taught" to you, you just learned it by living. You are so perceptive, and such a poster child for attachment parenting, sling use, extended breastfeeding, etc.
You know you are sacred, because you are treated that way.

I love you, I see so much of myself in you. I'm honored that you saw me and wanted me to be your Ina. I think I learn more from you than anything.
I see that you have my temper, my need for wide open spaces, my fierce independence,my dogged determination to get something and the frustration that comes when you don't get it right, right away.

I'm so honored to see the deep connection that runs beyond the heart connection. Having not had a blood mother to grow up with, I was never able to see the genetic connection between myself and the woman who called herself my mother
You are one more spindle in the web, of our blood family.
You are a part of me, a part of us, and yet, you are so wonderfully your own person.
I love that you are so intact and whole. I will do everything I can to keep it that way.

I love you!!
And know that jsut because you don't get something right away doesn't mean it won't ever come. Sometimes, things are just timed beyond our control and finesse.. and when the time is right, it will happen.

And maybe I'm wrong, maybe other two year olds do these things.. but either way I don't care, because you are MINE, and I love you for YOU and who you are RIGHT NOW.

My first post!

2010-02-27T23:52:00.001-06:00

I am writing for Life As a Human, (www.lifeasahuman.com) and my first post is up, so please go read it! thanks!

Cici's.

2010-02-23T22:54:00.001-06:00

Life is turning around. I am much less crabby and mad these days. YEY!!
Today, we blessed the house. First, cunksi and I, then when he got home, Mihigna did it.
It had been on my list of things to do.. we were going to call tankasi and Uncici, but have not quite gotten around to it. Then this a.m over breakfast, cunksi told me it was a man who was scaring her and wouldn't leave her alone in her room. A "cici" (ghost) so I told her we'd get rid of it, and we got right up and got the pejihota and we marched right in there and got rid of it. She helped me, she prayed, and then when we were done, it was all better, and they were gone; and she was able to play in her room again. She was able to sleep without any problems and went down without any fear.
It was such a proof in life that if you listen to your child, she/he will guide to as to what their needs are.
I am so grateful that we listen to cunksi so closely and we were able to take care of the problem.
It was cute though, because when mihigna got home, he went and did it again, and after he prayed, he started singing, I was in the kitchen, cooking; when he started singing, cunksi told him to stop singing that song, and to sing humpty dumpty instead. Lila co!!!
But either way, our house is finally back to normal.. and I'm so grateful! It was getting much too crowded in here with all the bad moods floating around. We knew there was a lot of residual ooginess from the house's origional owners and we were having signs of all the ickiness that was accumulated here from them. But, they couldn't stay here, we are a much too loving family and our house is (normally) filled with light, love, health, and laughter.
And now, it's finally ours again.

Sunshine of my life....

2010-02-18T22:11:00.001-06:00

I just want to write these down, for future sake.

Yesterday, you and I were walking down the driveway and we saw some crushed tubleweeds. You said, "Tumbleweeds Ina"'
"Yes Cunksi"
"They look like little birds nests."

Later in the store, we were checking out and you looked up at me, you were sitting in the cart:
"We have no quarters Ina?"
"Nope, no quarters."
I think it's pretty cool at 2.5 yrs old, you not only know what a quarter IS, but know what it is used for!

Today, you were drawing while I was working on Language notes and you drew a polar bear, a cookie, a rainbow, and "rain, rain rain."
You're awesomeness just gets grows with every sunrise.
At breakfast, lunch and dinner, you ask each of us, how our day was. You also ask me throughout the day, "How is your day Ina?"
Yesterday, we were driving up to the rez, you were in your carseat and you asked: Where is Kimber, willow and willows brother?"
You're SUCH a cool kid! Thanks for being ours.

More Than Just letters

2010-02-15T13:12:00.002-06:00

(Originally posted on my writing site on Jan 27, 2010)

Tiwahe Wica Yu Wita Win

I've been thinking lately of my Lakota name. I always want to put it on things like my phone, but never can, because the character allowance, is not long enough. it stops at Wit. If I type it in with no spaces, it will stop at: tiwahewichayuwitawi. Which, I guess might be OK. But I know better. It could be seen as acceptable as the shortened version of Win, or properly, Winyan.

I say I know better, because I do. I was taught the proper way to use my Language and why we need to use it that way. Even though, as the days go by, this concept seems to be slipping away with the ozone.
An elder of mine and I have had many discussions on how our culture has become what I call the 7-11 culture. Easy, fast, instant gratification. (I could post once a day everyday for the next year on THAT alone.) This isn't right. Our culture has always had its very own language and rules for the language, reasons for WHY words are the way they are. As an alumni of Sinte Gleska University, I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, be for, use first, and defend (adamantly, if need be), our "true" language. The language that was put into print because of Albert White Hat.
Back to my name. Now, the proper word for Woman, is Winyan. Over time it has been acceptable to use Win. However, to use Wi, is shortening it for mere convenience, the word Wi has it's own meaning namely, the sun.

Knowing that, I refuse to perpetuate the convenience of my culture; I will not allow my name to be bastardized and shortened to Wi. First of all, my name is sacred, in the sense that it was given to me by my father, it was picked especially for me, and(to my foremost knowledge,) it is directly and correctly translated as is, without any adjustments needing to be made. Meaning, he did not have to come up with a Lakota translation for an English word.
I am VERY proud of my name. It envelops completely, my journey home and all the stepping stones that were put in place on that journey. It gave me goosebumps when I received it, because I knew what it meant, and flashed on a few specific times in my life when these events had happened. In a life so far away, and so foreign from the people whose blood flowed through my veins. It was another confirmation that the spirits had kept their hands in my life, and I had not been tossed carelessly to the greater world beyond.

I, by no means, am a fluent speaker, but I'm a constant student, as are most people,even in the English language. But this is what I know. I AM a Lakota Winyan, I am an Ina, a member of the Sicangu Nation, and therefore, it is my duty to not let our language get bastardized by the wasicu "scholars" who want to make money off of it, and who, by the way DO NOT send one penny of that money back here to our tribe, our university OR our reservation. Nor can I allow it to drift away on the morning mist. I know that once it's gone, it's gone for good. And then we will be no better than, common mainstream Americans who once had a culture, but don't know much about it now.
Had I not returned home, I'd have been a Indian with no tribe, no language, no pride. But I have returned, I have taken my place in the hoop, and now I have this gorgeous daughter who speaks the language, knows her culture. She will grow up with the ceremonies, the traditions, the everyday, this is just what we do, because this is who we are. She, will not know any different. As it should be. You cannot live your culture when it's "cool","fun" or easy. If you are living as you should be, it will rarely be easy.
We have had far too many generations of soul-wounded, displaced, lost children who gravitate and latch onto any form of connection... (I.E, gangs). The time for that is over. We must do our parts to re instill the culture in ourselves, our lives, our children, our tribe. Do we have the answers to EVERYTHING? No. But that is what our tiwahe, tiyospaye and oyate, is for.

PS: I purposely did not translate my name. Maybe on a another day

here I go, feeling again....

2010-02-12T23:33:00.004-06:00

I may have posted about this at some point previously, but I'm doing it again.

     I see that they have made a new We are the World, for Haiti. It's different than the original, which is ok, it's a different time, a different bunch of people and a different cause.
      I was small when Micheal Jackson's came out, and now I find out that it wasn't really "his" but i thought it was. Anyway, as I've mentioned here before, I'm very much an empath, so being such a youngster, and hearing this song, rocked my world, impacting me in such a way that would go on to leave me open to be affected by so many other occurances like this. It stirred the same response in me, that I had when I learned about the statue of liberty, (she then became my hero.More on that later.) That was the fact, that when people gather together with the same cause, the same mindset, the same ulterior motive, they become one heart, and in doing so change the world.

    It was through that video that i learned of and became fond of, many of the artists who partook in the making of that song/video. I dont' know if the Band Aid song came before or after WATH, but it also moved me to tears... and still does. and then Micheal jackson wrote man in the mirror... tears, tears, tears.

    But it was these small things that made me know of the great tragedy in the world beyond my house walls; and made me feel that I had to do what I could to make a difference in whatever way I could. The Man in the Mirror video is what made me declare at the tender age of 13, that when I grew up I was going to join the peace cor, travel to Ethiopia and help end world hunger.
The great thing about that video is what MJ did so perfectly all the time. He showed some of the worst parts of humanity, and placed them next to a some of our greatest victories. And he didn't say: "YOU suck, YOU did this.." he said, "I, I need to do this."
Which, as anyone knows who is on their way to self acualtization, is the best way to make a change.

And with age, comes wisdom.
After I found and returned to my birth family I was very angry at my adoptive family for taking me from what I felt was my birthright. I was jealous that I had missed out on so much of my culture that i would have grown up with. I felt I had been cheated in the worst way. But, now as I'm older, I see the advantages in having to walk in both worlds. I would not be able to have the input, the knowledge, the viewpoints of both sides, had I not be able to have feet in both. The white world gave me my love of books and the English language, which gave me a solid foundation that I now use to focus on and incorporate my native language. For every bullet point of my white upbringing, that I used to view as a negative, I now see as a positive.

If I had not grown up in the world I did, would I have such a strong grasp or obsessive love for reading and writing? I don't know. Would I have been able to be as strong of a critical thinker as I am? I don't know.
This is what I do know. I have the basis of a strong foundation that was provided by the white world, gifts that I was able to wrap up in the fibers of my being which now allow me to traverse and understand both the white world and the Lakota world much clearer. My experiences growing up, as hellish as they were, helped develop (I think) me into the incredible empath that I am; because I know how it feels to be treated horribly, and I would never want to intentionally do that to another person. That very same feeling/reaction is why I will never be able to turn my back on someone who needs help, in whatever form. One of, the lessons I learned from growing up in an abusive cruel home was that everyone is human. Everyone. And some times, people are really shitty humans; but that is more about them, than anything.

There is more to add.. but I have to run.
My point in all of this, is that our humanity is excellent at singing and dancing and whatever when someone needs help... but you juxtapose that against how horribly some people treated michal jackson, and there is the flipside of humanity. The ugliness that comes out when someone doens't fit in the box that someone somewhere decided was one size fits all.   I wish i could have know M.J... because I saw the good in him, I saw his ultimate goal, and that was to love others as much as he could and bring as many people happiness as possible, and give a few children something to smile about.

I'll come back to this.. it's a work in progress, obviously. As my dear friend KS says, "We all are."

wacipi reflection....

2010-02-12T03:34:00.002-06:00

Mi cunksi,
Unci sent me this photo, along with others, of our weekend at the wacipi. This one is the one that has the strongest impact.

This is when the Akicita's were shooting their guns and you got scared; it was buya in that arena! So, you grabbed my neck, snuggled me close and told me to cover your ears. I felt so protective when you were scared. I wanted to block out all the noise, so you would no longer be scared. The Ina bear in me wanted to tell them to stop shooting so much, and I wanted to meld myself around you.
This is such a picture of what our jobs as Ina's are. To protect fiercely, unquestioning, just do it, and hold on as long and as tight as need be.
I'm feeling that especially right now as our lives resemble a chaotic raceway, and nothing ever seems the same, and nothing seems to be staying in its place these days. It's wrecking havoc on me, and I can see it starting to get at you a bit. I need to be the strong Winyan Lakota, and be your embracer, your support, your kleenex, your balm, your soft place to land. I have not done such a good job these last few weeks, and for that i'm sorry. Many times, I've broken down in tears right along with you. You are evolved enough to tell me to stop crying. thank you for that.

Back to the wacipi...It wasn't long after grand entry that you went on to dance around the arena, and do a fabulous job. You let go of my hand and danced on your own, but we were surrounded by shawl dancers and jingle dress, so you got jostled away from me. You looked around a bit startled, but you called for me, and we re connected. That is such a metaphor for your take on life. You are more than willing to meet it head on, but you need to check back in every now and again, to make sure I'm still there, in case you need something.

I am. I will be. Always.

I see this picture as the state I'm in as well. I look tired, aged, pale. I am out of balance, and desperately need to get it back. So, this will be good for me to look upon to remind me of where I need to be. For you, for myself, for our future.

Tewahila! I'm so glad you are my turtle. Thanks for blessing me/us.

You are the bomb!!

Tewahila Cunksi

2010-02-06T22:45:00.000-06:00

Han Cunksi,
what a great day. You are such an amazing cikala wakaneja. We went to Unci and Lala's so Ate' could go to the Inipi, then you and I went to the wacipi, and boy did we have fun! They were about two hours late with grand entry, but you just hung out, looked around and were just as content as could be. You looked so cute in your little regalia! When we were walking around the arena, I realized how often I watch you, and how often I am smiling. You fill me with such joy, love and pride. Then after grand entry, you were wacin na niwha. So, we headed back to Unci's and you got play with her while At'e and I took care of some business we needed to.
You are so great about just being cool with whatever as long as we are all together.
We went back to the Wacipi this evening and your Unci bought you all kinds of goodies!
Eee you wanted to dance, but you were tired, so we didn't stay long. We dropped Unci off at her tipi and then we headed home. We got to the crest of our hill, and boom, you were OUT!! Ate and I talked on the drive up the lane about how incredible you are and how blessed we are to be your parents.
I just wanted to thank you, again, for enriching our lives, for blessing us and for making the world a better place with your presence.

Crappy Ina Day

2010-02-03T00:33:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling all ittery and jittery, and I guess it's time for a verbal spew.

Love of my life,
I snuggled up to you tonight, and my love for you is so overwhelming. I want perfection for you.
Read that again, clearly. Perfection FOR you, not OF you, or FROM you.
You are perfect, just as you are.
But me, so far from it. And yet, I feel, I should be. For you, because you are so mind blowingly amazing, and you just get more so everyday.

Ina had a rotten day today. Our lives are about to be thrown up in the air, and I have to hang on for the landing.. believing that we will all float back down to where we are supposed to be. Normally, I don't think this would be too hard; but being sick, is sure making things a lot harder. Auntie Kate said it perfectly, i can't seem to get out of the fight or flight mindset.
The postives of our new chapter are so incredible and amazing, it's what we wanted. But i worry too, about you, you are very attached to your home. Your sunka most of all, that is what makes me almost burst into tears. We will have to find a foster home for her while we are living this new adventure and I worry that it will break your heart. It tears at mine, we both love her so. I never want you to have any hurt, pain, dissapointment.
Tonight, the stress of our situation got the better of me, and I curled into a metaphorical ball, you needed something, and I grumbled around about it. What a jerk I was. I am sorry. I need to get over myself and start realizing you're the baby in the situation. Please forgive me. Again, I"m human. As I've said before, sometimes, I'm a messy, jerky, selfish, human. But one that loves you more than stars in the sky, more than ten thousand tatanka's on a a ridge. Please don't ever forget that.
I need to shake the crap out of my head and start seeing things clearer.

This is going to be great. We will all be together.. that is the most important of all.

Ina thoughts...

2010-01-31T16:05:00.000-06:00

Mi Cunksi,

As we still ponder the decision to go or stay, we think we have come up with a solution that will work to everyone's liking. But more on that later.

As I cruise around my various blog sites...(all Ina blogs, of course.) many of them are from parents raising children in a different country, and different cultures. Some homeschool, a few unschool, and some go to regular school. It's all so interesting to read the experiences they are having, and what is "new" in the educational fields.... I am always trying to stay on top of this, as your school years are not too far off. If we stay on the ranch for another year, you're Ate' and I have picked out the preschool you will be attending. However, if we move, whether it be north of here, or back to vtown, I don't have the first clue where I'll send you. And while you may not always go to regular school, I think it will be good for you to go to preschool; especially here, since this town is SO void of anything positive/educational/experiential for a tiny one to do.
But it's all very exciting. The biggest goal is for us to all be back together again. And we just can't do that here, the cost of living here and in this house, is just too high for us. It's a beautiful home, on a gorgeous land, but it's not our forever home. It will be great for some one else.

I've been interrupted and now have lost my thread. I guess I'll come back when I remember it.

My Truth

2010-01-29T23:13:00.006-06:00

Were do I begin? So many beginnings. I will start right here, right now.

Today I cried, cried my eyes out, shook with crying, laughed with crying. Because today, I found out what is wrong with me and just that easily everything fell into place.
I have adrenal fatigue.

If you have it, you know what it does to you. If you don't, picture your worst self and yet no answers to why you are being your worst self. Imagine a life that feels like you're depressed, but not really, a life where you can barely get up in the morning, and if you didn't have to because you are a mom, you wouldn't. Imagine a life where you spend all day exhausted and then at night, when you want to sleep, you can't. If you put your head down, or lay down then sit up, you are dizzy. If you do something as simple as bending over, that makes you dizzy.
Imagine a life where you come wide awake at night and stay up until 2 a/m because your brain won't shut off.
Imgaine being an athletic person who is fit, healthy and strong all your life and now you are weak, fat and so off kilter you can barely do a push up.

Imagine, gaining up to about 30 pounds (or more) for the first time in your life. Imagine craving foods that you have never "craved" in your life, and then becoming almost addicted to them.
Imagine being a extremely sensual, sexual person, only for it to dissapear. Completely.

That has been my life. And I had no idea why, or what was wrong with me. Or when, or even if I was going to get better.

I am a textbook case, matching every symptom.
I'll quickly buzz through the cause reason for getting it.
It's a result of on going trauma and/or stress for long periods of time, your adreanal glands control your flight or fight response. If you are too traumatized or stressed out for long periods of time,then your body just assumes everything is trauma and keeps you in that flight or fight mode. (What I call survivor mode)

OHHHHH. I see it all so plainly now. Since 2003, I have either been traumatized or stressed out more often than not.
My aunt died in 2004, which is what kicked it off. She was my cornerstone, my grounder, my "mother". She fought a hard fight but died a horrible death from cancer and my world was turned upside down, as expected as it was.(Trauma) Then the following year, I lost two babies. (Trauma/stress) Then I got pregnant again, and had no problems with my pregnancy or my birth, but when she was two days old a nurse came into my room and told me my baby was going to starve to death, and that was why she was crying so much. Yes, this is what she said to a new mother. (Trauma/stress) So, that put me in panic mode and every time my baby cried, I associated it with the nurse's words. That coupled with the everyday stress of being a new mother, a new mother who finally had her "miracle" baby and was afraid of screwing up or making some HUGE life altering mistake. (STRESS) Then trying to be the best mother I could be when I had no good, healthy, example to follow. (Stress). Then dealing with my daughter's tummy issues, (STRESS)
Then feeling like I was under a microscope because even though my "family" (meaning my adoptive mother and my sister) was a horrible, abusive family, I still wanted them to share in the joy of my daughter. And all they did was criticize me and be mean, to not only me, but my daughter. (stress) Then harrangue me for the way I was raising my daughter and just generally be cruel and mean to me. (STRESS, STRESS, STRESS)
And the list goes on.
But as time has been going on, I've been feeling worse and worse with no explanation. I'd gone to my doctor a year ago with no real result and diagnosis. I was told to, get out more and stop breastfeeding. (Really? Are you serious? You ARE a doctor right?) But I've known something was wrong. People, are STILL too quick to think that mother's are attle brained; so many cases have shown where something is wrong, and the mothers know it, even if medical people can't identify it until it has reached the crises stage.

So, here I am. Completely understanding why I have been the way I have been. I am glad that what ails me can be fixed. As I heard the symptoms and they matched me exactly, I burst into tears. I was so relieved.
They are going to run some blood tests,but things should be getting better within 3 months to a year. (it all depends on how severe it is, which is what the blood test will show.

So up until today, I had just been hiding away, thinking I was crazy, or that I was effed up somehow to finally have this miracle baby and yet be feeling tired, drained and not so much myself. But i was too afraid to say that outloud, for fear that something might be seen as me being ungrateful (which I am NOT) or that I really was losing my mind.

Oh thank God I'm NOT crazy.

This is not a very complete post, but I need to get to sleep. I just wanted to share my "good" news. More on this later.

Need a good laugh? Read this.....

2010-01-29T20:30:00.001-06:00

this made me laugh and cheered me right up!!!

Hot Belly Mama: Rooster Seduction?

I posted on my other site....

2010-01-28T12:20:00.001-06:00

You can read my post here.

My mouse seems to be messed up and will not allow me to highlight and past anything... so... this is how I have to do it for now. Sorry!

MUST SEE TV.

2010-01-21T09:16:00.002-06:00

Animal planet has this new show called blood, sweat and takeaways. It's soo good,and so important for EVERYONE to see. It's about these four British 20-something's who are sent to Indonesia, in an effort to make them be aware of where our food comes from. Some are sent by thier parents, one man was sent by his wife.. (you go woman!) Very enlightening and very educational. I have only seen the first one, but it left my eyes even more open than previously.

I am very conscious about my food sources, and I don't eat/buy/consume a lot of prepackaged,imported food; I wanted to watch it, to see what exactly goes into making the food that Americans, and other free world people so casually pull off the shelves and drop into their basket/carts, with nary a thought of its path. I have always been an aware person, aware of what goes on around me, to others, the cost of things at others expense... etc. But now that I'm an Ina, it feels especially urgent/important/vital.

I don't have a lot of time to write about this, but need to come back to it because it IS important!
I need to go care for my little turtle, get us dressed and head to town for errands.

Surrender

2010-01-14T23:49:00.003-06:00

Surrender?
Mary Black Bonnet

(For "YOU")

I want to engulf you,
   in bubble wrap.

Carry you gently.

Not because you are fragile, or weak.

Anything but.

Immense in your strength,sacredness, wisdom
    spirit and kindness.

All we need to be.

Some strive for it,
others look on.

Their insecurities flashing, blinding their vision;
    sunbeams on a car bumper.
As they cruise into the sunset
   too young to care for this moment.

Not seeing what lays ahead.

Acculturation.
   Assimilation.
In its worst form.

Strong, Proud warriors,
   now common sheep.
The hard fought battle
   can't be over!

Not yet. Not like this.

This war has been too long,
claimed victims too many, brought victories too few.
For a flip of the hair,
   the boom-boom of bass
    in a hot rez rod.
As they leave their Proud, mutilated,Beautiful, culture
   in the rear view mirror.

When the dust clears,
   a raw, gaping hole left in its wake.

As they wave to us,
from the other side of the glass.

Anpetu Cunksi

2009-12-22T23:03:00.000-06:00

Anpetu Le Uneyayahanpi:
Nis' ole wowapi ankal wagle' wotapi; niye iyunga: "Le Taku he?" Mis eya: "wowapi opeya oie. Niyawa yacin he?"
Niye, "Hiya."

Ina:"You're Lakota"
Keya: "No, I'm not Lakota."
Ina: "You're not? Then what are you?"
Keya: "I'm baby!"

Ecaca niye we!!

HAPPY SOLSTICE!!!

2009-12-21T09:10:00.001-06:00

Mihigna

2009-12-19T20:36:00.001-06:00

This is a must read for everyone.. posted by Mihigna on his blog.
Mihigna is one amazing Wicasa, his Lakota name is Sung Cikala Wicasa, it's fitting and appropriate.. he is a very powerful wicasa who is underestimated far too often.
Read it here..

Wowapi Keya

2009-12-17T00:51:00.005-06:00

Mi cunksi,
Tewahila. Ni cante.

I was watching Sioux City, I haven't watched that movie in decades. It really brought up a lot of stuff for me. How far I've come, how different my life is now. How different I am now. (How badly that movie was made.) How lucky and blessed I am, and what an amazing, blessed life I have. And you, you are here. You will grow up so different than I did.
You are being raised in your culture, you speak your language, you know your relatives. You know the ceremonies.
But you know all this, it is one of the (many) reasons you came to me/us.

I'm just grateful that I was able to come home, re root myself, find ni Ate'. I'm grateful we are Tiwahe. Complete. Happy, healthy, blessed.

As we discuss moving, or staying, we are still torn. We, (I, especially,) know both sides. I know the good and bad of both worlds. The advantages and disadvantages of both. We want to raise you here, but it has gotten so bad. Compared to my homecoming ten, no, eleven years ago, things were so mild, so innocent. It's a war zone now... so dangerous, so much hatred,so much anger. And ni Ate', he grew up here, he knew the place when it was in its "shiny-innocent" state. I feel sad we can't give you the home land we knew/know of. It will not be the same for you/your generation. Now, more than ever, the question of staying/leaving the reservation is of primal importance. We had always said, long before you came to us, that culture is not a place, it is something you take with you, it comes from parents teaching it, keeping it alive, living it. But even with that said, and the trueness of it, there is still no place like "home". It is why we came back here after you were born. No matter how rough it is/gets, no place on earth is like our homeland, as shabby, as torn up as it is. It is the connection to the land/ the people, the Ospaye; it is what will drive Lakota/Dakota/Nakota home from the far reaches of the world for as long as time exsists.
But, as your Ina, I know that the white world can provide you wiht opportunities that the reservation can't. Art muesums, choices for sport activities, dance, theater,etc. The list goes on.

It is a struggle that will never end. The need for the opportunities the wasicu world provides, but connection to the Oyate that can/will never be broken. Even the acculturated Indians feel it, whether they realize it for what it is, or not. That connection that will never be broken is why the Indian relocation program didn't work, and why no matter how many Indian children the Government kidnapped, er, adopted out, those ties will never be broken. Custer's attempt to "kill the Indian, save the man" was as successful as his raid on greasy grass. (Eyocaglata!!) Now, for generations to come, there will still be Lakota (insert any tribe here) searching for their home, their Tiyospaye. But unfortunately, for many, it will come at a high cost.

My childhood with the wasicu family I was raised in was not easy, we all know that; but the one thing I'm grateful for, is that they taught me how NOT to raise a child, how NOT to treat the most sacred gift given to any winyan. It made me all the more determined to marry within my tribe, to raise you as a Lakota Wakaneja, to keep you speaking the Native language you were born knowing.

Cunksi, your Ate' and I are powerful people with endless possibilities and potential, despite our childhood wounds. You have our power on top of our own natural born power, and that makes you an even bigger force to be reckoned with. Not to mention your potential! The whole universe will be yours for the taking! And despite the generations of historical trauma that is a cellular part of you, you are at an advantage because of as the years go by, the opportunities, education, etc grows. And each generation can/will be better than the previous, if they are taught/learn from, and grow out of the history they come from.
Unhipi ohinni ksto.
Untewahlapi lila! Unnitanpi lila! Pilameya ki wau ksto.
Unnicante pi.
Iputake ki niye!
Ina Na Ate'

2009-12-12T02:55:00.000-06:00

It's late and I should be sleeping. But I took a power nap when turtle went down.

It's been insane over here. For over a bloody week, turtle and i were SICK. We got that darn pig flu. it was miserable. We got the cold part of it, thankfully, I wouldn't want the puking/pooping part of it. It was horrible because what they say is true.. you feel like crap, then you feel better, then you feel even worse than you did before. Finally, it got so bad that we had Uncici and Tankasi do a healing on us and a protection for Mihigna. And then we got better.
and stayed better.
Thankfully.

I heard on the radio today that the swine flu is affecting, and killing more American Indian and Alaskan natives than any other population. I'm not suprised. There are still and will continue to be, so many strains of wasicu diseases out there that, all these decades later, our bodies will not be able to fight off.

I have been taking it pretty easy this week, I'm on my moon, so no cooking, which sucks. I LoVE cooking, it's one of the joys of my day. I miss cooking so when I'm able to, I am thrilled.

Our weather is BITTERLY cold, way to cold to play outside...so we have been doing all kinds of inside things...she continues to grow and amaze and amuse me/us to no end! I wish I could remember right now the funny things she does/says.

I'm tired, and rambling, so I'm going to go for now.
MBB

Baby Mamas

2009-12-07T10:24:00.000-06:00

Turtle and I love Beyonce's version..now we have one that is appropriate for us!

Baby Mamas

School of dreams!!!

2009-11-22T23:10:00.004-06:00

OMG.. I want to have the option to send cunksi, and to TEACH at a place like this....

I need to write more on that very subject, as well as other things that have come up..but I must run and do something else first..so I will be back and then I'll talk. MBB

Mama's got her boobs out....

2009-11-20T14:37:00.004-06:00

Today turtle discovered the joy of whipped cream. I knew she'd like it.
At'e brought pumpkin pie home for lunch... well when HE came home for lunch, so she had some.. and asked what the white stuff was.. so I told her, she daintaily tried some.. and was sold.
Yey! she loved pumpkin and whipped topping too!(This has nothing to do with the title, I just wanted to post it for posterity sake.)

Now come the boobs.

She woke up a bit ago and I went in to nurse her back down and started thinking about those first few months when she was born.
From the time she was born until, probably, oh five months after.. I was rarely covered. My Aze's were out all the time. Thinking back on it now, I'm sure there were quite a few people at the hospital who got quite the view of me, since I was in Inahood daze and nursing on demand. I just didn't feel the need to have a shirt on.

I was all consumed by her and all her incredibleness.. (hell, I STILL am) so my Az'e were just out all the time. Or, I'd have a nursing bra on, those soft kind that you can "sleep in", (but not really) and I'd have one aze hanging out of it's cover.
It was amusing because I was so unaware of it, but mihigna would come home and make a comment or two. he would start singing, "Mama's got her boobs out." a song I had previously, never heard. He said it was going to be his new ringtone.
Those first few months of turtle's life, I ordered delivery coffee daily, and would have to check myself, to make sure the girls were put away before opening the door. I would also get boxes delivered, and the poor UPS man had quite the greeting one morning. Lesson learned.

Eleven years later, it's amazing really. I came to SD a repressed, beaten down, unloved, recovering Mormon girl who got comfortable in her own skin, embraced her true self, her hot body and now, kicks ass and takes names. Moving away from Michigan was the best thing I did for myself. (Que Alanis' Unprodical Daughter~my theme song)

Big Fat sigh.. life is GOOD, no, LIFE is FUCKING AMAZING!

And it just keeps getting better.

These days, my Aze's are under wraps a bit more.. just FYI.

2009-11-20T08:43:00.002-06:00

For the second night in a row, cunksi was awake till 12. AM. Not fun.
It was my fault, becuase she didn't take her nap, but wanted to sleep at five, so I let her, merely because i was trying to get a project done, and i was not meeting her needs.
BAD Ina.
It was a bad afternoon for me, I was working on a project, and probably not giving her the attention she needed... you know my usual 24/7 attention; so neither one of us were happy.
Even with the way I parent and believe in parenting, there has to be a balance, and right now, there isn't one. I put myself and my project aside to be with her, and then I let myself carve out a bit of time when she is sleeping.. if i'm not too tired.

But mihigna thinks I need to set a boundary with her for some time for me, where she can play by herself.

I can see his point, but I worry... is she too young? Doesn't she need me engaging with her all the time still?
Will she feel rejected? Unloved?

But the bottom line is this, I'm the sole parent for most of the day, save 2-3 hrs at night.
so, maybe boundaries, and balance wouuldn't be such a bad thing.....

we'll see. I'll think about it.

Anpetu Waste

2009-11-15T22:59:00.004-06:00

Oh today was a blessed yummy day!
I got up and made pumpkin teeny tiny turtle pancakes. Because you see, having teeny tiny turtle pancakes are the norm around here. Turtle loves them, so I make them. As I was putting the last ones on the griddle this morning, I turned around and watched her gobbling them up; I was filled with love and gratitude that I was able to be home everyday to make her teeny tiny turtle pancakes. I am so blessed beyond measure to be her Ina... I don't think people truly understand the depth of it sometimes. They say what a good mom I am, but really, it's ALL her. She is like this etheral being that is pure and sacred and holy, that I aspire to be like. She freaking takes my breath away, she's so awesome.
Anyway, so I'm all about pumpkin, especially right now, because it's the holidays and all. So, it's pumpkin everything. Pancakes, cookies, soup. I've just finished a pot of pumpkin soup and OMG, YUMMMEH!!!

So this afternoon, after some serious cuddle time with the three of us and playtime, At'e/Mihigna went out hunting, while turtle and I walked around the property collecting Pejuta for some medicinals and bath products. It was such a gorgeous, perfect day... the weather was cold, but not too cold, and it was just a perfect fall day. Then, turtle and I came in, she had a rest, and I held her while watching holiday movies. LOVE hallmark channel!!!
Then she woke up, and by that time Mihigna had returned home w/ a Taca, so we went out to see it, and help him hang it up. I'm so grateful for this meat, it came at a time when we really needed it. Normally, we have a freezer full of Tatanka, but not right now, so we really needed him to have a successful hunt.
It's another aspect and blessing of being Lakota.. that while we can appreciate Taca's for their beauty, we can also appreciate that they put food in our bellies. I also love that Mihigna is a food hunter, and doesn't believe in trophy hunting. He knows that it is because of his hunt that we are able to eat. And this we are able to show cunksi through living it.

It was just another amazing, blessed day.

Anpetu kili pilamiya Tunkasila!

Lovely,lovely love my family...

2009-11-14T20:17:00.002-06:00

I love the holiday season!!
I love the baking and the cooking and the gathering and the warm and fuzzyness of it all. It gets even warm-er and fuzzy-er than usual around here... I LOOOOOVVVVVEEE it!!!!

And I love that we have turtle to share it with. It was awesome with the two of us, but it's out of this world, mind blowing awesome with her here now!!!

And last year, I heard this song for the first time and got all weepy, i still do. I love this song though.... Darn, can't post it anymore... but it's the song, love love love my family by the roots. It was on Yo gabba gabba, and I LOVE it!!!
So, go to Nick Jr and watch the video.. or you tube it. It's coolness!!

ok, for now, that is all.

What we did today

2009-11-13T19:55:00.002-06:00

Today, we had to go to a check up and have a polio booster. I hate shots. They are so stressful on me, and who can stand to see their baby hurt? But, I am all for vaccines. I'm not for the influx of numerous ones at one time, but I am for shots.

I have a wonderful practitioner who allows us to spread the shots out. that is helpful.
I love my practitioner, but the nurses really made me angry. I told them way back when we first moved here that I didn't want all her shots at once, then they went out and told everyone in the clinic I was against vaccines. So, she fell behind in her shot scedule and chaos ensued. I found out that the nuse said this, and so I EMPAHTICALLY explained what the real deal was.

I was angry that the nurse spread this MISINFORMATION and then no one brought it to my attention for clarification. I mean, come on. I'm a Lakota woman, my child is Lakota, of all people we NEED vaccinations!!! Geez, um, can you say, Small pox??? HELLO!!! Trust me, if there had been a vaccine for that back then, you'd better believe us Indigenous people would be the first in line for it!!!

RGGGG!!! I hate it when people pass judgement on you or make assumptions without even knowing or asking questions!!!!!

ANYWAY...
I got turtle ready for the shot starting last night, and we talked about it, and i didn't let them rush her, like they like to do, and I refuse to let them pin her down.. i make them go slow and wait until she is ready. So, today, we looked at the shot and then she got it. it still hurt her, of course and she still cried, but we used the "boo boo juice" and had asanpi afterwards. But there were still tears, of course, but i held her until it was better. She had a small nap and all is well.
I hate her having to be hurt, but the danger of the diseases are so much worse than a poke and some tears afterwards. I know the debate over vaccines is great, and in many cases,justified. But for me personally, I will vaccinate my child, because wasicu diseases are soo deadly and devastating. It pisses me off that they would think I was against vaccines.

I've mentioned this boo boo juice before, and I LOVE it, it is MAGICAL, and works soo well!!!

Ok, well that is it for now... mihigna is home for the weekend!! yey!! more later. MBB

Cunksi hojila,

2009-11-08T20:52:00.004-06:00

I just needed to drop you another little note about something.
We were in the car today, and you apologized to me for being mean. You are so sweet and kind, I thank you for that. I know I thanked you in the car, but I'm going to thank you again, here, in black and white.

First of all, thank you for the unsolicited apology, but don't hold on to any negative, or sad feelings regarding this. As I told you in the car, you are a mini me, so you get this from me. We are huge em paths, so our emotions are BIG, and strong. We feel HUGE happy,love and Joy, but we also feel HUGE Sad and Mad. As a result, when we are feeling squeezed, we snap like a dog. I won't take it personally, coming from you. I understand the feelings, and I can let any hurt or slight bump to my feelings go.

It's ok. I understand, of all people, I understand. It's hard to have such huge feelings when you don't always know where they came from, but suddenly they are there and they are spilling all over the place.

I also will help you with them in a world that wants to quell feelings, especially if they are big, raw ones. Having grown up like that, I'm hoping I'll be able to help deflect any negativity that comes your way, help you realize why others won't always understand your big feelings. I understand them, and I accept them. You go right ahead and feel them in all their grandiosity. It's part of what makes you an artist, and all the other talents you have. It will come in handy in all those aspects.

Because one of the up sides to having such huge feelings is, your heart is just as huge, which is a wonderful hard gift as well. I hope I can keep you from shutting it down, as the world will want you to. Sometimes things will be hard, you will see things that will feel so heartbreakingly wrong, while others see them as "nothing to get upset about." This is OK too, because it is who you are, and it is worth it to be "raw" than to be "calloused."

I'm getting off track here, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your apology, and i want you to know that I love you and accept you for who you are.

At 2 year old, you are so wise and kind, and loving and giving, and HUGE. I will do everythign in my power to help you grow on that path.

You are the best, and we love you and are soo very proud of you!
xoxoxoxxoxox, love always, Ina na At'e

This and that

2009-11-08T20:47:00.001-06:00

I've been away from my blog, but not away from writing, or arting by any means.
I've just finished an essay for Florida Review and wrapped up a photo show.
Things are good. I realized, finally, that walking away from art, especially writing, just wasn't going to happen. It wasn't meant to. It stalked me like a hunter, it came to me in dreams, it tugged at my heart, my mind, my hands.
I'm glad.

There have been other things going on as well, but I've not sorted through them. I'm a pretty private person. I don't really allow my "rawness" be shown, until I'm good and ready. You all may find this shocking considering how raw I write in publications. But it all comes out only after much mulling, healing, and editing. So, when the time is right, I will talk about what is going on here, the pull is there so it won't be long.

Turtle came to my show today, which was a huge relief, or we'd have been apart for 4 hours, the longest in our whole time together. It would probably have been harder on me, I'm sure. We're so connected, so enmeshed. I love being with her, she is hilarious and funny, and smart. I love talking to her, listening to her. Life with her continues to be mind blowingly amazing.

At the show i saw a woman with a 3 month old..my uterus started throbbing, and my arms started tingling. I remember turtle that tiny, that young, that new. i reminded myself that there will be another one in two years...but I still wanted to snatch that baby up, hold her, smell her, kiss her and snuggle her. It was sad, because the mother of the baby, was a teen mother and couldn't' care less about that baby, that special time she has right now. A mother who hadn't "meant to" get pregnant,(UM HELLO, that's what CONDOMS are FOR!! GRR) and now sees her beautiful gift as a hindrance to her fun. It was heartbreaking. When i get my certification, I'm going to put on my business cards.. "Babies and children are my specialty" I wanted to ask her if she knew the baby language, but I could tell she didn't care. Now, i wish I'd have brought it up, just to let the mom be aware of, in case she changes her mind.

I walked out and there was turtle, running up to me, jumping into my arms, her little arms wrapped around me as she nuzzled into my neck. She smelled like fresh air. I held her as I spoke with people, and she helped, telling them where we took our photos, complete with hand signals. ohhh, she's sooo cute!

Ok, i gotta go, a turtle is rustling around in bed... she'll be calling soon.

Best Friends

2009-11-05T15:28:00.001-06:00

Thinking of you...what else is new?

2009-10-30T00:01:00.004-05:00

Precious cunksi,
as I have been writing my essay, I've been tending to you in the meantime, a sweet kind grounding reminder of your incredible preciousness. I look back at these photos and I instantly go back to every moment of that day, those days, those months. I haven't forgotten a moment of those times.
Sometimes, I long for you to be that tiny again, so I can hold you in my arms so easily, put you in the sling, carry you around. I have body memory of birthing you, holding you in my arms right away, and everyday after that.
Don't misunderstand me, I love this stage you are in, love the size you are right now, but newborn time and infanthood is just never long enough. No child's stages are long enough. I hope you never rush through the stage you are in, to get somehwere else. Enjoy where you are, revel in it, soak it in.
Thank you again, for being you, for coming to us, for picking us, above all others. You've blessed us with your presence.

Help needed....

2009-10-29T20:55:00.004-05:00

The last few nights, have been a bit tough on us, more me than mihigna I think. I have been struggling with turtle's bedtime. She goes to bed all fine, but won't settle in for sleep, insists on getting up and then has a complete meltdown when I have tried putting her back in bed. I eventually give in, and i know, that is letting her win, but I'm not sure what to do. I get really frustrated that bedtime gets drug out till 9 or ten at night. It bothers me because then there is no "me" time. No "us" time, and believe me, I NEED my ME time, and my "us" time.
If asked what I would do differently, it would be this. I would continue with my bedrime routine, the half hour preperations, teeth brushing, book reading, song singing, etc. then at the end of that, lights out, nursing until sleep. If she gets up, then I just keep putting her back in bed, until she realizes, sleep time is sleep time. I have been caving because of the tears I dont want her to have a negative association w/ bedtime.

Now, with that said, we had a beautiful routine tongiht... bedtime ritual, then bed and sleep glorius sleep. The difference was that we had no nap today,(due to her sleeping late this a.m because of the late night last night.) and we played and did art all day. (I've started wondering if I shouldnt have her days more routine like.)

So, my dear parent friends who's opions and input I value, PLEASE weigh in.... need ur advice and stories!!

Our amazing Turtle

2009-10-29T00:33:00.004-05:00

You continue to grow in so many ways!
You can carry on conversations amazingly well.
I have probably already posted this, since you have done it for a month or so, but you count to 20, and know your ABC's.
The other day, your At'e built you a tipi out of a quilt and my tripod, you LOVE it! You tell us, "come in my tipi." SOO CUTE!! At night, when you are all tucked into bed, sleeping, the dog sleeps in your tipi.
I bought you some canvas, so you can paint more pictures, I love how artistic you are! I love that you love art. I know you will love it when we have easier access to art museums.

I don't have alot to say right now, I just wanted to drop you a note to say how cool and awesome you continue to be.
And how you light up our lives.
Still.

all our love, Ina na At'e.

I'm so sorry my Turtle.

2009-10-22T22:36:00.004-05:00

Today was amazing and crazy and everything all rolled up into one.
Last night was rough, the night before was rough.
On Tuesday night, you fell asleep in your bed. I left you there for awhile as I lay in our bed, dozing and listening to the hum of the monitor. I was tired, and suffering from this horrible cold. You woke up and called for me, so I rushed in, scooped you up and brought you back to our bed. I dozed off again while you nursed and dozed.
I didn't pull the railing up behind me. I slept, you nursed, then slept.
A while later, you fell off the bed with that sickening, gut wrenching thud that only a baby can make when they hit the floor.
I jumped up, scooped you up, you went back to nursing while I fought tears.
I felt/feel horrible. I have never, NEVER let you fall on the floor. EVER. I'm a horrible mother.

You, were/are fine, and cried quickly and then went back to sleep.
But even two days later, it still makes me sick. I'm so sorry that I didn't put the railing up, and you fell, I'm sooo sooo sorry. I feel so bad. I'm so glad you are ok. But I still feel bad.

Today, we did fun things like painting and dancing and wearing pretty dresses. But this afternoon, I got impatient because I was trying to do to many things at once, and I yelled at you, because you weren't listening to me. I never yell at you. I feel so bad, and I'm so sorry I didn't take a breath first and stop and realize what was really important. I'm sorry that I hurt you feelings, I'm sorry that I get too caught up in trying to juggle to many things that ultimately don't matter.
Please forgive me. Please don't take it personally, please know that I'm the jerk and you are the innocent bystander.

I didn't mean to do it, and I'm sorry. I feel bad, and I wish I could undo it. I want to be perfect for you, to never be the source of hurt feelings to never leave you feeling bad. The world is shitty, and scary and hurtful enough, I never want you to have to experience that in your own house, from your own mother. I'm so sorry.

And that is the bad thing about yelling or opening my mouth without thinking first. I didn't mean to yell, I didn't MEAN to be mean,(Yelling at your children,to me, is mean.) but I was. and I can't undo it. Just know that I love you more than anything in this world, in this universe, and I can be the biggest jerk sometimes. I just never wanted to be a jerk to you. So please know that I'm human, and a jerky, rotten human at times, and if some of my crap flies out and hits you, try not to take it personally, it's never about you. I'm very sorry. I love you so very much.

while you sleep....

2009-10-14T23:31:00.003-05:00

Oh my precious little Rock star,
I just needed to thank you for being you.
you are so indescribably awesome. You are the best traveler, and the zen-est baby, you just rock my world and you are my greatest teacher.

Today we took a trip, and you are a joy to travel with, so happy and sweet and oh my gosh you are FUNNEH!! And when everything around you is going down in flames, you're just like, "eh, whatever, my life rocks, this moment rocks, I'm all gooood."

Thanks for being my teacher, thanks for putting up w/ my sometimes over worrying, thanks for being purely you.
I love you more than 20000 turtles on 20000 telephones!!!

love forever and an eon,
Ina

On my mind, in my heart....

2009-10-08T23:48:00.004-05:00

You're asleep now, it's late, you went to bed at nine. I'm supposed to be writing, concentrating on my INA time, but no, you are always on the peripheral of my thoughts. My ears are always tuned to you, I'm always listening for a peep, a breath, a whimper. I have to restrain myself sometimes to not abandon my writing and go crawl back in bed with you, snuggle up to your warm turtle body. It's so small and so big all at the same time. I think every day, at various times about how you have grown so big, and how very small you were when you were born. (My body thanks you immensely for that.) But everyday you are growing, and you are not going to be this small ever again, you will grow, older and up, and I'm pretty sure you will be taller than me (it's the Artichoker legs and torso) and one day, you will decide to wean and then start sleeping in your own bed, and I will be happily sad. I'm so honored to have this time with you. so many mothers have not been able to nurse beyond a year, much less more than a year, and I'm so glad we have been able to, that you have wanted to. I know nursing contributes to your incredible smarts, your health and your security.

After your bath this evening, you were ready for bed, and started asking for something, I couldn't understand you and your At'e and I desperately were trying to figure it out, so we could give you whatever it was you wanted. We knew it was a turtle, but we went through all the turtles you had, and they weren't it; At'e finally figured out that it was your Myrtle Turtle you wanted,(you have a special name for it) and so we started looking for it. But then we couldn't find it anywhere, and I was in a near panic, desperate to get you what you were asking for... we finally found it, and you snuggled in for sleep. I lay there, and realized how much desperation I had been feeling over finding you your turtle... it was visceral for me; you wanted something, and I, your Ina, needed to get it for you. You do such a good job of communicating, that when i don't always understand, i feel bad. I see it in your eyes that you get frustrated; and that breaks my heart... I always want to be able to know exactly what you need at any given moment. Realistic or not, it comes with the Ina job.

Hours later, you woke up, disoriented, calling for me, wanting to get up. I scooped you up, you snuggled into my chest, and we went out to the rocking chair. I rocked you, as you snuggled into my body, your head under my chin, your arms wrapped around mine, completely meshed into one another. You fell right back to sleep, perfectly content. You didn't want to nurse, you just wanted me. I rocked you, your heartbeat pulsing through the top of your head and into my chin; it took me back to when you were new. This position was not new for us, we have been enmeshed in each other since you were born. For hours you'd be in my arms,or in the sling. But usually in my arms, the sling still wasn't close enough. I'd rarely put you down. I didn't want to, you didn't want me to. We were one, and it was perfect. I thought back tonight of how easy it was to be pregnant with you, how much fun it was, and how easy and fun it was to give birth to you. If I could do it all over again, w/ you, I would. You are so amazing. You have always been amazing. You're so polite, well mannered and sweet, omg, you're sweet! I just want to eat you! I love hearing you say, "I love you" or "I love you too" after I tell you I love you. I love the way you run up to me full speed and hug me. I love how when you and At'e are playing chase, you run to me for safe, and scramble just as fast as you can up my legs. I hope you always run to me when you need to be on safe.

This past weekend, you and I were at the store, and At'e's relatives, Rob and Cora stopped us in the parking lot to say hi. Rob said: "Every time I see you, you two are just like this..(he puts his hands together) you guys are just connected." I laughed and nodded. We are, and I'm glad.

I just needed to take a break from what I was doing and say yet again, how much I love you, how honored I am to be your Ina, and how incredible it is to watch you grow, develop, and BE. You are ONE AMAZING Turtle! Thanks for being ours.
We love you more than there are words for, more than there are stars in the sky, more than ten thousand dinosaurs on ten thousand mountain tops!!

Snowy day

2009-10-08T13:39:00.000-05:00

my precious,
we woke up to snow on the ground, about an inch tht was accumulated on the porch, and it was still falling lightly. you loved it, adn turned to me and said, "winter!" So, we went out and played in it!! yey!
I'm excited to see this place in snow, and have us do all fun winter stuff here. We won't be here forever, maybe only one more year, but we will get to watch it in all it's seasons, and we'll have lots of fun!
today, we will make chili for dinner and chocolate chip cookies, because you love them!
Love you, Ina

I've decided...

2009-10-06T14:23:00.004-05:00

I've made a decision.

I've lost my footing and directional path the last two years, because I have been so enveloped in nurturing turtle; once again, getting tripped up by my all or nothing thinking.
So, I'm going to start writing and posting back at my old writing blog,(http://maryblackbonnet.blogspot.com) and keep this one for turtle related content only. I hope you follow me over there, and send others to my site, as that is where the guts of me will be.

A smallish Turtle note..

2009-10-05T13:13:00.002-05:00

Turtle you are sleeping and I root around for inspiration. You are getting older, which means our joint art projects can go farther. You have always been an artist, you did your first painting at five months old. (Note to self: must post painting) I'm glad you love art.
While you sleep, the fog has rolled into the ranch and sits at the lip of the canyons, beckoning me.
It may just be a day for donning our rain boots and coats and heading out into it, our camera's in hand.

But for now, my sweet turtle, sleep, dream, rest. We will start again when you wake.

slow down, be careful

2009-10-03T19:45:00.003-05:00

In the last 48 hours, Turtle has been begun saying this, it's facebraking adorable. I think it's also sweet how, she has taken a phrase from each of us. During her learning to walk days, (and I mean days literally) we would often say these, mihigna saying slow down, me saying be careful. A week or two after mastering walking, she began to run. RUN. FULL SPEED. So, hence, we would parrot those same phrases, trying to keep the sheer panic from our voices(at least mine) for fear of what would/could happen. She responded well, and I, personally, learned much from these moments. I saw that my/our beautiful daughter was not made of glass, was not as fragile as i previously thought, and in fact, was pretty damn tough. She had no desire to simply meander through life, she had places to go, things to see, all kinds of experiences to partake of. It became alarmingly clear that my/our beautiful, gorgeous, out of this world, amazing daughter, intends to take the world head on. She is doing it beautifully. We couldn't be prouder.

Last Saturday, she began to count to 20. Now,I KNOW how awesome I think she is, but I have to admit, all bias aside, this is pretty incredible. That at two years and two weeks old she can count to 20, deliberately, intentionally, and correctly.
Her brain and cognition blows me out of the water at times. Other times, I'm not surprised. But always, incredibly, effing proud! Waaay back when she was little and I'd tell friends all the amazing things she would do, they'd be like, "yah, she's smart, of course she's smart, look at her parents." And I always got a little squirmy over it. Call it humility or whatever; because i would think, "Oh no, she's this smart on her own." But then I'd realize, all the parts to the equation. Love, respect, acknowledgment, involvement, an incredible pregnancy and drug free birth, her Ina and At'e talking non stop to her, both in and out of the Tezi. It all begins to add up and makes sense. It's all part of it, and so, yes, I accept my/our part of creating this incredible awesome, bring tears to your eyes beautiful, sacred being.
Her Unci B got her a shirt last year that had "Most likely to change the world" on it, and I absolutely agree.
I get chills thinking about the fact that, in 2006, I wrote the essay "Winyan Wakan" (Eating Fire, Tasting Blood,Thunder's Mouth Press) where I talk about how I would raise my daughter to know her sacredness, to know it like her own breath. I see that I'm accomplishing that, and for that I'm proud.

The other great thing about her, is she knows she's loved, she knows she's secure, she knows the world belongs to her. So, my precious, rock star daughter, go ahead, take the world by storm, know you are loved and supported. Charge it all you want, know that we will always be here for you, no matter what. We love you, we are proud of you!

it's all good....

2009-09-29T21:48:00.003-05:00

As bad as things were, they are that good now. I'm making time to write everyday, I'm working on the photos; BTW, I have another photo show in NOV, whoo hoo!!!
I, and things around me are feeling better!!

We have adopted a new dog, who is sweet as pie, and fits perfectly in w/ our family! she's a lab mix, 2 yo, and soo sweet!! I'll post pics.
In other news, I'm thinking of starting a Vblog; any comments on what you'd what to hear me blather on about? haa haa.

For now, that is all.. love to everyone, MBB

Things are moving

2009-09-28T08:30:00.004-05:00

Ok, so I feel much better today, and started feeling much better yesterday. A few good night's sleep, some exercise, some reassessment of self, family and career, and all is back on track.

We have done some things we need to do to get ourselves back on track as individuals and as a family. I must say that the one good thing about my job, however temporary it was, put turtle on a schedule that is so beneficial, we will be keeping it. She is in bed at a decent hour and sleeps all night, providing enough time the rest of the evening for hubby-wife time AND for me to work, or clean, or be lazy and mindless. This alone is helping me tremendously. Part of what made everything seem so huge before was that we felt SO ALONE in it; and that made us feel beaten into the ground to the point that we didn't even want to get up. But in Mihigna's wise words, "You have to create energy to have energy."

Another great thing has happened. Mihgina came to the realization that he has become this person he never wanted to be, and wants to go back to his old ways; he wants to stop seeing the world through "scientific eyes" and get back to the open minded, zenish view, while going back to the basics and doing what makes him happy, TRULY happy. This makes ME happy!!!

We realized we have become these people we never wanted to be, who place value on things that aren't important. As a result, we lost touch w/ ourselves and what made us happy.
After realizing it, we took immediate action and that improved things almost instantly!

I will not take back or apologize for what I said in my earlier post, because that is exactly where I was at that time. I needed to roll around on the floor for a bit and shed a few tears.. and now I feel better and can get up and move on. I'm human.

So, a start of a new week, coming at it from a much better place and with plan!

1)We are unloading one of our burdens

2)I'm going to be serious about my photography and start marketing it and stop farting around and being wussy about it. Photography is something I CAN do right now, so I'm not abandoning my art self.

3)A friend and I have started a Mommy Coop, so we will trade off watching each others babies so that we both have time to do our own work.(She is also a stay at home mom who has taken a part time job working from home.)

So, those resolutions have taken a huge load off my mind... and improved my emotional state, and made me motivated. There's nothing like a plan to make things feel better.

Who am I kidding? I'm always planning, I always have a plan B and whenever there is a crisis, I immediately go into plan mode.

So, I feel much better.

Have a great Monday!

Where I really figure it out in the end

2009-09-26T23:08:00.004-05:00

I don't know that I have anything better to say now, then I did a few days ago when I threw up on here and then deleted it.
So, this is what I know, right now.

I'm tired, out of shape, out of balance, and longing for some time for ME. Time where no one wants anything from me, or needs me to be present, or "on". I want to sit and be mindless, or curl up with a book without interruption, or take a hot bath without having to rush through the warmth because someone, somewhere will need something of me soon.

I'm also incredibly lonely. I've always floated back and forth between being a people person, and being an introvert. So, before I had a child, I would do whatever felt right at the time. Now, It's always me, my daughter, and in the evenings and on weekends, my husband. I don't think I'd have much energy for doing anything big and exciting, but just the chance to hang out with another female who gets it, or gets the struggle of mommy life vs art life balance, would be incredibly nice. Or even any of my old art friends, would be great.. they could catch me up on what I've been missing and i could live vicariously through them. I don't have to be there anymore, just tell me about it, I can imagine. Tell me about the great art openings I'm missing, anything!!!

I'm feeling very sad, and teary. Sad, because everything seems so HUGE and I feel so very, VERY small. And unseen, and unsupported, unconnected and unheard. and un,un,un. ( and I don't mean these things from my husband.) I think for the last 11 plus years, I had tendencies to be (at times) very hard, very don't touch me, but since having a child, it seems like I need more support, more gentleness, more hugs, more connection, but it isn't there.
The reason for that (I think) is because we moved to a town that while it's beautiful and breathtaking in landscape, its human touch and connection to your neighbor is nill. I think the people here are very talk over the fence, and that's good enough. I don't have any real friends here. I have connections. I don't have anyone who I could call up and say, "I'm tired, and crying and could you please come hang out with me?" That is probably a bad example, but it's what came to my head. I don't have that here. I had that in vermilion, I had this incredible friend who saw me through my cancer issue, my miscarriages and various other life tragedies. Hell, I had that in IN... my childhood Best friend, I miss her so much. We still talk on the phone weekly, but phone calls aren't enough and plane tickets are too expensive when you can barely put food on the table.
In my utter loneliness, I find myself doing and thinking the oddest things. I find myself calling my mother more.. knowing she can't fix it, but at least she'll listen and missing my stepdad. Like in so many cases, we didn't really get along when i was growing up, but now that I'm an adult; I see all too clearly, that we are more alike than we are different. I think if we hadn't been so wrapped up in our own miseries during my childhood years, we'd have really gotten along well and been close. But thankfully we are close now; that counts for a lot to me.

Anyway, blah blah blah...
My point is, I'm tired, and lonely, and feeling very separated from my art life and art self. I feel like I might as well give up writing all together because by the time I will have time to write anything significant again, no one will care what I have to say. I think writer's are like actors, if you are gone for awhile, everyone just forgets about you. Mary, who? Which will eventually turn into Mary Who Cares? Or maybe this is the natural play out of what was supposed to be... maybe I didn't have any real talent to begin with and no one really cared to begin with.

There isn't much that is going to change around here anytime soon, so I guess I'd better just stop bitching and do what I tell so many others to do. Change it, accept it, or shut up.

So much to say, not enough time

2009-09-09T01:11:00.003-05:00

Wow, what a whirlwind.
I was buzzing around on..I can't even remember what day, because we were headed out of town. During that, I was stopped and offered a job... and found out it would be a full time teaching position, which was exciting and flattering. Not at all possible though, but I was honored all the same. I was told that I could work part time if i didn't want the full time position. But, I have to find out the hours, I am really hesitant about leaving turtle. I'm not sure Unchici would be available for that time; and I am not really ready for her to go to "day care" no matter how culturally extensive it is. There are things I'm really liking about the On campus day care, but I'm not thrilled that we would be going into cold and flu season and she would be exposed to who knows what. No, winter is our time to hunker down as a family, and stay away from most public places.
The bottom line is, I'm' not ready for her to be out in the world just yet. There will be more than enough time for that.
It's a lot to digest, but i follow my gut, and my gut is knotty, so I'm inclined to say no; even though it would be a big financial help and a really great career opportunity for me.

But this is the eve of turtle's 2nd birthday. I love that I have had two solid years with only her and i, and all my time is devoted to her. I'm not ready for that to change. She is independent enough,secure enough, that when school time comes, she will be out the door, blowing me kisses over her shoulder. Then i will go on to my next steps. But for now, I will enjoy this time, soak it up, revel in it, roll around on the floor with her, see everything through her eyes, just be.

There is so much more to say. I have such news from the weekend, such tales to tell, but now, I'm tired, and turtle is starting to stir, so I'm going to go crawl in next to her; enjoy her one more night of being a one year old.. for tomorrow she will have blessed our lives for two years. I can't believe it. On on hand, it feels like she has always been here, and on the other, I still remember the day she was born. The whole process of her coming here, the wonderous day of her birth; every minute since then. The good, the scary and the tiring.
It has always been worth it.

Like I told my dear friend KA this weekend... the hard times, the intense times, all pay off when we look at our children who reflect back to us the reward of being who they are fully, being secure, happy, well adjusted little beings who know they are sacred.

We've hit the two year mark, and I'm proud of us. (Mihgina and I) We are doing it the way we said we would, and we are so blessed to have this beautiful, sacred being, who makes the journey soo rewarding and soo fulfilling.

Someone, Somewhere

2009-08-29T23:28:00.007-05:00

I scroll through You Tube, and see videos I haven't seen in forever, and some, I've never seen until now.

Some of the videos I see, are ones that made huge impressions on me.

I've always been a very emotional, deeply feeling person. I see others pain, and have immense empathy for them and want to make things right. Injustice infuriates me. Intentional and unintentional pain inflicted on others, brings me to tears.

Growing up Mormon, I lived a rather dichotomous life. I was sheltered from the greater atrocities in the world, and many of the issues that affected the rest of the population, all while living in a very violent, abusive household, where certain members of my family were "privately prejudiced."

So, to see very real, very serious and painful issues blared across a television screen, while being set to music was very impressionable on me. The first video that affected me, and made me set my future plans right then and there was Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" video. I was all of 13 when I saw it, but I made a vow to myself that I was going to Ethiopia to help solve or end world hunger. This was only enforced when I saw Band Aid's video "Feed the World" for the End World Hunger campaign. Watching it again, it reminds me of how I felt then. I felt (then) that everyone who was on that video was so compassionate and caring to come together to make a video for this cause.. it must have meant so much to them in order to make a video for it. (I was a take- it- as- I- saw -it kind of girl.) Seeing it now; I think we would be hard pressed to find that many people banning together so innocently and openly these days. (Sadly, cynicism has replaced some of my young girl naiveté.)

People may laugh when they read this, but I was serious about my goals and my life choices then. I was going to join the Peace Corps, or do whatever I had to do in order to go to Ethiopia and try to make people's lives better. In fact, I even wrote a "book" about it when I was in 7^th grade that ended up winning a contest… unfortunately, the follow up book, failed miserably. Now, almost 23 years later, I see my life path didn't take me to where I originally planned. But a lot of things are similar. I'm still the same intensely feeling, empathetic, sensitive person I was then. Powerful videos still move me to tears (and action). If anyone wanted me to do something, all they'd have to do is make their plea on a music video, and I'd be there.

Perhaps that is part of what got me to become a writer, seeing how much power one voice can be, if it is placed correctly. There were other contributing factors to my becoming a writer, I just wonder if that was one of them.

I know that as a writer, I hold a lot of power, but with it, a lot of responsibility. I take that very seriously, and often use my ability to make a point, or bring attention to something. I've also been VERY honored and blessed to be asked to contribute to important, life affecting pieces. (Thank you to those involved, and there are quite a few of you.) So, even though, 23 years later, I am NOT in the peace corps,( I have however written about them here.) I do what I can in the "universe" that is my heritage. I am passionate about the issues that we as an Indigenous nation, (namely Sicangu Lakota) face; especially those faced by Women and children. When I go to graduate school for my psych degree, I will have even more tools at my aid to continue that journey.

If I look at the world as a whole, heck, even at the issues on the rez, it can quickly feel very overwhelming. But then if I do as Mihigna says and "eat it like an elephant"; then it feels less big and more doable. And at the end of the day, all I can do is tend to my little part of the world and know that somewhere, somehow, it will make a difference.

Free Rides and a playdate

2009-08-27T08:59:00.004-05:00

I went to rosebud fair last night, because the tribe opened the carnival for FREE from 6-10, so there were tons of people there!! Turtle had so much fun!!! I got some pics on my phone, but I'll have to download them.
Today turtle has a play date with some children from France. I met their mother shortly after we moved here, at the local coffee shop. They are always traveling here once a year, and we finally get to get together! I'm sure turtle will enjoy it, since she loves other children.
I don't have much time to write today, perhaps I will be back later.

If boobs make you squeamish, don't read this.

2009-08-25T01:10:00.002-05:00

NOTE:::
I discuss boobs and the sustenance of my child in the following post.. if these make you squeamish.. leave now.

Turtle is almost two. Some days I think she is getting ready to wean, not that I know what that is like having never had a child before. But I wonder about it, because from the time she was born, and put on my breast, she has always been clockwork with her nursing. Now, she seems to skip her morning nurse times, usually because we are playing outside somewhere. And my breasts seem different, not as full of milk.
If she is going to wean, I'm happy and sad. I'm happy because it means she did it on her own, of her own choosing, and that also means she is a happy, healthy, well adjusted baby who feel secure. I'm sad because who wouldn't be sad at the conclusion of such a wonderful time that you have spent with the smallish love of your life?

I have more to say on this, but I'm tired, and I want to go to bed.

I'm learning too

2009-08-25T00:33:00.004-05:00

Months ago, I saw that turtle was saying "thank you" and using it appropriately. I was glowingly proud of this. We hadn't taught her that; we hadn't TOLD her to say it. She started it, all on her own. It was one of my proudest Ina moments. She was reflecting the environment she was being raised in. A child who is respected learns to respect others.
I pride myself on the fact that I parent naturally. I don't succumb to what ideologies "society" thinks makes a great child. I parent from the heart and in the moment. But sometimes, I mess up.

I was out and about today wiht turtle and we stopped to see someone we knew to relay an important message about an umpcoming event. This woman really enjoys turtle and engages her whenever she can. However, turtle was not feeling like conversation today, so she smiled and buried her head into my neck. I suddenly felt like I had to justify why my child wasn't talking. I felt like I had assure the woman my daughter wasn't being "rude." But really I was abandoning my self and worse, my daughter, for being exactly who she was in that exact moment. She had done nothing wrong, and I fell into the old school need to have my daughter appear to be "well mannered." Even as aware as I am about respecting my daughter's wishes and needs, I became aware that we can slip into the kind of "socialization" we were brought up with and mistakenly take it out on our children.

Maybe I'll have to write this down, and print it up so that I remember in those times of wavering. A reminder to myself to allow turtle to be who she is at any given moment, without excuse or justification; but rather faith and pride that she knows she is free to be and feel whatever she needs to.

wierd dreams

2009-08-23T13:45:00.003-05:00

I was up late last night, I think, working on the computer. I was playing on facebook, amidst writing on my book, and making up the invite list to turtle's birthday party. When Turtle woke up, I went in to nurse her but fell asleep and we both woke up about 6:30 this AM. I fell asleep thinking about an old friend from my childhood and how I've been finding more people from my life back then via facebook. That is wondeful and wierd to me, I'll explain in a bit.

Today, I was nursing turtle to sleep for her nap, and fell asleep right next to her. I fell asleep with my head propped up on the headboard.

In my dream, my head was burning, and I wasn't sure why. I was with this friend of mine, who is a therapist, and he was doing therapy with me, why I have no idea. Anyway, he was doing all these weird things, like grabbing my wrists to see my reaction, and pinching me, and just really weird stuff.

Then he put a trash can over my head, and it still had trash in it, (that part makes me laugh) but he asked me, "Are you scared?" and I said, "No, I'm mad!" and I was watching all the little floaties from the trash come down around me, hoping none of it would actually touch me.

Then the dream switched and I was observing this family. It was a neurotic mother, an abusive father and a youngish boy.(about 8) I must have been making a home observation, because I was in their house, sitting across from them, and they were all posed on the couch, ready to tell me what a good job they were doing as a family. I asked them how they were doing, and the mother said in a saccharine voice, "We're fine" I asked them if there had been any incidents. Everyone said no. But then the husband reached behind the wife's head and grabbed her neck, in that abusive manner. He said "No, at least there had better not have been any incidents." Then the boy said something, and they both turned and hit him in the back of the head.
Suddenly I wasn't even in the room anymore, not as the therapist anyway. But suddenly Turtle was there, on the couch next to them, or by them. I started to tell her I didn't want her seeing this crap; but before I could even say anything, she got up and walked to the back of the trailer. Yes, they suddenly lived in a a trailer. And I put myself between her and the weirdness that was going on behind me. I watched her with one eye, but was on guard for what the family would do next.

They were all still sitting on the couch, but now, they were making small talk amongst themselves. The mother had picked up a cupcake, where she got it, I Don't know, but she put it in her mouth, and was talking and suddenly, she starts gagging and spitting it out. She's going on and on about it being poisoned, and the husband and boy just sit there, watching her. Then she just stops and takes another bite. But her son takes a cupcake and bites into it, and they both smack it out of his hand, and it's goes flying across the room. He stands there with this bewildered look on his face, and the cupcake is lying flat on the floor, frosting side down, with all the little candies that topped it, all scattered all over the floor. I remember laughing when they smacked it out of his hand, because no matter the situation, anytime, anyone smacks food out of someone's hand, just as they are going to bite, looks hilarious!

Anway, so i'm still standing there, between the family and turtle, who is on the other side of this wall, playing away, totally unaware of what is going on. I suddenly feel this horrific pain in my head again, like burning. The family is fighting amongst themselves, aruguing, when suddenly someone comes into their house. The feeling in the air got all ominous... and I thought it was my friend-the therapist coming to do a house check. But I knew it was someone coming to commit murder. Someone was going to die, I didn't know who, but someone in that room. I picked up Turtle and headed out, shielding her against my body. My head was still burning, I woke up and my head was smashed in to the wood grooves on the headboard.
That is where the burning painful feeling was coming from.

I have no idea what the dream was about.. well ok, after writing it out, I have a few ideas. But it was weird, and funny, and scary.

This is actually quite boring

2009-08-19T22:20:00.001-05:00

It has taken us five days to get our internet back, and I'm very happy to have it back. I didn't realize just how much I depend on the internet to do a lot of things, like get recipies, check ingredient information, check the weather.

But we finally have it back, and I'm soooo happy!

I'm on the hunt for a new cell phone, I dumped Alltell due to its CRAPPY service.. then I picked qwest service back up ;only to end up sending back their blackberry curve(…waa) because they didn't bother to tell me how much the internet package would be. Thusly, when I got my bill and it was 246.00. I said, "I don't think so! " But the reality is, I need a cell phone, but I don't want to pay a ridiculous amount of money for one. So, I have been shopping around lately. Ironically, our little cow poke town has three cell companies, and so I think I've found what I want, for the price I want. The only deal breaker will be if their service coverage area isn't as good as I need it to be. That was one of the strikes(one of many) against alltell, I'd drive two miles east of my house and have no service. Not good. So, the nice people at this current company I'm looking at, lends you cell phones to try; which is what I'm doing for the next three days. Plus, they have a 15 day love it or leave it agreement. Yey! Geez, I'm not sure how this turned into the woeish tales of my cell phone.

Blah blah blah.

Turtle's birthday is around the corner and her Nakpa ceremony; the birthday comes first, so we are preparing for that. We are heading east in two weeks to get her presents and supplies, as well as take in a bit of the big city; ahhhh, REAL art, REAL art museums!!! Aaaahhh, a real shopping choice!! We are very excited! We get to eat at our favorite Thai restaurant and see dear, old friends.

This is really a boring post, and I have nothing to say. I have time to write, but my brain is mush…. Sorry to be soo blah de blah. It's ironic how I can write all sorts of posts in my head as I'm doing dishes, or cleaning, or falling asleep, but as soon as my fingers touch the keys, I'm bella boring.

Oh well, I guess I'll go do something far more productive.

For now, "Bella- bores –you"

flittery thoughts.

2009-08-13T15:17:00.003-05:00

I am doing a lot of this and that, as turtle sleeps.

I'm mainly working on manuscripts and trying to get them organized and find places to submit them. My writing life has felt a bit stale as of late, not for lack of inspiration, but for lack of time, uninterrupted time.

I love living on the ranch, but it keeps coming back to one thing, the artistic cultural aspects are so lacking. SO lacking. The activities for small children are so lacking, the interest in engaging young children, (I'm talking preschool and nursery school age)is NILL. I had a woman tell me this a.m who works for a city position, (that is all I'll say for her ID protection) who told me that while there are lots of activities for children,(six and up)but it's mostly a dumping ground for parents. I just happened to look up Boston, why, I'm not sure, i just did.
They have a huge program for smallish children. and the art scene is wonderful!!!

I really don't think we are going to be able to stay here long term; there just isn't enough things that mesh with us, our interests and activities and flourish abilities for turtle. WE don't want her to just succeed, we want her to FLOURISH.

It's funny how you can settle when it's just you, but once you become a parent, everything changes.

Kate Gosslin would crap her pants....

2009-08-12T15:52:00.003-05:00

I am NOT a fan of Kate Gosslin, for many reasons, going far back before all the public crap that has been in the news.
But she popped into my head this afternoon as I played with my beautiful daughter and we covered our bodies in markers and she then proceeded to color her dress. I know Kate Gosslin would have crapped her pants. And I'd have laughed.

Because we, had FUN!! We wrote the names of our body parts on the appropriate appendage, and drew incredible "tatt" (tattoos) on our arms and legs. It was another little moment that I hope added to her bank of joy. I love her so.
Unfortunately, she started drawing on the furniture so we had to put the markers up. She didn't like that, I didn't like that. It was a very hard time for both of us. Hard but necessary.
After Turtle went down for a nap, I went right to the phone to call my dear friend KS. I cried as I told her the story and told her I was worried I hadn't handled it right...and got reassurance that I had. KS is not only a dear friend but was a child development specialist, so I value her word in this area.

I'm tired now, and need to do some housework, but just wanted to drop this post in, in case anyone else was having a particularly rough, or hard day.

mumbling Ina rant... working things out.

2009-08-11T08:07:00.005-05:00

Ok, the following is a rant, as a result of something that happened yesterday.... I haven't figured it all out yet, but here is what I have so far.

While Turtle napped yesterday, I sat down and started watching this documentary called nursery university. Unbelievable. I didn't get to see the whole thing, so I netflixed it.. you should too.
What I saw on there made my stomach upset. I went and looked up the requirements for children entering preschool. Preschool. In order for children to be admitted to preschool,(ages 2-5) they must have be able to do the following.

Be independent of their parent for 2-3 hours.

Recite their home address

Be potty trained.

Recite their parent's first and last names.

Engage and converse freely and clearly in conversation

and various other tasks, that I cannnot remember.

It really bothered me.

But why exactly?

I personally don't feel that a two year old should be able to recite her address or even know her parent's "real" names. If you asked turtle, she'd tell her our names are At'e and Ina.

It really upset me. But I didn't exactly know why. I know children are capable of learning anything and everything.

When mihigna got home, I discussed it with him, and asked him to tell me why it was bothering me so much.

He said that first of all, it's the way it's presented, like you cannot enter preschool unless you know these things.... so that makes me picture little children being force fed this information.. and that bothers me because I see them having to conform, rather than just be who they naturally are, or would become.
(I DON'T do well with people telling me what HAS to be done, with no explanation. Having gotten away from my abusive past, I've bucked authority so hard it's not even funny.) So, ok, I can see that.

Second, it's the cookie cutter, box-fitting formula that I hate. HATE. Someone somewhere says, "You(child) will do X in X manner in order to fit into this little category that will further your ability to learn information and spew it back out on command. Then we'll pat you on the head and make you think you are a "good" person." It feels stifling to me and I hated it being done to me, and I don't want that for my daughter. I don't do cookie cutter well; granted, it made me, makes me, the outsider many, many times. But, I would rather be the "outsider" than be living some false life following some one else's idea of what my life should look like, and be.

And lastly, it makes it feel like with these requirements, the children don't get to be children in their own right, own time. I want my child to be who she is at any given moment and have the freedom to discover and learn at her own pace.

So the question I'm left with is, does this bother me because my Ina alarm is going off, or does it bother me because I was a Montessori teacher and I know the "box" isn't the only way to teach?

Or is it just bothering me because it's setting off my own alarms from my past and I need to back off, and realize turtle is an intact soul and is stronger and more secure than I was? ("A tyrant will always find a pretext for his tyranny.")

See, I told you this was a rant and it's not worked out yet, so you can let me think about it more, or chime in. It's still messy for me, but I need to figure it out, because I don't like the stomach in knots but don't know why feeling.

weekend happenings

2009-08-10T13:51:00.004-05:00

It was another really awesome weekend w/ mihgna and cunksi. We didn't do lot. went grocery shopping on sat, and to a memorial for his uncle. Then we hung out at home and did some ranch stuff on sunday.

We finally let the crabby white kid out into the pasture. We have her staked out right now, until we can be 100% sure there are no baby goat sized gaps in the fence in which she could escape. She's very happy to be out there, and she will let us pet her, if we catch her and hold her. I don't think she realizes if she just gives up the game, things will go a lot easier for her. Who wants to be stressed out that much?

When I was staking her out, I heard goats bleating, so we went over to the canyons to look, to no avail. Darn it. I really miss my baby goats, but evidently it's all one sided. Maybe I kissed and hugged them too much...but they were just sooo cute!

The weather has been gorgeous.. cool and a bit humid, but not unbearable. I LOVE IT! The CC fair starts this week, so that will be fun. I LOVE fairs!! and now that we get to share it with turtle, it will be double the fun. I'm SUPER psyched for rosebud fair, but I don't really want that one to come fast, cuz that pretty much means the end of summer. But I love rosebud fair, it's so awesome.. the BEST RIDES, the BEST food, the BEST wacipi, and all kinds of other things going on. TOTAL AND COMPLETE AWESOMENESS!!!! And turtle is gonna look so awesome this year in her little regalia, all dancing around, in her utter adorability!!

ok, I'm getting off here to do some stuff. For now, M

Look, listen!

2009-08-07T22:42:00.005-05:00

Well fair season has kicked off around here. Today turtle and I went up to the rez for the TC fair. It was cute, there were a handful of cows and calves and about 4 goats. And one steer. Guess who won grand champion. haa haa. It was sweet. Turtle LOVED it! We got some goat advice, and I was able to see what tame goats look like, haa haa!

It was a long day though, and humid, ugh, nasty humid. We tried to lay down in the van with the a/c going, but turtle was too excited, and she'd nurse, but she fought sleep. So, we finally got up and watched the little bird band. They were pretty good, cute as anything. But when they got done, I was so hot and turtle was tired, so we headed out. We drove through town, because I was going to go to the store, but turtle wanted to go right home. So, I headed east toward home. We crested the top of the hill, and I looked in the mirror, she was out. Dangit!
So, i drove up to the barn, and mihigna and I decided to go back down to town to p.h, and hopefully she wouldn't be too mad when she woke up.

She woke up when I took her out of her car seat, and she was happy to see her At'e. But when we got to the booth, she melted down. Crying and not wanting to be touched. But, she was on the edge of the booth, and she could have easily fallen out. I told mighigna to pick her up, she didn't want to be picked up. I walked over and offered her a variety of things, mni,(water) asanpi pte, (milk) kapopi, she didn't want anything. She pushed me away and was crying. By this time, the other people were looking at us with scowls on their faces. I scooped her up, walked over by the entrance and just stood there a bit. I asked her if she wanted to go to the van, no. Did she want to get down, no. did she just want to stay right there. no. Did she want asanpi. yes. So, I dried her tears and told her we'd go back to the booth and have sanp. We walked back, and I nursed her. She switched sides, and was in a better mood.

I thought it was a good example of how we need to just block what everyone else is thinking and how they are looking at us, and pay full attention to what our child needs. I knew she was tired from being up so long and having a late nap. I knew she would be inconsolable for a bit, and just needed some holding time and time to cry. I gave her what she needed and it was all fine. I don't/didn't care what anyone around us thought. I didn't care how they looked at us. I will not bend my child to fit societies needs. She is a fabulous, amazing, intelligent, sweet, well mannered being, and I will encourage and foster that.

Times like that are also easier for me, because she is just like me. I get googly and out of sorts when i have not had sufficient sleep or when I have slept too late in the afternoon. (After 4.) And there is nothing that can be done, except to be held and nurtured and then it all passes. I never got that. I was always expected to bend and mold to societies rules and expectations.

As preschool time looms in the distance, I grow torn. She is so smart, she will hardly be going there for her abc's and 123's; (she already recites them) but she is, like me, a HUGE social butterfly and will enjoy socialization. She, LOVES people. But how will I, be ok with putting her in school that expects cookie cutter children and writing with your "correct" hand, and rules and regulations that are more for the teacher's happiness than the students? I have asked Mihigna repeatedly, how do we put our beautiful, sweet, heard, polite, sharing, child into a world where children are ignored for phone calls, other children don't share, hit, bite, etc, say horrific, mind blowing things, (NOT in a good way.)And talk about shows, products, media, things that we don't allow into our home? She is this perfectly intact little being. I don't want the world to break her. I don't think we have "bubbled" her. She gets out, a lot, socializes, plays with other children. But I do think that our home is a oasis, a utopia; in the sense that we have manners, we speak kindly to each other, we LOVE each other. There is respect, acknowledgment, unconditional love, in our home. When she speaks, we listen. We really listen. Actively listen.

The greater world, is a cold, selfish, self absorbed place. Have you NOTICED how many parents are texting or chatting on their cell phones while their children wait for their attention? Or how many children talk to parents who aren't really listening, (much less looking,) but make distracted, empty noises/responses?

All I can hope for, is that she realizes that while that goes on out there, we don't do that in our home; and when she is with us, we will love her, listen to her, respond to her, and let her be, whatever it is she needs to be, at whatever time.
This is what I know. I am an Ina. and no matter how old she gets, or what comes along. She will always be first and most important. My job can wait, my house can wait, the damn telemarketers can wait. The world can wait. Because when I die, I want to be able to say, yes tunkasila, you gave me the most sacred gift, and I did my best to love her and give her all that she needed at all times.
I know at times I will fail, but I also know two of the most healing words in the human language. I'm sorry.

I watched a talk show once that Cher was on. She said: "I answer to two people. Myself and God." I love that. Personally, I answer to thee people. Myself, Tunkasila, and Turtle.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

It still gives me goosebumps and brings tears to my eyes

2009-08-04T23:38:00.011-05:00

When it was first released, I heard DMC's song, "Just like me" and then saw the video. It gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes. I then saw the video. Unbelievable. It was the first time I'd heard a song about adoption. I was even more stoked that Sarah Mclachlan was on it.
When I saw the video, it was so powerful because she's in the background all ethereal like. And the symbolism is soo incredible!
The adoption process is so different now, but he hit it right on the head, it was so cold and raw and many times, heartless. It makes it easier to understand why so many children who were taken, were left with soul wounds.

I could so identify with him, but only up to a certain point. My life wasn't as fairy tale-ish and beautiful. It turned out beautifully, because I made it so.
And it is fabulous now, because I'm home where I belong. But I wished I'd have heard this waaay back when I was going through it all. It'd have helped.

I'm posting the video on here. It will give you goosebumps and move you. (Especially if you have had this experience.)
Shortly after it came out, he made a documentary about his journey to find his mom, and of course, I watched it. Sarah Mclaclan was on it, and she said that she also had been adopted. No wonder I thought she was awesome.
I found it ironic, because I remember when DMC was big, I was young, but I really liked his stuff, and so rap, has always, for me, been held up against his standard.
I had tried to get in touch with him, but it never worked. I just hope he realized how much he will and has helped others who experienced this very thing.

Hazy night with clear thoughts.

2009-08-03T22:19:00.003-05:00

Tonight was my women's group. I love them, they are some amazing women. I have two new members and so we got to know each other a little better. I think they will be coming back, and they are a perfect fit for our group. But, I had to break the bad news tonight. We may not get refunded, from the powers that be; which means, I'll be out of a job, and our little group will technically be disbanded.

But, I am toying with the idea that I will continue with the group even if we don't get refunded, and I don't get a paycheck. It is an important group for my women, I have seen the two regulars change in the year we have been together. I know it makes a difference, and it is too important to let go. I asked if they wanted to continue and they did, so I will continue with it, and look to get funded from other places. The place where we meet is wonderful and community oriented so they will let us keep meeting there. Right now, Subway provides our dinner, so we will have to switch to potluck, and that is ok too.
So, i will have to go write up a proposal and start hitting the pavement for some mazaska. It is such a needed service in this town, I'm sure it will get funded.

On the way home tonight, I drove slowly. Well, five miles under the speed limit. It was a perfect summer night, just the right temperature, the sun was still up and there was a haze over the horizon. It's nice to live in a place where the haze isn't because there is too much pollution in the air. I was feeling on top of the world. I was bopping out to some singer on the radio, (HOPING it wasn't bratney spears,) and thinking about getting home to my family and playing outside. So I buzzed up the driveway, bounced into the house. I was greeting by a diaper wearing, paint covered turtle, who commenced to CRACK me up with her impression of "calm". I then put her in the sling, and we all went for a walk on our property. It was gorgeous and perfect. We are so blessed and we were all feeling blissed out on our family love and blessings. It was a beautiful night. Now, turtle sleeps happily and I need to get to work on my proposal.

In the distance, lighnting flashes and thunder rumbles. I'm grateful for my laptop.

Why there are no pics and weekend happenings.

2009-08-03T14:26:00.005-05:00

I read today's post by mamascup and went immediately took many of my photos of turtle down. I don't usually post pics of her, because I don't trust the internet, or the sickos out there. I only started posting pics because I figured they would be fairly safe. Guess not. I should have just listened to myself, as I usually do. I started doing it because R told me that one of the reasons other mom's blogs are so read is because they do a lot of the things I don't. Meaning, post lots of pictures and write about a lot of personal family things.

I probably will never do this, because I am super protective of my family and will not risk her safety for increased readership. It's just not worth it. So, I'm sorry, but I have pulled many of the turtle pictures down. If you want to see her, I may set up a password protected account and you can see them there.

Anyway, our weekend was really good, we went out and collected sage. It was a gorgeous day, sunny and warm and as I was listening to the highway traffic in the distance, I got all itchy for the road. Unfortunately, my wallet is on the lean side. So, no road trips in the near future. After collecting sage, we went home and hung out and visited with our friends from out of town.

Today, we finally made it to story time and she had a blast! They heard a story about painting, then they went out and painted a square on the front of the library walkway. Everyone loved turtle's painting and thought it was hilarious how well she could paint. She's an old pro. Painting is one of her favorite pastimes.
She really loved it and saw her friend there and got to hang out with her for awhile. Then we had lunch out and came home for a nap. I can't believe how fast she is growing. I can't believe its august.
I can't believe it's going to be sept and her birthday.

I'm off to do Ina art.

more later.

HOT days

2009-08-02T16:48:00.003-05:00

OK, I finished the post on the baby debacle.. but it posted on the date when I originally started it, so you have to go back to like last Sunday.

We have had a busy few days here. We had some friends stay with us after the sundance, and that has been really enjoyable. Keya has LOVED it. We've had yummy food and great conversation.

Today is really hot, and we are wimping out and staying inside. I made root beer floats and home made salsa. (not together) And I have bread dough rising that will be turned into biscuits for biscuits and gravy. YUM.

Now I'm off to go snuggle with hubbs and turtle.

an update but nothing important.or interesting

2009-07-29T11:20:00.003-05:00

I am still working on the post in response to Stephanie Precourt's blog and all the hubbub over the fiasco at blogher. But I will get there, just keep checking back.

So much has happened, is happening. My kids ran away, (the goats) well all of them except the crabby, insulent white kid. Who was kept in the barn, because of said attitude. the others had calmed down, and were tamed. I am sad and sick over it. They were in the backyard, and one of them, Gleza, I'm assuming, pushed the gate open and let everyone out.
I have no sign of them. I've informed my neighbors, now I'll have to put it on the radio.
It's a cold, rainy day. But I like it. Turtle is sleeping, so I have time to work. And I have much to work on, let me tell you. My varying manuscripts would be enough to keep me busy all day. But I only have nap time, so I'm going to go put laundry in the dryer and then figure out where I'll concentrate. You never know, I may just be back here to work on these posts that I have been putting off.

I went to my art group last night, so that was the best thing for me ever! Suddenly, I feel all inspired and refreshed and ready to create again. I made a clay slip project, so when it is fired, I'll pic it here. I also found the land pics for this place, and will post those. I know, I know, I've said that before. You just wait and see!