Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Raw emotion

This weekend was pretty rough for me.
 On friday night, we had a storm that knocked out our electricity, so after Turtle crawled off to bed, Mihigna ki an I watched Imprint.( finally!!!!! )  When my dad came on, in all his glory, I had a wierd gut reaction. He spoke mostly Lakota through the whole movie, and seeing him really got me in an odd place.
I didn't really give it much thought. Okay, I totally boxed it up and shoved it in the closet.
anyway, the movie ended, the electric came back on, and we both went about our seperate things.
I started working at my computer, and I was suddenly overwhelemed with missing my mom (birth) and my aunt. It was so overwhelming, it took my breath away, and locked my throat up. (Even writing about it now, days later, my throat gets tight)
I started crying, really crying, deep, sad, sorrowful cries. Mihigna ki came out to see what was wrong. I felt kinds ridiculous. I told him I missed my mom, which also made me miss Auntie.
he didn't say much, he comforted me and we moved on.
The next morning, Turtle and I got up and we made pancakes and were chatting and I was at the kitchen sink, when again, this feeling washed over me, this huge wave of sadness just slammed me. I walked into the office and started crying again.  Turtle came and asked what was wrong, so I told her I missed my mom.

Mihigna ki took me into his arms again,and I said I thought that the movie is what brought this all up. Seeing my dad like that, knowing (here come the tears) we have this genetic bond but we are seperated by this huge chasm that he is in no hurry to heal, or lessen; kills me. (long story. too long for here) 
Mihigna ki told me I needed to call him.( my dad) I told him it wont do any good. I need something from him (dad) that I am never going to get. Which is the root of the problem. I am essentially, an orphan. I have no family, on my side, no family.  I told Mihigna ki I know I shouldn't even be bothered by it, because I have him and Turtle I have made this perfect little family that I should curl up into. But there is still that longing, that hole, that feeling of utter orphan-dom. 
And that is what hurts me to the core, what makes me so lonely I can feel it in my bones and what makes me so incredibly sorrowful I can't even cry enough tears.
I never did call my father, because it would be useless, like I said, what I need, I am not going to get.
Ever.

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