Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Life lessons

I find myself really aggitated with many around me of late.
It is because people seem to be acting out on others and saying things with no seeming awareness.
I would probably be upset about these things even if I was not an Ina, but now that I am an Ina, YOUR Ina, it really gets my blood boiling. Because now I think:
what if it was YOU who was standing near by when those words came out of someone's mouth? What if it was you who saw someone act cruel or inappropriate to another person?
How would it affect you? Would it alter your perception of the world, of wasicu's, of Lakota's?

My heart hurts that I cannot give you the perfect, safe, loving world outside these four walls. I wish to God everyone was as evolved, respectful, selfless, and conscious as we practice to be.
By my dear smallish Turtle, that is not the case. And as the days go by, some days I do feel it hard to find the happy place, the good ones, because so many here are so dark, so negative, so selfish, so ignorant and worse, some are so proudly racist.

This is why, now, more than ever it is so vital to live our virtues, walk our talk, surround ourselves with our ways, only in Tunkasila can we make it through the hard days, the days when you want to just sit down and cry because someone is so cruel, so unaware of how cruel, and ignorant they are, and not because it affects me so much, but because I can't help but feel how it affects others around them.
I have lots of things I want you to learn, but people's actions, words, of late bring it slammingly home:
 "Somebody, somewhere feels the affects of another's actions."

If we could all just remember this, I think people, big and small, would start living a bit more consciously and start treading a bit lighter on people's feelings, their hearts, their rights, and the world.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the love of my life...

So, my precious turtle love...
today, we did all kinds of fun stuff, we read books and danced to music, we played in the tipi, we ate spagehetti for lunch, and dinner. but probably my favorite part, one of them, was roasting marshmellows. You wanted to roast marshmellows, but the wind was too high for the fire, so we cut a green stick and then cooked them over the stove in teh kitchen. Man, they were yummy!!


And spending time with you, was the best part of all, as always.
You light up my life, you make my heart sing, you bring a smile to my face and you fill me to overflowing with joy.

Thanks for being my baby, it is such a joy to be your Ina! I love you so! xoxoxoxoxo

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

update

Life has been crazy and wonderful.
But right now, I'm going to write about today.

Turtle and I built a tipi taht we played in, and ate in, and (she) tried to sleep in. The cat played in it, climbed the walls of it, the dog came in and plopped down in it, while smooshing us up against the permiter of it.

We walked down a long deserted dirt road, without my camera. It was a gorgeous day and I was living in teh moment rather than capturing them.
thsi evening, Turtle, Mihigna Ki and I went to dinner with his parents whom i love dearly. Turtle was amazingly wonderful, perfcetly mannered, and such a joy. (as always) we came home so mihigna ki could change and then went to the park where we hiked in the woods and saw deer. She was sandwiched between us, we talked and dreamed of our future. I watched her in all her gorgeous beauty and wonder and got so full up of emotion I got tears in my eyes. I know I say it alot, but its so true, she is so amazing and we are so blessed.
she's just this complete little person. As we drove home I kept glancing at her in the mirror, as she watched and danced to the penut butter jelly song that her ate' played for her on his phone; she looked up at me, her expression saying, At'e knows I love this song. then he played her favorite video for who let the dogs out, and i watched her, as a strand of long hair hung in her face, I saw her features, a perfect mix of him and i.
 she is perfection personified.
my heart grows each day with more love for her, for him, for our little, complete family.
When I'm with them, all is right in the world.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My new post!

My new article is up at Life As A Human! /www.lifeasahuman.com/2010/inspirational/mitakuye-oyasin-we-are-all-related/

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Raw emotion

This weekend was pretty rough for me.
 On friday night, we had a storm that knocked out our electricity, so after Turtle crawled off to bed, Mihigna ki an I watched Imprint.( finally!!!!! )  When my dad came on, in all his glory, I had a wierd gut reaction. He spoke mostly Lakota through the whole movie, and seeing him really got me in an odd place.
I didn't really give it much thought. Okay, I totally boxed it up and shoved it in the closet.
anyway, the movie ended, the electric came back on, and we both went about our seperate things.
I started working at my computer, and I was suddenly overwhelemed with missing my mom (birth) and my aunt. It was so overwhelming, it took my breath away, and locked my throat up. (Even writing about it now, days later, my throat gets tight)
I started crying, really crying, deep, sad, sorrowful cries. Mihigna ki came out to see what was wrong. I felt kinds ridiculous. I told him I missed my mom, which also made me miss Auntie.
he didn't say much, he comforted me and we moved on.
The next morning, Turtle and I got up and we made pancakes and were chatting and I was at the kitchen sink, when again, this feeling washed over me, this huge wave of sadness just slammed me. I walked into the office and started crying again.  Turtle came and asked what was wrong, so I told her I missed my mom.

Mihigna ki took me into his arms again,and I said I thought that the movie is what brought this all up. Seeing my dad like that, knowing (here come the tears) we have this genetic bond but we are seperated by this huge chasm that he is in no hurry to heal, or lessen; kills me. (long story. too long for here) 
Mihigna ki told me I needed to call him.( my dad) I told him it wont do any good. I need something from him (dad) that I am never going to get. Which is the root of the problem. I am essentially, an orphan. I have no family, on my side, no family.  I told Mihigna ki I know I shouldn't even be bothered by it, because I have him and Turtle I have made this perfect little family that I should curl up into. But there is still that longing, that hole, that feeling of utter orphan-dom. 
And that is what hurts me to the core, what makes me so lonely I can feel it in my bones and what makes me so incredibly sorrowful I can't even cry enough tears.
I never did call my father, because it would be useless, like I said, what I need, I am not going to get.
Ever.