Saturday, February 27, 2010

My first post!

I am writing for Life As a Human, (www.lifeasahuman.com) and my first post is up, so please go read it! thanks!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Cici's.

Life is turning around. I am much less crabby and mad these days. YEY!!
  Today, we blessed the house. First, cunksi and I, then when he got home, Mihigna did it.
 It had been on my list of things to do.. we were going to call tankasi and Uncici, but have not quite gotten around to it.  Then this a.m over breakfast, cunksi told me it was a man who was scaring her and wouldn't leave her alone in her room. A "cici" (ghost) so I told her we'd get rid of it, and we got right up and got the pejihota and we marched right in there and got rid of it.  She helped me, she prayed, and then when we were done, it was all better, and they were gone; and she was able to play in her room again.  She was able to sleep without any problems and went down without any fear.
 It was such a proof in life that if you listen to your child, she/he will guide to as to what their needs are.
I am so grateful that we listen to cunksi so closely and we were able to take care of the problem.
It was cute though, because when mihigna got home, he went and did it again, and after he prayed, he started singing, I was in the kitchen, cooking; when he started singing, cunksi told him to stop singing that song, and to sing humpty dumpty instead.  Lila co!!!
But either way, our house is finally back to normal.. and I'm so grateful! It was getting much too crowded in here with all the bad moods floating around.  We knew there was a lot of residual ooginess from the house's origional owners and we were having signs of all the ickiness that was accumulated here from them. But, they couldn't stay here, we are a much too loving family and our house is (normally) filled with light, love, health, and laughter.
And now, it's finally ours again.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Sunshine of my life....

I just want to write these down, for future sake.

Yesterday, you and I were walking down the driveway and we saw some crushed tubleweeds. You said, "Tumbleweeds Ina"'
"Yes Cunksi"
"They look like little birds nests."


Later in the store, we were checking out and you looked up at me, you were sitting in the cart:
"We have no quarters Ina?"
"Nope, no quarters."
I think it's pretty cool at 2.5 yrs old, you not only know what a quarter IS, but know what it is used for!

Today, you were drawing while I was working on Language notes and you drew a polar bear, a cookie, a rainbow, and "rain, rain rain."
You're awesomeness just gets grows with every sunrise.
At breakfast, lunch and dinner, you ask each of us, how our day was.  You also ask me throughout the day, "How is your day Ina?"
Yesterday, we were driving up to the rez, you were in your carseat and you asked: Where is Kimber, willow and willows brother?"
You're SUCH a cool kid! Thanks for being ours.

Monday, February 15, 2010

More Than Just letters

(Originally posted on my writing site on Jan 27, 2010)


Tiwahe Wica Yu Wita Win

I've been thinking lately of my Lakota name. I always want to put it on things like my phone, but never can, because the character allowance, is not long enough. it stops at Wit. If I type it in with no spaces, it will stop at: tiwahewichayuwitawi. Which, I guess might be OK. But I know better. It could be seen as acceptable as the shortened version of Win, or properly, Winyan.

I say I know better, because I do. I was taught the proper way to use my Language and why we need to use it that way. Even though, as the days go by, this concept seems to be slipping away with the ozone.
An elder of mine and I have had many discussions on how our culture has become what I call the 7-11 culture. Easy, fast, instant gratification. (I could post once a day everyday for the next year on THAT alone.) This isn't right. Our culture has always had its very own language and rules for the language, reasons for WHY words are the way they are. As an alumni of Sinte Gleska University, I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, be for, use first, and defend (adamantly, if need be), our "true" language. The language that was put into print because of Albert White Hat.
Back to my name. Now, the proper word for Woman, is Winyan. Over time it has been acceptable to use Win. However, to use Wi, is shortening it for mere convenience, the word Wi has it's own meaning namely, the sun.

Knowing that, I refuse to perpetuate the convenience of my culture; I will not allow my name to be bastardized and shortened to Wi. First of all, my name is sacred, in the sense that it was given to me by my father, it was picked especially for me, and(to my foremost knowledge,) it is directly and correctly translated as is, without any adjustments needing to be made. Meaning, he did not have to come up with a Lakota translation for an English word.
I am VERY proud of my name. It envelops completely, my journey home and all the stepping stones that were put in place on that journey. It gave me goosebumps when I received it, because I knew what it meant, and flashed on a few specific times in my life when these events had happened. In a life so far away, and so foreign from the people whose blood flowed through my veins. It was another confirmation that the spirits had kept their hands in my life, and I had not been tossed carelessly to the greater world beyond.

I, by no means, am a fluent speaker, but I'm a constant student, as are most people,even in the English language. But this is what I know. I AM a Lakota Winyan, I am an Ina, a member of the Sicangu Nation, and therefore, it is my duty to not let our language get bastardized by the wasicu "scholars" who want to make money off of it, and who, by the way DO NOT send one penny of that money back here to our tribe, our university OR our reservation. Nor can I allow it to drift away on the morning mist. I know that once it's gone, it's gone for good. And then we will be no better than, common mainstream Americans who once had a culture, but don't know much about it now.
Had I not returned home, I'd have been a Indian with no tribe, no language, no pride. But I have returned, I have taken my place in the hoop, and now I have this gorgeous daughter who speaks the language, knows her culture. She will grow up with the ceremonies, the traditions, the everyday, this is just what we do, because this is who we are. She, will not know any different. As it should be. You cannot live your culture when it's "cool","fun" or easy. If you are living as you should be, it will rarely be easy.
We have had far too many generations of soul-wounded, displaced, lost children who gravitate and latch onto any form of connection... (I.E, gangs). The time for that is over. We must do our parts to re instill the culture in ourselves, our lives, our children, our tribe. Do we have the answers to EVERYTHING? No. But that is what our tiwahe, tiyospaye and oyate, is for.

PS: I purposely did not translate my name. Maybe on a another day

Friday, February 12, 2010

here I go, feeling again....

I may have posted about this at some point previously, but I'm doing it again.

     I see that they have made a new We are the World, for Haiti. It's different than the original, which is ok, it's a different time, a different bunch of people and a different cause.
      I was small when Micheal Jackson's came out, and now I find out that it wasn't really "his" but i thought it was. Anyway, as I've mentioned here before, I'm very much an empath, so being such a youngster, and hearing this song, rocked my world, impacting me in such a way that would go on to leave me open to be affected by so many other occurances like this.  It stirred the same response in me, that I had when I learned about the statue of liberty, (she then became my hero.More on that later.)  That was the fact, that when people gather together with the same cause, the same mindset, the same ulterior motive, they become one heart, and in doing so change the world.
 
    It was through that video that i learned of and became fond of, many of the artists who partook in the making of that song/video.  I dont' know if the Band Aid song came before or after WATH, but it also moved me to tears... and still does. and then Micheal jackson wrote man in the mirror... tears, tears, tears. 

    But it was these small things that made me know of the great tragedy in the world beyond my house walls; and made me feel that I had to do what I could to make a difference in whatever way I could.  The Man in the Mirror video is what made me declare at the tender age of 13, that when I grew up I was going to join the peace cor, travel to Ethiopia and help end world hunger.
  The great thing about that video is what MJ did so perfectly all the time.  He showed some of the worst parts of humanity, and placed them next to a some of our greatest victories.  And he didn't say: "YOU suck, YOU did this.." he said, "I, I need to do this."
Which, as anyone knows who is on their way to self acualtization, is the best way to make a change.


And with age, comes wisdom.
After I found and returned to my birth family I was very angry at my adoptive family for taking me from what I felt was my birthright. I was jealous that I had missed out on so much of my culture that i would have grown up with. I felt I had been cheated in the worst way.  But, now as I'm older, I see the advantages in having to walk in both worlds.  I would not be able to have the input, the knowledge, the viewpoints of both sides, had I not be able to have feet in both.  The white world gave me my love of books and the English language, which gave me a solid foundation that I now use to  focus on and incorporate my native language.  For every bullet point of my white upbringing, that I used to view as a negative, I now see as a positive.

If I had not grown up in the world I did, would I have such a strong grasp or obsessive love for reading and writing? I don't know. Would I have been able to be as strong of a critical thinker as I am? I don't know.
This is what I do know. I have the basis of a strong foundation that was provided by the white world, gifts that I was able to wrap up in the fibers of my being which now allow me to traverse and understand both the white world and the Lakota world much clearer. My experiences growing up, as hellish as they were, helped develop (I think) me into the incredible empath that I am; because I know how it feels to be treated horribly, and I would never want to intentionally do that to another person.  That very same feeling/reaction is why I will never be able to turn my back on someone who needs help, in whatever form. One of, the lessons I learned from growing up in an abusive cruel home was that everyone is human. Everyone.  And some times, people are really shitty humans; but that is more about them, than anything.

There is more to add.. but I have to run.
My point in all of this, is that our humanity is excellent at singing and dancing and whatever when someone needs help... but you juxtapose that against how horribly some people treated michal jackson, and there is the flipside of humanity.  The ugliness that comes out when someone doens't fit in the box that someone somewhere decided was one size fits all.   I wish i could have know M.J... because I saw the good in him, I saw his ultimate goal, and that was to love others as much as he could and bring as many people happiness as possible, and give a few children something to smile about.

I'll come back to this.. it's a work in progress, obviously.  As my dear friend KS says, "We all are."

wacipi reflection....

Mi cunksi,
Unci sent me this photo, along with others, of our weekend at the wacipi.  This one is the one  that has the strongest impact.

  This is when the Akicita's were shooting their guns and you got scared; it was buya in that arena! So, you grabbed my neck, snuggled me close and told me to cover your ears. I felt so protective when you were scared. I wanted to block out all the noise, so you would no longer be scared.  The Ina bear in me wanted to tell them to stop shooting so much, and I wanted to meld myself around you.
This is such a picture of what our jobs as Ina's are. To protect fiercely, unquestioning, just do it, and hold on as long and as tight as need be.
I'm feeling that especially right now as our lives resemble a chaotic raceway, and nothing ever seems the same, and nothing seems to be staying in its place these days. It's wrecking havoc on me, and I can see it starting to get at you a bit.  I need to be the strong Winyan Lakota, and be your embracer, your support, your kleenex, your balm, your soft place to land. I have not done such a good job  these last few weeks, and for that i'm sorry. Many times, I've broken down in tears right along with you.  You are evolved enough to tell me to stop crying. thank you for that. 

  Back to the wacipi...It wasn't long after grand entry that you went on to dance around the arena, and do a fabulous job. You let go of my hand and danced on your own, but we were surrounded by shawl dancers and jingle dress, so you got jostled away from me. You looked around a bit startled, but you called for me, and we re connected.  That is such a metaphor for your take on life. You are more than willing to meet it head on, but you need to check back in every now and again, to make sure I'm still there, in case you need something.

I am. I will be. Always.

I see this picture as the state I'm in as well.  I look tired, aged, pale. I am out of balance, and desperately need to get it back. So, this will be good for me to look upon to remind me of where I need to be. For you, for myself, for our future.

Tewahila! I'm so glad you are my turtle. Thanks for blessing me/us.

You are the bomb!!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Tewahila Cunksi

Han Cunksi,
  what a great day.  You are such an amazing cikala wakaneja. We went to Unci and Lala's so Ate' could go to the Inipi, then you and I went to the wacipi, and boy did we have fun!  They were about two hours late with grand entry, but you just hung out, looked around and were just as content as could be.  You looked so cute in your little regalia!  When we were walking around the arena, I realized how often I watch you, and how often I am smiling. You fill me with such joy, love  and pride.  Then after grand entry, you were wacin na niwha. So, we headed back to Unci's and you got play with her while At'e and I took care of some business we needed to.
  You are so great about just being cool with whatever as long as we are all together. 
 We went back to the Wacipi this evening and your Unci bought you all kinds of goodies!
Eee you wanted to dance, but you were tired, so we didn't stay long. We dropped Unci off at her tipi and then we headed home. We got to the crest of our hill, and boom, you were OUT!! Ate and I talked on the drive up the lane about how incredible you are and how blessed we are to be your parents.
I just wanted to thank you, again, for enriching our lives, for blessing us and for making the world a better place with your presence.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Crappy Ina Day

I'm feeling all ittery and jittery, and I guess it's time for a verbal spew.

Love of my life,
 I snuggled up to you tonight, and my love for you is so overwhelming. I want perfection for you.
Read that again, clearly. Perfection FOR you, not OF you, or FROM you. 
You are perfect, just as you are.
But me, so far from it.  And yet, I feel, I should be. For you, because you are so mind blowingly amazing, and you just get more so everyday.

Ina had a rotten day today.  Our lives are about to be thrown up in the air, and I have to hang on for the landing.. believing that we will all float back down to where we are supposed to be.  Normally, I don't think this would be too hard; but being sick, is sure making things a lot harder.  Auntie Kate said it perfectly, i can't seem to get out of the fight or flight mindset.
The postives of our new chapter are so incredible and amazing, it's what we wanted. But i worry too, about you, you are very attached to your home. Your sunka most of all, that is what makes me almost burst into tears. We will have to find a foster home for her while we are living this new adventure and I worry that it will break your heart. It tears at mine, we both love her so.  I never want you to have any hurt, pain, dissapointment.
Tonight, the stress of our situation got the better of me, and I curled into a metaphorical ball, you needed something, and I grumbled around about it. What a jerk I was. I am sorry. I need to get over myself and start realizing you're the baby in the situation.  Please forgive me. Again, I"m human. As I've said before, sometimes,  I'm a messy, jerky, selfish, human. But one that loves you more than stars in the sky, more than ten thousand tatanka's on a a ridge. Please don't ever forget that.
  I need to shake the crap out of my head and start seeing things clearer.

This is going to be great. We will all be together.. that is the most important of all.