Friday, January 29, 2010

My Truth

Were do I begin? So many beginnings. I will start right here, right now.

Today I cried, cried my eyes out, shook with crying, laughed with crying. Because today, I found out what is wrong with me and just that easily everything fell into place.
I have adrenal fatigue.

If you have it, you know what it does to you. If you don't, picture your worst self and yet no answers to why you are being your worst self. Imagine a life that feels like you're depressed, but not really, a life where you can barely get up in the morning, and if you didn't have to because you are a  mom, you wouldn't. Imagine a life where you spend all day exhausted and then at night, when you want to sleep, you can't. If you put your head down, or lay down then sit up, you are dizzy. If you do something as simple as bending over, that makes you dizzy.
Imagine a life where you come wide awake at night and stay up until 2 a/m because your brain won't shut off.
Imgaine being an athletic person who is fit, healthy and strong all your life and now you are weak, fat and so off kilter you can barely do a push up. 

Imagine, gaining up to about 30 pounds (or more) for the first time in your life. Imagine craving foods that you have never "craved" in your life, and then becoming almost addicted to them.
Imagine being a extremely sensual, sexual person, only for it to dissapear. Completely. 

That has been my life. And I had no idea why, or what was wrong with me. Or when, or even if I was going to get better.

I am a textbook case, matching every symptom.
I'll quickly buzz through the cause reason for getting it.
It's a result of on going trauma and/or stress for long periods of time, your adreanal glands control your flight or fight response.  If you are too traumatized or stressed out for long periods of time,then your body just assumes everything is trauma and keeps you in that flight or fight mode. (What I call survivor mode)

OHHHHH. I see it all so plainly now.  Since 2003, I have either been traumatized or stressed out more often than not.
My aunt died in 2004, which is what kicked it off. She was my cornerstone, my grounder, my "mother".  She fought a hard fight but died a horrible death from cancer and my world was turned upside down, as expected as it was.(Trauma)  Then the following year, I lost two babies. (Trauma/stress) Then I got pregnant again, and had no problems with my pregnancy or my birth, but when she was two days old a nurse came into my room and told me my baby was going to starve to death, and that was why she was crying so much. Yes, this is what she said to a new mother. (Trauma/stress) So, that put me in panic mode and every time my baby cried, I associated it with the nurse's words. That coupled with the everyday stress of being a new mother, a new mother who finally had her "miracle" baby and was afraid of screwing up or making some HUGE life altering mistake. (STRESS)  Then trying to be the best mother I could be when I had no good, healthy, example to follow. (Stress). Then dealing with my daughter's tummy issues, (STRESS)
Then feeling like I was under a microscope because even though my "family" (meaning my adoptive mother and my sister) was a horrible, abusive family, I still wanted them to share in the joy of my daughter.  And all  they did was criticize me and be mean, to not only me, but my daughter. (stress)  Then harrangue me for the way I was raising my daughter and just generally be cruel and mean to me. (STRESS, STRESS, STRESS)
And the list goes on.
But as time has been going on, I've been feeling worse and worse with no explanation. I'd gone to my doctor a year ago with no real result and diagnosis. I was told to, get out more and stop breastfeeding. (Really? Are you serious? You ARE a doctor right?) But I've known something was wrong.  People, are STILL too quick to think that mother's are attle brained; so many cases have shown where something is wrong, and the mothers know it, even if medical people can't identify it until it has reached the crises stage. 

So, here I am. Completely understanding why I have been the way I have been. I am glad that what ails me can be fixed. As I heard the symptoms and they matched me exactly, I burst into tears. I was so relieved.
They are going to run some blood tests,but things should be getting better within 3 months to a year.  (it all depends on how severe it is, which is what the blood test will show.

So up until today, I had just been hiding away, thinking I was crazy, or that I was effed up somehow to finally have this miracle baby and yet be feeling tired, drained and not so much myself.   But i was too afraid to say that outloud, for fear that something might be seen as me being ungrateful (which I am NOT) or that I really was losing my mind.

Oh thank God I'm NOT crazy.

This is not a very complete post, but I need to get to sleep. I just wanted to share my "good" news. More on this later.

No comments: