Friday, December 24, 2010

HAPPY SOLSTICE, Merry Christmas, and YOU rock!!!

My Turtle love,
 we are back in our Tipi!! We have spent the last four days in Rapid, three of them by choice, the last one was due to weather! :)  My gawd, what fun we had! Holiday shopping, hanging out, celebrating solstice, enjoying being together!!!
First, (literally) we went to the solstice spiral among some of our dearest friends!!! ohh how beautiful, and fun, and just RIGHT on. Then we went back to Auntie Karen (B) house and you had a blast running about with the children as Ina and At'e had a blast talking with our friends whom we love dearly.  Eventually, we headed back to the hotel, where we all just crashed!
  Then the next few days, we just did whatever we felt like doing. We were going to come home yesterday, but there was an ice storm overnight and we couldn't get home..{now if we'd already moved to MT...we'd have had no problem :) } So, we just all hung out again. :) We let you have some of your presents because you were getting quite tired of being cooped up. I cant' blame you!
  Today, we left rapid....headed for home...Ina had to let Ate' drive since i was totally freaked by the roads, you my little darling, were lila kuja... we were very worried.  Finally when we hit Wall, you couldnt take it anymore, and were really miserable.  I unstrapped you, took you to the back, laid you down and massaged you and then sang you songs.  Before we knew it, we were at Kadoka.. you were not ready to get back in your seat... and you were better, but not well yet.  I had to go in the station and Olega.... when I came back, you were better! You cesli'd and were completely better! I went back to check on you, you looked up at me, and said, you face bright: "Ina, you healed me!"  It was so sweet, I about cried! (good tears) From that moment on, you were 100%  fine! I was relieved! I was also so grateful that I was able to heal you.  That is what Ina's are for. I'm so honored that we have the connection that enables me to heal you.  I have a big wonderful job being your Ina, but it's in moments like that, when I know I'm doing it right.
I've always known I was a healer..but in that moment, i was able to heal the most important being of all.
I love you dearly. I'm so grateful for you. There is more to say, but I have run out of time. oxoxoxoxo

Friday, December 17, 2010

what's on my mind....

one of the great things that happened when we were in Rapid was I got to see my dear friends KB and JB...and in the smallish amount of time, they managed to unknowingly soothe the chapped parts of my soul that have been exposed to quagmire that is this town.
When thinking of this town the saying: "Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas" OR " Hang out with idiots, catch their disease" I feel is applicable.
Because I see myself growing hard, becoming a BAD parent since our arrival in this 1880's town.  and I HATE it. I hate doing what I hate, which is squaring myself off to fit SOME ONE ELSE'S idea of who/how/what I/we/she should be.  It enrages me.
But we began doing just that.

Except, we are NOT the crazies.

Being w/ and spending time w/ J and KB, seriously, it just calmed me. hearing their successes and their Uhoh's was helpful and healing for me.  Both of them, by their very nature are so soothing that, it just absolutely calmed my ass right down, AND put my head on straight.  We had such great conversations, and I got such good advice that wasn't all "here is some advice" type thing.  (They'd make great Lakota's)

I'm not making any sense on here, because the feelings that they left me with and the lessons I learned from them, I can't even put properly into words.  But i know this.
They were dear to us before, but now, they have just absolutely been snuggled deep into our hearts and the material of our lives henceforth.

K, J and children....we love you all and You all ROCK!!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Turtle time

On Tuesday, Turtle said she wanted to go to dinosaur park, we were actually in the car heading to  mission to go to a lakota studies gathering that I'd caught wind of; but she said: " I dont want to go to Sinte, I want to go to Dinosaur Park. So, I turned the car around, checked in w/ mihigna, went home, packed an overnight bag, and we headed out.
 I figured we could get in and out before the craziness that is LNI, but we ended up staying two more days. :)  Just her and me. I love being able to do whatever, becuase she wants to do it.  There are enough NO's in the world,why not give all the yes' I can?  
  It was so fun, so healing for us, and just such a great time!!!
 We shopped, hung out, went to the bookstore, all kinds of great stuff.  She is so much fun to be with, everywhere we went I saw people watching us, but that is all I saw, I don't care why, or what they thought, or anything, all that mattered was Turtle and her Ina were together, and she is my favorite person to hang out w/.  Now, taht being said, we did miss Mihigna.  But we still had lots of fun.

there is more to this, but right now we are home, and I want to go cuddle w/ my fam.
for now MBB

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Turtle song.

You sing this beautiful little song that you have sung since you were able to form words...
It' goes:
 I never was a baby before
I never was a baby before I was never a bay bee be-four!!

But then you change it:

 I never was a girl before
I never was a girl before
I never was a girl before.

We are aware that you were a boy the last time you visited earth. Because also from the time you could talk, you tell us stories about the things you did.  And you always say: when I was a little boy.  You've told us how when you were a boy, you rode on the octopus and fell off, (you rode w/ wonderfreak) and got hurt on your back.  So, I'm wondering if you broke your back and perhaps that is how you left that realm? I dont know that you left earth then, but you never talk about your life as an older boy... like never a teenager or a man.
You tell us about swinging when you were a boy, and climbing and tree forts and all these other adventures you had in your other life.  In fact, now, this time around, as a girl, you prefer to be with the boys, no matter how big they are.  You get along w/ both genders, but you prefer boys.

I love you, I think you are amazing. I love that you, your soul and spirit are in tact enough to remember yoru other life.  Keep it up, hold on to that. ALWAYS. It so natural, and soo important.
Dont ever let anyone gender specify you in your likes..i.e. clothes, colors, etc. You are so perfect JUST as you are. I'm so honored to be your Ina. Thanks for coming back to be with me/us.
You just continue to take life right on. I'm here to support you and love you and enjoy it with you.
You are the best. the love and light of my life.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Amazing things happening to me left and right!!

This is such an important site.....http://www.teach-through-love.com

Every parent needs to add it to their pre child research as well as add it to their day to day reading/reminding/living list.

In other AMAZING news... due to my last article at Life As A Human (http://lifeasahuman.com/2010/parenting/babies-mother-nature%E2%80%99s-alert-system/

I have been told by the Dunstan baby Institute, that I will be getting a scholarship so that I can get my certification! I'm so happy about this, I'm incredibly honored, and grateful, and blown away.

This is such an important amazing thing that I will now be able to help parents communicate with their babies easier, which will in turn help them build a life long bond and develop communication that will last their whole lives!!

Another great thing is.. that I have found an illustrator for my children's books!!! woo hoo!!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My latest Article.....

http://lifeasahuman.com/2010/parenting/babies-mother-nature%E2%80%99s-alert-system/

Love it!! Mamma's go read it, you'll love it too!!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

You are so cool, I need to take a picture

You are just so awesome.

You like to wear two different shoes right now, both shiny, fancy shoes.  You wear your ruby red pediped shoe on your right foot and your shiny black pediped shoe on your left foot.
I love it when you do this! I said this to you today, as we danced into the store.
"Don't listen to anyone if they say 'You're wearing the wrong shoes'; tell them: "It may be wrong for you, but its just right for me.'
You chose to wear your shoes like that, my sweet little artist child! Keep it up, please! Please always do whatever your heart tells you to, and dress however you want and be TRUE to YOU!!
I love you and I'm so proud of you!!!!

And I'm going to say now, the rest of what I didn't want to say to you today, because you are so sweet,and you love everyone. And I want you to stay that way.
But for me...
 I will rip anyone's head off if they shame you out or make you feel bad for your individual choices.  What they don't understand, is you are intact, and the mere fact that they feel the need to criticize just shows how much of a sheep they have become, how scared they are to be who they really want to be.

So, my precious Turtle, be true, live your true life, and I'll be right next to you...holding your hand and lauding your awesomeness!!! lililililililililili!!!!!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

today

today i woke up underslept and over tired, my back hurt and I was not fully in Ina mode.
You had all of us get dressed to go down to deliver cookies for the bake sale, the bake sale i never found, which I would later discover was not until next week.
we went to breafast, you played, we ate. we were all together.
then we came home and did some work in between playing with you and reading books.
I needed to go to bed, my back hurt so bad. then you threw such a fit i dind't know what to do, let you throw it and realize that I simply cannot be at your beck and call 24/7, it's too waring on me and makes for a crabby, guilty Ina.
I got up, we talked, we played and read, then I went and did Ina things. Made a dinner that turned out badly, Ate' left to go hunting, we painted, then we painted ourselves and the cat. it was fun, lots of fun.
then we read, and danced. and eventually, you fell asleep in my arms.

how are you doing? Are you okay? Is something bothering you? Something you need that you are not getting?

I love you  very much, I am very tired.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Turtle patch

I have completely changed what we eat here at the Turtle patch, we got away from junk, processed food, and now eat all fresh food. Some people call it raw food, but that conjurs up the wrong picture for most people, at least in this cow town, so I've started saying we eat living foods.  (I was asked by another parent if we eat our meat raw.  Now come on, does it REALLY take THAT much brain power to figure out the logic in that question, or even that situation?)

    Anyway, I do allow what we call junk Food Fridays,where we can all eat whatever we want. Turtle is still liking the junk food, and so does Mihigna a bit, so they like these days. I am getting better about not wanting the fries and hamburger that I used to eat on these days. I think it has to do with the fact that for two weeks straight, we didn't have junk food Friday, one week it was due to travel and last week, we were all worn down, I made healthy food. However, I am allowing it this week. And my junk food of choice was getting chocolate candy corn, they call it Indian corn, with those little pumpkins in it.  Last year I LOVED that stuff.  But who knows, I may not even like it now.  I noticed I ate some processed food yesterday, (some chips) and I got sooo sick. I was kind of amazed. My body just didn't like it at all!! blech! and getting that sick made me not want to eat anything like that again.
  I do think it is a real testament to how if you are eating live food, you really can tell that processed food is not living.. because it literally has no taste.  It tastes flat, and dead to me. Icky.
 The way we are eating is not the same as vegetarianism.. because that  way of eating still cuts out a lot of food options that are healthy.  We still eat butter and cream cheese and drink milk, (LOTS of it!)  But the majority of what we eat is organic.  Every bit of dairy that goes into us, is ORGANIC.. because of all the growth hormones, I do NOT allow anything but organic to go into Turtle. If you do the research you'll understand why.
   I have lots more to say, but no time now.

more later

Friday, October 15, 2010

Turtle and Ina to do list

Seeing as she's the daughter of two artists, Turtle has certainly inherited the art gene. I have her art hanging all over the walls of our house and she did her first painting when she was four months old.
Anyway, everyday is filled with ideas we come up wiht for art projects to do.
we have so many i need to make a list.

sculpture of dinosaours,
 sculpture of hearts
more pop up books
write out our other books. (she co writes them with me.)
butterfly reminders...(ala artistic creations w/ trudy)

there are more, but that is what i have for now..and a turtle needs to eat.

toksa.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I am in Rapid City, my beloved rapid city, my fam is sleeping peacefully on the end of what has been the most amazing time we have been able to spend in quite some time.
  i have so much to say about it, and yet i don't have the words. I'm tired, and I want to go to bed, but I promise I will come back here and post about the amazing weekend we had, the kindreds we met and the wonderful new friends we walked away with.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Turtle Letter

My little turtle,
 You are three. I can't even believe it! You are so amazing. You blow me away everyday! I have so much to say, and yet, it's all on dichotomies of what has been going on in our lives.

I watch you and I see how well adjusted you are and I cant help but be proud. I am doing my job well, despite the fact that I have no guide, no GOOD guide, I only have the DO NOT REPEAT guide, based on how I was raised.  And yet, I look back at your year from 2 to 3, and I feel sorrow that i screwed up so badly. I was NOT myself at all, so messed up, so selfish.  I lost who I was for a while there and parented TO you, and not WITH you. It breaks my heart really, becuase as I dreamt of you, imagined you pre birth, I wanted everythign to be perfect for you. People snort when they hear me say this, but I believe, if for no one other than myself, I should be as close to perfect FOR you.

   It is hard though, because other than your Ate' I have no one who really GETS it. No one close, geographically, anyway. I have a great online support system, but some days Ina needs a person to come here, or I go there, and just hang out and talk about it with another parent who gets it. Another parent who cherishes their child as much as we cherish you.
  And we so cherish you. You are so perfect and smart and intuitive.  I hope that our talks have helped. All this stress we, (your Ate' and I) have been under made us temporarily stupid and as a result we did very stupid,(I know I say I don't like that word, but it really is applicable here.) very un- us things. Like barking orders at you when we were grumpy, or yelling at each other when really we should have been falling into each other arms.
I could spend all night worrying about the bad choices and decsions we've made this last year.. but I try to look at the big picture. You are happy and well adjusted and so ready to take on the world. You love the world around you, you love the people in it, and that makes me really happy and proud, because it's the combination of you and of the secure healthy life we have provided for you.

    I tend to over worry about you and your mental/emotional wellbeing...and that is becuase as a child no one was looking out for mine, so even though I was showing signs that I needed things, I never got them and as a result, I spent much of my life feeling like I was always wrong, always bad, always unimportant.  And I NEVER want that for you.  You are so amazing, and perfect, I want you to ALWAYS  know without a doubt how much we love you, how you are the center of our lives, how fulfilling you are, and how perfectly perfect you are, as YOU.
     I'm grateful you are such a good communicator, because you can call me on my crap when I need to be called on it, so keep it up!!! It snaps me out of my own head and places me firmly back in your reality.  I want you to always communicate with me/us. always tell us when we are not being nice or we have hurt your feelings. And continue to tell me when I'm being overbearing, I need that reality check too!

    I know I've said this a hundred times, but I'm going to say it again.  You are the most sacred, most important, most beautiful gift in my/our life/lives, and I will wake up every morning trying to be the best Ina I can be. However, I will probably drop the ball now and again, (as I have a few times thus far) But know in your heart, in your head, and with every ounce of your being that I/we love you more than the stars in the sky.
  
    We celebrate Keyapalooza because you ARE that sacred, you ARE that important, you ARE that special. Every one should have a "your-name-here- palooza." Becuase everyone born on this earth is that sacred.  I am so grateful to you for coming to us, for being our teachers, for loving us in all our flawed and silly ways. You are OUR greatest teacher, and together, we, as a family will continue down this road of life.

    Now, on this eve, you sleep peacefully as I write this.  Tomorrow, you start preschool.  That was a huge decision for me, until I realized it was not mine to make, it was yours. So, we'll take this step, we'll see how things go, I will follow your lead.  I know you'll be smashing. It's the others I worry about. We have preserved your perfectness so well in our little home, I dont' want anyone coming from the outside world and nicking at that.   I try to remind myself that you will be okay, you are an amazing life force.  Just try not to EVER let anyone else determine your self worth for you. Determine WHO you are, determine what is right for YOU.  You are Turtle, Lakota wincincala extrodianaire, warrior cik'ala, buddah baby, all knowing, all seeing wakaneja.

   I also want you to know, that if you are ever NOT okay, you tell me/us.  WE do NOT EVER expect you to be perfect or strong or tolerant when you can't be. If you have any problems EVER, you come tell me. I will do what I can to help you. I am your Ina, I am your warrior mamma, and I will ALWAYS be in your corner. NO ONE was made to suffer alone, carry a burden by themselves or fight a fight without help.  That's what Tunkasila gave us Ina's, Ate's and Tiwahe's for.

  I love you.

There is so much more to say, but I need to take a break. I love you Turtle, I can't even say that enough.
You are my heart.
xoxoxoxoxoxo, tewahila, INA

PS: as we do every night, I just want to repeat some lines from our favorite book:, because it's soo true.

"So whenever you doubt just how special you are,  and you wonder how loves you, how much and how far,
  listen for geese, honking high in the sky. (They're singing a song, to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo. (It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind. (Listen closely, it's whispering your name again!)


........Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn,
   on the wonderful, marvelous, night you were born.

 From: "On the Night You Were Born" by Nancy Tillman

(I love you Turtle.)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

It's backfiring on me....

My dearest Turtle,
I've always been proud of the fact that you are just like me Turtle, with your fire-y passion for all things. Your independent spirit, your strong sense of self.

But Now, I've run into an issue that has me screeching my wheels to a complete halt and makes me become parental in a way I HATE.

 Your prissy food tastes. Again, you get it from me. But now that I"M the Ina, I watch you worriedly as you pass up healthy food for less than appropriate fare.  I get it, I get the way the un healthy food is yummy and addicting, and you want it all the time; but you can't have it all the time.  And screaming and yelling about it, is not going to help.
I want you to be friends with vegetables and fruit, not acquaintances.
These food preferences make me CRAZY, and I find myself saying and doing things that all the books and experts have said "NO, you can't do that, it will cause anorexia or obesity" 
I dont want you to be fat, or too thin,   I JUST WANT YOU TO EAT WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

Okay, I'm going to stop ranting now, and try to go breath and let it go, and let you do what you need to do, so I don't cause you to have food issues.


i love you more than anything in the world......... please eat real food!!!!!

Love, Ina

Monday, August 9, 2010

Questions

I subscribe to Artistic creations with Trudy,(http://artisticcreationswithtrudy.blogspot.com) a sort of mom art coop.
These are the questions posted for this week:

Do you watch any soap operas? NO. Never, they drive me crazy.

What appliance is used most in your house? My food processor

Do you wear makeup everyday? NO.

what is your worst pet peeve? Parents who have children but act, and treat their children as if they don't like them.

what is your favorite lunch meat? I really don't eat lunch meat, since it's soo bad, but when I do eat it, it is salami and (get your ick's ready) liver cheese.

Friday, July 23, 2010

My new post!!

My new post is up at Life as A Human!!
 I LOVE Life As A Human!!!! love, love love!!!
So GO, read it, and laugh!!!!

www.lifeasahuman.com/2010/humor/the-boobie-prize

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Turtle words...

Turtle:
"Ina, why are you wearing that snowman scarf?"

Me: "because it's pretty"

Turtle: "You can't wear that scarf."
Me: "Why not?"
Turtle: "Because you're a mommy."

Thursday, July 8, 2010

my dearest turtle.

Another amazing day filled with you.
You sleep now, deeply, smiling occasionally.  We didn't have much time to talk, you were so tired.
 I love you so. Do you KNOW how much I love you?
I hope.
I worry on some days that I have ruined parts of  it for you, with my crabby moments, my sometimes too short temper.  I hope not.
You are so perfect, so perfectly you. I see you blazing through life, happy, whole, safe, secure.

These summer days are perfect, the sun comes up and we play all day. Laughing, singing, dancing, reading, exploring.

Today was awesome.  We went to the beach, played in the sand, played in the water. You swam around, all sure of yourself.  Then, when we went to leave, I got the van stuck in the sand, good and stuck. You fell asleep. I was glad. You were not worried. I got us out of the jam with some help and we were on our way.

   This evening, after dinner, you played and swam around in your pool while your Ate' and I watched you, played with you, swam with you.  Then we had another water fight and in the middle of it you said, "I love this water fight guys!" You are so amazing! I love you so incredibly much! I want to give you the world.
   
    Then we got back in the pool and you poured water on my head, on your own head and then on Sunka gleska's head. It was a lot of fun! Sunka just stood there and let you do it, she loves you so!
tonight, we were supposed to go pick peji Hota, but instead we went to town to buy more water guns.
  There is always tomorrow. today, we had quality time together. I love spending time with you. You are my heart, you bring me joy. I love you more than ten thousand tyrannosauruses on ten thousand mountain tops.

You are going to be three soon. I don't want to hold you back, but yet I do want to hold onto your babyhood. You are so amazing You are already so advanced. i know you are ready to face whatever the year three will bring. But I look at your pics from a year ago, you were so small, so compact, now you are so tall. Smarter, with even more words and vocabulary. You have always been smart with a large vocabulary.  when i say I'm not ready or I dont' want you to be three, don't listen to me. You are ready, you will do fabulously. You do everything fabulously.
And I look forward to the new things you will learn, the new things you will discover, all the great things that are yet to come!
My sweet little turtle, thanks for being ours! WE love you so!!! xoxoxox Ina na Ate'

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

what I've been up to...

It has been a good summer thus far. Though, I was out for about a week with a severely sprained ankle, I am, however on the mend. Not 100 % but much better than I was.

This weekend, has been fabulous and write worthy. I'm fond of the fourth weekend, not because I believe in celebrating a questionable wasicu holiday, but because it means that Mihigna is home for a three long days!
  And on this holiday, we went camping, to the beach, hung out at home and spent some quality family time together. It was time that included a water gun fight, water balloon wars and general water mayhem that left us all soaking wet and me laughing so hard I got a cramp in my sternum! 

  Cunksi had her first camping, official, camping trip. She LOVED it!!! I started off crabby because of the difficulty in finding a place due to, the holiday weekend and all the damn RVs.  I am not an RV fan, I'm really not. and I feel like this particular place we go to should have the tent sites and the RV sites separate.

But we finally found  nice little place between two RVs and squeezed in with our tent. It was bonus because it was in a cove, so just over the hill was our own little beach!
I LOVE tent camping, and probably always will. Give me a sturdy tent and a floor mat, or air mattress, and I"m good to go.

Well, that would be this grownups downside to the camping experience.  I was in such a hurry to get there, that I threw the mere basics in and nothing else. So, we had blankets, and food, but no plates, not adequate water for each of us, no silverware, no warm clothes for mihigna nor I. Cunksi, on the other hand, had enough clothing provisions to go to the Arctic circle and not be cold; well okay, maybe not the Arctic circle. So, her warmth was the most important. And believe me, she was warm and happy as a bear cub!!

A storm blew in, which was fun to watch all the lightweight campers run in fear to their RVs, lest they get hit with a raindrop!  We sat in the van, only because we had just returned from the store when the storm hit, cunksi watched part of  a movie, it blew over in 30 minutes and we were back out at the fire, making smores and having fun!
Well, while the Storm blew over, the rain stayed behind and soaked me, so I went to bed wet. and I couldnt' sleep. So while Cunksi and mihigna snored away beside me, I lay there, waiting for dawn and wanting to go home. Dawn came, cunksi woke up, thrilled to have camped out, we packed up and went to town for pancakes and coffee. Ahhh.
Next time, I will be better prepared.

 Now usually on the fourth of July weekend, we are out at the wacipi grounds, dancing away. But not this year. With my bad ankle, I decided to stay home. We were, however, going to go to the fireworks. But I had gone inside to rest for a bit and turtle and I started watching Fur: the imaginary portrait of Dian Arbus. (I LOOOOOVVVVEEE Dian Arbus' work!! ) So we were caught up in that and before we knew it, it was time for fireworks!
Because we live up here on the hill, we get a 360 * view of everyone's fireworks! So we  watched a bit of the towns fireworks and I wanted to shoot the casino's fireworks show, so we decided to hop in the car so I could get a closer view. Well, five seconds into it, cunksi was asleep!  We missed the show, but had a nice drive and a good talk.

Now, as Tuesday morning dawns, sunny and humid but gorgeous, and Mihigna ki heads back to work, I'm a bit clearer on some things. One: I need to chill the hell out. I get too wrapped up in stupid stuff that only stresses people around me out. Two: I need to get back to working out regularly again or doing Yoga. I'm incredibly out of shape and that leads to my crabbiness. Three: I need to get back to eating as much raw food as possible. My body is so sensitive to junk and sugar etc, when I eat that, it's the gateway to mood hell for me and it starts a unhealthy cycle that is self perpetuating. Four: I need to chilax and get back to my gut self.

These last two years, I have not been as in tune with my gut as I should have been, I've been looking to others to validate what I needed as a parent, because of my fears of screwing up.  No one has the right answers for ME, for US, for HER; except the three of us, all together. I need to remember, if it feels right in my gut, it will be okay.

One thing that has been crystal clear these last two years is: what's normal to everyone else, is far from OUR Normal. and Just because people do it, or accept it, doesn't make it right for US. But what I have had to learn is, that is okay for THEM. I have to let it go, I can't sit and worry about the other little souls, and wonder if they are okay. I have to just know that everyone, chooses their own metaphysical path, and so all is as it should be, no matter who you are.

That, is the hardest for me. Because when I look at people, especially children, I SEE them. I look at their eyes, I look at the whole of them, to see, are they being taken care of, completely. Are their needs being met, not just their physical needs.  And it's hard, it's really hard, because i can see it, in so many of  their eyes, can feel it radiating off of them.

And I look forward to our move, I look forward to being in a community that truly is like minded in all ways, not just a few. I look forward to her being able to socialize with other children who have been raised the way she has, I am thrilled for her to go to those schools, where she will be learning as a whole being, not just a butt in a chair, who is a number on a statistics sheet.

I'm excited for our future. Again. Life is nothing if not ever changing. And while these times have been challenging, I have learned more about myself, cunksi, mihigna ki, than I ever would have if we'd have just stayed where we were, cozy and safe.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Life lessons

I find myself really aggitated with many around me of late.
It is because people seem to be acting out on others and saying things with no seeming awareness.
I would probably be upset about these things even if I was not an Ina, but now that I am an Ina, YOUR Ina, it really gets my blood boiling. Because now I think:
what if it was YOU who was standing near by when those words came out of someone's mouth? What if it was you who saw someone act cruel or inappropriate to another person?
How would it affect you? Would it alter your perception of the world, of wasicu's, of Lakota's?

My heart hurts that I cannot give you the perfect, safe, loving world outside these four walls. I wish to God everyone was as evolved, respectful, selfless, and conscious as we practice to be.
By my dear smallish Turtle, that is not the case. And as the days go by, some days I do feel it hard to find the happy place, the good ones, because so many here are so dark, so negative, so selfish, so ignorant and worse, some are so proudly racist.

This is why, now, more than ever it is so vital to live our virtues, walk our talk, surround ourselves with our ways, only in Tunkasila can we make it through the hard days, the days when you want to just sit down and cry because someone is so cruel, so unaware of how cruel, and ignorant they are, and not because it affects me so much, but because I can't help but feel how it affects others around them.
I have lots of things I want you to learn, but people's actions, words, of late bring it slammingly home:
 "Somebody, somewhere feels the affects of another's actions."

If we could all just remember this, I think people, big and small, would start living a bit more consciously and start treading a bit lighter on people's feelings, their hearts, their rights, and the world.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the love of my life...

So, my precious turtle love...
today, we did all kinds of fun stuff, we read books and danced to music, we played in the tipi, we ate spagehetti for lunch, and dinner. but probably my favorite part, one of them, was roasting marshmellows. You wanted to roast marshmellows, but the wind was too high for the fire, so we cut a green stick and then cooked them over the stove in teh kitchen. Man, they were yummy!!


And spending time with you, was the best part of all, as always.
You light up my life, you make my heart sing, you bring a smile to my face and you fill me to overflowing with joy.

Thanks for being my baby, it is such a joy to be your Ina! I love you so! xoxoxoxoxo

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

update

Life has been crazy and wonderful.
But right now, I'm going to write about today.

Turtle and I built a tipi taht we played in, and ate in, and (she) tried to sleep in. The cat played in it, climbed the walls of it, the dog came in and plopped down in it, while smooshing us up against the permiter of it.

We walked down a long deserted dirt road, without my camera. It was a gorgeous day and I was living in teh moment rather than capturing them.
thsi evening, Turtle, Mihigna Ki and I went to dinner with his parents whom i love dearly. Turtle was amazingly wonderful, perfcetly mannered, and such a joy. (as always) we came home so mihigna ki could change and then went to the park where we hiked in the woods and saw deer. She was sandwiched between us, we talked and dreamed of our future. I watched her in all her gorgeous beauty and wonder and got so full up of emotion I got tears in my eyes. I know I say it alot, but its so true, she is so amazing and we are so blessed.
she's just this complete little person. As we drove home I kept glancing at her in the mirror, as she watched and danced to the penut butter jelly song that her ate' played for her on his phone; she looked up at me, her expression saying, At'e knows I love this song. then he played her favorite video for who let the dogs out, and i watched her, as a strand of long hair hung in her face, I saw her features, a perfect mix of him and i.
 she is perfection personified.
my heart grows each day with more love for her, for him, for our little, complete family.
When I'm with them, all is right in the world.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My new post!

My new article is up at Life As A Human! /www.lifeasahuman.com/2010/inspirational/mitakuye-oyasin-we-are-all-related/

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Raw emotion

This weekend was pretty rough for me.
 On friday night, we had a storm that knocked out our electricity, so after Turtle crawled off to bed, Mihigna ki an I watched Imprint.( finally!!!!! )  When my dad came on, in all his glory, I had a wierd gut reaction. He spoke mostly Lakota through the whole movie, and seeing him really got me in an odd place.
I didn't really give it much thought. Okay, I totally boxed it up and shoved it in the closet.
anyway, the movie ended, the electric came back on, and we both went about our seperate things.
I started working at my computer, and I was suddenly overwhelemed with missing my mom (birth) and my aunt. It was so overwhelming, it took my breath away, and locked my throat up. (Even writing about it now, days later, my throat gets tight)
I started crying, really crying, deep, sad, sorrowful cries. Mihigna ki came out to see what was wrong. I felt kinds ridiculous. I told him I missed my mom, which also made me miss Auntie.
he didn't say much, he comforted me and we moved on.
The next morning, Turtle and I got up and we made pancakes and were chatting and I was at the kitchen sink, when again, this feeling washed over me, this huge wave of sadness just slammed me. I walked into the office and started crying again.  Turtle came and asked what was wrong, so I told her I missed my mom.

Mihigna ki took me into his arms again,and I said I thought that the movie is what brought this all up. Seeing my dad like that, knowing (here come the tears) we have this genetic bond but we are seperated by this huge chasm that he is in no hurry to heal, or lessen; kills me. (long story. too long for here) 
Mihigna ki told me I needed to call him.( my dad) I told him it wont do any good. I need something from him (dad) that I am never going to get. Which is the root of the problem. I am essentially, an orphan. I have no family, on my side, no family.  I told Mihigna ki I know I shouldn't even be bothered by it, because I have him and Turtle I have made this perfect little family that I should curl up into. But there is still that longing, that hole, that feeling of utter orphan-dom. 
And that is what hurts me to the core, what makes me so lonely I can feel it in my bones and what makes me so incredibly sorrowful I can't even cry enough tears.
I never did call my father, because it would be useless, like I said, what I need, I am not going to get.
Ever.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Wakatakiya!!

So much has happened to us of late. Where do I start?
First of all, if I have not updated it here, we are not selling the ranch.  Winter washed away the ookiness, (well, okay not JUST winter, a bit of Lakota medicine too) and things looked and felt better. We started getting animals, who actually stayed, (due to the healing of the place) my head got on straight again, my eyes got clear, and it stopped feeling like I was walking around completely dilusional and with fuzzy eyes.

   I knew that we still didn't have a community here, but felt we would deal with that if it became an issue for Turtle, since at this point, its not even a blip on her screen.  It was something I was willing to back off and let her handle as it played out for her.  She has been an inspiration to me in that sense, with her unconditional love for everyone, witkos or not; and I've tried to take a lesson from that.  It has also been good because I was able to step back and just let her be. I know her intimately and know that she is one smart, intuitive being, and she has that ability to filter and find the goodies from the badies, and doesnt hesitate to speak up when someone is giving her the creeps.
So, I just have been settling in. I did go to rapid to pick up a old friend who was coming for a visit, (eeeeyaaa. should I even talk about how THAT went?) and on the way back, I stopped in at the coop organic store. I had not visted there at all before, and what a gift!
   I walked in, and the moment my feet were inside the door, I was greeted by three of the workers, very warmly!  Turtle and I went on to shop and another lady was there, and she gave Turtle a ball to play with, and we got talking about softener and I told her I don't buy it, I make it out of vinegar and then add sage oil. Well she just loved that idea, and said she was going to go home and do laundry.  We went our way, and as you will in a store we ran into her again, (it was a small store).  Anyway, she commented on Turtle, and as always, I couldn't help but beam! She then told me she was a birth to three consultant and a previous montessorri teacher. So was I!! we talked about that, and education and etc.
I'm running out of time, and there is still so much to say. Anyway, the quick version is this, they all basically embraced me and all the challenges I'm facing in a community where I'm considered " the odd, crunchy, tree hugger."  and supported me and told me to call them if I needed anything.  It was the first time i'd felt supported rather than ostrized for what we believe.
oh, there is so much to this story, and I will ahve to come back and fill in the blanks.

Also, though, since I have been back, I have started to find kindreds right here in my own community, which feels wonderful beyond belief!
Okay, I have to buzz off, but I will be back to complete this story!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Mitakuyepi Tunkasila,
 Pilamiyaye pi le Anpetu Waste! Na mi cunksi, mihigna ki, Mitawa,Tuwin na Oyate!

I am truly blessed.

Monday, May 17, 2010

big happy sigh

I have sooo much to say.
 But not right now.

 Other than, my daughter is the BOMB, the ZEN BOMB, and I LOVE her with my EVERYTHING!!!
 ...um, in case you didn't already know that...
tee hee.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Free Range Turtle...and other things...

Our little animal farm is flourishing and our little billy the kid is fabulous and funny! I am thinking I may need to make some changes, since he believes he is my longer haired, four footed child.
My gorgeous birds are all doing well, and sweet as pie. I've my own little zoo here, and that wasn't really how it was supposed to be, they were supposed to be for sustaining us.

Let me catch you up. Way back a few weeks ago, we bought two cornish hen chicks to raise and eventually, butcher. Turtle named them Unci and Lala. I named them chick chicka bawk bawks. (Get it? chicka chicka boom boom. One of turtle's favorite movies) Anyway, so in the daily feeding and care of them, I, of course, feel in love with them. And now, when I come out my door, the come running up to me.. (or whatever mode chickens use.) As does Billy the kid, and the dog.

Anyway, so today, Billy the kid dissapeared after his morning bottle, I tried not to worry, and figured he'd come back for his noon bottle. He didn't and I got really worried.  The wind was blowing like 60 miles and hour and even if I yelled for him, he wouldn't be able to hear me. I was so worried, he is still so little, he will only be 3 weeks old on monday. LOng story short, the darlings came over and their goat whisperer found him, down at the end of the lane, in the tall grass. Whew.

Some of the darlings, as well as mihigna ki suggested that I think about undomesticating him. They say this, as he is snuggled in my arms with his head on my shoulder.

But I do think they may be right. He is going to get bigger, and even though we plan on castrating him, he does need to be a goat, and learn how to be one.

And our game hens don't exactly have a long life span.  I know that is what I got then for, and  so I need to see them for what they are. But I'm such a softie for smallish cute animals. And honestly, it's not like I'm all NOOOO dont' butcher them! I am fully aware of the circle of life. We are Lakota, and we live off deer, wild game and buffalo. I know where my food comes from very well.

Now I'm rambling and not making any sense. blah blah blah.
anyway.

Life is wonderful at Turtle Country!
My daughter is the bomb, she is soo smart, and beautiful and sooo sweet. How I love her!!  As I watch her head out the door at sunup and stay out till sundown, it's mostly me chasing after her to put weather appropriate clothing on, ("No dear, a diaper and cowboy boots are not warm enough!") I'm thrilled that she gets to live the life I longed for as a child. Free, surrounded by people who love her and animals and endless places to explore, grow and learn. I will have to post pics of billy the kid... and the chicka chicka's.

Monday, May 3, 2010

my new post

my new post is up at Life As A Human.. so go read it!! http://www.lifeasahuman.com/2010/pets/the-pig-whisperer

Thursday, April 29, 2010

A catch up

god it feels good to be able to write here again. This is just my comfortable place, and setting up that new blog totally BIT!!!
I know I've been quiet, but I don't have much to say publicly yet. So much is going on, I'm doing some learning/growing/merinating.

And of course, spending time with the most glorious smallish person I know. I just love to be with her. She's too sacred for words, even from me. I just am so blown away by her.
We've been hanging out with my cousins teh past few days because C has been home and so its been all of us girls together again.  We've all been through so much together and I'm so grateful for them because they are the family I never had but always wanted; and now I have them, in real life.  i was thinking the other day how we used to just hang out and smoke cigarettes and talk for hours; now we all have children, (well except for "ray ray" who will probably always be the baby to us no matter how old she gets in real life) and so now, we all hang out, drink coffee, talk and watch the kids play. it's really cool because our kids are all close in age. C has two kids, and now B will be having her second one.. and so I think it's time for me to have my second one! haa ha!!
It's been great for all of us, because we are all stay at home moms and we all get lonely, with our men gone all damn day long and so this week has been fabu, we've all made dinner together, and let me tell you, we mighty mighty winyans can COOK!! We were all joking about how  after C goes home, that we'll all go back to our lonely kitchens and our dinners will just be boring and flat!
They are all amazing women and I'm so grateful we are all so close and in each others lives. They are my sisters really and I love them dearly.
Its sad, because C goes back tomorrow, with her crew, and Ray Ray will go to, since she lives with her.  But it was a wonderful week, and they will be back next month.
I'm really glad too that Turtle got to spend this time with her aunts and her cousins. She had so much fun this week that she has come home and all but drug me to put her to bed!
So, my dear cuzie's, if you are reading this, it has been an amazing week and I love you all. thanks for being so effing wonderful!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What we've been up to......

Hello my love,
 I have not written here, because days have worn me out and I sleep deeply.  My days are filled with you, your incredibleness.

And I love every minute  of it.
We have been having so much fun with the return of the sun.
We've welcomed two new baby chicks into our lives, you've named them Unci and Lala
We've taken in an orphaned goat that you named Ate' and I named Billy the Kid.
We've put up the tent and camped in the backyard.
We've run about the ranch while the  chickens and baby goat (and dog) follow us.
We've flooded the lower pasture to make a  smallish pond. I think we will move ahead with making the big pond down there as we've discussed.
We've picked the new growing flowers in the yard, and put then in our hair.
We've hiked to the waterfall and back again
We've made plans to work on the fort..but not yet started it.
You took the world's shortest swimming class.... and totally ROCKED it!! (Because you're the BOMB!!)

These is just a smallish cliff notes of what  we've been up to, there is more, but I am off to play with you now.

Tewahila Lila Tanka!!! Thanks for being so amazing! xoxoxo, Ina

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Needs

I need to inhale, exhale
some art today....

laziness, and practical life be dammned.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

the other side...

I've been quiet on here for so long. 
I've been marinating.
I do have a lot to say, I just need quiet for me. Now.
I/we are in the middle of "what are we going to do next?" it's exciting, and scary.
I'm not sure why its scary though. it never has been. I have been using the excuse, well, I'm a mother now, i can't just uproot my daughter, (really myself) and scamper about freely.
But really, come on.
 why the hell not.
what better time to do it?

What, I want to stay in one place where I can be pushed on to send my daughter to mind/hear/soul jail? Um, don't think so.
What, I want to teach my/our daughter that if you are afraid of something it is better to just sit tight and live your life from scared point? UM, NO.
 Really we have been living an adventure and  life lesson. We own our own ranch, and all the things we asked for.
and we still weren't happy.
But, it gave us perspective and lessons.
what more could we ask for.

Now, the path is clearer.

It's up to us to take that step.
Do we want to be the brave people cunksi knows us to be....or the meek, play it safe people who live but are not alive?

where it went...

I wrote a big long post.. but then it posted it to the wrong blog.


Go read it at: wablukcan.blogspot.com

How very annoying.

Monday, April 19, 2010

I"m baaaack!

I am going to post this, evil person be dammed.

Oh how I've missed this blog.
if someone comes and messes with it again, we will just fix it again.

I don't give up easily.

Anyway,
 Turtle and I are very much enjoying our sunshine. I have come to realize we are both solar powered humans. If there are clouds, we are not so good, no energy, no motivation, a bit grumpy.


There is much to say, but for now I will save it, make sure this works...
then we'll celebrate.

be well, xoxoxoxo MBB

Thursday, March 4, 2010

RIGHT NOW

I have to write this down, so we always know.

Today, we were walking at the over look, and you were trying to whistle at the maga sapa. You told me you couldn't do it, and I didn't have the first clue of a good way of telling you HOW to do it. (It was another life lesson for me, I've never been in a place where I couldn't explain something in a way that would enable someone to do it. Feeling helpless where you are concerned, is very hard for ME.)
You were bothered that you couldn't do it. We walked on and I told you that while you couldn't do it right now, the time would come when you would eventually be able to do it. This was of small comfort I think.
 So I said to you:
"Turtle, while you can't whistle, RIGHT NOW, there are LOTS of other things you CAN do, that most two year olds can't."

You can run at full speed,
 Jump,
kick a ball,
kick a stone,
kick anything.
You can balance on one leg
 You can spin
You can twirl
You can climb pretty much anything.
You can pour liquid from one bottle (i.e the asampi pte carton) into something else (i.e a glass, or any of your teeny tiny turtle teacups)
You can open and close doors
You know your ABC's and can count to ten completely and twenty if you concentrate
You know at least 80 songs, fully, all the words and the tunes.
You know your primary colors
You can put on your own shoes. (You have been doing this since before you were even ONE.)
You can zip zippers
You can get yourself dressed
You have the vocabulary of a 4 year old (at least)
You know and can use correctly big words, and big concepts.
You brush your own teeth
you eat totally independantly, in fact, we've never actually FED you.. you've always just done it. You went right from Asanpi to real food, alwasy feeding yourself.
You can use grown up silverware
You can identify the word stop and danger, zoo and baa
You "read" to yourself, and your maskes, and sunka.
You hold your pens, pencils, crayons all "correctly". I put it in quotes, because some wasicu person said somewhere at some time, that it was the "proper" way to do so, and everyone followed suit.

There are so many other things you can do that I'm not getting on here.. but will when they come up.
And the greatest is that none of this was "taught" to you, you just learned it by living. You are so perceptive, and such a poster child for attachment parenting, sling use, extended breastfeeding, etc.
You know you are sacred, because you are treated that way.

I love you, I see so much of myself in you. I'm honored that you saw me and wanted me to be your Ina. I think I learn more from you than anything.
 I see that you have my temper, my need for wide open spaces, my fierce independence,my dogged determination to get something and the frustration that comes when you don't get it right, right away.

I'm so honored to see the deep connection that runs beyond the heart connection. Having not had a blood mother to grow up with, I was never able to see the genetic connection between myself and the woman who called herself my mother
You are one more spindle in the web, of our blood family.
You are a part of me, a part of us, and yet, you are so wonderfully your own person.
I love that you are so intact and whole. I will do everything I can  to keep it that way.

I love you!!
And know that jsut because you don't get something right away doesn't mean it won't ever come. Sometimes, things are just timed beyond our control and finesse.. and when the time is right, it will happen.

And maybe I'm wrong, maybe other two year olds do these things.. but either way I don't care, because you are MINE, and I love you for YOU and who you are RIGHT NOW.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

My first post!

I am writing for Life As a Human, (www.lifeasahuman.com) and my first post is up, so please go read it! thanks!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Cici's.

Life is turning around. I am much less crabby and mad these days. YEY!!
  Today, we blessed the house. First, cunksi and I, then when he got home, Mihigna did it.
 It had been on my list of things to do.. we were going to call tankasi and Uncici, but have not quite gotten around to it.  Then this a.m over breakfast, cunksi told me it was a man who was scaring her and wouldn't leave her alone in her room. A "cici" (ghost) so I told her we'd get rid of it, and we got right up and got the pejihota and we marched right in there and got rid of it.  She helped me, she prayed, and then when we were done, it was all better, and they were gone; and she was able to play in her room again.  She was able to sleep without any problems and went down without any fear.
 It was such a proof in life that if you listen to your child, she/he will guide to as to what their needs are.
I am so grateful that we listen to cunksi so closely and we were able to take care of the problem.
It was cute though, because when mihigna got home, he went and did it again, and after he prayed, he started singing, I was in the kitchen, cooking; when he started singing, cunksi told him to stop singing that song, and to sing humpty dumpty instead.  Lila co!!!
But either way, our house is finally back to normal.. and I'm so grateful! It was getting much too crowded in here with all the bad moods floating around.  We knew there was a lot of residual ooginess from the house's origional owners and we were having signs of all the ickiness that was accumulated here from them. But, they couldn't stay here, we are a much too loving family and our house is (normally) filled with light, love, health, and laughter.
And now, it's finally ours again.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Sunshine of my life....

I just want to write these down, for future sake.

Yesterday, you and I were walking down the driveway and we saw some crushed tubleweeds. You said, "Tumbleweeds Ina"'
"Yes Cunksi"
"They look like little birds nests."


Later in the store, we were checking out and you looked up at me, you were sitting in the cart:
"We have no quarters Ina?"
"Nope, no quarters."
I think it's pretty cool at 2.5 yrs old, you not only know what a quarter IS, but know what it is used for!

Today, you were drawing while I was working on Language notes and you drew a polar bear, a cookie, a rainbow, and "rain, rain rain."
You're awesomeness just gets grows with every sunrise.
At breakfast, lunch and dinner, you ask each of us, how our day was.  You also ask me throughout the day, "How is your day Ina?"
Yesterday, we were driving up to the rez, you were in your carseat and you asked: Where is Kimber, willow and willows brother?"
You're SUCH a cool kid! Thanks for being ours.

Monday, February 15, 2010

More Than Just letters

(Originally posted on my writing site on Jan 27, 2010)


Tiwahe Wica Yu Wita Win

I've been thinking lately of my Lakota name. I always want to put it on things like my phone, but never can, because the character allowance, is not long enough. it stops at Wit. If I type it in with no spaces, it will stop at: tiwahewichayuwitawi. Which, I guess might be OK. But I know better. It could be seen as acceptable as the shortened version of Win, or properly, Winyan.

I say I know better, because I do. I was taught the proper way to use my Language and why we need to use it that way. Even though, as the days go by, this concept seems to be slipping away with the ozone.
An elder of mine and I have had many discussions on how our culture has become what I call the 7-11 culture. Easy, fast, instant gratification. (I could post once a day everyday for the next year on THAT alone.) This isn't right. Our culture has always had its very own language and rules for the language, reasons for WHY words are the way they are. As an alumni of Sinte Gleska University, I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, be for, use first, and defend (adamantly, if need be), our "true" language. The language that was put into print because of Albert White Hat.
Back to my name. Now, the proper word for Woman, is Winyan. Over time it has been acceptable to use Win. However, to use Wi, is shortening it for mere convenience, the word Wi has it's own meaning namely, the sun.

Knowing that, I refuse to perpetuate the convenience of my culture; I will not allow my name to be bastardized and shortened to Wi. First of all, my name is sacred, in the sense that it was given to me by my father, it was picked especially for me, and(to my foremost knowledge,) it is directly and correctly translated as is, without any adjustments needing to be made. Meaning, he did not have to come up with a Lakota translation for an English word.
I am VERY proud of my name. It envelops completely, my journey home and all the stepping stones that were put in place on that journey. It gave me goosebumps when I received it, because I knew what it meant, and flashed on a few specific times in my life when these events had happened. In a life so far away, and so foreign from the people whose blood flowed through my veins. It was another confirmation that the spirits had kept their hands in my life, and I had not been tossed carelessly to the greater world beyond.

I, by no means, am a fluent speaker, but I'm a constant student, as are most people,even in the English language. But this is what I know. I AM a Lakota Winyan, I am an Ina, a member of the Sicangu Nation, and therefore, it is my duty to not let our language get bastardized by the wasicu "scholars" who want to make money off of it, and who, by the way DO NOT send one penny of that money back here to our tribe, our university OR our reservation. Nor can I allow it to drift away on the morning mist. I know that once it's gone, it's gone for good. And then we will be no better than, common mainstream Americans who once had a culture, but don't know much about it now.
Had I not returned home, I'd have been a Indian with no tribe, no language, no pride. But I have returned, I have taken my place in the hoop, and now I have this gorgeous daughter who speaks the language, knows her culture. She will grow up with the ceremonies, the traditions, the everyday, this is just what we do, because this is who we are. She, will not know any different. As it should be. You cannot live your culture when it's "cool","fun" or easy. If you are living as you should be, it will rarely be easy.
We have had far too many generations of soul-wounded, displaced, lost children who gravitate and latch onto any form of connection... (I.E, gangs). The time for that is over. We must do our parts to re instill the culture in ourselves, our lives, our children, our tribe. Do we have the answers to EVERYTHING? No. But that is what our tiwahe, tiyospaye and oyate, is for.

PS: I purposely did not translate my name. Maybe on a another day

Friday, February 12, 2010

here I go, feeling again....

I may have posted about this at some point previously, but I'm doing it again.

     I see that they have made a new We are the World, for Haiti. It's different than the original, which is ok, it's a different time, a different bunch of people and a different cause.
      I was small when Micheal Jackson's came out, and now I find out that it wasn't really "his" but i thought it was. Anyway, as I've mentioned here before, I'm very much an empath, so being such a youngster, and hearing this song, rocked my world, impacting me in such a way that would go on to leave me open to be affected by so many other occurances like this.  It stirred the same response in me, that I had when I learned about the statue of liberty, (she then became my hero.More on that later.)  That was the fact, that when people gather together with the same cause, the same mindset, the same ulterior motive, they become one heart, and in doing so change the world.
 
    It was through that video that i learned of and became fond of, many of the artists who partook in the making of that song/video.  I dont' know if the Band Aid song came before or after WATH, but it also moved me to tears... and still does. and then Micheal jackson wrote man in the mirror... tears, tears, tears. 

    But it was these small things that made me know of the great tragedy in the world beyond my house walls; and made me feel that I had to do what I could to make a difference in whatever way I could.  The Man in the Mirror video is what made me declare at the tender age of 13, that when I grew up I was going to join the peace cor, travel to Ethiopia and help end world hunger.
  The great thing about that video is what MJ did so perfectly all the time.  He showed some of the worst parts of humanity, and placed them next to a some of our greatest victories.  And he didn't say: "YOU suck, YOU did this.." he said, "I, I need to do this."
Which, as anyone knows who is on their way to self acualtization, is the best way to make a change.


And with age, comes wisdom.
After I found and returned to my birth family I was very angry at my adoptive family for taking me from what I felt was my birthright. I was jealous that I had missed out on so much of my culture that i would have grown up with. I felt I had been cheated in the worst way.  But, now as I'm older, I see the advantages in having to walk in both worlds.  I would not be able to have the input, the knowledge, the viewpoints of both sides, had I not be able to have feet in both.  The white world gave me my love of books and the English language, which gave me a solid foundation that I now use to  focus on and incorporate my native language.  For every bullet point of my white upbringing, that I used to view as a negative, I now see as a positive.

If I had not grown up in the world I did, would I have such a strong grasp or obsessive love for reading and writing? I don't know. Would I have been able to be as strong of a critical thinker as I am? I don't know.
This is what I do know. I have the basis of a strong foundation that was provided by the white world, gifts that I was able to wrap up in the fibers of my being which now allow me to traverse and understand both the white world and the Lakota world much clearer. My experiences growing up, as hellish as they were, helped develop (I think) me into the incredible empath that I am; because I know how it feels to be treated horribly, and I would never want to intentionally do that to another person.  That very same feeling/reaction is why I will never be able to turn my back on someone who needs help, in whatever form. One of, the lessons I learned from growing up in an abusive cruel home was that everyone is human. Everyone.  And some times, people are really shitty humans; but that is more about them, than anything.

There is more to add.. but I have to run.
My point in all of this, is that our humanity is excellent at singing and dancing and whatever when someone needs help... but you juxtapose that against how horribly some people treated michal jackson, and there is the flipside of humanity.  The ugliness that comes out when someone doens't fit in the box that someone somewhere decided was one size fits all.   I wish i could have know M.J... because I saw the good in him, I saw his ultimate goal, and that was to love others as much as he could and bring as many people happiness as possible, and give a few children something to smile about.

I'll come back to this.. it's a work in progress, obviously.  As my dear friend KS says, "We all are."

wacipi reflection....

Mi cunksi,
Unci sent me this photo, along with others, of our weekend at the wacipi.  This one is the one  that has the strongest impact.

  This is when the Akicita's were shooting their guns and you got scared; it was buya in that arena! So, you grabbed my neck, snuggled me close and told me to cover your ears. I felt so protective when you were scared. I wanted to block out all the noise, so you would no longer be scared.  The Ina bear in me wanted to tell them to stop shooting so much, and I wanted to meld myself around you.
This is such a picture of what our jobs as Ina's are. To protect fiercely, unquestioning, just do it, and hold on as long and as tight as need be.
I'm feeling that especially right now as our lives resemble a chaotic raceway, and nothing ever seems the same, and nothing seems to be staying in its place these days. It's wrecking havoc on me, and I can see it starting to get at you a bit.  I need to be the strong Winyan Lakota, and be your embracer, your support, your kleenex, your balm, your soft place to land. I have not done such a good job  these last few weeks, and for that i'm sorry. Many times, I've broken down in tears right along with you.  You are evolved enough to tell me to stop crying. thank you for that. 

  Back to the wacipi...It wasn't long after grand entry that you went on to dance around the arena, and do a fabulous job. You let go of my hand and danced on your own, but we were surrounded by shawl dancers and jingle dress, so you got jostled away from me. You looked around a bit startled, but you called for me, and we re connected.  That is such a metaphor for your take on life. You are more than willing to meet it head on, but you need to check back in every now and again, to make sure I'm still there, in case you need something.

I am. I will be. Always.

I see this picture as the state I'm in as well.  I look tired, aged, pale. I am out of balance, and desperately need to get it back. So, this will be good for me to look upon to remind me of where I need to be. For you, for myself, for our future.

Tewahila! I'm so glad you are my turtle. Thanks for blessing me/us.

You are the bomb!!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Tewahila Cunksi

Han Cunksi,
  what a great day.  You are such an amazing cikala wakaneja. We went to Unci and Lala's so Ate' could go to the Inipi, then you and I went to the wacipi, and boy did we have fun!  They were about two hours late with grand entry, but you just hung out, looked around and were just as content as could be.  You looked so cute in your little regalia!  When we were walking around the arena, I realized how often I watch you, and how often I am smiling. You fill me with such joy, love  and pride.  Then after grand entry, you were wacin na niwha. So, we headed back to Unci's and you got play with her while At'e and I took care of some business we needed to.
  You are so great about just being cool with whatever as long as we are all together. 
 We went back to the Wacipi this evening and your Unci bought you all kinds of goodies!
Eee you wanted to dance, but you were tired, so we didn't stay long. We dropped Unci off at her tipi and then we headed home. We got to the crest of our hill, and boom, you were OUT!! Ate and I talked on the drive up the lane about how incredible you are and how blessed we are to be your parents.
I just wanted to thank you, again, for enriching our lives, for blessing us and for making the world a better place with your presence.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Crappy Ina Day

I'm feeling all ittery and jittery, and I guess it's time for a verbal spew.

Love of my life,
 I snuggled up to you tonight, and my love for you is so overwhelming. I want perfection for you.
Read that again, clearly. Perfection FOR you, not OF you, or FROM you. 
You are perfect, just as you are.
But me, so far from it.  And yet, I feel, I should be. For you, because you are so mind blowingly amazing, and you just get more so everyday.

Ina had a rotten day today.  Our lives are about to be thrown up in the air, and I have to hang on for the landing.. believing that we will all float back down to where we are supposed to be.  Normally, I don't think this would be too hard; but being sick, is sure making things a lot harder.  Auntie Kate said it perfectly, i can't seem to get out of the fight or flight mindset.
The postives of our new chapter are so incredible and amazing, it's what we wanted. But i worry too, about you, you are very attached to your home. Your sunka most of all, that is what makes me almost burst into tears. We will have to find a foster home for her while we are living this new adventure and I worry that it will break your heart. It tears at mine, we both love her so.  I never want you to have any hurt, pain, dissapointment.
Tonight, the stress of our situation got the better of me, and I curled into a metaphorical ball, you needed something, and I grumbled around about it. What a jerk I was. I am sorry. I need to get over myself and start realizing you're the baby in the situation.  Please forgive me. Again, I"m human. As I've said before, sometimes,  I'm a messy, jerky, selfish, human. But one that loves you more than stars in the sky, more than ten thousand tatanka's on a a ridge. Please don't ever forget that.
  I need to shake the crap out of my head and start seeing things clearer.

This is going to be great. We will all be together.. that is the most important of all.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Ina thoughts...

Mi Cunksi,


As we still ponder the decision to go or stay, we think we have come up with a solution that will work to everyone's liking.  But more on that later.

  As I cruise around my various blog sites...(all Ina blogs, of course.) many of them are from parents raising children in a different country, and different cultures. Some homeschool, a few unschool, and some go to regular school.  It's all so interesting to read the experiences they are having, and what is "new" in the educational fields.... I am always trying to stay on top of this, as your school years are not too far off. If we stay on the ranch for another year, you're Ate' and I have  picked out the preschool you will be attending.  However, if we move, whether it be north of here, or back to vtown, I don't have the first clue where I'll send you. And while you may not always go to regular school, I think it will be good for you to go to preschool; especially here, since this town is SO void of anything positive/educational/experiential for a tiny one to do.
  But it's all very exciting. The biggest goal is for us to all be back together again.  And we just can't do that here, the cost of living here and in this house, is just too high for us.  It's a beautiful home, on a gorgeous land, but it's not our forever home.  It will be great for some one else. 

  I've been interrupted and now have lost my thread. I guess I'll come back when I remember it.

Friday, January 29, 2010

My Truth

Were do I begin? So many beginnings. I will start right here, right now.

Today I cried, cried my eyes out, shook with crying, laughed with crying. Because today, I found out what is wrong with me and just that easily everything fell into place.
I have adrenal fatigue.

If you have it, you know what it does to you. If you don't, picture your worst self and yet no answers to why you are being your worst self. Imagine a life that feels like you're depressed, but not really, a life where you can barely get up in the morning, and if you didn't have to because you are a  mom, you wouldn't. Imagine a life where you spend all day exhausted and then at night, when you want to sleep, you can't. If you put your head down, or lay down then sit up, you are dizzy. If you do something as simple as bending over, that makes you dizzy.
Imagine a life where you come wide awake at night and stay up until 2 a/m because your brain won't shut off.
Imgaine being an athletic person who is fit, healthy and strong all your life and now you are weak, fat and so off kilter you can barely do a push up. 

Imagine, gaining up to about 30 pounds (or more) for the first time in your life. Imagine craving foods that you have never "craved" in your life, and then becoming almost addicted to them.
Imagine being a extremely sensual, sexual person, only for it to dissapear. Completely. 

That has been my life. And I had no idea why, or what was wrong with me. Or when, or even if I was going to get better.

I am a textbook case, matching every symptom.
I'll quickly buzz through the cause reason for getting it.
It's a result of on going trauma and/or stress for long periods of time, your adreanal glands control your flight or fight response.  If you are too traumatized or stressed out for long periods of time,then your body just assumes everything is trauma and keeps you in that flight or fight mode. (What I call survivor mode)


OHHHHH. I see it all so plainly now.  Since 2003, I have either been traumatized or stressed out more often than not.
My aunt died in 2004, which is what kicked it off. She was my cornerstone, my grounder, my "mother".  She fought a hard fight but died a horrible death from cancer and my world was turned upside down, as expected as it was.(Trauma)  Then the following year, I lost two babies. (Trauma/stress) Then I got pregnant again, and had no problems with my pregnancy or my birth, but when she was two days old a nurse came into my room and told me my baby was going to starve to death, and that was why she was crying so much. Yes, this is what she said to a new mother. (Trauma/stress) So, that put me in panic mode and every time my baby cried, I associated it with the nurse's words. That coupled with the everyday stress of being a new mother, a new mother who finally had her "miracle" baby and was afraid of screwing up or making some HUGE life altering mistake. (STRESS)  Then trying to be the best mother I could be when I had no good, healthy, example to follow. (Stress). Then dealing with my daughter's tummy issues, (STRESS)
Then feeling like I was under a microscope because even though my "family" (meaning my adoptive mother and my sister) was a horrible, abusive family, I still wanted them to share in the joy of my daughter.  And all  they did was criticize me and be mean, to not only me, but my daughter. (stress)  Then harrangue me for the way I was raising my daughter and just generally be cruel and mean to me. (STRESS, STRESS, STRESS)
And the list goes on.
But as time has been going on, I've been feeling worse and worse with no explanation. I'd gone to my doctor a year ago with no real result and diagnosis. I was told to, get out more and stop breastfeeding. (Really? Are you serious? You ARE a doctor right?) But I've known something was wrong.  People, are STILL too quick to think that mother's are attle brained; so many cases have shown where something is wrong, and the mothers know it, even if medical people can't identify it until it has reached the crises stage. 


So, here I am. Completely understanding why I have been the way I have been. I am glad that what ails me can be fixed. As I heard the symptoms and they matched me exactly, I burst into tears. I was so relieved.
They are going to run some blood tests,but things should be getting better within 3 months to a year.  (it all depends on how severe it is, which is what the blood test will show.
 

So up until today, I had just been hiding away, thinking I was crazy, or that I was effed up somehow to finally have this miracle baby and yet be feeling tired, drained and not so much myself.   But i was too afraid to say that outloud, for fear that something might be seen as me being ungrateful (which I am NOT) or that I really was losing my mind.

Oh thank God I'm NOT crazy.

This is not a very complete post, but I need to get to sleep. I just wanted to share my "good" news. More on this later.

Need a good laugh? Read this.....

 this made me laugh and cheered me right up!!!

Hot Belly Mama: Rooster Seduction?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I posted on my other site....

You can read my post here. 

My mouse seems to be messed up and will not allow me to highlight and past anything... so... this is how I have to do it for now. Sorry! 

Thursday, January 21, 2010

MUST SEE TV.

Animal planet has this new show called blood, sweat and takeaways.  It's soo good,and so important for EVERYONE to see. It's about these four British 20-something's who are sent to Indonesia, in an effort to make them be aware of where our food comes from. Some are sent by thier parents, one man was sent by his wife.. (you go woman!) Very enlightening and very educational.  I have only seen the first one, but it left my eyes even more open than previously. 

   I am very conscious about my food sources, and I don't eat/buy/consume a lot of prepackaged,imported food; I wanted to watch it, to see what exactly goes into making the food that Americans, and other free world people so casually pull off the shelves and drop into their basket/carts, with nary a thought of its path. I have always been an aware person, aware of what goes on around me, to others, the cost of things at others expense... etc.  But now that I'm an Ina, it feels especially urgent/important/vital.

I don't have a lot of time to write about this, but need to come back to it because it IS important!
I need to go care for my little turtle, get us dressed and head to town for errands.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Surrender

Surrender?
Mary Black Bonnet

(For "YOU")

I want to engulf you,
   in bubble wrap.

Carry you gently.

Not because you are fragile, or weak.

Anything but.

Immense in your strength,sacredness,  wisdom
    spirit and kindness.

All we need to be.

Some strive for it,
    others look on.

Their insecurities flashing, blinding their vision;
    sunbeams on a car bumper.
As they cruise into the sunset
   too young to care for this moment.

Not seeing what lays ahead.

Acculturation.
   Assimilation.
In its worst form.

Strong, Proud warriors,
   now common sheep.
The hard fought battle
   can't be over!

Not yet.  Not like this.

This war has been too long,
  claimed victims too many, brought victories too few.
For a flip of the hair,
   the boom-boom of bass
    in a hot rez rod.
As they leave their Proud, mutilated,Beautiful, culture
   in the rear view mirror.

When the dust clears,
   a raw, gaping hole left in its wake.

As they wave to us,
    from the other side of the glass.