Sunday, November 22, 2009

School of dreams!!!

OMG.. I want to have the option to send cunksi, and to TEACH at a place like this....


I need to write more on that very subject, as well as other things that have come up..but I must run and do something else first..so I will be back and then I'll talk. MBB

Friday, November 20, 2009

Mama's got her boobs out....

Today turtle discovered the joy of whipped cream. I knew she'd like it.
At'e brought pumpkin pie home for lunch... well when HE came home for lunch, so she had some.. and asked what the white stuff was.. so I told her, she daintaily tried some.. and was sold.
Yey! she loved pumpkin and whipped topping too!(This has nothing to do with the title, I just wanted to post it for posterity sake.)


Now come the boobs.

She woke up a bit ago and I went in to nurse her back down and started thinking about those first few months when she was born.
From the time she was born until, probably, oh five months after.. I was rarely covered. My Aze's were out all the time. Thinking back on it now, I'm sure there were quite a few people at the hospital who got quite the view of me, since I was in Inahood daze and nursing on demand. I just didn't feel the need to have a shirt on.

I was all consumed by her and all her incredibleness.. (hell, I STILL am) so my Az'e were just out all the time. Or, I'd have a nursing bra on, those soft kind that you can "sleep in", (but not really) and I'd have one aze hanging out of it's cover.
It was amusing because I was so unaware of it, but mihigna would come home and make a comment or two. he would start singing, "Mama's got her boobs out." a song I had previously, never heard. He said it was going to be his new ringtone.
Those first few months of turtle's life, I ordered delivery coffee daily, and would have to check myself, to make sure the girls were put away before opening the door. I would also get boxes delivered, and the poor UPS man had quite the greeting one morning. Lesson learned.

Eleven years later, it's amazing really. I came to SD a repressed, beaten down, unloved, recovering Mormon girl who got comfortable in her own skin, embraced her true self, her hot body and now, kicks ass and takes names. Moving away from Michigan was the best thing I did for myself. (Que Alanis' Unprodical Daughter~my theme song)

Big Fat sigh.. life is GOOD, no, LIFE is FUCKING AMAZING!

And it just keeps getting better.

These days, my Aze's are under wraps a bit more.. just FYI.
For the second night in a row, cunksi was awake till 12. AM. Not fun.
It was my fault, becuase she didn't take her nap, but wanted to sleep at five, so I let her, merely because i was trying to get a project done, and i was not meeting her needs.
BAD Ina.
It was a bad afternoon for me, I was working on a project, and probably not giving her the attention she needed... you know my usual 24/7 attention; so neither one of us were happy.
Even with the way I parent and believe in parenting, there has to be a balance, and right now, there isn't one. I put myself and my project aside to be with her, and then I let myself carve out a bit of time when she is sleeping.. if i'm not too tired.

But mihigna thinks I need to set a boundary with her for some time for me, where she can play by herself.

I can see his point, but I worry... is she too young? Doesn't she need me engaging with her all the time still?
Will she feel rejected? Unloved?

But the bottom line is this, I'm the sole parent for most of the day, save 2-3 hrs at night.
so, maybe boundaries, and balance wouuldn't be such a bad thing.....

we'll see. I'll think about it.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Anpetu Waste

Oh today was a blessed yummy day!
I got up and made pumpkin teeny tiny turtle pancakes. Because you see, having teeny tiny turtle pancakes are the norm around here. Turtle loves them, so I make them. As I was putting the last ones on the griddle this morning, I turned around and watched her gobbling them up; I was filled with love and gratitude that I was able to be home everyday to make her teeny tiny turtle pancakes. I am so blessed beyond measure to be her Ina... I don't think people truly understand the depth of it sometimes. They say what a good mom I am, but really, it's ALL her. She is like this etheral being that is pure and sacred and holy, that I aspire to be like. She freaking takes my breath away, she's so awesome.
Anyway, so I'm all about pumpkin, especially right now, because it's the holidays and all. So, it's pumpkin everything. Pancakes, cookies, soup. I've just finished a pot of pumpkin soup and OMG, YUMMMEH!!!

So this afternoon, after some serious cuddle time with the three of us and playtime, At'e/Mihigna went out hunting, while turtle and I walked around the property collecting Pejuta for some medicinals and bath products. It was such a gorgeous, perfect day... the weather was cold, but not too cold, and it was just a perfect fall day. Then, turtle and I came in, she had a rest, and I held her while watching holiday movies. LOVE hallmark channel!!!
Then she woke up, and by that time Mihigna had returned home w/ a Taca, so we went out to see it, and help him hang it up. I'm so grateful for this meat, it came at a time when we really needed it. Normally, we have a freezer full of Tatanka, but not right now, so we really needed him to have a successful hunt.
It's another aspect and blessing of being Lakota.. that while we can appreciate Taca's for their beauty, we can also appreciate that they put food in our bellies. I also love that Mihigna is a food hunter, and doesn't believe in trophy hunting. He knows that it is because of his hunt that we are able to eat. And this we are able to show cunksi through living it.


It was just another amazing, blessed day.

Anpetu kili pilamiya Tunkasila!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Lovely,lovely love my family...

I love the holiday season!!
I love the baking and the cooking and the gathering and the warm and fuzzyness of it all. It gets even warm-er and fuzzy-er than usual around here... I LOOOOOVVVVVEEE it!!!!

And I love that we have turtle to share it with. It was awesome with the two of us, but it's out of this world, mind blowing awesome with her here now!!!

And last year, I heard this song for the first time and got all weepy, i still do. I love this song though.... Darn, can't post it anymore... but it's the song, love love love my family by the roots. It was on Yo gabba gabba, and I LOVE it!!!
So, go to Nick Jr and watch the video.. or you tube it. It's coolness!!

ok, for now, that is all.

Friday, November 13, 2009

What we did today

Today, we had to go to a check up and have a polio booster. I hate shots. They are so stressful on me, and who can stand to see their baby hurt? But, I am all for vaccines. I'm not for the influx of numerous ones at one time, but I am for shots.

I have a wonderful practitioner who allows us to spread the shots out. that is helpful.
I love my practitioner, but the nurses really made me angry. I told them way back when we first moved here that I didn't want all her shots at once, then they went out and told everyone in the clinic I was against vaccines. So, she fell behind in her shot scedule and chaos ensued. I found out that the nuse said this, and so I EMPAHTICALLY explained what the real deal was.

I was angry that the nurse spread this MISINFORMATION and then no one brought it to my attention for clarification. I mean, come on. I'm a Lakota woman, my child is Lakota, of all people we NEED vaccinations!!! Geez, um, can you say, Small pox??? HELLO!!! Trust me, if there had been a vaccine for that back then, you'd better believe us Indigenous people would be the first in line for it!!!

RGGGG!!! I hate it when people pass judgement on you or make assumptions without even knowing or asking questions!!!!!

ANYWAY...
I got turtle ready for the shot starting last night, and we talked about it, and i didn't let them rush her, like they like to do, and I refuse to let them pin her down.. i make them go slow and wait until she is ready. So, today, we looked at the shot and then she got it. it still hurt her, of course and she still cried, but we used the "boo boo juice" and had asanpi afterwards. But there were still tears, of course, but i held her until it was better. She had a small nap and all is well.
I hate her having to be hurt, but the danger of the diseases are so much worse than a poke and some tears afterwards. I know the debate over vaccines is great, and in many cases,justified. But for me personally, I will vaccinate my child, because wasicu diseases are soo deadly and devastating. It pisses me off that they would think I was against vaccines.

I've mentioned this boo boo juice before, and I LOVE it, it is MAGICAL, and works soo well!!!

Ok, well that is it for now... mihigna is home for the weekend!! yey!! more later. MBB

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Cunksi hojila,

I just needed to drop you another little note about something.
We were in the car today, and you apologized to me for being mean. You are so sweet and kind, I thank you for that. I know I thanked you in the car, but I'm going to thank you again, here, in black and white.

First of all, thank you for the unsolicited apology, but don't hold on to any negative, or sad feelings regarding this. As I told you in the car, you are a mini me, so you get this from me. We are huge em paths, so our emotions are BIG, and strong. We feel HUGE happy,love and Joy, but we also feel HUGE Sad and Mad. As a result, when we are feeling squeezed, we snap like a dog. I won't take it personally, coming from you. I understand the feelings, and I can let any hurt or slight bump to my feelings go.

It's ok. I understand, of all people, I understand. It's hard to have such huge feelings when you don't always know where they came from, but suddenly they are there and they are spilling all over the place.

I also will help you with them in a world that wants to quell feelings, especially if they are big, raw ones. Having grown up like that, I'm hoping I'll be able to help deflect any negativity that comes your way, help you realize why others won't always understand your big feelings. I understand them, and I accept them. You go right ahead and feel them in all their grandiosity. It's part of what makes you an artist, and all the other talents you have. It will come in handy in all those aspects.

Because one of the up sides to having such huge feelings is, your heart is just as huge, which is a wonderful hard gift as well. I hope I can keep you from shutting it down, as the world will want you to. Sometimes things will be hard, you will see things that will feel so heartbreakingly wrong, while others see them as "nothing to get upset about." This is OK too, because it is who you are, and it is worth it to be "raw" than to be "calloused."

I'm getting off track here, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your apology, and i want you to know that I love you and accept you for who you are.

At 2 year old, you are so wise and kind, and loving and giving, and HUGE. I will do everythign in my power to help you grow on that path.

You are the best, and we love you and are soo very proud of you!
xoxoxoxxoxox, love always, Ina na At'e

This and that

I've been away from my blog, but not away from writing, or arting by any means.
I've just finished an essay for Florida Review and wrapped up a photo show.
Things are good. I realized, finally, that walking away from art, especially writing, just wasn't going to happen. It wasn't meant to. It stalked me like a hunter, it came to me in dreams, it tugged at my heart, my mind, my hands.
I'm glad.

There have been other things going on as well, but I've not sorted through them. I'm a pretty private person. I don't really allow my "rawness" be shown, until I'm good and ready. You all may find this shocking considering how raw I write in publications. But it all comes out only after much mulling, healing, and editing. So, when the time is right, I will talk about what is going on here, the pull is there so it won't be long.

Turtle came to my show today, which was a huge relief, or we'd have been apart for 4 hours, the longest in our whole time together. It would probably have been harder on me, I'm sure. We're so connected, so enmeshed. I love being with her, she is hilarious and funny, and smart. I love talking to her, listening to her. Life with her continues to be mind blowingly amazing.

At the show i saw a woman with a 3 month old..my uterus started throbbing, and my arms started tingling. I remember turtle that tiny, that young, that new. i reminded myself that there will be another one in two years...but I still wanted to snatch that baby up, hold her, smell her, kiss her and snuggle her. It was sad, because the mother of the baby, was a teen mother and couldn't' care less about that baby, that special time she has right now. A mother who hadn't "meant to" get pregnant,(UM HELLO, that's what CONDOMS are FOR!! GRR) and now sees her beautiful gift as a hindrance to her fun. It was heartbreaking. When i get my certification, I'm going to put on my business cards.. "Babies and children are my specialty" I wanted to ask her if she knew the baby language, but I could tell she didn't care. Now, i wish I'd have brought it up, just to let the mom be aware of, in case she changes her mind.

I walked out and there was turtle, running up to me, jumping into my arms, her little arms wrapped around me as she nuzzled into my neck. She smelled like fresh air. I held her as I spoke with people, and she helped, telling them where we took our photos, complete with hand signals. ohhh, she's sooo cute!

Ok, i gotta go, a turtle is rustling around in bed... she'll be calling soon.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Best Friends