Thursday, October 8, 2009

On my mind, in my heart....

You're asleep now, it's late, you went to bed at nine. I'm supposed to be writing, concentrating on my INA time, but no, you are always on the peripheral of my thoughts. My ears are always tuned to you, I'm always listening for a peep, a breath, a whimper. I have to restrain myself sometimes to not abandon my writing and go crawl back in bed with you, snuggle up to your warm turtle body. It's so small and so big all at the same time. I think every day, at various times about how you have grown so big, and how very small you were when you were born. (My body thanks you immensely for that.) But everyday you are growing, and you are not going to be this small ever again, you will grow, older and up, and I'm pretty sure you will be taller than me (it's the Artichoker legs and torso) and one day, you will decide to wean and then start sleeping in your own bed, and I will be happily sad. I'm so honored to have this time with you. so many mothers have not been able to nurse beyond a year, much less more than a year, and I'm so glad we have been able to, that you have wanted to. I know nursing contributes to your incredible smarts, your health and your security.

After your bath this evening, you were ready for bed, and started asking for something, I couldn't understand you and your At'e and I desperately were trying to figure it out, so we could give you whatever it was you wanted. We knew it was a turtle, but we went through all the turtles you had, and they weren't it; At'e finally figured out that it was your Myrtle Turtle you wanted,(you have a special name for it) and so we started looking for it. But then we couldn't find it anywhere, and I was in a near panic, desperate to get you what you were asking for... we finally found it, and you snuggled in for sleep. I lay there, and realized how much desperation I had been feeling over finding you your turtle... it was visceral for me; you wanted something, and I, your Ina, needed to get it for you. You do such a good job of communicating, that when i don't always understand, i feel bad. I see it in your eyes that you get frustrated; and that breaks my heart... I always want to be able to know exactly what you need at any given moment. Realistic or not, it comes with the Ina job.

Hours later, you woke up, disoriented, calling for me, wanting to get up. I scooped you up, you snuggled into my chest, and we went out to the rocking chair. I rocked you, as you snuggled into my body, your head under my chin, your arms wrapped around mine, completely meshed into one another. You fell right back to sleep, perfectly content. You didn't want to nurse, you just wanted me. I rocked you, your heartbeat pulsing through the top of your head and into my chin; it took me back to when you were new. This position was not new for us, we have been enmeshed in each other since you were born. For hours you'd be in my arms,or in the sling. But usually in my arms, the sling still wasn't close enough. I'd rarely put you down. I didn't want to, you didn't want me to. We were one, and it was perfect. I thought back tonight of how easy it was to be pregnant with you, how much fun it was, and how easy and fun it was to give birth to you. If I could do it all over again, w/ you, I would. You are so amazing. You have always been amazing. You're so polite, well mannered and sweet, omg, you're sweet! I just want to eat you! I love hearing you say, "I love you" or "I love you too" after I tell you I love you. I love the way you run up to me full speed and hug me. I love how when you and At'e are playing chase, you run to me for safe, and scramble just as fast as you can up my legs. I hope you always run to me when you need to be on safe.

This past weekend, you and I were at the store, and At'e's relatives, Rob and Cora stopped us in the parking lot to say hi. Rob said: "Every time I see you, you two are just like this..(he puts his hands together) you guys are just connected." I laughed and nodded. We are, and I'm glad.

I just needed to take a break from what I was doing and say yet again, how much I love you, how honored I am to be your Ina, and how incredible it is to watch you grow, develop, and BE. You are ONE AMAZING Turtle! Thanks for being ours.
We love you more than there are words for, more than there are stars in the sky, more than ten thousand dinosaurs on ten thousand mountain tops!!

2 comments: said...

I really liked this post. I like the way you convey such intimacy. What a nice diary you are creating for your daughter.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh, precious.