Today was amazing and crazy and everything all rolled up into one.
Last night was rough, the night before was rough.
On Tuesday night, you fell asleep in your bed. I left you there for awhile as I lay in our bed, dozing and listening to the hum of the monitor. I was tired, and suffering from this horrible cold. You woke up and called for me, so I rushed in, scooped you up and brought you back to our bed. I dozed off again while you nursed and dozed.
I didn't pull the railing up behind me. I slept, you nursed, then slept.
A while later, you fell off the bed with that sickening, gut wrenching thud that only a baby can make when they hit the floor.
I jumped up, scooped you up, you went back to nursing while I fought tears.
I felt/feel horrible. I have never, NEVER let you fall on the floor. EVER. I'm a horrible mother.
You, were/are fine, and cried quickly and then went back to sleep.
But even two days later, it still makes me sick. I'm so sorry that I didn't put the railing up, and you fell, I'm sooo sooo sorry. I feel so bad. I'm so glad you are ok. But I still feel bad.
Today, we did fun things like painting and dancing and wearing pretty dresses. But this afternoon, I got impatient because I was trying to do to many things at once, and I yelled at you, because you weren't listening to me. I never yell at you. I feel so bad, and I'm so sorry I didn't take a breath first and stop and realize what was really important. I'm sorry that I hurt you feelings, I'm sorry that I get too caught up in trying to juggle to many things that ultimately don't matter.
Please forgive me. Please don't take it personally, please know that I'm the jerk and you are the innocent bystander.
I didn't mean to do it, and I'm sorry. I feel bad, and I wish I could undo it. I want to be perfect for you, to never be the source of hurt feelings to never leave you feeling bad. The world is shitty, and scary and hurtful enough, I never want you to have to experience that in your own house, from your own mother. I'm so sorry.
And that is the bad thing about yelling or opening my mouth without thinking first. I didn't mean to yell, I didn't MEAN to be mean,(Yelling at your children,to me, is mean.) but I was. and I can't undo it. Just know that I love you more than anything in this world, in this universe, and I can be the biggest jerk sometimes. I just never wanted to be a jerk to you. So please know that I'm human, and a jerky, rotten human at times, and if some of my crap flies out and hits you, try not to take it personally, it's never about you. I'm very sorry. I love you so very much.