Friday, October 30, 2009

Thinking of you...what else is new?




Precious cunksi,
as I have been writing my essay, I've been tending to you in the meantime, a sweet kind grounding reminder of your incredible preciousness. I look back at these photos and I instantly go back to every moment of that day, those days, those months. I haven't forgotten a moment of those times.
Sometimes, I long for you to be that tiny again, so I can hold you in my arms so easily, put you in the sling, carry you around. I have body memory of birthing you, holding you in my arms right away, and everyday after that.
Don't misunderstand me, I love this stage you are in, love the size you are right now, but newborn time and infanthood is just never long enough. No child's stages are long enough. I hope you never rush through the stage you are in, to get somehwere else. Enjoy where you are, revel in it, soak it in.
Thank you again, for being you, for coming to us, for picking us, above all others. You've blessed us with your presence.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Help needed....

The last few nights, have been a bit tough on us, more me than mihigna I think. I have been struggling with turtle's bedtime. She goes to bed all fine, but won't settle in for sleep, insists on getting up and then has a complete meltdown when I have tried putting her back in bed. I eventually give in, and i know, that is letting her win, but I'm not sure what to do. I get really frustrated that bedtime gets drug out till 9 or ten at night. It bothers me because then there is no "me" time. No "us" time, and believe me, I NEED my ME time, and my "us" time.
If asked what I would do differently, it would be this. I would continue with my bedrime routine, the half hour preperations, teeth brushing, book reading, song singing, etc. then at the end of that, lights out, nursing until sleep. If she gets up, then I just keep putting her back in bed, until she realizes, sleep time is sleep time. I have been caving because of the tears I dont want her to have a negative association w/ bedtime.

Now, with that said, we had a beautiful routine tongiht... bedtime ritual, then bed and sleep glorius sleep. The difference was that we had no nap today,(due to her sleeping late this a.m because of the late night last night.) and we played and did art all day. (I've started wondering if I shouldnt have her days more routine like.)

So, my dear parent friends who's opions and input I value, PLEASE weigh in.... need ur advice and stories!!

Our amazing Turtle

You continue to grow in so many ways!
You can carry on conversations amazingly well.
I have probably already posted this, since you have done it for a month or so, but you count to 20, and know your ABC's.
The other day, your At'e built you a tipi out of a quilt and my tripod, you LOVE it! You tell us, "come in my tipi." SOO CUTE!! At night, when you are all tucked into bed, sleeping, the dog sleeps in your tipi.
I bought you some canvas, so you can paint more pictures, I love how artistic you are! I love that you love art. I know you will love it when we have easier access to art museums.

I don't have alot to say right now, I just wanted to drop you a note to say how cool and awesome you continue to be.
And how you light up our lives.
Still.

all our love, Ina na At'e.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm so sorry my Turtle.

Today was amazing and crazy and everything all rolled up into one.
Last night was rough, the night before was rough.
On Tuesday night, you fell asleep in your bed. I left you there for awhile as I lay in our bed, dozing and listening to the hum of the monitor. I was tired, and suffering from this horrible cold. You woke up and called for me, so I rushed in, scooped you up and brought you back to our bed. I dozed off again while you nursed and dozed.
I didn't pull the railing up behind me. I slept, you nursed, then slept.
A while later, you fell off the bed with that sickening, gut wrenching thud that only a baby can make when they hit the floor.
I jumped up, scooped you up, you went back to nursing while I fought tears.
I felt/feel horrible. I have never, NEVER let you fall on the floor. EVER. I'm a horrible mother.

You, were/are fine, and cried quickly and then went back to sleep.
But even two days later, it still makes me sick. I'm so sorry that I didn't put the railing up, and you fell, I'm sooo sooo sorry. I feel so bad. I'm so glad you are ok. But I still feel bad.

Today, we did fun things like painting and dancing and wearing pretty dresses. But this afternoon, I got impatient because I was trying to do to many things at once, and I yelled at you, because you weren't listening to me. I never yell at you. I feel so bad, and I'm so sorry I didn't take a breath first and stop and realize what was really important. I'm sorry that I hurt you feelings, I'm sorry that I get too caught up in trying to juggle to many things that ultimately don't matter.
Please forgive me. Please don't take it personally, please know that I'm the jerk and you are the innocent bystander.

I didn't mean to do it, and I'm sorry. I feel bad, and I wish I could undo it. I want to be perfect for you, to never be the source of hurt feelings to never leave you feeling bad. The world is shitty, and scary and hurtful enough, I never want you to have to experience that in your own house, from your own mother. I'm so sorry.

And that is the bad thing about yelling or opening my mouth without thinking first. I didn't mean to yell, I didn't MEAN to be mean,(Yelling at your children,to me, is mean.) but I was. and I can't undo it. Just know that I love you more than anything in this world, in this universe, and I can be the biggest jerk sometimes. I just never wanted to be a jerk to you. So please know that I'm human, and a jerky, rotten human at times, and if some of my crap flies out and hits you, try not to take it personally, it's never about you. I'm very sorry. I love you so very much.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

while you sleep....

Oh my precious little Rock star,
I just needed to thank you for being you.
you are so indescribably awesome. You are the best traveler, and the zen-est baby, you just rock my world and you are my greatest teacher.

Today we took a trip, and you are a joy to travel with, so happy and sweet and oh my gosh you are FUNNEH!! And when everything around you is going down in flames, you're just like, "eh, whatever, my life rocks, this moment rocks, I'm all gooood."

Thanks for being my teacher, thanks for putting up w/ my sometimes over worrying, thanks for being purely you.
I love you more than 20000 turtles on 20000 telephones!!!

love forever and an eon,
Ina

Thursday, October 8, 2009

On my mind, in my heart....

You're asleep now, it's late, you went to bed at nine. I'm supposed to be writing, concentrating on my INA time, but no, you are always on the peripheral of my thoughts. My ears are always tuned to you, I'm always listening for a peep, a breath, a whimper. I have to restrain myself sometimes to not abandon my writing and go crawl back in bed with you, snuggle up to your warm turtle body. It's so small and so big all at the same time. I think every day, at various times about how you have grown so big, and how very small you were when you were born. (My body thanks you immensely for that.) But everyday you are growing, and you are not going to be this small ever again, you will grow, older and up, and I'm pretty sure you will be taller than me (it's the Artichoker legs and torso) and one day, you will decide to wean and then start sleeping in your own bed, and I will be happily sad. I'm so honored to have this time with you. so many mothers have not been able to nurse beyond a year, much less more than a year, and I'm so glad we have been able to, that you have wanted to. I know nursing contributes to your incredible smarts, your health and your security.

After your bath this evening, you were ready for bed, and started asking for something, I couldn't understand you and your At'e and I desperately were trying to figure it out, so we could give you whatever it was you wanted. We knew it was a turtle, but we went through all the turtles you had, and they weren't it; At'e finally figured out that it was your Myrtle Turtle you wanted,(you have a special name for it) and so we started looking for it. But then we couldn't find it anywhere, and I was in a near panic, desperate to get you what you were asking for... we finally found it, and you snuggled in for sleep. I lay there, and realized how much desperation I had been feeling over finding you your turtle... it was visceral for me; you wanted something, and I, your Ina, needed to get it for you. You do such a good job of communicating, that when i don't always understand, i feel bad. I see it in your eyes that you get frustrated; and that breaks my heart... I always want to be able to know exactly what you need at any given moment. Realistic or not, it comes with the Ina job.

Hours later, you woke up, disoriented, calling for me, wanting to get up. I scooped you up, you snuggled into my chest, and we went out to the rocking chair. I rocked you, as you snuggled into my body, your head under my chin, your arms wrapped around mine, completely meshed into one another. You fell right back to sleep, perfectly content. You didn't want to nurse, you just wanted me. I rocked you, your heartbeat pulsing through the top of your head and into my chin; it took me back to when you were new. This position was not new for us, we have been enmeshed in each other since you were born. For hours you'd be in my arms,or in the sling. But usually in my arms, the sling still wasn't close enough. I'd rarely put you down. I didn't want to, you didn't want me to. We were one, and it was perfect. I thought back tonight of how easy it was to be pregnant with you, how much fun it was, and how easy and fun it was to give birth to you. If I could do it all over again, w/ you, I would. You are so amazing. You have always been amazing. You're so polite, well mannered and sweet, omg, you're sweet! I just want to eat you! I love hearing you say, "I love you" or "I love you too" after I tell you I love you. I love the way you run up to me full speed and hug me. I love how when you and At'e are playing chase, you run to me for safe, and scramble just as fast as you can up my legs. I hope you always run to me when you need to be on safe.

This past weekend, you and I were at the store, and At'e's relatives, Rob and Cora stopped us in the parking lot to say hi. Rob said: "Every time I see you, you two are just like this..(he puts his hands together) you guys are just connected." I laughed and nodded. We are, and I'm glad.

I just needed to take a break from what I was doing and say yet again, how much I love you, how honored I am to be your Ina, and how incredible it is to watch you grow, develop, and BE. You are ONE AMAZING Turtle! Thanks for being ours.
We love you more than there are words for, more than there are stars in the sky, more than ten thousand dinosaurs on ten thousand mountain tops!!

Snowy day

my precious,
we woke up to snow on the ground, about an inch tht was accumulated on the porch, and it was still falling lightly. you loved it, adn turned to me and said, "winter!" So, we went out and played in it!! yey!
I'm excited to see this place in snow, and have us do all fun winter stuff here. We won't be here forever, maybe only one more year, but we will get to watch it in all it's seasons, and we'll have lots of fun!
today, we will make chili for dinner and chocolate chip cookies, because you love them!
Love you, Ina

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I've decided...

I've made a decision.

I've lost my footing and directional path the last two years, because I have been so enveloped in nurturing turtle; once again, getting tripped up by my all or nothing thinking.
So, I'm going to start writing and posting back at my old writing blog,(http://maryblackbonnet.blogspot.com) and keep this one for turtle related content only. I hope you follow me over there, and send others to my site, as that is where the guts of me will be.

Monday, October 5, 2009

A smallish Turtle note..

Turtle you are sleeping and I root around for inspiration. You are getting older, which means our joint art projects can go farther. You have always been an artist, you did your first painting at five months old. (Note to self: must post painting) I'm glad you love art.
While you sleep, the fog has rolled into the ranch and sits at the lip of the canyons, beckoning me.
It may just be a day for donning our rain boots and coats and heading out into it, our camera's in hand.

But for now, my sweet turtle, sleep, dream, rest. We will start again when you wake.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

slow down, be careful

In the last 48 hours, Turtle has been begun saying this, it's facebraking adorable. I think it's also sweet how, she has taken a phrase from each of us. During her learning to walk days, (and I mean days literally) we would often say these, mihigna saying slow down, me saying be careful. A week or two after mastering walking, she began to run. RUN. FULL SPEED. So, hence, we would parrot those same phrases, trying to keep the sheer panic from our voices(at least mine) for fear of what would/could happen. She responded well, and I, personally, learned much from these moments. I saw that my/our beautiful daughter was not made of glass, was not as fragile as i previously thought, and in fact, was pretty damn tough. She had no desire to simply meander through life, she had places to go, things to see, all kinds of experiences to partake of. It became alarmingly clear that my/our beautiful, gorgeous, out of this world, amazing daughter, intends to take the world head on. She is doing it beautifully. We couldn't be prouder.

Last Saturday, she began to count to 20. Now,I KNOW how awesome I think she is, but I have to admit, all bias aside, this is pretty incredible. That at two years and two weeks old she can count to 20, deliberately, intentionally, and correctly.
Her brain and cognition blows me out of the water at times. Other times, I'm not surprised. But always, incredibly, effing proud! Waaay back when she was little and I'd tell friends all the amazing things she would do, they'd be like, "yah, she's smart, of course she's smart, look at her parents." And I always got a little squirmy over it. Call it humility or whatever; because i would think, "Oh no, she's this smart on her own." But then I'd realize, all the parts to the equation. Love, respect, acknowledgment, involvement, an incredible pregnancy and drug free birth, her Ina and At'e talking non stop to her, both in and out of the Tezi. It all begins to add up and makes sense. It's all part of it, and so, yes, I accept my/our part of creating this incredible awesome, bring tears to your eyes beautiful, sacred being.
Her Unci B got her a shirt last year that had "Most likely to change the world" on it, and I absolutely agree.
I get chills thinking about the fact that, in 2006, I wrote the essay "Winyan Wakan" (Eating Fire, Tasting Blood,Thunder's Mouth Press) where I talk about how I would raise my daughter to know her sacredness, to know it like her own breath. I see that I'm accomplishing that, and for that I'm proud.

The other great thing about her, is she knows she's loved, she knows she's secure, she knows the world belongs to her. So, my precious, rock star daughter, go ahead, take the world by storm, know you are loved and supported. Charge it all you want, know that we will always be here for you, no matter what. We love you, we are proud of you!