Tuesday, September 29, 2009

it's all good....

As bad as things were, they are that good now. I'm making time to write everyday, I'm working on the photos; BTW, I have another photo show in NOV, whoo hoo!!!
I, and things around me are feeling better!!

We have adopted a new dog, who is sweet as pie, and fits perfectly in w/ our family! she's a lab mix, 2 yo, and soo sweet!! I'll post pics.
In other news, I'm thinking of starting a Vblog; any comments on what you'd what to hear me blather on about? haa haa.

For now, that is all.. love to everyone, MBB

Monday, September 28, 2009

Things are moving

Ok, so I feel much better today, and started feeling much better yesterday. A few good night's sleep, some exercise, some reassessment of self, family and career, and all is back on track.

We have done some things we need to do to get ourselves back on track as individuals and as a family. I must say that the one good thing about my job, however temporary it was, put turtle on a schedule that is so beneficial, we will be keeping it. She is in bed at a decent hour and sleeps all night, providing enough time the rest of the evening for hubby-wife time AND for me to work, or clean, or be lazy and mindless. This alone is helping me tremendously. Part of what made everything seem so huge before was that we felt SO ALONE in it; and that made us feel beaten into the ground to the point that we didn't even want to get up. But in Mihigna's wise words, "You have to create energy to have energy."

Another great thing has happened. Mihgina came to the realization that he has become this person he never wanted to be, and wants to go back to his old ways; he wants to stop seeing the world through "scientific eyes" and get back to the open minded, zenish view, while going back to the basics and doing what makes him happy, TRULY happy. This makes ME happy!!!

We realized we have become these people we never wanted to be, who place value on things that aren't important. As a result, we lost touch w/ ourselves and what made us happy.
After realizing it, we took immediate action and that improved things almost instantly!

I will not take back or apologize for what I said in my earlier post, because that is exactly where I was at that time. I needed to roll around on the floor for a bit and shed a few tears.. and now I feel better and can get up and move on. I'm human.

So, a start of a new week, coming at it from a much better place and with plan!

1)We are unloading one of our burdens

2)I'm going to be serious about my photography and start marketing it and stop farting around and being wussy about it. Photography is something I CAN do right now, so I'm not abandoning my art self.

3)A friend and I have started a Mommy Coop, so we will trade off watching each others babies so that we both have time to do our own work.(She is also a stay at home mom who has taken a part time job working from home.)

So, those resolutions have taken a huge load off my mind... and improved my emotional state, and made me motivated. There's nothing like a plan to make things feel better.

Who am I kidding? I'm always planning, I always have a plan B and whenever there is a crisis, I immediately go into plan mode.

So, I feel much better.

Have a great Monday!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Where I really figure it out in the end

I don't know that I have anything better to say now, then I did a few days ago when I threw up on here and then deleted it.
So, this is what I know, right now.

I'm tired, out of shape, out of balance, and longing for some time for ME. Time where no one wants anything from me, or needs me to be present, or "on". I want to sit and be mindless, or curl up with a book without interruption, or take a hot bath without having to rush through the warmth because someone, somewhere will need something of me soon.

I'm also incredibly lonely. I've always floated back and forth between being a people person, and being an introvert. So, before I had a child, I would do whatever felt right at the time. Now, It's always me, my daughter, and in the evenings and on weekends, my husband. I don't think I'd have much energy for doing anything big and exciting, but just the chance to hang out with another female who gets it, or gets the struggle of mommy life vs art life balance, would be incredibly nice. Or even any of my old art friends, would be great.. they could catch me up on what I've been missing and i could live vicariously through them. I don't have to be there anymore, just tell me about it, I can imagine. Tell me about the great art openings I'm missing, anything!!!

I'm feeling very sad, and teary. Sad, because everything seems so HUGE and I feel so very, VERY small. And unseen, and unsupported, unconnected and unheard. and un,un,un. ( and I don't mean these things from my husband.) I think for the last 11 plus years, I had tendencies to be (at times) very hard, very don't touch me, but since having a child, it seems like I need more support, more gentleness, more hugs, more connection, but it isn't there.
The reason for that (I think) is because we moved to a town that while it's beautiful and breathtaking in landscape, its human touch and connection to your neighbor is nill. I think the people here are very talk over the fence, and that's good enough. I don't have any real friends here. I have connections. I don't have anyone who I could call up and say, "I'm tired, and crying and could you please come hang out with me?" That is probably a bad example, but it's what came to my head. I don't have that here. I had that in vermilion, I had this incredible friend who saw me through my cancer issue, my miscarriages and various other life tragedies. Hell, I had that in IN... my childhood Best friend, I miss her so much. We still talk on the phone weekly, but phone calls aren't enough and plane tickets are too expensive when you can barely put food on the table.
In my utter loneliness, I find myself doing and thinking the oddest things. I find myself calling my mother more.. knowing she can't fix it, but at least she'll listen and missing my stepdad. Like in so many cases, we didn't really get along when i was growing up, but now that I'm an adult; I see all too clearly, that we are more alike than we are different. I think if we hadn't been so wrapped up in our own miseries during my childhood years, we'd have really gotten along well and been close. But thankfully we are close now; that counts for a lot to me.



Anyway, blah blah blah...
My point is, I'm tired, and lonely, and feeling very separated from my art life and art self. I feel like I might as well give up writing all together because by the time I will have time to write anything significant again, no one will care what I have to say. I think writer's are like actors, if you are gone for awhile, everyone just forgets about you. Mary, who? Which will eventually turn into Mary Who Cares? Or maybe this is the natural play out of what was supposed to be... maybe I didn't have any real talent to begin with and no one really cared to begin with.

There isn't much that is going to change around here anytime soon, so I guess I'd better just stop bitching and do what I tell so many others to do. Change it, accept it, or shut up.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

So much to say, not enough time

Wow, what a whirlwind.
I was buzzing around on..I can't even remember what day, because we were headed out of town. During that, I was stopped and offered a job... and found out it would be a full time teaching position, which was exciting and flattering. Not at all possible though, but I was honored all the same. I was told that I could work part time if i didn't want the full time position. But, I have to find out the hours, I am really hesitant about leaving turtle. I'm not sure Unchici would be available for that time; and I am not really ready for her to go to "day care" no matter how culturally extensive it is. There are things I'm really liking about the On campus day care, but I'm not thrilled that we would be going into cold and flu season and she would be exposed to who knows what. No, winter is our time to hunker down as a family, and stay away from most public places.
The bottom line is, I'm' not ready for her to be out in the world just yet. There will be more than enough time for that.
It's a lot to digest, but i follow my gut, and my gut is knotty, so I'm inclined to say no; even though it would be a big financial help and a really great career opportunity for me.

But this is the eve of turtle's 2nd birthday. I love that I have had two solid years with only her and i, and all my time is devoted to her. I'm not ready for that to change. She is independent enough,secure enough, that when school time comes, she will be out the door, blowing me kisses over her shoulder. Then i will go on to my next steps. But for now, I will enjoy this time, soak it up, revel in it, roll around on the floor with her, see everything through her eyes, just be.

There is so much more to say. I have such news from the weekend, such tales to tell, but now, I'm tired, and turtle is starting to stir, so I'm going to go crawl in next to her; enjoy her one more night of being a one year old.. for tomorrow she will have blessed our lives for two years. I can't believe it. On on hand, it feels like she has always been here, and on the other, I still remember the day she was born. The whole process of her coming here, the wonderous day of her birth; every minute since then. The good, the scary and the tiring.
It has always been worth it.

Like I told my dear friend KA this weekend... the hard times, the intense times, all pay off when we look at our children who reflect back to us the reward of being who they are fully, being secure, happy, well adjusted little beings who know they are sacred.

We've hit the two year mark, and I'm proud of us. (Mihgina and I) We are doing it the way we said we would, and we are so blessed to have this beautiful, sacred being, who makes the journey soo rewarding and soo fulfilling.