Friday, August 7, 2009

Look, listen!

Well fair season has kicked off around here. Today turtle and I went up to the rez for the TC fair. It was cute, there were a handful of cows and calves and about 4 goats. And one steer. Guess who won grand champion. haa haa. It was sweet. Turtle LOVED it! We got some goat advice, and I was able to see what tame goats look like, haa haa!

It was a long day though, and humid, ugh, nasty humid. We tried to lay down in the van with the a/c going, but turtle was too excited, and she'd nurse, but she fought sleep. So, we finally got up and watched the little bird band. They were pretty good, cute as anything. But when they got done, I was so hot and turtle was tired, so we headed out. We drove through town, because I was going to go to the store, but turtle wanted to go right home. So, I headed east toward home. We crested the top of the hill, and I looked in the mirror, she was out. Dangit!
So, i drove up to the barn, and mihigna and I decided to go back down to town to p.h, and hopefully she wouldn't be too mad when she woke up.

She woke up when I took her out of her car seat, and she was happy to see her At'e. But when we got to the booth, she melted down. Crying and not wanting to be touched. But, she was on the edge of the booth, and she could have easily fallen out. I told mighigna to pick her up, she didn't want to be picked up. I walked over and offered her a variety of things, mni,(water) asanpi pte, (milk) kapopi, she didn't want anything. She pushed me away and was crying. By this time, the other people were looking at us with scowls on their faces. I scooped her up, walked over by the entrance and just stood there a bit. I asked her if she wanted to go to the van, no. Did she want to get down, no. did she just want to stay right there. no. Did she want asanpi. yes. So, I dried her tears and told her we'd go back to the booth and have sanp. We walked back, and I nursed her. She switched sides, and was in a better mood.

I thought it was a good example of how we need to just block what everyone else is thinking and how they are looking at us, and pay full attention to what our child needs. I knew she was tired from being up so long and having a late nap. I knew she would be inconsolable for a bit, and just needed some holding time and time to cry. I gave her what she needed and it was all fine. I don't/didn't care what anyone around us thought. I didn't care how they looked at us. I will not bend my child to fit societies needs. She is a fabulous, amazing, intelligent, sweet, well mannered being, and I will encourage and foster that.

Times like that are also easier for me, because she is just like me. I get googly and out of sorts when i have not had sufficient sleep or when I have slept too late in the afternoon. (After 4.) And there is nothing that can be done, except to be held and nurtured and then it all passes. I never got that. I was always expected to bend and mold to societies rules and expectations.

As preschool time looms in the distance, I grow torn. She is so smart, she will hardly be going there for her abc's and 123's; (she already recites them) but she is, like me, a HUGE social butterfly and will enjoy socialization. She, LOVES people. But how will I, be ok with putting her in school that expects cookie cutter children and writing with your "correct" hand, and rules and regulations that are more for the teacher's happiness than the students? I have asked Mihigna repeatedly, how do we put our beautiful, sweet, heard, polite, sharing, child into a world where children are ignored for phone calls, other children don't share, hit, bite, etc, say horrific, mind blowing things, (NOT in a good way.)And talk about shows, products, media, things that we don't allow into our home? She is this perfectly intact little being. I don't want the world to break her. I don't think we have "bubbled" her. She gets out, a lot, socializes, plays with other children. But I do think that our home is a oasis, a utopia; in the sense that we have manners, we speak kindly to each other, we LOVE each other. There is respect, acknowledgment, unconditional love, in our home. When she speaks, we listen. We really listen. Actively listen.

The greater world, is a cold, selfish, self absorbed place. Have you NOTICED how many parents are texting or chatting on their cell phones while their children wait for their attention? Or how many children talk to parents who aren't really listening, (much less looking,) but make distracted, empty noises/responses?

All I can hope for, is that she realizes that while that goes on out there, we don't do that in our home; and when she is with us, we will love her, listen to her, respond to her, and let her be, whatever it is she needs to be, at whatever time.
This is what I know. I am an Ina. and no matter how old she gets, or what comes along. She will always be first and most important. My job can wait, my house can wait, the damn telemarketers can wait. The world can wait. Because when I die, I want to be able to say, yes tunkasila, you gave me the most sacred gift, and I did my best to love her and give her all that she needed at all times.
I know at times I will fail, but I also know two of the most healing words in the human language. I'm sorry.

I watched a talk show once that Cher was on. She said: "I answer to two people. Myself and God." I love that. Personally, I answer to thee people. Myself, Tunkasila, and Turtle.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

1 comment:

joanne said...

these are beautiful thoughts... the love that you have for turtle is so incredibly sweet, tender, and also very strong... with this love you have planted in her heart from the very beginning, i would guess that no matter what it is she encounters "out there", as we all do, she will always have that oasis to come back to... not merely the oasis of your loving home, but also the oasis of love inside her own heart...

thank you for your kind words for me at such a tender time in my own heart...

xo