Things have been really crazy around here.
My moon is REALLY late and I didn't know what to do with that. Up until two months ago, Mihigna and I went back and forth everyday about whether or not we'd have another child. We both liked the idea in theory, but the realities of it had to be weighed against the reality of our lives.
Ultimately, we decided that having just one, provides really great things too.
And then my moon never came. Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to having another child. I know myself well enough to know what I can and can't handle. Two children would be much and I worried that I would not be able to do it well. I love that Turtle gets all my attention and devotion, and I was uneasy about how that would be split well or evenly. I worried about how that would affect turtle's life. We also said we'd put it off until she was old enough to have a say in it. Now that we might be pregnant, I worried that her life would be wrecked. I've seen far too many only children's lives be wrecked by the arrivial of a sibling. (this has much to do with bad parenting and bad preperation and after care of the first child) You could have a set of parents who did great with their first child, then they have a second one and it all goes to hell. I didn't want to wreck turtle's life. But mihigna was excited and told me that if a child chose us, then it was meant to be. I drove down to town for the test and thought it through.
Turtle was with me and I watched her in all her amazing ness. She is so full of life, light, love, trust, openess. She is here because she chose us. She wanted us, she loves us. She had faith that we were the parents for her. I knew that if she had sibling, he/she would have the same amazing qualities that Turtle has. that this baby to be, would be joining us in the same way, the same capacity, the same destined path that turtle came to us. I knew it would all be ok. I got excited as I took the test; looking forward to anther pregnancy, another birth. I loved everything last time. I looked forward to both, but especially the birth. I, am a woman who makes pregnant look fun and sexy, and does a kick ass job of giving birth naturally. I was equally excited that now, I'd get to share that with turtle. Instead of two in the delivery room, we'd be three.
The test was negative, but I didn't believe it because it said that when i was pregnant with turtle, and she was really there. I could feel her.
And so I was ok with it. It would all work out. I welcomed this new life, and would start the preperation.
Then I woke up this morning and my moon came.
It is what it is.