Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Turtle days

It's about 2:15 a.m. I got quite a bit of writing done, so I'm almost caught up on my class papers. yey!

Tonight, I put turtle to sleep telling her of the day she was born. I used to tell her that story every night, she loves hearing it. I love telling it.

Last night, I watched the season finale of The secret life of the American Teenager. (I'll explain why in a minute.) And her baby was born, and I got all teary eyed. It was such a powerful event, however fictional. But I couldn't help think about being in labor with turtle, and the awesome event of her birth. I remembered through my tears how two years previous, mihigna and i had been watching a movie in which a woman gave birth, and it made me cry. I looked over at him and he was crying too. That was our horrific year. The year we lost two babies, back to back. It was hard to watch that woman in that movie give birth when we were hurting so grandly. It moved me that he was crying, unashamed.
And two years later, I watch anyone give birth, and I cry. But this time, it's happy tears.

At the commercials for the show last night, I asked him questions about our labor and birth. I asked him what the best parts were, what the worst parts were and what the hardest parts were. I'll post those answers later.

I watched the above mentioned show because I wanted to see what angle they took on a 15 year old getting pregnant. Were they going to condone it, were they going to paint it as some easy peasy thing, or what?
I will keep my opinion on it to myself. But now that she has given birth, the real work begins.

It wasn't until I was pregnant again that I realized how truly devastated I'd been at our losses. I was completely out of my body and completely out of my mind. There is no better word than devastation. That is what it was. It made me do really stupid things, and behave really stupidly. I lost a best friend over it,(it wasn't all my fault, but I had my part in the dissolution of our friendship.) and it's a wonder I didn't lose my husband. It is such a comment on how amazing he is that he saw me through it all.
But, anyway, it's two years later, and we have this gorgeous turtle who keeps us in the moment every day of our lives. And we couldn't be more grateful. I spoke to one of my nephews the other day and we were talking about turtle. They have always shared a special bond, and he said. "Yep. you're dream came true." I didn't know what he was talking about so I asked him. he said. "You dream of having a child, and now you have turtle." SO right. The funny thing is, my dear friend EH came to see turtle at my house when she was days old; she looked at me from where she was sitting and said: "Well, your dream came true."

Geez, was it that obvious? Haa haa. But I know it was. Because when you are that drawn to having a child, you wear it like a strong perfume. People around you can't help but notice. It's palatable.
And even now, as hellish as it seemed back then, I wouldn't change the way she came to us. I know now, what I wish I would have realized then... I was meant to be a mother, I just needed to remember it wouldn't be on my timetable. When I held her in my arms for the first time, that was glaringly, lovingly, powerfully clear.

And that is one of the many lessons I've taken into motherhood with me.

1 comment:

daisies said...

this brought tears to my eyes ... good tears, the kind that are accompanied by a smile. intimately knowing the pain of losing two babies, it makes me happy to know that you were able to grow your compassion and find a happy ending with your turtle :-)

while my story does not have the same resolution, i too have found my own peace and that is all we can ask for isn't it :-)

i think losing friends during the transitions of grief is unfortunately a normal event or so i have found. i find that sad but when i think of the beautiful friends i have gained, it somehow seems as it should be (if that makes any sense)