Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Wana slolwaye ksto.

Tonight, I gave a reading from EFTB; and it was a really powerful night.
As SBC introduced me, I was startled by some of the things she said. She said that when she saw me the first time, as that young naive student and lost little girl, she wanted to take me home, lock me in her house and protect me. I never knew she felt that way. In fact when I was in her class, I didn't think she liked me. Back then, I was all consumed with who did or didn't like me and why.

SBC mentioned the paper I wrote at the end of her class back then as well. I was a very angry young woman. She said that she still has that paper to this day, that she has kept it, and it is a testimony to how far I've come. I shudder to think about that paper, I was hoping it got tossed out and forgotten. That was the beginning of my "writing career" I figured no one would care what I had to say. Little did I know.

After I got done with my reading and talking to the class, she spoke again, and talked about how she was there at the wacipi when i came back; she watched me struggle with all thing things I struggled with, she wanted to jump in and save me, but knew she couldn't. She knew I was angry but she also knew it was because I had been very hurt. Even after I left SGU and went on the the University, she kept tabs on me, she would send messengers out to "check up" on me. If anyone returned from the U, she's ask them, did they see me, was I ok? Once she'd been assured of my safety, she'd relax.

Now, looking back at the past ten, almost 11 years, I'm amazed. SO much has happend, my life is so different, I am so different. I've learned so many things, had so many people looking out for me, most of whom I was not even aware of. When Tuwin died, I was heartbroken and thought myself an orphan. As cunksi grew inside of me, I realized, I was never an orphan. NEVER. I've always had someone looking out for me, caring for me, loving me all along. Even when I wasn't aware of it.

In my latest published piece, I say "...For me there will never be another Tuwin." What I see so clearly now is, There will never be an Alyce Bear Shield, but there are and will be many Tuwin ki who will love me, support me and be there for me.

Even when I'm not looking.


SBC and the whole Lakota studies program pushes Kinship. I understand now, and see it in action. In 2002, my Ate' gave me my Lakota name, Tiwahe Wica Yu Wita Win, Gathers family together woman. I am proud of this name, and grow prouder of it as the days go by.
I understand this name and the duty attached with it.

I will live it.

I'm grateful to all the people who love me and support me and have stayed by my side as I've stumbled and grown, waiting patiently for me. For understanding where I was coming from, even when I couldn't always understand it myself.
It is because I came home that I was able to grow and become the person i am today. I love who I am, I love my strength and my solidity, my perseverance and my grit. But I was only able to get to this place because others loved me, supported me and understood me unconditionally.
For that I will always be grateful.

I'm not done learning or growing, and that excites me!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

blechyness.

There are times in the fragility of life smacks you right in the face. It's been one of those times these past few days.

As I wrote before, we went away for the weekend, and we all got sick. Cunksi and I continue to be sick. Cunksi is never sick. It had us very worried. I don't want to go into the long details of it all. She is slowly getting better. We are fairly sure we know what made her sick. It's not viral, it's respiratory. We stayed in a hotel with a very bad heating system on Friday night, and we're pretty sure that is what caused it. I don't care about me being sick, i can work through it, but to hear my poor daughter gasp for breath and wheeze and cry; it terrifying, and maddening. We have done such a great job keeping her safe and healhty up to this point, I feel like an ass for putting her in a situation that I should have thought through. It's all mute point now, I know. I'm just vocalizing my anger and frustration. No, my helplessness. That is the worst feeling a parent can have.

Tonight, I learned that a dear friend of mine went to the hospital with kidney stones which caused her to have a heart attack. She is alive, and recovering. Thankfully.
I'm so grateful. I would have been devastated if something had happened to her. She will be coming home tomorrow.
Tonight, as we watched over cunksi, mihigna and I spoke of the scary direction health care is going in. IS IN. This is a discussion we have a lot. But now that we have a precious little turtle to look out for, it's most important. Please make health care better Obama. My friend was in peril because she went to IHS, and they suck.
I've nearly been killed by IHS at least 3 times now, I KID YOU NOT!!!!
Thank god, we have health insurance, so turtle does NOT go to IHS for health care, but in most of my experience, insurance paid health care is not much better. (Save my ob and my pediatrician at yankton, they ROCKED!!) So, maybe it is rural health care that sucks. ohh, such a long topic i could discuss.

But i should let myself calm down first so I can do it rationally.


We're so blessed that cunksi has not been ill, we're so blessed that she was born healthy, has remained so. I don't forget that, and I thank tunkasila for that everyday.

But as I hung up the phone from talking to my friend, i reflected on what she said, "I knew something was wrong, I knew I wasn't taking good care of myself, wasn't eating right. But, I was too busy trying to care for the world."
That is the dilemma so many of us Winyan get into, and it needs to stop. WE need to stop it, we need to make that change, we need to realize, if we don't take care of ourselves, we wont be around to take care of anyone else.
I.Q, I'm so glad you are safe, I'm so glad you are coming home. Please remember you are loved by so many, and we need you to take care of you so you can stick around a lot longer.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

weekend

What a whirlwind weekend we had.
We headed to the big city to hang out and do some shopping. It was stressful getting there, because we were told that the interstate was closed, long story short, it wasn't, but there was some ugly weather.
we got past that and to our destination. That night, I got to spend some time with my dad (birth) and my stepmom. He is in the new movie Imprint, so we all went to borders to see him (and the other stars of the movie)sign autographs. It's really cool, because my dad is going to be 90 this year, and this is his 37th movie. He really loves making movies. It was fun, but we didn't get to stay long, because turtle was tired. So, we went back to the hotel and tried to crash, but she was overtired, so sleep did not come for a few hours.

Somewhere along the way we all got sick. or something. We are all having nose issues and turtle has a cough that is of concern to us. We think it is from the dry forced air from the crappy hotel we stayed in the first night up there. But, either way, she is not feeling well and neither are we. I'm consumed with worry over her.. mihigna has me so paranoid about pneumonia because of her cough. I need to go find some holistic remedies for a baby and a nursing mom. I put vicks on her feet, which is helping so far. She has never been sick really. once last year, she had a small cold that lasted three days.. but other than that, she has never been ill.

I'm tired, there is more to say, but I'm merinating right now, so there isn't much I'm ready to say.
I'm going to go write, or work on my paper.

Toksa,

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

baby talk

When cunksi was newborn, mihigna and I discovered the baby language. We learned it and it really works. This was fabulous for us, in communicating with cunksi, but it was also very hard when we would go out in public.
Once you learn the language, you can't unlearn it. When you are inpublic, and babies are communicating all around you,but their needs aren't being met, it's very hard and extremely painful to listen to. Often times, other mothers don't want you help, they feel liek their toes are stomped on. But sometimes they do, so we would help people where we could.
Last night, I got to see the baby language applied universally. I knew it was, but to see it work outside the US, was really awesome!
We were watching that series Mark and Ollie, it's about these two guys who travel and live with different tribes for periods of time. Well, last night they were with the merenga, (or something) tribe. And the tribal women were holding a meeting while all their babies sat in slings, and intermittently breastfed. (SO AWESOME to see them not shamed out to whip out a boob and feed their babies, or to see some repressed woman run up to them and throw a blanket over their head!)

When they were done holding council, they started speaking to the camera, (with a translator) and one mother's baby was in the sling, out of the line of sight of the camera. But, as she spoke that baby started saying, "neh neh neh" which for those of you who speak baby, know that means "i'm hungry". It was soo cool!!

It's also really cool, because even when your child gets older and can communicate using words and phrases, they will still fall back on this old language. The other day, cunksi ran into the kitchen and said, "Neh neh neh" as she clambered up on me.
It was just really cool to see that it IS universal, and to see it in action in another country, as well as babies in slings, because it's natural and instinct and not just because it's "cool" and "in".

Monday, February 9, 2009

A letter to Baggs

I just read girl's gone child's post..and two people popped into my head who do that for me.

Baggs this is for you....


Even though we go at it like dog and cats, and we definitly have our dichotomies, no one else shares the long tangled history we do.

No one would ever be able to understand why we do what we do, or act the way we act. No one knows or understands why no matter what words are hurled in the moment, we will never be broken, we will never be able to walk away. You are my cuwe, you are my Wi, you were my Ina.

All the shit we have put each other through and most sane people would have walked away and given up a long time ago, but not us. We are bound together by trips where children stand in the rain, we are bound by dreams of opening stores and having a word of the day, we are bound by scary, soul baring, talks in the dark car, while we skip class; (and eat really good ice cream.) (Thank you by the way for trusting me with your wounds.) We are bound by walking through hell and living to see another day. We are bound by long nights hiding under the covers with only each other to hold onto, waiting for the sun to rise. ( Holy S*** we ARE NDNZ!)

We are bound by wounds,
joy,
tears,
anger
hurt
betrayal, (our own and others)
uncontrollable, unending laughter,
inside jokes,
looks,
phrases.
We are bound by sisterhood, we have been broiled in the fires of life and
strengthened by the love of and for each other.
You have been there for me when you couldn't even be there for yourself, you have let me act like an idiot and not cared or shamed me, even though the boy you liked was 10 feet away. (don't remember? here's a refresher...Um, hello fatty? yah, this is skinny.)
You are my heart, you will always be in my heart.
I love you. I always will. thank you for everything.. and I do mean EVERYTHING. For the good, the horrific, and the ugly.

(are you crying yet? sorry.) ok, one other thing. In all my life, you are the only one who I have written so many damn poems about.

Now, for the fun part. I leave with you these snippets.. to dry your tears.


Snippets and some sisterly advice....

um...hello fatty? do you know who, um, ... ate the tubby custad?

Whatever you do..don't go up the stairs... you're going up the stairs! Now what are we gonna do?

Don't forget your angry eyes!!!

knock knock... aphe ista oto wispaye!!

I'm gonna kick you all the way to shut your piehole camp!

I don't care if he IS santa claus!!!

I can see you with my hitunkala ista's!!!

if it is windy and you go to play outside.. don't forget your floaties!!!

sorry, the penguins still aren't coming home.. they liv at muy houth!!!!

*don't catch ska.. (or you know what)

I love you.
Thank you again. I've grown because of you too. (See, just cuz i run faster, doesn't mean I don't learn too!) LOL!!
-You will always be my baggs, and I will always love you for it.
What's under there?

Bebe's got a neewwww pair o' shoes!!!!

Well, so much happened today.
some really great stuff, and some really rotten stuff. I will talk about the really great stuff.

I spoke with and spent some time with all but two of my intown friends today. Ironic, i haven't spoken to most of them in weeks,(my bad) and then boom, all in one day, I"m either talking to them on the phone or seeing them in public...

Am I dying?



HA HA HA!! (Get it?)

Anyway....Then, I come back home to put turtle abu, and Turtle's Unci breezes into my house, and wants to take us shopping. So, twist my arm geez. (HA HA. joke.) So, we go, and she buys turtle these amazing new shoes, that....SQUEAK!!! I LOVE IT!!
And so does turtle!
She wore those babies right out the door... no worries, they were paid for.
Then we ran some other errands and Unci left for home. But we had a nice visit, and turtle was in 7th heaven.
Then I make dinner and mihigna comes home, and turtle shows him her new squeaky shoes, and we all play and have dinner, then some really great family time that has me rolling on the floor in laughter. See, in case I haven't told you before, for those of you who don't know us; mihigna, is one of the MOST HILARIOUS people you will ever meet, and turtle has inherited his sense of humor. so, when they are both here, I'm always laughing. I finally got her to go to sleep which is why I'm up doing this blogging.

My life totally rocks, it really does. She (and he) are so amazing, it's beyond words.
Like I said before, I had something really rotten happen to me today, and mihigna and I talked about it while he was home for lunch and helped me feel so much better about it. And then, the family time helped of course, because who could not look at those two and NOT feel blessed? They are like divinity on earth.

I know i say it a lot on here, but really, they are TURTLE LOVE.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I got tagged, fun survey

Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!

Let's see how much you remember!

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? YES

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? YES

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? Elated and nervous because of previous losses.


4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? NO

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 33

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? Intuition

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? I don't remember.. we kept it to ourselves for at least four months.

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? YES


9. DUE DATE? Labor Day 07. I kid you not.

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? OH yes I was sick everyday for the first three months, and only had four hours of my day where I wasn't sick.

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
All kinds of things, the first three months, all I ate were BK whoppers and pickles. Then i ate all the fruit i could get my hands on.
I ate pickles by the jar(the large ones, the vat kind.) and cherries by the quart.

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? NOTHING. I Was totally thrilled to be pregnnat

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Girl

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? NO, I wanted a girl, and knew we were having one. (intuition and a dream)

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? 15 pounds

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
Yes

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
I was given two, and I knew about both of them.

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Absolutely nothing went wrong.

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Yankton SD

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? From start to finish, 5 hours and 26 mins.

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? My husband

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? My husband

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? completely natural

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? NOPE. NOTHING. I DID IT ALL WITHOUT DRUGS, AND IT WAS WONDERFUL AND FUN.

27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 6.9

28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? Two days after her "due date".

30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?

31. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? 16 months

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Flat as bread

Update on my bread.

It didn't rise. Not one bit.
It rose in the bowl, while i was letting it rest, but once it went in the oven, it just sat there.

I was muchly sad, my spirit was as flat as my bread. Maybe it wants some HFCS.

I must try again.

EFF you sweet suprise.

SO, I was reading the new postings on my list of blogs to the left, and happen to see that the ads by google space, said :
HFCS Mercury Studies
High fructose corn syrup is safe. Mercury study outdated—Learn more.
HFCSFacts.com/SweetSurprise


WHATEVER!!

This subject will probably be one of those subjects that are long debated, and never agreed upon..until someone, or a lot of someone's drop dead.

Ads by google should really monitor their content.
I'm sure it popped up because of my post, and it just hits on key words. I should start blogging about sex or boobies and see what happens then!!!!

I'm so funny, I make myself laugh.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Pants on fire people

I HATE that commercial trying to get people to start consuming, or continue consuming products with high fructose corn syrup,saying there is nothing wrong with it. THE LIARS!! Anyone who is capable of doing an iota of research for themselves can find out the horrific things that have been PROVEN scientifically that are caused from HFCS.

Well, if you still don't believe it, you keep slurping up that HFCS, and enjoy the mercury that has also now been found in it.
Yep, I got an email from mother Earth News just this A.M, giving me a list of all the products that contain HFCS and exceeding amounts of mercury. Go here for the information.
http://www.healthobservatory.org/library.cfm?refID=105040


Scary stuff!!

Thankfully, I don't consume many of those things, but did find the hunts tomato catsup from when I bought it to make home made silly putty. we no longer have it.

It is just more reason for me to stop buying pre made stuff and start making as much stuff from scratch. We are pretty good about this, but we have always bought bread from the store, something we will NO LONGER be doing after this report. Thankfully, this month's issue of Mother Earth New's has some fabulous, easy, bread recipes. So, as turtle sleeps and I type this, my bread is rising.
I will report on how it goes, I have NEVER made a loaf of bread in my life.

This weekend was fun, lots of fun. It was founder's day up at SGU, so we were up there a lot. Turtle and I did the fashion show on Friday, in our Regailia, and she was so funny! She was up there waving to everyone and smiling, she is totally going to be a wacipi princess... (like Ina, like Cunksi.) Anyway, then we hit grand entry, and she zonked out. On Saturday, we hit grand entry again, and she looked so adorable in her little regailia! Sunday, we hung out at home, had lazy time. It was nice.
That is all the updating for now, I'm off to get some stuff done while turtle sleeps.

Toksa,
MBB