Friday, October 3, 2008

Serendipitous

I was just reading Mother Risings post.. and it could not have come at a better time.
Today, yesterday too, has been VERY hard for me. I have been freaking out because turtle isn't eating as much as I feel, she should be eating. I"ve tried to let it go, but it's hard. She has been extremely whiny and that has been tough on me, because I have needed a break, but she refuses to let her At'e take her. I've been afraid to say outloud that I need a break, because I'm afraid of what people will say or think. Last night, she threw a huge fit at the dinner table and I got upset. I was upset she wasn't eating, I was upset that she was throwing a fit, I was upset that I was so fricking tired. I was upset at the situation, not at her, but mihigna pointed out that at this age, she doens't know the difference.
I felt like total shit.
The worst mother in the world.
I should know better.
I should have handled it better.
So I have been beating myself up for it.
But I read the interview with Jan Hunt on mother rising's blog and I don't feel so alone and crazy anymore.
I hold all parents to a HIGH standard. BUT, I hold myself to an even HIGHER standard.
Mihigna and I have been fighting the last two days. This is unusual for us, but today was especially bad. He left for work pissed off, and I wasn't in a very good place. I picked up the phone today and called my sister; the one I grew up with, the one with children. First, I apologized to her for not truly understanding where she was coming from, and that now that I have a child, I COMPLETLY UNDERSTOOD. I told her everyting I was feeling and that I have been afraid to say to anyone about it, for fear of them not understanding and judging me. No, not even that. My fear was NOT BEING HEARD. She heard me.... and helped me without judging.
I needed that.
I am in a much better place now that I was... and I'm grateful
I will be going to get Jan's books.
I wish I could meet her in person.

I have learned so much in this last year.. things I haven't talked about. I have a lot to say, but I am usually to tired to really post what I want to/ need to say. I will start making the time.
I have learned a lot this last year. About myself mostly. But about others too.
Thank you cuwe, for your words and your unconditional love. Thank you Mother Rising for your post, and thank you Jan Hunt for your wonderful words and wisdom.

2 comments:

Wendy said...

i hear you.
xo,
wendy aka mother rising

Meaghan said...

I hear you, too.

I have at least one moment every few days that I beat myself up for as well, a moment that confirms my suspicion that I am, indeed, the worst mother in the world.

But we're really just doing the best we can. Some days we do better than others.

Give yourself a bit of a break. This motherhood thing isn't for the faint of heart. You're doing just fine.