Thursday, October 30, 2008

HAPPY HOLLOWEEN!!!!


OMG! My turtle is the cutest!!!!
Yep, if you can't see it, she is a turtle for holloween! SO CUTE! and she loves her costume too! I had to order it, and it came in teh other day, she wanted to wear it right away, so we put it on, and took these pics!
Tomorrow, she will be in a Halloween parade!
More pics to come!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

walking in sun

Turtle's costume came today, and she imediately wanted it put on, s we did and omg! It's so cute! I took pics, so I will download them and get them on here. My dam O on my keyboard is acting up...s there will be some missing. anyway.
I went for a walk with my walking friend this AM and met a new friend E, she is the mother of three bys and she is very nice. Turtle had fun and we all enjoyed a beatuiful walk. She lives out in the country and I'm MONDO jealous of her place... 20 acres of BEAUTY!! Damn, I'd never leave if I lived there! Effing gorgeous! So, we will all do it again.. I loved having a bit of nature about me, as did turtle. All around us, there were long horns in the pastures.. something turtle was over the moon about! She also got to see guineas... and laughed her head off at them.

It felt good to be outside.. and the sun warmed my bones and lifted my spirit. I've been in an odd place lately and wasn't sure if it was because I was feeling lonely. It wasn't until I had a child that i realized how valuable female friendships are. Well, that isn't true. I knew how valuable they were when I lived in Verm town. But before I had achild.. I could spend hours sitting and visiting with them. Here, I don't have real tight friendships like I did there. My one friend works full time and my other seems only to be a walking friend. we walk in the morning, then part ways and don't talk until our next walk really. I'm fairly social and outgoing, I like having connections to other people. So, today was lovely, hopefully we will do it regularly.

Monday, October 27, 2008

As each day goes by and turtle gets more and more mobile, my time to clean my house, cook, shower, post, get smaller and smaller.
It's because I am SO focused on her, every minute of my day is about her. I'm sure there is some balance I need to find, maybe, but it feels right. Life IS all about her, and someday, when she is a teenager, she will not need me, nor want me focused on her every move. I will still be doing so, just in a different way.
Parenting starts long before you hold them in your arms, and continues long after they are in clothes they can change themselves.


Turtle has been in an odd place all day..fueled by not enough sleep, and sore teeth. Tonight, she had a crying jag which turned into a meltdown where I couldn't figure out what what was wrong. I finally figured it out... her At'e had turned off her fish tank, and she wanted to do it. So we got up and she did it and she was fine. I need to figure out how to help her let me know what she wants better. She knows and uses the signs for eat and more, but I think I need to teach her more signs. It is hard to watch your little one get frustrated because she can't make you understand.
I'm so tired.... I feel like I could sleep for a loooonnng time.
The weather is supposed to be nice for the next couple of days, so I'm hoping we can get out in it. I"m not ready for winter... not yet... not with a wee one.
I still haven't gotten any ideas for great indoor activities to do with her... so I need to come up with something... she is liking t.v a little too much. I never wanted her to be intersted in it; but then we discovered the wonders of Jack's big music show. Oy... I'm hoping I can wean her off it without too much of a battle... i figure do it now before she gets too much older and it gets harder. This is of course my doing.. I take full responsiblity for it.. and man am I kicking myself!!!
ok. leaving now, to go sleep or post pics... or something.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

parenting

I jsut read Cry it out's post.... (see link at right) it was hilarious!
It got me thinking about how stay at home parents are... the wonder and the challenges we face, because we always have to be on top of our game coming up with things to do with and for our little ones.

I took some time away from the house tonight, to do some work for the screenplay script...(more on that later) so turtle was with her father. And he is great with her, they love to spend time together and I always ask about what they did when I come home, because mothers and father do things differently. Lately, turtle's big thing has been..Baby in the basket... where she climbs into any laundry basket and insists on being drug about the house... which is fun, but very tiring on our arms after awhile....so mihigna, being the resourceful man that he is... tied a heavy rope to the basket... and voila, no more tired arms and yet baby can be drug about until she get's bored. I asked him what else they did, he said they played chase, played with her hogan (fish) they are fake ones that swim abut in a cool mist humidifer; she loves it!! Then they read books, she got tired and I came home. I'll post pics on here, because it is soo cute to see her in that basket.. no worries, we make sure she is safe and not in any peril.
But i always love to ask what they did, because since I'm with her all day, sometimes he comes up wiht fun things to do.. things i dont' think of.
It's been a bit hard for me this week, because the cold air is setting in and I'm hesitant to take her out in it, even though she can be bundled. so ok, I'm jsut lazy and don't want to go out in it, since she has warm clothes for cold weather, but I don't. I never understood why my sister stopped shopping for herself after she had children.... now that i have a child.. I TOTALLY GET IT! Hence, the no warm clothes for me.
it never did snow... but they keep saying it is go ing to.. we'll see. Tomorrow, turtle and I will be going out to the falls to see what we can see, she loves hiking and it gets me out of the house. I like it once i'm out there.. it's just getting the motivation to do so.
I need to start coming up wiht some ideas for when it is truly too cold for little turtles to be outside, crafty fun project perfect for advanced little ones... so my cyber momma friends... please send me ideas!
ok.. the moive news. The scriptwriter has been sending me his treatments and we have been doing edits and such... and we are almost there. we have to wrap up the ending and then we..well, he sends it off to the people who will fund it or not, and we will take it from there. I am being elusive right now, because i don't really want to get excited about it until he gets the funding and a "go" to do the actual movie. once that comes in, i'll be more open about it.
but for now, I'm really excited.. the guy is fabulous and very talented, and has produced some other really great pieces; i'm honored to be working with him.

hang tight.. more details to follow!
take care!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A very boring post

Turtle sleeps. Mihigna is teaching his MMA class. I have some time now, to do something. I'm not sure what though. I always get like this at night... like a butterfly on acid, floating about, with lots to do, but not exactly sure what I want to concentrate on.
First, let me address the comments that have been coming in, thank you, they are all lovely. I'd like to respond to them, but I don't have your email addy's so please send them to me at my email: mzrogue@gmail.com.

I was able to get turtle down at a decent hour tonight...her sleeping has been a bit off lately, not always, but often enough. Yes, I'm one of those mothers who do worry that she isn't getting enough sleep. Her napping seems to be doing well, though, one day she will have her regular two naps a day and others she will only have her morning nap. Is this normal for other babies? I try not to worry, but sometimes it is hard. She has never had sleeping issues... as a matter of fact, from the moment we brought her home from the hospital she set her bedtime. By 7 she was ready and down. these days, it's closer to 8 sometimes. But if she is tired, I'll put her down when she tells me to. She will literally walk me into the room and point to the bed. She's soo smart. Anyway, I'm babbling on about sleeping, probably not the most exciting topic. I'm just getting words on the page.
I'm really quite boring this evening... sorry.
I'll go do something else, if I think of something more fun to say.. I'll come back.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

SNOW!!!!!

It's gonna snow!! I"m so excited! Granted, I live in a town where I don't HAVE to get in my car to go to the store... so I don't have the heavy worry of having to drive in it. Mihigna will drive, but since he is only like...five blocks away..no worries!

I had a tooth pulled today. And since he may read my blog.. I will not mention much about it. Other than... I was living on ibuprofen until after turtle's afternoon nap. I didn't eat a lick of food until 8 p.m. this evening.
I miss Matt Knutson, DDS... the sweet, gentle dentist in verm town.

SIGH.
But I feel better without the broken tooth in my head. Yah, forgot to tell you that story. oh well.
There was a LOT of pain.. and tears. and ibuprofen.

Anyway..moving on....SO!!!!
I got the rough draft of the treatment for the movie. Very powerful, very intense. I find that funny to say since I'm the author of it!!!( The piece he is using for the movie.) It made the hair on my arms stand up... to see my story in "live form." So, I have to take notes and we'll have a conference on it tomorrow or the next day.
Holy shit..this is really gonna happen. I can't believe it.
I gotta go now.. turtle is waking up.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

So fricking tired

I don't know what is going on wiht me, ever since I got back from Rapid, I have not been the same. I have been really tired, on and off this week. Today, I have been utterly exhausted.
On friday, turtle got her MMR shot. UGH. Mihigna and I have been toying with this idea since she was born, do we, don't we? I've done as much research as I could, read He's Not Autistic But... and still was not 100 % sure of what I should do. So, I had to take a deep breath and "jump" and do it.

OMG, it was horrible. Thank god they don't HOLD them down here, like they do in Yankton, and they let me hold her, but the way the nurses build up to it, it makes it worse, nerve-wracking for me, and turtle knew something was going on. Ugh, it's horrible. They told me this one wasn't a intramuscular one, but it stung. So, they did it and she cried... and she nursed right away.. the only comf0rt I knew to give her that would help. It did, but it still broke my heart... I HATE being the person who allows someone to hurt her, greater good or not. Even now, two days later, it makes me sick to my stomach. It is so hard for me to see those tears in those precious eyes. UGH. then, it left this big red streak on her leg and a raised bump. So, I got her home and got her some tylenol. Thank god, I live right around the corner of the clinic. Then she slept and she was and is, perfectly fine. The bump is gone, as is the redness. Her leg doesn't hurt. So, she is back to her wondeful self.

She spend a lot of time with her At'e today.. which is always nice to see, and she wanted to go everywhere he went.. so sweet! I'm glad when she does that, because I worry that they don't get to spend enough time together because of his crazy long schedule.
It's midnight, i should go to bed. I'm really tired. I need something.. but I'm not sure what.

Finally..some words

turtle sleeps.
I am too antsy to do the same.
This week has been wonderful, and hard and beautiful and painful all together.

I took turtle to the park, the waterfalls to get some fall color pics.. only the weekend I was in rapid, they got cold here, so most of the color went away. Turtle loves the waterfall, and the river, and she couldn't understand why we couldn't get in the water, like we usually do. then we drove slowly home and on the way discovered this small farm tucked away in the woods, so we stopped, and played with all their animals... they had all kinds of chickens, wiht tiny newly born chicks.. and great farm sunka's (dogs), and Igmus (cats) and goats, and a llama, and a long horned Pte (cow). It was fabulous and turtle was well in her element. I could see us having that kind of set up... my hope for an acreage was renewed.
It was so fun! On the way out of the park where the waterfall was, the cows were out and all over the road, so turtle started saying Pte, (lakota for cow) and then moo. It was soooo adorable!!! And that pic of her with the flower, that wa s
My daughter is the bomb!!

Ok, I said I'd update on teh whole movie thing.
Well, I spoke to the guy, he is very nice and has great ideas, so we're going to go ahead with it. He will be writing up a treatment for it this weekend and send it to me today. I'm excited. He knows his stuff, and he totally got the guts of the piece he is using. I'd also sent him my poetry manuscript to see if he could gleen any inspiration from that.. and he LOVED it. I told him thank you and I jsut wish a publisher would love it! LOL!
So, the movie is a go. What he has to wait for now, is funding. I'll keep you posted.
Ok, off to do Ina things now.
more when I know.

Friday, October 17, 2008

new pics...to eventually be followed by words..






But for now, I'm putting baby to bed... she's had a hard couple of days, and needs her Ina.
Toksa, Rogue

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Where I start talking about a great conversation but then stumble onto my soapbox again....oops.

I had a phone conversation with Jan Hunt tonight..(the natural child project.org) It was so affirming to be speaking with some one who knows exactly where I'm coming from and has the same beliefs of children that I do, regardless if they are mine, hers or one walking down the street.
The end of our conversation left me feeling assured that I am doing it right and that when you are AP parent, a holistic parent, or any form there in; it really is about your gut. Books can say so much, but what you know to be right for you child; (and by extension, you) comes from your gut.
The came at a serendipitous time, as her call came as I was walking out of a conference my commiunity was having on the services available... a services fair of sorts. The presentations were kicked off by a woman from the salvatin army. She ran her speel about how they ring bells and where the money goes. I asked her how would someone get ahold of her should they need services.. I gave the following example: "Let's say someone comes up to me on the street and says: "I'm homeless." Where do I direct them?
Well, this was her reply:
"People who are homeless want to be homeless." My mouth drops to the floor. I looked at her and said;
"Excuse me?!" My eyes must have read volumes, because everyone got that "oh shit" look and got the "quiet" that comes with it. I looked down the table at everyone who was looking at me incredulously. They looked away.
She stumbled on about the services they offer, as I looked at the people around me...some of the women were looking at me, watching me. What they were doing was trying to read me... after all, wasn't I an Indian woman, surely I understood about poverty and homelessness.. who was I to question such a statement from a woman who worked the trenches all day everyday?

I just wish someone would have questioned my questioning this woman...I'd have LOVED to explain myself. But they never do. They will sit there and judge you, question your motives, make up stories, theories, ideas about you, but ask you directly what would motivate you to challenge someone on that statement? NO. Never. I have my own theories as to why it never gets this far.. because believe me, I'd LOVE to answer them. They, unfortunatly can't/won't offer the same to me. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what it is about me exactly, because in 2005, in Vermont, at the NBF writing camp, i was detailing a story to some people about an exchange I'd had with a homeless man. They got soo irate with me, telling me I was stupid for talking to him, how much danger I'd put myself in, and how I'd better be grateful I was still alive to tell the story; that I'd better wise up and stop having such a big heart. I started crying. Literally, crying. HARD.
I was soo hurt and so upset that they could NOT see/hear what they were saying. That they had gotten to the point where they could walk away from another human being in need, and not feel a GD thing... broke my heart. I felt for the man I spoke with on the street, I felt how alone he must have been/is. Later, the two people who I had been talking to came up to me and still couldn't understand why I was so upset.
That day, we were having classes on playwriting, so we had to write a stage play. Perfect.
I wrote a performance piece on a homeless woman. I wish I had kept it, it was fabulous. My point was that I was trying to get people to see it from this woman's point of view. Which, before I go on too much on that, let me pop in the fact that I was thinking that these "services" people needed to have a mandatory inservice where they were mandated to watch the documentary "It was a wonderful life" IF you have not seen it, rent it from netflix and watch it!!!!
Anyway, back to the play. I can't remember it all, but I put things in there like: "I like classical music. My favorite color is red. I am a daughter, a sister." and in between, I was having to ask people on the street for change. It was really pwerful, because the people who were passing by ran the gamut of paying attention to me, ignoring me and looking sympathetic and helpless. My point, if you are not getting it, is that just because someone happens to be homeless doesn't mean that they deserve to be looked over. Which is what made me cry with the two people at the table... the pure coldness of it all.
whew... that was heavy. but I am affected deeply by these things. Everyone is a human being and deserves some kind of acknowledgement. (Now I say that, but if I was forced to give that very same "humane" treatment to a pedophile, child or spouse abuser, I can't honestly say I could live my own words.)
Ok..sigh....deep breath.
I realize people can become jaded in the trenches, but still to say that in a room full of proffessionals, was not only unproffessional, it was unethical.
my husband doesn't agree.
Please, cyber world, weigh in. Am I expecting too much of people, am I being ridiculous?

**In with the good air, out with the bad....in with the good air out with the bad.*

Ok, i'm Off to decompress a bti.. and I will be back for more blogginess...that is less heavy.

finally....pics






I've finally gotten around to downloading the pics from the camera... can't type much, baby is scrambling about....finding all kinds of peril, but here are the pics.
enjoy...more later. tonight is Ina Maza skan skan
till then-

Monday, October 13, 2008

Rest In Peace, Kitty

the world is a bit smaller tonight, a bit less bright.
A dear cousin of mine, (from my adopted family) passed away this evening after a hard battle with cancer. Alcohol and cancer are the two things that have taken my family members from me. I'm waay out here and they are in IN. The funeral will be on friday, and I doubt I will be able to make it.
She was a wonderful person, she raised beautiful, wonderful, well adjusted children to adulthood, she has a wonderful, kind, gentle hilarious husband.
she will be missed.
she had the best laugh.
The world is a bit smaller tonight.

Kitty, I'll miss your presence here on Unči Maka, but I know you are happy now. Oy'aka Tuwin "Mitakuyepi," ki Mis. Uŋsičilake, Mani wasté.

more updates

Ok, so the hills trip.
One of the major reasons we went there was to hit the natural food store to stock up on the things for turtle, that I can't get for her here. But, she needed a nap so badly on sat, that we put her down and let her sleep till five.... the store closed at five and wasn't open on sunday. So, I guess we'll be ordering some things online. It kind of stinks too, because we are so far away from anything like that. So we had to go to wally world to see if they had anything remotely appropriate for her... not really. I had picked up some organic crunchin' grahms for her at one walmart we went to on one of our travels, but it seems that it wasn't at the rapid one... because they had little if NO organic food for babies/toddlers. They had baby food that was organic, but turtle has never eaten baby food, and refuses to start. (can you blame her?) So i picked up some organic teething biscuts, to see if she would use those... haa haa haa. she looked at me like i was nuts. So, we'll be giving those to her litte friend who doesn't care what she eats and happens to be teething.
I was able to get some BPA free bowls with suction cup bottoms as well as more BPA free spoons.
I turned turtle on to the yumminess of cheese curls the other day.. so i picked up sme Cheetos natural cheese curls. That way she can enjoy them but I can relax knowing she isn't injesting nitrates and other ickiness.

I am having to learn to let turtle have her tantrums without stepping in right away to make it better. So, on sunday when we went to our old coffeshop haunt.. she had a tantrum and we made it through it. It was pretty painless. I let her have it, and within seconds...she did that peek thing to see if we were reacting and when she saw we weren't she got up and moved on. I hope it will continue to be as easy.. I HOPE.

In House news.....we are NOT buying it after all. There have been some things that have come up and we have decided it would eb smarter for us to not do so. I'm not dissapointed though.. I'm a bit relieved actually. Now we are open to whatever.
On the drive home yesterday... it was so beautiful... the hills in fall are gorgeous. We were talking about how we need to figure out where we want to be.. and we both feel liek we belong in SD.. it's just home. But where in SD is the question. Even though we are only nine miles from the state line....it really makes a difference.. now it takes us three hours to get to rapid instead of the 2.5 it would take from Mission.

more to come

Sunday, October 12, 2008

weekend

Well, we left for the hills on friday... and man. it started out badly, we were rushed because we were worried about weather, then mihigna was stressed from work, and then cunksi broke down on the way from white river to murdo..which STRESSED ME MAJOR!!!! There is nothing that puts me in panic mode than cunksi crying and escalting and me not being able to help her calm down. (i was driving) On top of that.. the weather was rainy and misty and we had to worry about it freezing.
BUT, we finally made it, and went to bed!!!
the rest of th weekend was pretty fun. we woke up today to snow.. but it melted befre i could get a pic, i was packing up the car.. and then it was melty and not as pretty.
ok , i gotta go. more later, when i'm more coherent

Friday, October 10, 2008

wow and a bit of a soapbox rant.

I got an email from a friend who is a professor and I met him when he was at Colorado College last year when I was brought in as a visiting author. We have maintained contact and he let me know that there is a guy who wants to use my story as a movie script. Mihigna thinks I should do it. So, I will call the guy this weekend, and see what he has to say.
wow, exciting.. but scary all at the same time. I will keep you posted when I know more, but wanted to let you in on that bit of news.

My concerns are: it will generate more work for me, which is great.. but i worry about the time it will take me away from turtle to. (She travels with me now, and will continue to do so. Thankfully, it is just built into my contract that she comes, and it isn't negotiable.) But more work means, I need to have time to write, and prepare for presentations... which is time away from turtle. Which as most of you AP parents understand... my whole year has been spent focusing mainly on turtle, I'd write when she was sleeping when she was younger. Now that she is older and mobile, watching her is all I do all day.

And see, we had a master plan. Mihigna would travel with us when he could but when he couldn't come, we would have a nanny that would travel with me to my readings and be on duty while I was reading or giving presentations or sitting on panels, or whatever. Unfortunately, that hasn't worked out, because the person we had for the job, her life fell apart and she backed out. This left us having to looking at agencies. SCARY. See, I WAS a nanny, I LOVED it. But the corporation I worked for, was through, did complete background checks, extensive interviews, trial jobs, etc. So the parents who were getting us, KNEW they were getting a reliable, trustworthy nanny. I don't feel this is the case anymore. I would go through the agency that hired me, but she doesn't do that anymore. And it has been enough years that I've been away from the nanny business, not to mention I've never been a nanny or had one in SD OR NE. It's scary as hell. But what do I do. This has been a dilemma for us, because I continue to go on readings, presentations, ect. Mihigna comes, but he can't continue to come and so my scedule is done around his, when he can take the time off, etc. But now that she is older, and soo very attached to me, it's gotten a bit more difficult. When I gave my reading at the conference, mihigna watched her, but at the end of my reading, when it was Q&A time, she refused to be apart from me anylonger, adn I had to have her come out on the floor with me. She was well behaved, and quiet because she had her Ina, but there was a comment on my evaluation (from the public) that said they felt it was unprofessional. WHICH brings me to another point.

To the above comment I say.... PISS OFF and deal with it. We practice attachment parenting, and therefore, the child comes with the package. In Lakota society...we do not put our children in one place while we are in another. On that note.... I'll bring up another advantage of AP.... when your child is with you all the time, no matter where you go, they LEARN how to behave in public the proper way. If you are constantly shutting them out of your activities, they will not know how to behave, because they have not been in that environment to learn. Turtle knows how to behave in public, because she has been in public since she was born. In Vermillion, she would sit quietly with me for hours while I visited with friends. Now granted, there are some things you need to provide to your child to help this process. Like, age appropriate toys, and things to do to make them content. There is a website by a woman from another country who wrote a essay, or book, or somethign on this very subject... I need to find that again.. because it is so important for people to read that. But she talks about the very same thing. Bringing your child with you where ever you go, shows, has and promotes the same benefits as carrying your baby in a sling.
Ok, sorry to get on a bit of a soap box, but I had to say that.

If I offended anyone, I'm sorry. Please let me know and we can discuss it.
Ok, I'm off to write a bit while turtle sleeps.
Be well, and thanks for listening. Feel muchly free to comment!!! :) Other perspectives are always good, and I know I sometimes need them.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

note to self

Future topics:

turtle's birth

Asanpi is best

My diaper adventures: (cloth buns are best baby!)

My take on education: we don't pray in a church, we don't learn in a building

EDUCATION! EDUCATION! EDUCATION!!!!! Plus girls night and other such things

Knowledge Is Power people!!!!!
Ok, first, I had "girls night" tonight with my friend DB, and we watched "Baby Momma" which after that, got us talking about such things.. as she is trying to have a child. I wondered if it was hard for her to watch since the movie was advertised one way, but was really another way.. they always do that and it's irkes me. I thought it was going to be a lot FUNNIER than it was, because hello, Tina Fey was in it! Anyway.. maybe I didn't find it as hilarious because I was aware of the undercurrent of the storyline. One woman's LONGING to have a child. I've been there, done that.. It SUCKS ROYAL SHIT. Now, as my friend sat next to me, I had to ask her if she was ok watching this. (She was.) Anyway... so we were talking about when she had her baby......and I always use the word when never, IF. (I HATED that word if when i was dealing with infertility stuff.) Anway, we were talking about delieveries and the DRs here... and she was telling me about how she was going t have a Csection.... which of course tripped my trigger, and I started talkign about c-sections and the real reason DR's do them, which brought up the movie, "the business of being born" which, every being with mammory glands (and dicks too) SHOULD WATCH, whether you have children, are planning to have children or KNOW someone who is having a child. MOST important info. And, info that those of us practicing AP, have already known... I feel comfortable saying "have already" because if you are an AP, I"m pretty certain you did everything in your power to make sure that your child was born stress free and intervention free as possible.
I really have to check myself in these conversations with other mothers, or soon to be mothers, because I live in what can be a bass ackwards town...and while the people here are great and kind, they parent MUCH differently than I do. My stroller strolling friend who I see everyday doesn't believe in present parenting... or co sleeping, I gave her a sling that she won't use.. (too bad too, it's a nice sling.) And she was relating to me her stories about her "sleep training" her daughter... oh, when she tells me these things... I cringe... it's soo hard for me, and seems so cruel. But again, I KNOW what happens to a child when they are left to cry, physically, psychologically, and emotionally. So she was telling me more about it today and asking me what she should do and I said: "I am not the one to ask because I Co-sleep." This after she had gotten done telling me about how she didn't want to "spoil" her daughter by letting her sleep with her. I directed her to the Parenting Baby to sleep website as well as Jan Hunts.... so hopefully she will go.
I've gotten up now to tend to turtle, and have lost my train of thought...

I guess I want to say that it is hard to parent when the "majority" parents do differently than you. The only like minded parents are those who I have/know in cyber world. But at least I don't feel alone.. that helps.
I will post turtle's birth story on here.. I always want to, but it is long, and I don't usually have that much time. But I will get around to it, eventually.
We are heading up to the hills this weekend... yey!! I"m psyched, I LOVE going to the hills; yet another perk to living back home. And it is really fab having turtle to share it with. It will be great too, because it is finallystarting to act/feel/look like fall. I LOVE fall!!
OK. for now, that is all... if I remember where I was going.. I'll come back and tell you.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Ina maza skan skan

It's about 9 p.m. Turtle sleeps in my lap, her long eyelashes wet from tears she shed earlier. Tonight is my "Ina" night. so, I usually head out for about two hours for some "me" time. This is what keeps me sane, this is what gives me some space to breathe while I know she is home wiht her At'e, happy and having fun. But tonight, she didn't have fun... she's having seperation anxiety and will not let me out of her sight, much less out of her touch. Literally, she has her hand on me or in mine all day. I love this, I'm glad I can make her feel safe. But, still a Ina needs some Ina time, so I left her in the capable hands of her At'e. When i came back, she was snotty nosed and red faced from crying. Of course, momma bear kicked in, wanting to know how long she'd been crying.. he said fifteen minutes, and I demanded to know why he hadn't called me to tell me to come home. He said snottily: "You needed your time." which imediatly pissed me of, cuz dammit DON'T EVER hint that my alone time trumps my daughter needing me... I was MAD.
It was all emotion and nerves, and I felt better once I had her calm, nursing, close and asleep. Some guilt tried to rear it's ugly head... but fuck that. I didn't do anyting wrong.. and if I blow off the Me time, I will blow my top.
I'm learning.
He came in a bit ago and apologized for being snappy. I told him that what upset me was knowing she was in distress. He explained to me that it wasn't a solid fifteen minutes she was crying and that she had fallen down, which upset her, (she wasn't hurt) and he had just gotten her calmed down when i walked in the door and she melted down again. I know this does happen. Being seperated from teh main caregiver does make babies melt down once they are reunited... so I felt better.
Somtimes it is hard to know all that I know abut child development. Too much knowledge CAN be a dangerous thing. Becaue when I see that turtle has been crying.. I need to know how long, what precipitated it, and so on. I know what happens to a baby when they cry, so that is always why I need to know HOW long was she crying, what caused it, etc.
But, she is good now, calm, alseep.
I've started wearing the sling again.. because she needs to be in such close contact wiht me. I love that thing. I had to buy a bigger size, but it still works, and I love that she knows what it is, and she will request to be in it. Slings are wonderful things, and such a neccesity for attachment parenting. I have some stories to post on here, but I will cme back in a bit and do that.. I need to tend to somethign else, but I will be back in a bit.
if you notice that sme of my O's are missing.. it is because my O on my keyboard is being wierd, sometimes working, sometimes not.
back soon.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Turtle Toes


The pic is really sloppy, but she's still sooo cute!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

A story about YOU

Mi cunksi,
when I was a teenager, my then boyfriend insisted that I go with him to see the movie, LION KING. I'd seen the previews, and I could tell someone in it was going to die, so I had NO desire to see it. I didn't like those kinds of movies, where they make you fall in love with someone from the movie, only to have them die. No thanks, real life was hard and sad enough.
But somehow, I gave in and went to see it. I'm glad I did. It ranks as one of the best movies I've ever seen. In the beginning, when Mufasa presents Simba to the animal kingdom, I CRIED! It is probably one of, if not THE most powerful scenes in the whole movie. I cried because even as a cocky, cynical teenager, I could see the powerful love and pride (I'm tearing up now, just writing this.) that Simba's parents had for him. I knew that when I had a child, this is how I would feel, proud, and that my child's life should be celebrated.
The movie ended, life moved on and I mostly forgot about that movie.

Many moons, life experiences and losses later, your At'e (not the above mentioned boyfriend) and I were blessed with you. In our culture, (Lakota) we have a welcoming ceremony for babies when they are born. You were no exception. We had a welcoming ceremony for you. Many people came and said beautiful things about you, read you poems, blessings, sang you songs, and welcomed you. These are people who had been on our journey with us as we waited and longed for you. I spoke, your At'e spoke. There were many, many tears, (HAPPY TEARS) shed. And when we were all done talking, your AT'e held you over his head as we presented you to the world, and those in the room. Believe me, if I'd had the capability, I'd have had that song or video playing in the background. Everyone clapped and cheered for the "official" presentation of our little turtle! Now, when I hear that song, circle of life, I think of that movie, and it's power, and now, I always think of you.
I love you, thank you again for choosing us as your parents, the honor is ours.
unsicilake pi lila tanka,
Ni Ina na At'e.

Not crazy

The last few days around here have been haggard. I began to question everything about myself and my parenting philosophy. Then I read Jan Hunt, and exclaimed, "that is exactly what Mihigna and I have been saying!" Jan Hunt is the brain behind the Natural child Project. Her child rearing techniques/beliefs mirror ours. I'm/we're NOT crazy.
I never really thought we were, but when you are in place where people do things so differently than you, and you are overwhelmingly tired, you begin to question: Is it me or them? I've always known that Mihigna and I are NOT the typical people, but I've always loved that, I knew we wouldn't be typical parents. But, as time has gone on, and people start telling you that you are doing it wrong.. they don't say this in so many words...because you want the BEST for your child... you start thinking, maybe they are right, and I"m wrong.
But I feel much better.... I needed to just ignore everyone else and listen to myself,, I know this, but somewhere I got momentarily lost.
Do you know that my child is 1 year old.. and knows what a kazoo is, and how to "play" one? She has known this since she was 8 months old. She is playing one right now, made out of a paper towel role... she is soo smart.

I have to run, turtle is pulling me off to play.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Our first playdate

Turtle had her first playdate today. She loved it! I got together with one of mihigna's co worker's who has young children, and we met at the park. They had a lot of fun. Mihigna joined us and we all tried out the swings and played in the dirt and gathered hazelnuts for roasting. It was fun. When we first got there, turtle's new little friend, R, took her over to the swings and then fell down wiht her.. scared the begezzus out of her At'e and I, which then scared her, and she commenced crying. I picked her up, checked for blood, (there was none) held her close and then nursed her. She was ok, just scared, because her parents got scared. After a bit of asanpi, she was off playing again. No worries. It's funny to see that when it comes to stuff like that, I'm the calmer parent. mihigna used to be the grounding force, but now I seem to be. Perhaps it is because I am with her all day everyday, and know the difference in her cries, so I am able to discern right away when something is really wrong. I'm grateful for that too though, because the VERY first time she fell, holy shit, I nearly lost it too, I was a panicked mess!! But I saw how much that made it worse for turtle, and have since learned that you have to be calm, or they will really freak out.
I feel bad for mihigna, he is gone so much of her daily life, he doesn't get to get those nuances, so I can understand why he'd be scared. I'm glad he's such a good At'e. There are many men who would rather be on the golf course or off hunting on a beautiful fall saturday, rather than at the park with t his wife and child. Turtle and I are VERY blessed.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Serendipitous

I was just reading Mother Risings post.. and it could not have come at a better time.
Today, yesterday too, has been VERY hard for me. I have been freaking out because turtle isn't eating as much as I feel, she should be eating. I"ve tried to let it go, but it's hard. She has been extremely whiny and that has been tough on me, because I have needed a break, but she refuses to let her At'e take her. I've been afraid to say outloud that I need a break, because I'm afraid of what people will say or think. Last night, she threw a huge fit at the dinner table and I got upset. I was upset she wasn't eating, I was upset that she was throwing a fit, I was upset that I was so fricking tired. I was upset at the situation, not at her, but mihigna pointed out that at this age, she doens't know the difference.
I felt like total shit.
The worst mother in the world.
I should know better.
I should have handled it better.
So I have been beating myself up for it.
But I read the interview with Jan Hunt on mother rising's blog and I don't feel so alone and crazy anymore.
I hold all parents to a HIGH standard. BUT, I hold myself to an even HIGHER standard.
Mihigna and I have been fighting the last two days. This is unusual for us, but today was especially bad. He left for work pissed off, and I wasn't in a very good place. I picked up the phone today and called my sister; the one I grew up with, the one with children. First, I apologized to her for not truly understanding where she was coming from, and that now that I have a child, I COMPLETLY UNDERSTOOD. I told her everyting I was feeling and that I have been afraid to say to anyone about it, for fear of them not understanding and judging me. No, not even that. My fear was NOT BEING HEARD. She heard me.... and helped me without judging.
I needed that.
I am in a much better place now that I was... and I'm grateful
I will be going to get Jan's books.
I wish I could meet her in person.

I have learned so much in this last year.. things I haven't talked about. I have a lot to say, but I am usually to tired to really post what I want to/ need to say. I will start making the time.
I have learned a lot this last year. About myself mostly. But about others too.
Thank you cuwe, for your words and your unconditional love. Thank you Mother Rising for your post, and thank you Jan Hunt for your wonderful words and wisdom.

MAJOR UPDATES!!!

I have some serious updating to do!!!!
Exciting things, and annoying things, and everyday things.
First and foremost.
WE'RE BUYING THE HOUSE!!!
We made an offer and she accepted, so we're gonna be homeowners!!! Cunksi will get to grow up in a house that we own with her very own sunka or igmu I"m much more excited now than i was when it first happened, because we had to play the real estate game, which pissed me off. I HATE GAMES!! Other than board games and active games, i mean. But, now i'm over it and we still got the house for a good price.
So, yey! I'm excited because i think deep down, we both fet this was the right house anyway. The yard is better, and the fact that we will get to work on it, wil truly make it our own. The other house was move in ready.... but i think it was soo nice that we'd have been afraid to mess with it too much, and then, it wouldn't have really felt like OURS. So it's better this way.

Second.. I finally got to go hiking wiht my friend again... and we ran into a rattle snake!! it was cool and scary all at the same time... scary because we were caught off guard and K was well within striking distance. It was about three feet long and at least five years old and nice and fat. It was ok though because the babies were in the backpacks, far out of harm's way. (She has a 5 month old little girl.)
Hmm, what else... i know there is more.. but i can't think.
I"m tired. Very tired. I"m sure ther is more, but i can't remember now, so i'm gonna go and when i remember I'll come back.