Monday, September 15, 2008

Dog shit among roses

I put turtle to bed, and got up after she fell asleep. I read some blogs that I regularly read, and the posts were heavy. One woman is dealing with the suicide of her 17 year old nephew. She wrote about how she can't even imagine how his mother must feel. My mind went there as well when I read the words. What a horrific devastation. Here, in Indian country, suicides have become the norm.. sadly. My friend just lost her stepson, and her other children are devastated. Her daughter and I are friends, we met when she and I were wacipi royalty. We see each other often on the wacipi trail.
She is so incredibly devestated.. I saw her and had to look twice. It is sad and amazing how loss can change our lives so increbibly. Physically change it. It can age us in a minute. As I was watching my friend and noticing how hard this was on her, how she seemed to exude her immense grief, my mind went to how in one instant and by one choice made by another person, so many lives are changed. It's so incredibly powerful. It also reminds me of how I always say and think: someone somewhere is affected by another's actions. whhh, it's all so heavy and sad.

In another blog I regularly read, a woman is dealing with the heavy news that she will never conceive a child on her own; she wrote about how she can speak cynically of it to people she barley knows and yet she can't speak of it to her friends and family. The heaviness of her burden and fear and yearning wafted through the computer screen. I've been there, I know of the loss and fear and yearning she has. I am so grateful for turtle. I know how hard it is to yearn for something almost obsessively, how you lose sight of everything else and only those who have been there can truly understand. About two years ago, I sat at a table in a coffee shop with a friend and burst into tears when she asked about how our journey was going. This woman and I became friends because I was constantly babbling on to anyone who would listen about my desire to have a child. She spoke very openly to me about her struggles and that helped a lot. To this day, she is one of my dearest friends. To be heard, in anything, is so important. When we had turtle, she was one of the main ones right next to us, rejoicing with us. And don't get me wrong, there were MANY people who rejoiced when turtle was born. She was everyone's baby. And she was and still is SO VERY loved by so many people. My life is beautiful, and I try not to forget it for one second. I"m so very grateful for my situation and have empathy for those who are having a rough time of it right now.
A big sigh, the dichotomies of life. It's like dog shit among roses... something so beautiful mixed in with something rather gross, stinky and undesirable.

Life is hard, and I wish I could envelope both these women into healing hugs. I hope things get better for them and I wish I had a magic wand to make things all better. Sometimes, life can really suck... but when it doesn't, it is truly amazing. We don't know, where any of our journeys will take us, but if we keep going.. it will be worth it. Eventually. I jsut hope these women hold on, and surround themselves with loving, nurturing caring people who will understand, validate and support them. That is what will make this rocky time a bit easier.

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