It's been a very heavy day for me here.
I having mommy issues. My husband told me to go eat something this evening, so I left the house, and drove v e r y s l o w l y to get some pop. It was lovely.
I came back and was feeling a bit more like i could handle being a mom, but still fucking racked with guilt for feeling so damn tired, so less than humorous, a bit like "what the hell have I gotten myself into? and a bit like I'm not doing enough for her to allow her to reach her full potential.
I came home, cuddled cunksi.. who was cuddly, thank god, that helped my esteem, and we went to bed. I was walking her into bed and tearfully asked hubby if he thought i was giving her all she needs, is she getting enough from me, am I doing enough? He told me yes and wasn't sure what else I could possible do for her that I'm not already. This simply made me cry, because I don't know... but I still worry. I feel guilty because i don't know if I'm supposed to just be a mom, or if it's ok that I still want to be the writer/artist. Is there a way to balance both without sacrificing cunksi's needs? No one has any answers for me other than "put her in daycare."
um.. NO. I'm not a fan of daycare. But i tell you what, after these last few days... i sure as hell wouldn't mind a live in nanny. So, she fell asleep and i was trying to think of who i could call to discuss how i'm feeling without someone telling me i'm a complete ass for feeling this way.
i didn't find anyone.
I just got up a bit ago and read scarbie dolls post. www.scarbiedoll.blogspot.com
I don't feel so guilty.
or so alone.
someone else feels the way i do.