Thursday, August 21, 2008

It aint always roses... why the hell don't they tell you THAT part?

It's been a very heavy day for me here.
I having mommy issues. My husband told me to go eat something this evening, so I left the house, and drove v e r y s l o w l y to get some pop. It was lovely.
I came back and was feeling a bit more like i could handle being a mom, but still fucking racked with guilt for feeling so damn tired, so less than humorous, a bit like "what the hell have I gotten myself into? and a bit like I'm not doing enough for her to allow her to reach her full potential.
I came home, cuddled cunksi.. who was cuddly, thank god, that helped my esteem, and we went to bed. I was walking her into bed and tearfully asked hubby if he thought i was giving her all she needs, is she getting enough from me, am I doing enough? He told me yes and wasn't sure what else I could possible do for her that I'm not already. This simply made me cry, because I don't know... but I still worry. I feel guilty because i don't know if I'm supposed to just be a mom, or if it's ok that I still want to be the writer/artist. Is there a way to balance both without sacrificing cunksi's needs? No one has any answers for me other than "put her in daycare."
um.. NO. I'm not a fan of daycare. But i tell you what, after these last few days... i sure as hell wouldn't mind a live in nanny. So, she fell asleep and i was trying to think of who i could call to discuss how i'm feeling without someone telling me i'm a complete ass for feeling this way.
i didn't find anyone.

I just got up a bit ago and read scarbie dolls post. www.scarbiedoll.blogspot.com
thank god.

I don't feel so guilty.

or so alone.

someone else feels the way i do.

1 comment:

flyingtomato said...

When you are an artist, you do not have a choice about being one. You simply are.

You should not feel guilty for having your own needs, which are separate from hers. That is what keeps you being a person--keeps you being you.

It's hard to make that decision to leave your most precious in someone else's care.

You might simply start researching the various child care centers and options--that doesn't mean you have to make the decision--only that you might find somewhere you feel good about--at least for a couple hours a week.

Miss you.