Saturday, August 30, 2008

bloggerland goodness

wow, blogger rocks!!!
I've always been partial to it, having tried out other places, blogger is still the one I like best.
And, now they have all these cool gadgets you can add!! Too awesome!
It's late, 12:15 a.m. Turtle is sleeping, after a fairly good day. We rode around town again today... and then swung on the swing, well she swung, I pushed, and she fell asleep. It was cute!
Tomorrow I get the board cut for the show, and then I'll spend this weekend mounting them, and I should be good to go on Monday.
We are going to go to some sort of old tow-y type celebration in eastern Ne tomorrow, we dont know what it is really but, we're gonna check it out anyway.
I don't have much to say, so I'll go for now.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

update...the good and bad of it

I've been busy.
The good news is, most of the photos are printed for the show... the bad news is, I may yet change my mind and print twenty new ones the last minute.

Turtle and I have been biking everyday this last week, almost all day actually. We only stop to take naps and at the end of the day when it is time to be domestic and do things like make, and eat, dinner. ah yes, you do not know about this new development in our lives. My saving grace. See, mihigna and i found a bike seat that attaches to our bikes on the bar in front of us, from One Step Ahead..(the BEST place for parents!) and we bought it, but it took FOREVER to get here, but it finally did. Then our friend, C.B put it on and away we went! You will have to see it to fully know what i"m talking about, so when I can, I'll have someone take a pic so I can post it. It is absolutly the BEST THING ever! It has a windshield and a guard that goes below to protect her legs, and it has a helmet, because you know, INFANT helmet are HARD to find!
I love having this bike, it has made my life so much better! See, she has grown bored with the stroller, it doesn't go fast enough, so this has been the perfect solution!

One step Ahead is the most awesome place we have found since becoming parents, they sell everythign for babies and children. We are buying cunksi her holloween costume there. Any guesses what she will be this year? Leave me your guess in the comments and the winner will recieve free products from my peaceful products homemade bath product line.

Today, Cunksi and I rode west on the trail and down to the bridge and looked down at the river, where we watched a momma doe and her baby play down below in the water. It was very cool.

In terrible news, Cunksi has been constipated, and it has been terrible. There is nothing worse than your child being in pain. So, I got out the acidolphilous, another MUST HAVE for parents, and that seemed to help. We looked in one of our books and it listed things NOT to give your child if constipated, and holy shit if I hadn't been giving her three of the four things on the list almost daily. I felt like a shit and a terrible mother, not to mention super guilty. eggghhh!!!! I hate that I added to her, if not caused her discomfort. Blegh, I'm a terrible mom. I hope she is all better tomorrow... I feel so bad.
Anyway, the other good news is, the invitations are out! So be looky looky in your mail boxes.
My turtle is turning one... still hard to believe.
ok, well, I guess that is all I have for now. I am going to go to bed.

Monday, August 25, 2008

oh yah...

here is the goodness update.
So, besides being the artist of the month in Sept... (this totally ROCKS by the way.)
My September is full to the brim.
The first weekend is TURTLEPALOOZA!!!

The second is my sister's memorial service at bear butte,(Sniff)

The third week is my reading at the Staying Alive conference in Omaha, too awesome that will be!!!

And the fourth, I'll be doing a writing workshop at the women's retreat over in that place that really has no name but is between winner and valentine.

So everything except for the memorial will be tons of fun.... and that seems to be the way my life is... something really shitty happens, but then all this other fabulous stuff comes too.
Life is good in that quirky sort of way.


This weekend was Rosebud Fair, the BEST FAIR in the land, and of all the year!!!
So mihigna, turtle and I went and our friends joined us, it was REALLY fun!
I didn't get our regailia done in time, so we didn't dance in grand entry, but next year, plus turtle will be a tiny tot! Well she already is, but next year she will be able to dance on her own! This year she stood in the stands drumming, singing and dancing. Too cute!!!
We got to ride the most awesome rides... my two favorites, the hurricane and the orbitor, and turtle got to ride the carousel, her favorite!
Now her b-day is coming up, so be watching for invites, to TURTLE PALOOZA!!!
It's gonna rock!!!
I can't believe she's gonna be one!
Today, turtle, maske' and I went out to the resivoir to take pics and play on the beach.. we had a blast! turtle tried to eat the sand, and the rocks, and sticks!! She loved the water, she sat down in it, then decided it was much too cold on her unzecki, and stood back up. It was soo fun!!! I have some pics, so when I get them downloaded, i'll post them.
Right now, I need to get the invites DONE and MAILED and get my photos printed, mounted and ready to hang by the 1st of Sept. I'm the artist of the month, and my photos will hang at the library. Whoo hoo!!
Now I gotta get my ass in gear!!!!
All else here is good.
for now, Toksa

Thursday, August 21, 2008

It aint always roses... why the hell don't they tell you THAT part?

It's been a very heavy day for me here.
I having mommy issues. My husband told me to go eat something this evening, so I left the house, and drove v e r y s l o w l y to get some pop. It was lovely.
I came back and was feeling a bit more like i could handle being a mom, but still fucking racked with guilt for feeling so damn tired, so less than humorous, a bit like "what the hell have I gotten myself into? and a bit like I'm not doing enough for her to allow her to reach her full potential.
I came home, cuddled cunksi.. who was cuddly, thank god, that helped my esteem, and we went to bed. I was walking her into bed and tearfully asked hubby if he thought i was giving her all she needs, is she getting enough from me, am I doing enough? He told me yes and wasn't sure what else I could possible do for her that I'm not already. This simply made me cry, because I don't know... but I still worry. I feel guilty because i don't know if I'm supposed to just be a mom, or if it's ok that I still want to be the writer/artist. Is there a way to balance both without sacrificing cunksi's needs? No one has any answers for me other than "put her in daycare."
um.. NO. I'm not a fan of daycare. But i tell you what, after these last few days... i sure as hell wouldn't mind a live in nanny. So, she fell asleep and i was trying to think of who i could call to discuss how i'm feeling without someone telling me i'm a complete ass for feeling this way.
i didn't find anyone.

I just got up a bit ago and read scarbie dolls post.
thank god.

I don't feel so guilty.

or so alone.

someone else feels the way i do.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

the good and bad of it

So, the art show came....and went.
And I got nothing.
Other than a big lesson in... not being well enough prepared for the level of which I was entering in.
Basically, the judge said:
"Awesome photos. Shitty presentation."
So, I was not happy.
But I was not happy with myself. I knew the presentation lacked what it should have. Um, after all, mighigna cut the effing mat board for me the night before.
Yah, I need to take the, MAKE the time to do the presentation better. I know this.
So, lesson learned. But the judge gave me excellent points on all of my photos. I would have won..if I had had my shit together.
So, ok, lesson learned.

In the good news dept....
I will be in Omaha in Sept for a reading...yey! I have some dear friends who are having a conference where I shall be giving my reading. I'm psyched!!!
And I just met with a couple of women with whom I, and Mihigna will be doing some work. I will be doing a workshop in Sept for women, which I'm really psyched about too! I have to run.. cunksi is waking up... more details to come.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

11 months ago.....

11 months ago you were this tiny girl with itty-bitty hands and feet, that i loved to unwrap and look at, before wrapping them back up quickly, for fear that they would get too cold.

this is a game i started with mihigna and cunksi tonight as we all lay on the bed playing as we waited for our friend to come over for a workout. cunksi was scampering about the bed, and laughing her magical laugh. I cna't belive in less than thirty days, she will be year old. I look back now and think holy hell..where did the time go? But i'm so grateful that I am able to have spent all this time with her, holding her, nuzzling her, nurturing her, and covering her with kisses. Not to mention watching her grow and change everyday. She is sooooo amazing!!! She is on the verge of walking and every evening, when mihigna gets home from work and we are all together, having family time... I love seeing how secure she is in her world, in herself and how she KNOWS she is loved and wanted and supported. I only wish all the children of the world had that.

what I do when Cunksi is sleeping


how old do you feel?: some days i feel like im 40, other days like i'm 16
where were you on september 11th, 2001?: 28
what do you believe is the meaning of life?: to keep evolving, being true to yourself and honest with others, and guiding your own destiny, not being victim to others or life
why is the sky blue?: its a reflection of the sea
what is your favorite thing to cook?: i dont know
you have only a dollar to your name...what do you buy?: based on mood, but probably candy
what would your last meal be?: I dont know
what is the youngest age you have memories of?: five
what is your favorite thing in the world?: my family
what is your most missed memory?: spending time with my aunt
have you ever punched someone on purpose?: yes, the bully who dumped milk on me in the seventh grade.
do you know what color chartreuse is close to?: pink
did you like garbage pail kids?: NO
why do we have daylight savings time?: its yet another stupid idea that this cow society went along wiht
what living person would you want to meet?: there are so many....T.Berry Brazelton, Mariska Hargitay, Alanis Morresette, Morgan Freeman,Lindsay Wagoner
what dead person?: My birth mother
where in the world would you live if you could?: montana
who is your favorite artist?: many.
who has had the most influence on you (good or bad)?: mihigna
what is your favorite dessert?: anythign chocolate
what age is your favorite so far in your life?: my 30's
can you make cookies from scratch?: yes
was the chicken first or the egg?: the egg
hershey or nestle?: either long as it is dark
night out or night in?: night in
single forever with a great family or no family and your soulmate?: what?
what is your favorite scented candle?: i dont have one
do you ever wear a wife beater?: i hate that term.
if you could live in a store which one would it be?: i wouldn't be so shallow
can you eat a dozen donuts in one sitting: no...well maybe when i was pregnant
what is your favorite curse word?: used to be fuck, now it's shit
your favorite regular word?: dont have one
have you ever read/tried to read the bible?: yes, a requirement of being mormon
who do you dislike most in the world?: i don't speak ill of others out loud
what is your ideal date?: anything wiht mighigna
would you rather marry a deaf or blind person?: what?
what is your favorite shape?: I dont know
can you eat just one chip?: NO
where is the farthest you've ever been from home?: you are never far from home when you carry it with you
what is your desktop background?: cunksi
what song do you identify with most?: mood depending....So unsexy by alanis or Not ready to make nice by the dixie chicks or Fighter by Chirstina Agulera
which movie do you wish was your life?: my life is better than any movie could be... in fact my life SHOULD be a movie
has someone ever intentionally put food on you?: um yes, which is why I punched them
what color is your favorite?: purple
what color do you feel represents you?: purple or pink
do you believe in God?: yes
have you ever broken a bone?: yes... funny story that one...
have you ever shut someone's fingers in a door?: oh thank god no.
what is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten and hated?: nothing yet
what is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten and liked?: rocky mountain oysters
what is your ideal ice cream creation?: anything
if you could marry someone from a movie (the character not actor) then who?: I have my ideal mate
what is your favorite thing to do?: spend time with family or do art
what is your favorite junk food?: chips/iced coffee/fast food
what is the longest you've gone without talking to anyone?: oh man.. do you KNOW the relationship I have wiht my sister?
what is your favorite board game?: I don't really do BORED games
your favorite book?: on the night you were born
what movie could you watch over and over again?: peaceful warrior
do you know how to change a tire?: yes. rusty but yes
have you ever eaten paste?: not since i was a kid
what is your ideal halloween costume?: a turtle
what toy have you always wanted and never gotten?: a nintendo DS
what item could you not go without during the day?: nursing pads
do you consider yourself a smart person?: YES
who was your first crush?: tom cruise
who was your first love ?: my first richard
do you close your eyes when you listen to music?: sometimes
how old were you when life was the hardest?: you obviously don't know me
do you eat the burnt chips?: no, they are little balls of carcinogens
do you still have your baby blanket?: no
is there anything you HAVE to do everyday?: be a mom
do you curse in front of family?: unfortunatly,....yes
what is your favorite tv show ever?: Greensburg
if you had to get back with and ex who would it be?: they are ex's for a reason
when was the last time you felt truly loved by someone?: everyday by mihigna and cunksi
what character trait would you change about yourself?: i'd bemore patient
3 wishes... go (no world peace. things that are possible):: health, for my family safety for my family, security in their knowing htey are loved
have you ever passed out?: i dont remember
have you ever slapped yourself in the face?: yes
have you been in a car accident?: yes...neither were my fault
favorite line from a song?: so many times we remain in chain, never realizing we have the key" the eagles
favorite line from a movie?: "Take out the garbage" (Peaceful Warrior)
what do you do when the power goes out?: either find a flashlight or turn one on
who do people say you look like?: my siblings
favorite holiday?: christmas
if you could be doing anything at all right now, what would it be?: what i am
if you could know how, when and where you will die, would you want to know?: no

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008


So, I'm getting ready for the juried art show, and trying to get some photos together for that, and not really even giving a shit if something wins or not at this point. I mostly want people to see my new work and go from there. It would effing rock if I got some yummy prize money, but if not, some contacts would be a nice consolation prize. LOL.
As a result, I'm trying to get my artsy grooove back. I feel like my artsy stuff/self has gotten put in the closet when I had cunksi. Well, everything sort of did. These last 10 months have been ALL about her. While that provides for a healthy balanced little girl, it produces an unbalanced, Ina. Not good. So, I'm trying to strike the balance back to middle. So, to kick it off, I"m having my hair done, and died. In my old fashion, it will be a cool color. I'm not revealing anything, you'll just have to wait and see!
It will be fun!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Pic of the day

Saturday, August 9, 2008

I was bored

A survey that you will remember

The Last Person You...
thought about?: mi cunksi
Looked at?: cunksi
said I love you to?: cunksi
hugged?: cunksi
kissed?: cunksi..was putting her to bed
hurt?: cuwe
Shared a secret with?: mihigna
watched a movie with?: friend D.B
couldn't stop thinking about?: no one really
In your family...
Who makes you laugh?: "she boxes"
Who makes you cry?: the tipan
Who is strict?: we're all orphans
Who is laid back: no one
Who makes you think?: mihigna
Who will do anything for you?: mihigna
Have you ever?
been skinnydipping?: No
Made a friend mad?: of course
gotten a detention?: oh yah
gotten expelled?: oh yah.. for fighting.. the punk deserved it though
threw popcorn in a movie theatre?: yah..can't remember at who/or why though.
been on stage?: yep, it comes with my job.
seen a famous person?: oh yes.
been pantsed by a friend?:
lost your voice?: yes..I talk too much
You are...
best at?...: socializing
worst at?...: shutting up
profession?: writer/artist
best friend?: mihigna
Favorite movie star?: Mariska H. and Daryl Hannah
idol?: people who strive to be better everyday
hair color?: pink or purple
favorite movie?: peaceful warrior
have you ever been in LOVE?: I'm still madly in love
favorite color?: purple
have you ever done a bad impersonation of Arnold Scshwartsenagger: HELL NO
best memory?: There are two. My wedding day and the birth of cunksi
worst memory?: We WON'T go there.
favorite band?: how do i choose?
can you do the worm?: not the last time I checked
did you like this survey?: It's pretty good

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Baby Turtle

I was getting ready for the art show and picking out pictures, and got all caught up in the pictures of my girl. Here she is in the hospital, on her second day of life. My god she is beautiful.
I can't believe she is is 11 months old today!!
She was so tiny! She was such a joy to be pregnant with and give birth to. She is such a joy to parent as well.
My girl is growing up! :) :(



Today she is trying to walk on her own. It will only be a matter of days.

I love her so! She is amazing.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Pic of the day