Tuesday, July 15, 2008

This is my reality

Mihigna and I are headed for a wall.

We're exhusted.
We're far too busy, we're far too stressed and we're doing it all alone.
Sometimes we both let go of the steering wheel and run about the boat with our hands in the air, yelling "We're in deep shit!".

Tonight was one of those nights.

I've been trying to balance motherhood with returning to my art. That alone has been the bumpiest road I've EVER gone down. I'm not doing it well. For many reasons. One, I hold myself to a ridiculously high (read: unattainable) standard, and then spend many nights beating myself up for what I should have done better in the motherhood department. All the while, the other half of me, (I'm a Gemini, hence the dichotomy) knows that there isn't a better, more attentive, more present mother out there, as witnessed in the balanced, beautiful, self assured darling girl running about.

But it is also through her that I've been completely knocked on my ass. I used to storm through this world, kicking ass and taking names....but now, I'm a bit more reserved, a slight more hesitant, less likely to storm the situation. In other words, this smallish turtle has me realizing, I'm mortal, I'm fallable, I'm breakable. I must take it down a gear, I must be a bit more gentle with myself, I mustn't leap headlong into the canyon, lest there is a prickly pear patch waiting below. Do not misunderstand. I do not regret it one iota. I'm grateful.. but I'm also scared as hell.
It was always mihigna and I against the world. We didn't care if we were only the other's company. But now, not so much. We must figure out a way for cunksi to have a door into and be a part of the world that we have often turned our backs on. We must figure out how to teach her to live in the world without necessarily living of the world.
How do we teach her of equality and loving others when we are treated unequally by those around us? How do we teach her to look past skin tone when we (and she) are faced with racism? And don't even get me started on what she will face for being born female. How do we teach her of balance when the greater world is so unbalanced? Mihigna and I have created our own little world in our home.... we get it that we have to gird our loins (and breasts) when we leave the threshold of our home, that the greater world,often doesn't think like us, or share the same beliefs we do... but how do you balance that in the mind of a sweet, innocent, baby girl? Now I've gotten off in left field....I should steer back to where I was going.

Mihigna and I were talking, because I started freaking out over the "what if's." Namely the what if something were to happen to him and I had to be the sole caretaker of cunksi? How the hell would I support us as well as he is? Scary thought. I have always ALWAYS had a plan B. Some years ago... I let go of that fear of "what if?" But now that cunksi is here, my fear of what if,,, has returned. I feel vulnerable via her. I'm her world.. we are her world. I'm so grateful that I don't have a typical job where i have to drop her at day care or where she is having to be raised by a nanny so I can bring money in. We pride ourselves on the fact that we are, (mostly) a one income family so that I can devote all my attention to the raising of her. I love that when I do have to travel for work, she comes with me. What a sweet problem to have. I remind myself of that when i start bitching about not being able to do my art/writing. I know there are plenty of women out there who are struggling with the fertility issue.. they'd give up their creative time in a minute for one second of what I have. I try not to forget... and if I do, I quickly remind myself.

Tonight i was feeling unsettled... and sort of pointing fingers at mihigna because he has been rocking the boat with an idea of starting a business of his own. Which I'm all for... but was feeling a bit uneasy about it, as this new job he has now, doesn't provide any health/life/disablity coverage. The most terrifying thing when you have a wee one to think about. We got on the subject of how quickly we jumped into him taking this job and this move back here. We both wanted it, we both jumped at the chance to be back home...closer to his family, it was more money, etc. But things have been rough. He is gone a lot, we don't see his family as much as we would like, we are renting this house with no prospects of buying an affordable house of our own..thanks very much Ted effing Turner. So, it has been hard. And when I was done vocalizing my fears, worries, etc to mihgina... he jumped into superman mode. He ticked off all the things he has to do in a single day, take care of, think about, plan for. I felt really stupid and childish. He has waay more shit on is plate than i do. I merely added to his stress. I felt badly. We were talking about where we would go next... whats our next move. If it were just he and I, we could handle not having insurance and renting indefinitely, but now we have cunksi... and that is no way for a little one to live. And that is where we were both running about the boat, screaming, with our hands in the air.

As we were laying there, trying to get perspective again.. and not be so stressed, I realized this is how marriages break down.. how people grow apart. They are so fucking tired, they can't see straight... so they choose to hide out rather than show up and do the work that marriage takes. I turned to him and said: "I know this feels really shitty right now. But just know that I know we will get through this, as we have so many other things in our lives... together. I know this isn't fun.. but I am glad to know that we are doing it together and we will keep doing so. I am secure in the fact that neither one of us is going anywhere. That is what makes all this heavy, scary, shit... worth it. And that if we just keep holding hands... it will work itself out.. as it always has and always will."
I have an amazing husband... and a beautiful daughter. Life is wonderful just because of those two things. My marriage/relationship works, because we work it, we show up, even when we are too beat to do anything else. We hold our tongues until we can say something nice rather than shoot the first nasty retort back, we stop to remember that even when the pipes have busted and are squirting water all over the newly carpeted floor, all that ultimately matters is that we are together, and wet carpets or not... that is what will get us through.
As I always say.. who needs to watch reality shows... real life is so much more interesting....and intense... than those things could ever be.
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