Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Family Diagnosis

We all suffer from the same wound,
but we festered or recovered differently.

Brother one ran down a road
and landed in prison.

Sister one inhaled smoke
and came out fumes.

Sister two swallowed shit
and now shoots flames.

Brother two dazzled in the hills
then became a permanent star.

Sister three got burned
and came out fighting

I lost my voice,
and learned to speak with my hands.

We all kept walking,
but not all of us escaped.
Some wounds festered
and turned septic.
For many of us,
death and sorrow would be our legacy.

Monday, July 28, 2008

And then all hell broke loose

My sister died


What else is there to say?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Love Letter

Mi Cunksi,
I realized today that we are two weeks away from the end of July... that means August is right around the corner and that Sept is creeping up on us.
You turn one in Sept. I'm thrilled and sad simultaneously. You are such an amazing being... ten months after you have entered this world and my life, I never tire of staring at you, holding you, kissing you. Nor do you ever cease to amaze me. You truly are the most amazing being I've ever met! You are so happy all the time... I strive to have your outlook on life... you let things go quickly, and you love EVERYONE! I'm excited and proud of the person you are, now, at this young age. I am excited at who you will become.
I have a big, exciting task ahead of me, making sure you continue to have the amazing level of self confidence throughout your life that you do now. You know who you are, you know what you want and what you don't want, and you have no problem setting your boundaries with people. Good job!!
You strive everyday to walk. You are so proud of yourself for all the things you are able to do in a day... I'm so grateful to creator that you are able to do all those things in a day.
You make me laugh and smile constantly.
You are busy growing teeth, and today they were giving you fits... I felt sorry for you, because all my tricks seemed to not be quite good enough today... I hate seeing you uncomfortable. But as long as you were in my arms, you seemed like it helped. I'm glad something made you feel better.
You like to sit in the recliner next to me and pat my shoulder as you gaze up into my eyes. You seem to be saying.."I love sitting here with you Ina." I love having you there cunksi. You are my life, my heart. I cant' believe that at this time last year, my tezi was bulging with beautiful little baby! You are so amazing... I just can't get over it. You sleep well at night..once you settle down and give in. You are just like me... always gotta be doing something.. always more important things to do than sleep. In the night, you reach for me, to make sure I'm there... you wrap your legs around me and grab a hold of my fingers with your tiny hands.
I'm honored that I'm the most important person in your world... I will treasure these times when you are older and begin seperating from me and establishing your own being-ness.
I love you for all that you are and all that you do and your At'e and I are VERY PROUD of you.
Sleep well, be well, grow well, live well. Unsicilake,
Ina nahan At'e

Monday, July 21, 2008

Skin to skin

As I type this, my little turtle sleeps on my lap. Her long lashes closed against her beautiful, chubby cheeks. She has been on me, or in my arms all day. I don't mind. As I was shopping today, the sweet lady who owned the store I was browsing in, wanted to hold her. But cunksi would have none of it, she rarely does. She loves to be fawned over, but from a distance. The lady was very sad, and wanted to just take her from me, which would have resulted in a large fit on cunksi's part. I told her not to worry, everyone who sees her wants to hold her, she is after all, so very cuddle-a-ble. But, she is also a momma's girl. She won't even go to her At'e at times. The lady wondered if that was hard for me, always having to have her on me. I told her no, not at all. I embrace it, as there will come a day when she is 16, and will hurl mean words at me, or not want to be seen with me, much less touched. In those times, I will think back to these times, these days when she insists that we are skin to skin at all times. I will savor these days when I was the greatest thing in her world and she thinks that I can do no wrong....and that I'm the best thing ever.
She makes me a better person. I am grateful for that. I strive to have the kind of outlook on life that she has. She is always happy. She lets go of things quickly, a lesson for us all.
She is the bomb.... my world and my heart. I love her so.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Finally

I figured out where my new photos went on my computer... and have now put them on my slideshow... so go look. some are old, but some are new. Either way, they are all awesome. Leave me a comment!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

This is my reality

Mihigna and I are headed for a wall.

We're exhusted.
We're far too busy, we're far too stressed and we're doing it all alone.
Sometimes we both let go of the steering wheel and run about the boat with our hands in the air, yelling "We're in deep shit!".

Tonight was one of those nights.

I've been trying to balance motherhood with returning to my art. That alone has been the bumpiest road I've EVER gone down. I'm not doing it well. For many reasons. One, I hold myself to a ridiculously high (read: unattainable) standard, and then spend many nights beating myself up for what I should have done better in the motherhood department. All the while, the other half of me, (I'm a Gemini, hence the dichotomy) knows that there isn't a better, more attentive, more present mother out there, as witnessed in the balanced, beautiful, self assured darling girl running about.

But it is also through her that I've been completely knocked on my ass. I used to storm through this world, kicking ass and taking names....but now, I'm a bit more reserved, a slight more hesitant, less likely to storm the situation. In other words, this smallish turtle has me realizing, I'm mortal, I'm fallable, I'm breakable. I must take it down a gear, I must be a bit more gentle with myself, I mustn't leap headlong into the canyon, lest there is a prickly pear patch waiting below. Do not misunderstand. I do not regret it one iota. I'm grateful.. but I'm also scared as hell.
It was always mihigna and I against the world. We didn't care if we were only the other's company. But now, not so much. We must figure out a way for cunksi to have a door into and be a part of the world that we have often turned our backs on. We must figure out how to teach her to live in the world without necessarily living of the world.
How do we teach her of equality and loving others when we are treated unequally by those around us? How do we teach her to look past skin tone when we (and she) are faced with racism? And don't even get me started on what she will face for being born female. How do we teach her of balance when the greater world is so unbalanced? Mihigna and I have created our own little world in our home.... we get it that we have to gird our loins (and breasts) when we leave the threshold of our home, that the greater world,often doesn't think like us, or share the same beliefs we do... but how do you balance that in the mind of a sweet, innocent, baby girl? Now I've gotten off in left field....I should steer back to where I was going.

Mihigna and I were talking, because I started freaking out over the "what if's." Namely the what if something were to happen to him and I had to be the sole caretaker of cunksi? How the hell would I support us as well as he is? Scary thought. I have always ALWAYS had a plan B. Some years ago... I let go of that fear of "what if?" But now that cunksi is here, my fear of what if,,, has returned. I feel vulnerable via her. I'm her world.. we are her world. I'm so grateful that I don't have a typical job where i have to drop her at day care or where she is having to be raised by a nanny so I can bring money in. We pride ourselves on the fact that we are, (mostly) a one income family so that I can devote all my attention to the raising of her. I love that when I do have to travel for work, she comes with me. What a sweet problem to have. I remind myself of that when i start bitching about not being able to do my art/writing. I know there are plenty of women out there who are struggling with the fertility issue.. they'd give up their creative time in a minute for one second of what I have. I try not to forget... and if I do, I quickly remind myself.

Tonight i was feeling unsettled... and sort of pointing fingers at mihigna because he has been rocking the boat with an idea of starting a business of his own. Which I'm all for... but was feeling a bit uneasy about it, as this new job he has now, doesn't provide any health/life/disablity coverage. The most terrifying thing when you have a wee one to think about. We got on the subject of how quickly we jumped into him taking this job and this move back here. We both wanted it, we both jumped at the chance to be back home...closer to his family, it was more money, etc. But things have been rough. He is gone a lot, we don't see his family as much as we would like, we are renting this house with no prospects of buying an affordable house of our own..thanks very much Ted effing Turner. So, it has been hard. And when I was done vocalizing my fears, worries, etc to mihgina... he jumped into superman mode. He ticked off all the things he has to do in a single day, take care of, think about, plan for. I felt really stupid and childish. He has waay more shit on is plate than i do. I merely added to his stress. I felt badly. We were talking about where we would go next... whats our next move. If it were just he and I, we could handle not having insurance and renting indefinitely, but now we have cunksi... and that is no way for a little one to live. And that is where we were both running about the boat, screaming, with our hands in the air.

As we were laying there, trying to get perspective again.. and not be so stressed, I realized this is how marriages break down.. how people grow apart. They are so fucking tired, they can't see straight... so they choose to hide out rather than show up and do the work that marriage takes. I turned to him and said: "I know this feels really shitty right now. But just know that I know we will get through this, as we have so many other things in our lives... together. I know this isn't fun.. but I am glad to know that we are doing it together and we will keep doing so. I am secure in the fact that neither one of us is going anywhere. That is what makes all this heavy, scary, shit... worth it. And that if we just keep holding hands... it will work itself out.. as it always has and always will."
I have an amazing husband... and a beautiful daughter. Life is wonderful just because of those two things. My marriage/relationship works, because we work it, we show up, even when we are too beat to do anything else. We hold our tongues until we can say something nice rather than shoot the first nasty retort back, we stop to remember that even when the pipes have busted and are squirting water all over the newly carpeted floor, all that ultimately matters is that we are together, and wet carpets or not... that is what will get us through.
As I always say.. who needs to watch reality shows... real life is so much more interesting....and intense... than those things could ever be.
Blogged with the Flock Browser

Monday, July 14, 2008

What's up

In that`space between being a Ina, and coordinating a new project for the foundation(more on that later) ...I'm learning to find time for me. The new camera has definitely helped, as you will soon see. This sat, I will be at Arts in the Park, and, hopefully be the artist of the month in Sept. But, that means I need to get my rump in gear and get work done.
All is well. I'll update again soon..go check out the new pics I've posted to the bottom right. (Slideshow)

*Rogue

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Mihigna EFFING rocks!!!!

So, I was looking at someone's darkroom the other day, because she was selling it, and I want to buy it. I want it so I can do my b&W photos myself.  I like processing myself and not paying moola to have someone do something I know how to and love to do.
Anyway, so cunksi and I came back to the house and just guess what was waiting for me?????
 My late birthday-anniversary gift.

   A Nikkon D60!!!!
 
I was effing speechless! Mihigna took care of Cunksi while I opened the box, muchly child-like. I'm so incredibly happy to have that thing... I took pictures in the house, in the dark, after cunksi went to bed.  I LOVE IT!!!!!
After Cunksi wakes up from her nap, we are heading out to snap some photos!!!

Mihigna rocks my world... I'm so effing lucky!

And trust me, I don't ever forget it either.
Blogged with the Flock Browser

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

breezily

I can only post for a minute, before I rush off to to bed, and snuggle with mihigna and cunksi.

It has been fabulous around the artichoke patch lately. Hot sunny days, a warm curly haired turtle learning to walk about, as we spend time together. We are still as intermeshed in each other as we were when she was new, but now it is different. She plays by herself more, while occasionally looking up to make sure I am still there; and then comes scurrying over to snuggle in my arms or settle in for asanpi.
She loves flowers and people and animals and nature.
I love her so.
She is my little turtle.
She still amazes me!

In other news, I have some new exciting art projects and professional projects flowering all over... that is great. more on that later. i gotta go abu.
be well, rogue