Friday, December 26, 2008

Post Christmas post

We had a wonderful Christmas! Turtle had so much fun, and amused all of us to no end!!

Mihigna has been home, so that has been WONDERFUL!!!!
And after our guests left, we all just lazed around and took nice long naps and spent some quality family time together.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about how different our lives are now, how much better they are, how complete. Last year, turtle was so new, being a mom was so new, i was still in a daze. I loved it, but I was dazed. She was so little too, I look at her now, and it's a bit sad... she's growing into this beautiful little girl. ohhhhh. and yey!!!

Anyway, she got lots of nice presents from all her adoring fans, (us included). So, she has a lot to play with. Today we spent the day playing outside in the snow, playing chase around the house, taking a few naps, with a few games of soccer thrown in.
I downloaded all the xmas pics, all 265 of them, along with many videos we took. There were some really cute ones in there. I'll post some of them.

My brain is a bit mushy.. not much thinking going on.... i may have to come back when I know what I really want to say.

Here is a smallish note to a certain person..."Annom". So, to you I say... you're fabu, it was lovely to talk to you and thanks for saying hi!!!!

more later, when i'm not so blah blah blah.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

oh oh ho!!!

The first christmas that mihigna and I spent together, we went out and bought all these decorations.. I LOVE christmas. ONe of the things we bought was a wreath made of grapevines, and it had a snow man and a little saying. WE got it home, decorated the house and enjoyed our first christmas together.
One day I happened to be staring at the wreath and noticed it said: OH OH HO.
WE laughed our butts off, and it is now our little xmas joke.
Sadly, two moves ago, all our xmas decorations didn't move with us. Oops.
They were the decorations we have had since the start of our realtionship. Now we will just have to tell turtle the story. I can just hear her saying...

"So, Ina, no more Oh oh ho?"

Ha haa! Speaking of which, she CAN say, ho ho ho. She's soo cute!!!
We are gearing up for the festivities here.
Again, like I said last year, I don't need a single thing. I got my turtle, that is all I could ever need. Who's to say in twenty five years, or when I'm on my deathbed, the material gifts I've been given over the years will even matter. All that matters is that I have a beautiful family who I'm madly in love with!

I hope you all have beautiful holidays with your loved ones!

I wish you health, and happiness, joy, growth and peace for your new year. May your troubles not be soo intense they seem insurmountable.

Be well, be loved and love others.

Happy Holidays! Happy solstice (late) Merry Christmas and Happy new year!!!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Frosty window panes....

Oh gorgeous!!
I took more photos of the window pane this morning..and it is so beautiful. I could probably do all my december views just on the frost everyday. And with these frigid temps, I may just have to do that!
I'm going to keep doing views into January. It will keep me taking pics everyday! Which is good.
I hope you enjoy!

Friday, December 19, 2008

december view

I posted my decemeber view over at my photo blog.
It's a big file, so I don't want to duplicate...sorry. But go over there and see it.. on side bar.

hope you all are warm! be well, m

Thursday, December 18, 2008


An old pic appropriate to this weather we've been having!
This was in one of our secret canyons in Rosebud..oh how I love my home!
And how I can't wait for turtle to get old enough, that she too can go out hiking, even in the cold weather.
She's much too young right now... I worry about her little turtle self getting too cold for long jaunts; as the ones to the canyon would take.

December View of Sept 05'

This is an old pic from my time at the artists refuge in MT.
I love MT. I could live there, if it weren't so expensive to buy land.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


I am doing much better.
I made dinner, and we all sat down and had it together and I was better.
I shot a video of her tonight, that I will try and post on here, she is so amazing. There just are not even enough words for her.
She just blows us away every day, she's that wonderful.
We are so blessed!
I'm going to go dink around with the video.

Thanks for your kind words and love. I muchly appreciate it!

Effing bad day

Ok, my day officially SUCKS!!!

I have been feeling pretty good that turtle is now at the stage where I can take her with me to the basement to do laundry, she loves to be down there and help with the laundry. So, for the past week or so, that is what we have been doing, Ive loved being able to finally get some laundry done... rather than waiting on mihigna, and the basement being a pigsty.
Well, that all came miserably crashing down this afternoon. I went down, changed the washer load into the dryer, picked turtle up, carried her on my hip up the stairs, and when I got to top, I got wobbly, so I leaned to the left to stable myself. In the process, I hit her head on the door jam.



Needless to say, she cried!!!!! I feel like the horrible mother. I was pissed that it happened, I was pissed that the mother fucker who put this damn house together would put the washer/dryer in the basement and then rent it family with a small child. I know, all these arguments are not totally grounded in reality... but I'm just bitching here.
I hate it when turtle gets hurt... it pisses me off, I feel so bad, like I'm not doing a good enough job, like if I look away or focus on something other than her for even one second.. she gets hurt.

I feel like shit.
She by the way, is fine now. After I made sure there was no blood, or bruising, or any other vital emergency, a boob in her mouth made it all better. (As it always does.)
But I, still feel like shit.

And I'm still pissed. It may be useless, but I'm still pissed.

Somewhere in the process, I cut my fingers. right on the knuckles, where it will continue to hurt, every time I bend them. Oh fun.

Then, I ruined the noodles I was cooking for dinner. I let them cook too long, they turned to mush.

I need to breathe deeply and let it all go.

What I really want, is someone to come in and do my laundry and cook my dinners.

I'm not a prissy -bon-bon-give-me-my-servants-while-I-sit-on-my-ass wife at all.... I'm just feeling extremely incapable today.

I applaud those wife/mothers who can focus on their children and yet still get dinner on the table, and have a organized house.

Because I'm sure as hell failing at the latter part.

I need: a hug, a long tight one.

A bath, a long..lllloooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnngggggg hot one, with candles and darkness.

A dinner where I get to feed myself with no time restraints or tending to someone else and then having to eat mine cold.

A long walk outside.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


It was the dry air!! I made sure I put the humidifier on when we went to bed last night, and i woke up feeling much better!!!
The sun is shining too, that helps, even it if is only 12*. Hey, it's better than the -12 it was yesterday!

More later, need to go tend to Cunksi.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dry winter air

I went to bed last night with a headache, and I still have one. I woke up and took some ibuprofen, just because it was so bad. I usually don't take those kinds of things. My nose is all ooogey, I'm not sure why. It sort of feels like when I have a cold, but I don't. And Hopefully I'm not getting one.

The weather is FREEZING...-14 here. So, turtle and I will be staying inside for the next few days. Hopefully I can get some housework done and some projects started.

I hope this whatever it is, goes away. I think it is because the air in the house is so dry..forced air heat. But I hope turtle doesn't feel like this, it is very uncomfortable.

December view

We got slightly tapped by a "storm" this weekend. The stroller got blown across the yard, and the snow got trapped in the door.
It provided some cool images though.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Setence and TAGGED

M over at secret notebooks, wild pages, has started this great new activity that we will be participating in.

The instructions are:

Grab the nearest book.
Turn to page 56.
Find the fifth sentence. Write it down.
Write down the next two to five sentences.

Post it on your blog...then go tag five others.

So here is mine:

Not even hound to scold.
We wait because at least we wait among what's left of us, our beads and thimbles.
Quilts. Our widow's weeds.

Out there beyond the last ridge, what waits?

This is taken from the poem: Shelton Laurel Diary: by Kathryn Stripling Byer which is from the Anthology: Birthed From Scorched Hearts, edited by Marijo Moore.

OK! Now, I'm tagging:

Breathe as Me

Red or Grey

Kim Wentz

What possessed me

And in an effort to get Rowena back to the blog world....

Have fun! I can't wait to read them!

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Perfection Personified
Mary Black Bonnet

(For Cunksi)

I sit here typing,
half longing to be next to you.
Breathe you in,
feel you smash tight against me.
Sometimes you curl into a ball,
as if you are trying to get back inside.
I wrap my arms around you; remembering.
I loved having you in my belly,
and I'd do it again in an instant.
But it's even greater having you here,
where I can caress you, kiss you, hold you.
I look at you now,
so big and strong.
Charging through the world,
knowing it's yours.
As you should.

As all children should.

Childhood should be
the world for your taking.

So go, my active turtle,
Charge through life.
Be. Breathe. Laugh. Eminate.
You are perfection personified.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Motor mouth and December view

I had never eaten a pomegranate before.. they are delish!
I took these, because they strike me as very female, they seem very much about fertility, seeding, uterine-ly fleshy.

my December View

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

New Poem

The Dark Side of December
Mary Black Bonnet

A huge chasm flows
for Lakota between Christmas and the New Year.
The date burned into our hearts, our minds, our memories;
even if we weren't there.

December 29, 1890.

When the snow was stained
with the blood of the helpless.

If you're quiet, you can hear the screams of terror,
the terrified cries of innocent babies, the trampling feet.
The horrific deafening Gun shots;
the thud of bodies.
The bitter snow underneath, as souls left bodies;
only to be bound to earth.

If you're not sickend,
you're not paying attention.

Celebrate your holidays,
ring in your new year.
But send a prayer, a song,
a whisper up, for lives lost.
Heinously, wrongly,
and forever.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Heading Out

Tonight, I grew very restless. The snow was falling and I longed to be out in it, taking pictures, listening to it hit the ground.
I longed to don snow boots and pants and my nice warm coat..and meander in the evening, watching the town fill up with snow. (How could anyone with a literary bone in their body see snow falling and not be taken back immediately to Frost's poem?)
Then come back in and crawl into a steaming bath. Drink Tea and read a fabulous book.

But my responsibilities kept me house bound.

I read December's post.. and I think i will join the challenge. I feel the need to be still for a bit.. maybe my head will clear, my muscles will un-knot themselves.
We'll see. For now, I want to be still, to sit in the dark and watch the snow fall.
I will post here.. maybe, but definitely at my photo
Join me/us.
It's's winter...and it's beautiful.


Catching Snow

I put turtle down and came out to the kitchen to see that it had started snowing.
So I grabbed my camera and stood in the doorway, (in my shorts and bare feet) to try and capture some falling flakes. It didn't work very well, but this is what I got.
Maybe I will go out later and try to get some better pics.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Christmas gathering

well, we did our extended family Xmas today, because mihigna's parents will be out of town for Xmas. It was so fun, and so wonderful. We took our family picture, and ate some delicious food! We were all stuffed, but we wanted to keep eating!!!
Turtle got some amazing gifts from her Unci and La and some great clothes from Santa!
The weather was beautiful, about 40* and so mihigna, Turtle, Tojan and I all headed out back to do some tobogganing. Turtle LOVED it! There is a giant snow drift still hanging around from that storm a few weeks ago, so we slid down it. Turtle's first sledding,and she just loved it! Unci took lots of pics, I wanted to, but I was to busy playing with turtle to do so!

Then Unci found an old promo tape of Mihigna's band, seventh generation, so we all watched that. Man, that was awesome! He had the most beautiful long hair! It was great to see the tape, and turtle got to see her Ate waaay back when.
It was a fabulous day, and now turtle is sleeping.
Life is so incredibly wonderful!

stay tuned

I have much to say.. but even more to do here, so I just want to drop in to say, i will finish my work then post on here.
stay tuned...

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I know I keep getting on here, then off. But I'm restless tonight.
I'll update you.
Remember when I talked about our land search and move and such?
Well, the land situation has been taken care of. We will soon be the owners of three acres of which to call our own. We WILL be building a straw bale house on it, and that is where we will be raising Turtle. And having a garden. And rising Chickens,(for eggs, and for eating.)Turtle will be able to have her sunka's!
I'm excited!
We were hoping to get into it by next fall, but we have decided to go with a two year plan.. that way if we end up having to do all the work ourselves with only friends coming out to help during the summer, we won't be all stressed out AND homeless.
The less stress, the better.
I'm just so excited to be able to have a place to call our own.. and stop dangling in the air anymore. That is such a relief. We've been doing that for a year now...and it was getting old. it is 0 degrees!!!!!

And I've run out of things to say.....
so I'm off to wander again.. I've got the worst case of insomnia lately.
It's from being cooped up.
Send me messages dear friends.. show me beautiful pictures! Play outside for me, take a stroll for me. Share your world with me....


it's ONE degrees here.
Glad I'm in my nice cozy abode.

blah blah blah

Finally, a bit of time to myself. I need some breathing room.

I long to go take some picutures, I see everyone else's and I'm a bit jealous.
Time will come. It's about 3 degrees here, and has been bitterly cold out the past few days. Too cold for a little turtle to be out. She's going a bit stir crazy over it to though; so hopefully it will warm a bit; enough for us to get out.
I'm excited about Christmas. I love the holidays. I love that we have snow.
I had other things I was going to post on here, but they are deep, and heavy, and sad. I don't want to drag myself down right now.. even though to unload would be good.
I have some great news though.. I found a very dear old friend. We lost each other when I headed to SD, and she down south. Ten years have gone by.. but our friendship hasn't changed.
She's so great, we can laugh for hours.

I'll be back.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

What's right (for me) isn't always popular

Cunksi has had a fever for almost two days... her first and it was Very stressful on me. She isn't sick, but she is teething and it made her temp skyrocket.
She is better now, but man, that was hard on me.
I've started numerous posts the last two days, and they are sitting in the "draft" pile.
I mostly want to say, stand up for your children, your babies. Childhood is so much about powerlessness.

I'm/we're not your typical parents. I'm glad of that. We don't FORCE Cunksi to do something she doesn't want to. If something needs to be done, I take the time to discuss it with her and let her come to it in her time.
We ended up taking her to the hospital about 12:30 Sunday night, because I was concerned about her fever; they wanted to do a CBC, even though they felt nothing was wrong with her more that teething. I agreed to it, but then they pinned her down and put the needle in her arm, even though she couldn't find the vein. Cunksi was growing more and more stressed out, so we let the nurse lady try once more and when she STILL couldn't find the vein, we made her pull the needle out, and let her up. I held her in my arms and nursed her so she would calm down. She did. And fell asleep. Mostly out of exhaustion from the stress. The nurses and PA, were mad at us because we wouldn't let her draw blood. We didn't care. I didn't want Cunksi stressed out any longer than needed, or let that nurse or phlebotomist, poke around in her skin for unknown amounts of time. I know most adults wouldn't stand for that; why would a baby?
Many people give us shit about how we are raising our daughter, they want to know WHY I'm still nursing her, (she's only 15 mos old!)Why I'm going to homeschool her, why I let her decide things, etc. I don't care what they say, I don't care if they don't like the way we're doing things. My response to them is this... when they've pushed her out their vagina, then they can have a say in how I/we raise her, until then, they don't get a vote. That is just how it is.
In the meantime, it is my job as her mother to protect her, keep her safe and teach her to realize and embrace her own sacredness and power.

I love the fact that at six months old, cunksi was aware she was a person. (She was aware of that even earlier.) SHE knew she had a say in what would or wouldn't happen to her. She had a say in who would hold her, or be in her space. By eighty months, she could say no, and know it would be respected.
I love this, I love how she knows she had boundaries, can set them and they will be respected.
I see her grow and flourish every day, she is such a loving, kind, lively spirit.
That is all the proof I need to know, that I'm doing it right.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

My little artist

We did some painting today...she held the brush on her own, we simply gave it to her.

New Poem

I wrote a new poem, it's rough. I haven't written for awhile, it will get better. (Don't copy this with out permission please.)

The Visit
Mary Black Bonnet

Turkey Day plus two,
you walked into my dream.
Apologizing your tardiness,
you were checking the kids.
We talked laughed,
I almost forgot you were dead.

We watched someone's children playing outside,
you told me to be careful, they'd need me.
Your meaning slipped by me at the time,
then the boys came.

My precursor to motherhood.

I remember the day you died...
the gut level, body wracking sobs
that come from true sorrow.
The way I hid in my truck,
cried myself into a state of sleep.

Not caring if I woke up.

We gathered together again,
found resolve to go on.
Knowing if we gave up,
you'd be pissed.

I left for my house that night,
completely spent and numb.
I saw you walking down the road...
you smiled and waved.

I knew you were home.

C. 2008

Number One Thing I'm grateful for........

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Must read

This post is a must read:

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Pilamiya' ye

The pies were a success! Everyone LOVED them!

I found out that the pie mix wasn't bad,it was just natural pumpkin, it didn't have any preservatives OR high fructose corn syrup in it. AND it was in a STEEL container, that was recyclable!
Woo hoo! Score by pure luck!

We had a lovely day. Absolutely wonderful. We had dinner with mihigna's parents and sister and her hubby, and we were joined by a friend who is the drummer for the Inipis. Turtle was loving all the attention and adoring from her fan club! She had a blast, running around and playing (charming) everyone. After dinner I was able to take a family photo. I'm hoping to make that a holiday tradition from now on. We need it.

I am truly filled to the brim this year. I was last year, but I was still coming down off my new birth high. I don't recall much other than being so focused on turtle and enjoying having my parents and grandma there.

But this year is even more wonderful because we are back on this side of the river, (the "good" side, the home side.) We are not far from Mihigna's folks who would do anything for us and are crazy in love with turtle. (who isn't though?)They are so supportive to both of us and have been so welcoming to me since I walked into their lives.
I am so grateful to have turtle in our lives, she just completes everything.
We are closer to completing our dream of having our own "place" where we can settle down and raise turtle.
I have the best husband in the world, who pulls double duty of being amazing to both me AND turtle.
My life is rich,full and wonderful, and blessed beyond measure.
All is right in my world, and I am most grateful.
Pilamiya ye.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I caved like a fillingless pie....OR...Would you like some aluminum with that pumpkin?

I was telling you all about making my pumpkin pie from scratch right?
Well, I made it.
Then I ate it.
The filling was fabu!
The crust SUCKED!!!

So I went to the store, bought a pre- made pie crust, and pie filling and made another pie.

And ate that one. (Thank god for breastfeeding and kick ass genetics.) Hey, I HAD to try it to make sure it was of good enough quality to feed to the rest of the family.

So, now I have to make another pie for the actual festivities tomorrow. That one will be out of a can, and on a pre-made pie crust.

A bit of aluminum anyone?

Live and learn.. and then get a better pie crust recipe.

Hope I made you laugh.
Happy Turkey Day all!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

New discovery

I just discovered No Impact Man, have you heard of him? If not, go check him out. (Blog on sidebar.)
Very cool, very impressive, and very timely since I'm implementing my own electric diet.
My handcrank/solar powered radio was a success, I found one and have ordered it. I've become disgustingly addicted to Amazon. Damn, what has gotten into me? I'm suddenly interested in all these things I've always shied away from.
It must be the rural living, and my amazingly sad few number of friends. OH, and the cold weather. LOL.

electric diet and turkey day

I've always been big into self sufficiency, and all things natural. I have a product line that consists of home made soap, bath salts, etc. I've made my own laundry detergent, cleaners, bug spray and such, for years. I find it amusing that everyone is now "into" it.
I am however realizing how attached I am to electricity, and how I need to pare down my love affair with it. I've always been the light turner offer and appliance unpluger. But even with that said, I spend a lot of time on the Internet, and with music playing. SO, I'm going on an electrical diet. I'm going to pare down my computer time, and my music time. I am however going to go purchase a solar powered, hand crank radio, because then I will have music but also not have to suck up electricity for it. And all of this is also for a higher purpose. Well, besides being jsut enviromentally responsible.

As many of you know, we have been searching for our little niche in the world. We looked at a few houses, and land and nixed both because of cost. We have decided. This was part of the big news, and I'm still going to hold out on some details for now. But, we will be purchasing land in SD and building a house on it. Right now, we are looking to build a Straw bale house, we have always wanted and planned to do that. We are also going to attempt to be off grid, with wind and solar power. But, I don't want to get too far ahead of myself. We still have to take it step by step. I will update as I know more. But this is why i need to go on an electricity diet. I will need to pare down my electricity use when we are off grid. You can supply your own electrcity but it will also show you how m uch you use just with your refriderator or coffeee pot. (To see this, go online and see an episode of It aint easy being green on the sundance channel.)
So, all exciting things. More when there is more to update.

For turkey day, we are going to mihignas parent's house, that will be fun. They are enjoyable people and cunksi just loves them, plus she gets to hang out with her cousin!


Miriam Makeba has passed away, she was an amazing South African singer. I discovered her via World link tv.
Go look her up and listen to her music.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Saturday, November 22, 2008

My Heart Could Burst.....

with how much I LOVE them!
They are my favorite people in the world.



It's been a busy couple of days around here for the little turtle. She's doing all kinds of amazing things. She has started "marching" now. And today she said "bye bye" for the first time. She is running, and sorting things. Running and sorting things is a 18-24 mo milestone. She is so amazing!

Last Sat, mihigna got a deer, so we have been enjoying the fruits of that labor! I'm salting the pelt right now, it's down in the basement. I've never done that before, so we'll see what happens! I should post pics of it for you! I should have done a before and after. Oh well. Maybe you'll just get an "after."

Today we made pumpkin pie from scratch. I've become very domestic these days and am making as many things as possible from scratch. I prefer this because I don't want preservatives or nitrates in the food Turtle, or I, or Mihigna eats. It's all cumulative, and since she is still breastfeeding, I need to be aware of that. What I mean by that is, lets say we eat something with nitrates in it; well she eats her portion of whatever it is we are eating, and then I eat mine. She gets a dose of it from the food she ate, then whatever is passed to her through my breast milk. And yes, things like that do get passed. So, I have stopped buying bread, spaghetti sauce, canned pumpkin, canned biscuits, anything in cans really, because they are in aluminum cans or aluminum lined canisters... and we don't need aluminum poisoning either. So, it has been a lot of home made stuff. Which I am loving.. and so is the fam. I'm making pumpkin pies for turkey day, from scratch. Turtle loved cleaning out the pumpkin for them, and i love knowing exactly what is in my pie.

On thursday, we went to the bowling ally and she was playing with some girls and she fell and smacked her head on the floor, and got a huge gooseegg.. holy shit was I scared. I called the dr to make sure I didn't need to take her in, (this was only after I prevented myself from driving directly over there, because I was so panicked.) She has never had a goose egg before. I felt bad for her, but I felt horrible that it happened. I took her home and put some burt's bees boo boo juice on it, and it is all better. It never even bruised. I was worried, because it was really huge when it happened. I LOVE BURT'S BEES, this stuff is soo great, it is universal and helps with everything! She is fine, but man, that was rough on me!

It was so lovely here today that we took a walk this afternoon. We went to the fish hatchery, we went to the canyon first, but realized it was still hunting season.. so we went to the hatchery instead. She had a blast, walked around and looked at everything. Then she got cold, so we had to hightail it back to the van.

Tonight, she put herself to bed, and is sleeping really well. Her grandparents were here for a visit, and she told them to "go bye bye" so she could go to bed! It was so funny! So, I put her to bed, and she is sleeping peacefully.

So, I'm off to do some Ina work.
for now,

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

What's at the center

Turtle took all the paper towels off to get to the roll, so she could have her music maker. She loves these, and will play them or the toilet paper rolls.
On her birthday, our friend housefly came to visit her and brought his didgeridoo; she LOVED it, and has been playing the paper towel rolls as a didgeridoo ever since.
We are looking to find her a smallish turtle size didgeridoo for xmas.

She also helped me bake cookies today, and licked her first batter mix spoon! We had a lot of fun! Tonight, she helped me decorate while wearing her santa hat. She then went on to help her Ate' fix the vacuum and then vacuum the house.
She is such a good helper!

Friday, November 14, 2008

It's snowing again

It was a wonderfully snowy day here! It is still snowing, the ground is all covered up again with a soft fluffy white blanket. I love how quiet it gets when it snows, so quiet you can hear it. When Mihigna and I were first together, that is one question he asked me, "can you hear snow fall?" I told him yes. It was fate. 9 years later, we still love each other... and love to listen to snow fall.

I bought holiday decorations today. Fun! It will a bit hard to do this year, because we are in this tiny apartment, and we can't put anything on the walls, but we will manage.

Mihigna is going deer hunting tomorrow. I am actually excited for him to go. I have never really given it much thought; but for some odd reason, I've caught the hunting bug. I guess because I will be glad to fill our freezer with deer meat. Yummariffic!

Yerba Mate

We LOVE Guayaki Yerba mate'! We ordered some in bulk and it came with this wonderful label. If you can't read it, it says that the bag is made entirely from compostable and biodegradable material!! WHOO HOO FOR GUAYAKI!!! They are 100% organic as well as fair trade, not to mention the fact that their mate' is YUMMA-RIFFIC!

A new batch of snow is softly coming down to replace the snow that melted yesterday, XM has started playing it's 24/7 christmas music, all is well in the world. At least my corner of it!

And this year, turtle will really have fun! She loves to go outside and play in the snow. Here is a picture of her first snow play.

And now, we're off to go find a sled suitable for a baby girl! And maybe to put up holiday decorations... turkey themed things.

What do you love about the holidays?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

61 Trees

I LOVE NPR, and for some odd reason, when it gets cold, I yearn for NPR's comforting public radio ishness. You NPR lovers know what I mean.

As turtle slept, NPR played on my portable radio, flowing out the morning news from around the world. That is when I heard the story about this scientist woman who decided to use her science wiles to find out how many trees were on earth. It was a surprising large number...sigh of relief. But, then she broke it down to trees per person. nervous, sweating commenced.... the number was 61.
We all have 61 trees for our very own person, if you will. That made me relax a bit, but then she went on to tell us about how she told her husband that number and he said, "It seems like a lot, but then you think about the wood we used to build this house and the wood we use in our woodstove, and suddenly, it doesn't seem like very much." (more or less loosely quoted.) They went on to talk about all the wood related items that are in our world, and boy, those personal trees not only disappeared so fast I heard them go "pop" but, I started seeing people having to steal other people's trees just due to thier rampant use of wood products.... I was saddened. And a bit afraid. Much like I felt after watching An Inconvient Truth.

But, they told us that the good thing about trees is they are replenishable.
So they are. I know this, and love this fact. I was told that when you do something big, like build a house, you are supposed to plant three trees for every one that you tear down. I made a note to myself that I would indeed, do that, if not more. We have yet to own land on which to build said house, but what the hell. I'll plant trees anyway. In this town, they were rampaged by fire last year, and so it is a constant thing around here for people to be out planting trees. I will be joining them.

And when we do get our land.. I will be planting as many trees as I possibly can.
But even more than that, I'm going to be SUPER aware of my wood product consumption.... because I don't want to have to be stealing anyone else's trees just to keep me in whatever bad- tree -consuming habit I may have. After all, I might as well think that those are my Daughter's trees I'm stealing.

That has enough power for me to get it right.

What are you going to do with your 61 trees?

Monday, November 10, 2008

The new book!

The new book is out!

It looks really good, and I have been so busy being a mom, I forgot it was coming out!
I'm in the book among some incredible authors, as always. Marijo Moore is an excellent editor and has edited a a lot of really great anthologies.


Up north of us, they were all snowed in. Both mihigna's sets of parents were snowed in. We didn't get it bad down here... just icy and snow on the ground. It was a nice weekend. I loved it, mihigna was home, since he couldn't go to the rez to go access...due to snow drifts. So, we all hung out here, and played with turtle, who kept us amused for hours, as she always does.

We have some good news.. but I'm not quite ready to share it yet. So, when I am, I will.
I went shopping today, to stock up on some things, now that we have a freezer, a chest freezer, yey!!! It is such a relief to have that thing, it really has made me paranoid with all this crazy weather. Although, since this house is all electric, if we lost power for days on end, like they have up north, we might be screwed. Which is why we need to get our own place ASAP, where we can have solar and wind power and not have worries if we lose electricity.

Turtle's hampas came in today, as well as her crayons. The hanpas were too small, even though I measured against their foot thing, so they will have to be exchanged for a bigger size. But she LOVES her crayons.. and I don't have to worry about any toxins gettting into her since she is still in the "let's eat it" phase. They are beeswax crayons from a place called FABULOUS website, that I will be using again and again. They get a four star rating from me!!!

This weekend, we also went on the hunt for the elusive baby snow boot. Let me tell ya, in this small town, NE, they are non exsistant! What a rip off. Mihigna said it is probably because as soon as they can walk here, they are put in a pair of cowboy boots. He said that is what they wore when they were small. Well, yes, as did I, but I also remember very well how fricking froze ass my feet were. GRanted, I loved them too much to take them off, but now as a mother, I dont' want my daughter's feet to be cold however "fun" cowboy boots are. See, my mother WAS right.. She did know way more than I gave her credit for growing up. OYY, it's all coming back to bite me in the butt!! LOL. What goes around comes around.... My mother was a saint when it came to raising me and putting up with me, I certainly gave her a run for her money. (Literally, lol.)

I find myself worrying about things reguarding turtle that i remember my own mother worrying over. Was I dressed warm enough, did I have the best choice of foot wear for such cold conditions, why on earth wouldn't I keep my hat on? When I was a child, I simply could not understand why she was so concenred about such things, things that were hardly a blip on my screen. Aaaa, but now. Now I GET it. Because I am in the postion of worrier. My little turtle is a mini me, she wants to run amuck with no clothes on, and no shoes and no hat.
mother forgive all my shrugging off your concern. I get it now, I SO get it. But the great thing about my mother was that she knew me well enough to know that she could say all she anted to me, but I was a child of life school, i wouldn't do anything unless i learned the consequences on my 0wn. "oh, so when you don't wear a hat on a very cold day.. you do get cold faster." Oh, wearing cowboy boots in three feet of snow is not only a slipping hazzard, it also makes for wet, cold feet."
My mother gets so much credit. and I will now be able to take the deep breath she had to many tiimes, step back and let turtle do take the same path I did. Hopefully, she will learn thigns faster than I did. But, I love knowing that turtle is like me. She has my tenacity, and my zest for life. I love it. I will be able to be here to help her, when she needs it....and sometimes when she doens't think she does.

In other news, I'm excited for the holidays. I have not been excited for a few years. I was always a big holiday person, then after we lost the babies and I slipped into that deep depression, I stopped doing anything big for the holidays. But then turtle came. And my excitement it back.
I have called MIL to see if she will come over for xmas and mihigna's sister. I have big plans for baking and decorating and making some gifts. I love the holidays, and it will be really fun this year, because turtle will be able to do more things. She loves to help cook and wash dishes.
I'm excited!

Saturday, November 8, 2008


I called my In- laws today, they live about 35 miles up the road, and they got SLAMMED by a storm this weekend. They finally JUST got out. I will put the pic on here, if i can. Scary scary. They have everything electrical, so they didn't have any heat or way to eat warm food.
That is why we will have solar AND wind power when we build our place.
These winter storms are only going to get worse, and we will be prepared.

Damn, it won't let me upload them.
if I figure out another way, I'll put them up.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


My man won the election, oh, in case you haven't heard! HA ha!
I caught the tail end of his acceptance speech and saw Oprah leaning on some guys shoulder crying the same tears that were falling down so many people's faces, as well as my own. No, you anti-obamans, ours were HAPPY tears!
I can't fucking believe it, and yet I can.
My daughter went with us to the polls to vote today, (and tried to vote herself) which I will get to put down in her baby book that she was 13 mos old during one of the most important election years in MY life time, as well as hers. Well, hopefully this will only be ONE of many important, life changing elections in HER lifetime.
I'm so excited, I'm so relieved, things feel much lighter, much safer now.
I'm so happy, I wish I could give Obama a BIG hug, though, now that he is gonna be the Prez, I'm sure his body guards wouldn't like that too much. But the world needs more hugging anyway.

I am so happy I am goofy!
I want to run down the street shouting whoo hoo's at the top of my lungs... drive down the street with confetti and blow my horn! But, in this majority mcain supporters, I don't think that would go over to well.
I am only nine miles from teh state line, but I miss being a Sodakan, and having to vote in NE was a bit sad. SD is my HOME and my HEART.
Gotta get back there, ASAP!!!!!
be well, sleep more peacefully now that we have this gentle, knowlegeable papa bear in our corner.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

update and Ina type things

We had a great holloween, turtle went to a holloween party hosted by her cousin's school. Her GPs were there, and so they all had fun together. She played some games and won some prizes. She did not however, win a costume catagory. The judges were blinded by her adorableness and simply couldn't even see her.
In the afternoon, we went downtown and walked in the annual holloween parade. Wow! What a great thing! Every, well most every, child in our town, and parent walks down main street in thier costumes, it is so cool! The streets are blocked off and everything. Then, when they reach the end, they go back down to every shop and go trick or treating. SO COOL!!!! Turtle and I walked in the parade and then went to all her patron friends to say hello. They all loved her of course, and were all so happy to see her dressed up. Officer Mcbride saw her and said "That is the best costume I have seen all day! She is really cute! " AWWW! Then he gave her a Jr. PD officer sticker! Just cute!!! I wished I could have taken pics of it all, but I was carrying turtle, so I couldn't shoot any. I'm very glad we got to do that, it was a lot of fun, and a memory for turtle.
On sat, we went to K, K and W's holloween party, and had a BLAST! There were all kinds of great people there and we made new friends and had a grand time! We playes some games and laughed a lot! Turtle jumped right in and played wiht the other children and charmed all the adults! Everyone wanted to hold her and talk to her! She even sat on E's husbands lap! Whoa!
It was a very cool, fun weekend!
The weather has been fab! Tday it was 80! It is supposed to be nice until wednesday, so we will be outside again tomorrow!
Today, I finally got around to watching Juno. I was dissapointed. I don't know what I expected, but not that. J.Garner did a fabulous job of being a longingly childless woman though. I was very happy wiht how it turned out though.. for her anyway. That is really all I have to say about that.
I'm glad it is novemeber, I'm ready for some cool weather and holidays.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


OMG! My turtle is the cutest!!!!
Yep, if you can't see it, she is a turtle for holloween! SO CUTE! and she loves her costume too! I had to order it, and it came in teh other day, she wanted to wear it right away, so we put it on, and took these pics!
Tomorrow, she will be in a Halloween parade!
More pics to come!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

walking in sun

Turtle's costume came today, and she imediately wanted it put on, s we did and omg! It's so cute! I took pics, so I will download them and get them on here. My dam O on my keyboard is acting up...s there will be some missing. anyway.
I went for a walk with my walking friend this AM and met a new friend E, she is the mother of three bys and she is very nice. Turtle had fun and we all enjoyed a beatuiful walk. She lives out in the country and I'm MONDO jealous of her place... 20 acres of BEAUTY!! Damn, I'd never leave if I lived there! Effing gorgeous! So, we will all do it again.. I loved having a bit of nature about me, as did turtle. All around us, there were long horns in the pastures.. something turtle was over the moon about! She also got to see guineas... and laughed her head off at them.

It felt good to be outside.. and the sun warmed my bones and lifted my spirit. I've been in an odd place lately and wasn't sure if it was because I was feeling lonely. It wasn't until I had a child that i realized how valuable female friendships are. Well, that isn't true. I knew how valuable they were when I lived in Verm town. But before I had achild.. I could spend hours sitting and visiting with them. Here, I don't have real tight friendships like I did there. My one friend works full time and my other seems only to be a walking friend. we walk in the morning, then part ways and don't talk until our next walk really. I'm fairly social and outgoing, I like having connections to other people. So, today was lovely, hopefully we will do it regularly.

Monday, October 27, 2008

As each day goes by and turtle gets more and more mobile, my time to clean my house, cook, shower, post, get smaller and smaller.
It's because I am SO focused on her, every minute of my day is about her. I'm sure there is some balance I need to find, maybe, but it feels right. Life IS all about her, and someday, when she is a teenager, she will not need me, nor want me focused on her every move. I will still be doing so, just in a different way.
Parenting starts long before you hold them in your arms, and continues long after they are in clothes they can change themselves.

Turtle has been in an odd place all day..fueled by not enough sleep, and sore teeth. Tonight, she had a crying jag which turned into a meltdown where I couldn't figure out what what was wrong. I finally figured it out... her At'e had turned off her fish tank, and she wanted to do it. So we got up and she did it and she was fine. I need to figure out how to help her let me know what she wants better. She knows and uses the signs for eat and more, but I think I need to teach her more signs. It is hard to watch your little one get frustrated because she can't make you understand.
I'm so tired.... I feel like I could sleep for a loooonnng time.
The weather is supposed to be nice for the next couple of days, so I'm hoping we can get out in it. I"m not ready for winter... not yet... not with a wee one.
I still haven't gotten any ideas for great indoor activities to do with her... so I need to come up with something... she is liking t.v a little too much. I never wanted her to be intersted in it; but then we discovered the wonders of Jack's big music show. Oy... I'm hoping I can wean her off it without too much of a battle... i figure do it now before she gets too much older and it gets harder. This is of course my doing.. I take full responsiblity for it.. and man am I kicking myself!!!
ok. leaving now, to go sleep or post pics... or something.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


I jsut read Cry it out's post.... (see link at right) it was hilarious!
It got me thinking about how stay at home parents are... the wonder and the challenges we face, because we always have to be on top of our game coming up with things to do with and for our little ones.

I took some time away from the house tonight, to do some work for the screenplay script...(more on that later) so turtle was with her father. And he is great with her, they love to spend time together and I always ask about what they did when I come home, because mothers and father do things differently. Lately, turtle's big thing has been..Baby in the basket... where she climbs into any laundry basket and insists on being drug about the house... which is fun, but very tiring on our arms after mihigna, being the resourceful man that he is... tied a heavy rope to the basket... and voila, no more tired arms and yet baby can be drug about until she get's bored. I asked him what else they did, he said they played chase, played with her hogan (fish) they are fake ones that swim abut in a cool mist humidifer; she loves it!! Then they read books, she got tired and I came home. I'll post pics on here, because it is soo cute to see her in that basket.. no worries, we make sure she is safe and not in any peril.
But i always love to ask what they did, because since I'm with her all day, sometimes he comes up wiht fun things to do.. things i dont' think of.
It's been a bit hard for me this week, because the cold air is setting in and I'm hesitant to take her out in it, even though she can be bundled. so ok, I'm jsut lazy and don't want to go out in it, since she has warm clothes for cold weather, but I don't. I never understood why my sister stopped shopping for herself after she had children.... now that i have a child.. I TOTALLY GET IT! Hence, the no warm clothes for me.
it never did snow... but they keep saying it is go ing to.. we'll see. Tomorrow, turtle and I will be going out to the falls to see what we can see, she loves hiking and it gets me out of the house. I like it once i'm out there.. it's just getting the motivation to do so.
I need to start coming up wiht some ideas for when it is truly too cold for little turtles to be outside, crafty fun project perfect for advanced little ones... so my cyber momma friends... please send me ideas!
ok.. the moive news. The scriptwriter has been sending me his treatments and we have been doing edits and such... and we are almost there. we have to wrap up the ending and then we..well, he sends it off to the people who will fund it or not, and we will take it from there. I am being elusive right now, because i don't really want to get excited about it until he gets the funding and a "go" to do the actual movie. once that comes in, i'll be more open about it.
but for now, I'm really excited.. the guy is fabulous and very talented, and has produced some other really great pieces; i'm honored to be working with him.

hang tight.. more details to follow!
take care!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A very boring post

Turtle sleeps. Mihigna is teaching his MMA class. I have some time now, to do something. I'm not sure what though. I always get like this at night... like a butterfly on acid, floating about, with lots to do, but not exactly sure what I want to concentrate on.
First, let me address the comments that have been coming in, thank you, they are all lovely. I'd like to respond to them, but I don't have your email addy's so please send them to me at my email:

I was able to get turtle down at a decent hour tonight...her sleeping has been a bit off lately, not always, but often enough. Yes, I'm one of those mothers who do worry that she isn't getting enough sleep. Her napping seems to be doing well, though, one day she will have her regular two naps a day and others she will only have her morning nap. Is this normal for other babies? I try not to worry, but sometimes it is hard. She has never had sleeping issues... as a matter of fact, from the moment we brought her home from the hospital she set her bedtime. By 7 she was ready and down. these days, it's closer to 8 sometimes. But if she is tired, I'll put her down when she tells me to. She will literally walk me into the room and point to the bed. She's soo smart. Anyway, I'm babbling on about sleeping, probably not the most exciting topic. I'm just getting words on the page.
I'm really quite boring this evening... sorry.
I'll go do something else, if I think of something more fun to say.. I'll come back.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


It's gonna snow!! I"m so excited! Granted, I live in a town where I don't HAVE to get in my car to go to the store... so I don't have the heavy worry of having to drive in it. Mihigna will drive, but since he is only like...five blocks worries!

I had a tooth pulled today. And since he may read my blog.. I will not mention much about it. Other than... I was living on ibuprofen until after turtle's afternoon nap. I didn't eat a lick of food until 8 p.m. this evening.
I miss Matt Knutson, DDS... the sweet, gentle dentist in verm town.

But I feel better without the broken tooth in my head. Yah, forgot to tell you that story. oh well.
There was a LOT of pain.. and tears. and ibuprofen.

Anyway..moving on....SO!!!!
I got the rough draft of the treatment for the movie. Very powerful, very intense. I find that funny to say since I'm the author of it!!!( The piece he is using for the movie.) It made the hair on my arms stand up... to see my story in "live form." So, I have to take notes and we'll have a conference on it tomorrow or the next day.
Holy shit..this is really gonna happen. I can't believe it.
I gotta go now.. turtle is waking up.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

So fricking tired

I don't know what is going on wiht me, ever since I got back from Rapid, I have not been the same. I have been really tired, on and off this week. Today, I have been utterly exhausted.
On friday, turtle got her MMR shot. UGH. Mihigna and I have been toying with this idea since she was born, do we, don't we? I've done as much research as I could, read He's Not Autistic But... and still was not 100 % sure of what I should do. So, I had to take a deep breath and "jump" and do it.

OMG, it was horrible. Thank god they don't HOLD them down here, like they do in Yankton, and they let me hold her, but the way the nurses build up to it, it makes it worse, nerve-wracking for me, and turtle knew something was going on. Ugh, it's horrible. They told me this one wasn't a intramuscular one, but it stung. So, they did it and she cried... and she nursed right away.. the only comf0rt I knew to give her that would help. It did, but it still broke my heart... I HATE being the person who allows someone to hurt her, greater good or not. Even now, two days later, it makes me sick to my stomach. It is so hard for me to see those tears in those precious eyes. UGH. then, it left this big red streak on her leg and a raised bump. So, I got her home and got her some tylenol. Thank god, I live right around the corner of the clinic. Then she slept and she was and is, perfectly fine. The bump is gone, as is the redness. Her leg doesn't hurt. So, she is back to her wondeful self.

She spend a lot of time with her At'e today.. which is always nice to see, and she wanted to go everywhere he went.. so sweet! I'm glad when she does that, because I worry that they don't get to spend enough time together because of his crazy long schedule.
It's midnight, i should go to bed. I'm really tired. I need something.. but I'm not sure what.

Finally..some words

turtle sleeps.
I am too antsy to do the same.
This week has been wonderful, and hard and beautiful and painful all together.

I took turtle to the park, the waterfalls to get some fall color pics.. only the weekend I was in rapid, they got cold here, so most of the color went away. Turtle loves the waterfall, and the river, and she couldn't understand why we couldn't get in the water, like we usually do. then we drove slowly home and on the way discovered this small farm tucked away in the woods, so we stopped, and played with all their animals... they had all kinds of chickens, wiht tiny newly born chicks.. and great farm sunka's (dogs), and Igmus (cats) and goats, and a llama, and a long horned Pte (cow). It was fabulous and turtle was well in her element. I could see us having that kind of set up... my hope for an acreage was renewed.
It was so fun! On the way out of the park where the waterfall was, the cows were out and all over the road, so turtle started saying Pte, (lakota for cow) and then moo. It was soooo adorable!!! And that pic of her with the flower, that wa s
My daughter is the bomb!!

Ok, I said I'd update on teh whole movie thing.
Well, I spoke to the guy, he is very nice and has great ideas, so we're going to go ahead with it. He will be writing up a treatment for it this weekend and send it to me today. I'm excited. He knows his stuff, and he totally got the guts of the piece he is using. I'd also sent him my poetry manuscript to see if he could gleen any inspiration from that.. and he LOVED it. I told him thank you and I jsut wish a publisher would love it! LOL!
So, the movie is a go. What he has to wait for now, is funding. I'll keep you posted.
Ok, off to do Ina things now.
more when I know.

Friday, October 17, 2008

new eventually be followed by words..

But for now, I'm putting baby to bed... she's had a hard couple of days, and needs her Ina.
Toksa, Rogue

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Where I start talking about a great conversation but then stumble onto my soapbox again....oops.

I had a phone conversation with Jan Hunt tonight..(the natural child It was so affirming to be speaking with some one who knows exactly where I'm coming from and has the same beliefs of children that I do, regardless if they are mine, hers or one walking down the street.
The end of our conversation left me feeling assured that I am doing it right and that when you are AP parent, a holistic parent, or any form there in; it really is about your gut. Books can say so much, but what you know to be right for you child; (and by extension, you) comes from your gut.
The came at a serendipitous time, as her call came as I was walking out of a conference my commiunity was having on the services available... a services fair of sorts. The presentations were kicked off by a woman from the salvatin army. She ran her speel about how they ring bells and where the money goes. I asked her how would someone get ahold of her should they need services.. I gave the following example: "Let's say someone comes up to me on the street and says: "I'm homeless." Where do I direct them?
Well, this was her reply:
"People who are homeless want to be homeless." My mouth drops to the floor. I looked at her and said;
"Excuse me?!" My eyes must have read volumes, because everyone got that "oh shit" look and got the "quiet" that comes with it. I looked down the table at everyone who was looking at me incredulously. They looked away.
She stumbled on about the services they offer, as I looked at the people around me...some of the women were looking at me, watching me. What they were doing was trying to read me... after all, wasn't I an Indian woman, surely I understood about poverty and homelessness.. who was I to question such a statement from a woman who worked the trenches all day everyday?

I just wish someone would have questioned my questioning this woman...I'd have LOVED to explain myself. But they never do. They will sit there and judge you, question your motives, make up stories, theories, ideas about you, but ask you directly what would motivate you to challenge someone on that statement? NO. Never. I have my own theories as to why it never gets this far.. because believe me, I'd LOVE to answer them. They, unfortunatly can't/won't offer the same to me. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what it is about me exactly, because in 2005, in Vermont, at the NBF writing camp, i was detailing a story to some people about an exchange I'd had with a homeless man. They got soo irate with me, telling me I was stupid for talking to him, how much danger I'd put myself in, and how I'd better be grateful I was still alive to tell the story; that I'd better wise up and stop having such a big heart. I started crying. Literally, crying. HARD.
I was soo hurt and so upset that they could NOT see/hear what they were saying. That they had gotten to the point where they could walk away from another human being in need, and not feel a GD thing... broke my heart. I felt for the man I spoke with on the street, I felt how alone he must have been/is. Later, the two people who I had been talking to came up to me and still couldn't understand why I was so upset.
That day, we were having classes on playwriting, so we had to write a stage play. Perfect.
I wrote a performance piece on a homeless woman. I wish I had kept it, it was fabulous. My point was that I was trying to get people to see it from this woman's point of view. Which, before I go on too much on that, let me pop in the fact that I was thinking that these "services" people needed to have a mandatory inservice where they were mandated to watch the documentary "It was a wonderful life" IF you have not seen it, rent it from netflix and watch it!!!!
Anyway, back to the play. I can't remember it all, but I put things in there like: "I like classical music. My favorite color is red. I am a daughter, a sister." and in between, I was having to ask people on the street for change. It was really pwerful, because the people who were passing by ran the gamut of paying attention to me, ignoring me and looking sympathetic and helpless. My point, if you are not getting it, is that just because someone happens to be homeless doesn't mean that they deserve to be looked over. Which is what made me cry with the two people at the table... the pure coldness of it all.
whew... that was heavy. but I am affected deeply by these things. Everyone is a human being and deserves some kind of acknowledgement. (Now I say that, but if I was forced to give that very same "humane" treatment to a pedophile, child or spouse abuser, I can't honestly say I could live my own words.)
Ok..sigh....deep breath.
I realize people can become jaded in the trenches, but still to say that in a room full of proffessionals, was not only unproffessional, it was unethical.
my husband doesn't agree.
Please, cyber world, weigh in. Am I expecting too much of people, am I being ridiculous?

**In with the good air, out with the with the good air out with the bad.*

Ok, i'm Off to decompress a bti.. and I will be back for more blogginess...that is less heavy.

I've finally gotten around to downloading the pics from the camera... can't type much, baby is scrambling about....finding all kinds of peril, but here are the pics.
enjoy...more later. tonight is Ina Maza skan skan
till then-

Monday, October 13, 2008

Rest In Peace, Kitty

the world is a bit smaller tonight, a bit less bright.
A dear cousin of mine, (from my adopted family) passed away this evening after a hard battle with cancer. Alcohol and cancer are the two things that have taken my family members from me. I'm waay out here and they are in IN. The funeral will be on friday, and I doubt I will be able to make it.
She was a wonderful person, she raised beautiful, wonderful, well adjusted children to adulthood, she has a wonderful, kind, gentle hilarious husband.
she will be missed.
she had the best laugh.
The world is a bit smaller tonight.

Kitty, I'll miss your presence here on Unči Maka, but I know you are happy now. Oy'aka Tuwin "Mitakuyepi," ki Mis. Uŋsičilake, Mani wasté.

more updates

Ok, so the hills trip.
One of the major reasons we went there was to hit the natural food store to stock up on the things for turtle, that I can't get for her here. But, she needed a nap so badly on sat, that we put her down and let her sleep till five.... the store closed at five and wasn't open on sunday. So, I guess we'll be ordering some things online. It kind of stinks too, because we are so far away from anything like that. So we had to go to wally world to see if they had anything remotely appropriate for her... not really. I had picked up some organic crunchin' grahms for her at one walmart we went to on one of our travels, but it seems that it wasn't at the rapid one... because they had little if NO organic food for babies/toddlers. They had baby food that was organic, but turtle has never eaten baby food, and refuses to start. (can you blame her?) So i picked up some organic teething biscuts, to see if she would use those... haa haa haa. she looked at me like i was nuts. So, we'll be giving those to her litte friend who doesn't care what she eats and happens to be teething.
I was able to get some BPA free bowls with suction cup bottoms as well as more BPA free spoons.
I turned turtle on to the yumminess of cheese curls the other day.. so i picked up sme Cheetos natural cheese curls. That way she can enjoy them but I can relax knowing she isn't injesting nitrates and other ickiness.

I am having to learn to let turtle have her tantrums without stepping in right away to make it better. So, on sunday when we went to our old coffeshop haunt.. she had a tantrum and we made it through it. It was pretty painless. I let her have it, and within seconds...she did that peek thing to see if we were reacting and when she saw we weren't she got up and moved on. I hope it will continue to be as easy.. I HOPE.

In House news.....we are NOT buying it after all. There have been some things that have come up and we have decided it would eb smarter for us to not do so. I'm not dissapointed though.. I'm a bit relieved actually. Now we are open to whatever.
On the drive home yesterday... it was so beautiful... the hills in fall are gorgeous. We were talking about how we need to figure out where we want to be.. and we both feel liek we belong in SD.. it's just home. But where in SD is the question. Even though we are only nine miles from the state really makes a difference.. now it takes us three hours to get to rapid instead of the 2.5 it would take from Mission.

more to come

Sunday, October 12, 2008


Well, we left for the hills on friday... and man. it started out badly, we were rushed because we were worried about weather, then mihigna was stressed from work, and then cunksi broke down on the way from white river to murdo..which STRESSED ME MAJOR!!!! There is nothing that puts me in panic mode than cunksi crying and escalting and me not being able to help her calm down. (i was driving) On top of that.. the weather was rainy and misty and we had to worry about it freezing.
BUT, we finally made it, and went to bed!!!
the rest of th weekend was pretty fun. we woke up today to snow.. but it melted befre i could get a pic, i was packing up the car.. and then it was melty and not as pretty.
ok , i gotta go. more later, when i'm more coherent

Friday, October 10, 2008

wow and a bit of a soapbox rant.

I got an email from a friend who is a professor and I met him when he was at Colorado College last year when I was brought in as a visiting author. We have maintained contact and he let me know that there is a guy who wants to use my story as a movie script. Mihigna thinks I should do it. So, I will call the guy this weekend, and see what he has to say.
wow, exciting.. but scary all at the same time. I will keep you posted when I know more, but wanted to let you in on that bit of news.

My concerns are: it will generate more work for me, which is great.. but i worry about the time it will take me away from turtle to. (She travels with me now, and will continue to do so. Thankfully, it is just built into my contract that she comes, and it isn't negotiable.) But more work means, I need to have time to write, and prepare for presentations... which is time away from turtle. Which as most of you AP parents understand... my whole year has been spent focusing mainly on turtle, I'd write when she was sleeping when she was younger. Now that she is older and mobile, watching her is all I do all day.

And see, we had a master plan. Mihigna would travel with us when he could but when he couldn't come, we would have a nanny that would travel with me to my readings and be on duty while I was reading or giving presentations or sitting on panels, or whatever. Unfortunately, that hasn't worked out, because the person we had for the job, her life fell apart and she backed out. This left us having to looking at agencies. SCARY. See, I WAS a nanny, I LOVED it. But the corporation I worked for, was through, did complete background checks, extensive interviews, trial jobs, etc. So the parents who were getting us, KNEW they were getting a reliable, trustworthy nanny. I don't feel this is the case anymore. I would go through the agency that hired me, but she doesn't do that anymore. And it has been enough years that I've been away from the nanny business, not to mention I've never been a nanny or had one in SD OR NE. It's scary as hell. But what do I do. This has been a dilemma for us, because I continue to go on readings, presentations, ect. Mihigna comes, but he can't continue to come and so my scedule is done around his, when he can take the time off, etc. But now that she is older, and soo very attached to me, it's gotten a bit more difficult. When I gave my reading at the conference, mihigna watched her, but at the end of my reading, when it was Q&A time, she refused to be apart from me anylonger, adn I had to have her come out on the floor with me. She was well behaved, and quiet because she had her Ina, but there was a comment on my evaluation (from the public) that said they felt it was unprofessional. WHICH brings me to another point.

To the above comment I say.... PISS OFF and deal with it. We practice attachment parenting, and therefore, the child comes with the package. In Lakota society...we do not put our children in one place while we are in another. On that note.... I'll bring up another advantage of AP.... when your child is with you all the time, no matter where you go, they LEARN how to behave in public the proper way. If you are constantly shutting them out of your activities, they will not know how to behave, because they have not been in that environment to learn. Turtle knows how to behave in public, because she has been in public since she was born. In Vermillion, she would sit quietly with me for hours while I visited with friends. Now granted, there are some things you need to provide to your child to help this process. Like, age appropriate toys, and things to do to make them content. There is a website by a woman from another country who wrote a essay, or book, or somethign on this very subject... I need to find that again.. because it is so important for people to read that. But she talks about the very same thing. Bringing your child with you where ever you go, shows, has and promotes the same benefits as carrying your baby in a sling.
Ok, sorry to get on a bit of a soap box, but I had to say that.

If I offended anyone, I'm sorry. Please let me know and we can discuss it.
Ok, I'm off to write a bit while turtle sleeps.
Be well, and thanks for listening. Feel muchly free to comment!!! :) Other perspectives are always good, and I know I sometimes need them.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

note to self

Future topics:

turtle's birth

Asanpi is best

My diaper adventures: (cloth buns are best baby!)

My take on education: we don't pray in a church, we don't learn in a building

EDUCATION! EDUCATION! EDUCATION!!!!! Plus girls night and other such things

Knowledge Is Power people!!!!!
Ok, first, I had "girls night" tonight with my friend DB, and we watched "Baby Momma" which after that, got us talking about such things.. as she is trying to have a child. I wondered if it was hard for her to watch since the movie was advertised one way, but was really another way.. they always do that and it's irkes me. I thought it was going to be a lot FUNNIER than it was, because hello, Tina Fey was in it! Anyway.. maybe I didn't find it as hilarious because I was aware of the undercurrent of the storyline. One woman's LONGING to have a child. I've been there, done that.. It SUCKS ROYAL SHIT. Now, as my friend sat next to me, I had to ask her if she was ok watching this. (She was.) Anyway... so we were talking about when she had her baby......and I always use the word when never, IF. (I HATED that word if when i was dealing with infertility stuff.) Anway, we were talking about delieveries and the DRs here... and she was telling me about how she was going t have a Csection.... which of course tripped my trigger, and I started talkign about c-sections and the real reason DR's do them, which brought up the movie, "the business of being born" which, every being with mammory glands (and dicks too) SHOULD WATCH, whether you have children, are planning to have children or KNOW someone who is having a child. MOST important info. And, info that those of us practicing AP, have already known... I feel comfortable saying "have already" because if you are an AP, I"m pretty certain you did everything in your power to make sure that your child was born stress free and intervention free as possible.
I really have to check myself in these conversations with other mothers, or soon to be mothers, because I live in what can be a bass ackwards town...and while the people here are great and kind, they parent MUCH differently than I do. My stroller strolling friend who I see everyday doesn't believe in present parenting... or co sleeping, I gave her a sling that she won't use.. (too bad too, it's a nice sling.) And she was relating to me her stories about her "sleep training" her daughter... oh, when she tells me these things... I cringe... it's soo hard for me, and seems so cruel. But again, I KNOW what happens to a child when they are left to cry, physically, psychologically, and emotionally. So she was telling me more about it today and asking me what she should do and I said: "I am not the one to ask because I Co-sleep." This after she had gotten done telling me about how she didn't want to "spoil" her daughter by letting her sleep with her. I directed her to the Parenting Baby to sleep website as well as Jan Hunts.... so hopefully she will go.
I've gotten up now to tend to turtle, and have lost my train of thought...

I guess I want to say that it is hard to parent when the "majority" parents do differently than you. The only like minded parents are those who I have/know in cyber world. But at least I don't feel alone.. that helps.
I will post turtle's birth story on here.. I always want to, but it is long, and I don't usually have that much time. But I will get around to it, eventually.
We are heading up to the hills this weekend... yey!! I"m psyched, I LOVE going to the hills; yet another perk to living back home. And it is really fab having turtle to share it with. It will be great too, because it is finallystarting to act/feel/look like fall. I LOVE fall!!
OK. for now, that is all... if I remember where I was going.. I'll come back and tell you.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Ina maza skan skan

It's about 9 p.m. Turtle sleeps in my lap, her long eyelashes wet from tears she shed earlier. Tonight is my "Ina" night. so, I usually head out for about two hours for some "me" time. This is what keeps me sane, this is what gives me some space to breathe while I know she is home wiht her At'e, happy and having fun. But tonight, she didn't have fun... she's having seperation anxiety and will not let me out of her sight, much less out of her touch. Literally, she has her hand on me or in mine all day. I love this, I'm glad I can make her feel safe. But, still a Ina needs some Ina time, so I left her in the capable hands of her At'e. When i came back, she was snotty nosed and red faced from crying. Of course, momma bear kicked in, wanting to know how long she'd been crying.. he said fifteen minutes, and I demanded to know why he hadn't called me to tell me to come home. He said snottily: "You needed your time." which imediatly pissed me of, cuz dammit DON'T EVER hint that my alone time trumps my daughter needing me... I was MAD.
It was all emotion and nerves, and I felt better once I had her calm, nursing, close and asleep. Some guilt tried to rear it's ugly head... but fuck that. I didn't do anyting wrong.. and if I blow off the Me time, I will blow my top.
I'm learning.
He came in a bit ago and apologized for being snappy. I told him that what upset me was knowing she was in distress. He explained to me that it wasn't a solid fifteen minutes she was crying and that she had fallen down, which upset her, (she wasn't hurt) and he had just gotten her calmed down when i walked in the door and she melted down again. I know this does happen. Being seperated from teh main caregiver does make babies melt down once they are reunited... so I felt better.
Somtimes it is hard to know all that I know abut child development. Too much knowledge CAN be a dangerous thing. Becaue when I see that turtle has been crying.. I need to know how long, what precipitated it, and so on. I know what happens to a baby when they cry, so that is always why I need to know HOW long was she crying, what caused it, etc.
But, she is good now, calm, alseep.
I've started wearing the sling again.. because she needs to be in such close contact wiht me. I love that thing. I had to buy a bigger size, but it still works, and I love that she knows what it is, and she will request to be in it. Slings are wonderful things, and such a neccesity for attachment parenting. I have some stories to post on here, but I will cme back in a bit and do that.. I need to tend to somethign else, but I will be back in a bit.
if you notice that sme of my O's are missing.. it is because my O on my keyboard is being wierd, sometimes working, sometimes not.
back soon.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Turtle Toes

The pic is really sloppy, but she's still sooo cute!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

A story about YOU

Mi cunksi,
when I was a teenager, my then boyfriend insisted that I go with him to see the movie, LION KING. I'd seen the previews, and I could tell someone in it was going to die, so I had NO desire to see it. I didn't like those kinds of movies, where they make you fall in love with someone from the movie, only to have them die. No thanks, real life was hard and sad enough.
But somehow, I gave in and went to see it. I'm glad I did. It ranks as one of the best movies I've ever seen. In the beginning, when Mufasa presents Simba to the animal kingdom, I CRIED! It is probably one of, if not THE most powerful scenes in the whole movie. I cried because even as a cocky, cynical teenager, I could see the powerful love and pride (I'm tearing up now, just writing this.) that Simba's parents had for him. I knew that when I had a child, this is how I would feel, proud, and that my child's life should be celebrated.
The movie ended, life moved on and I mostly forgot about that movie.

Many moons, life experiences and losses later, your At'e (not the above mentioned boyfriend) and I were blessed with you. In our culture, (Lakota) we have a welcoming ceremony for babies when they are born. You were no exception. We had a welcoming ceremony for you. Many people came and said beautiful things about you, read you poems, blessings, sang you songs, and welcomed you. These are people who had been on our journey with us as we waited and longed for you. I spoke, your At'e spoke. There were many, many tears, (HAPPY TEARS) shed. And when we were all done talking, your AT'e held you over his head as we presented you to the world, and those in the room. Believe me, if I'd had the capability, I'd have had that song or video playing in the background. Everyone clapped and cheered for the "official" presentation of our little turtle! Now, when I hear that song, circle of life, I think of that movie, and it's power, and now, I always think of you.
I love you, thank you again for choosing us as your parents, the honor is ours.
unsicilake pi lila tanka,
Ni Ina na At'e.

Not crazy

The last few days around here have been haggard. I began to question everything about myself and my parenting philosophy. Then I read Jan Hunt, and exclaimed, "that is exactly what Mihigna and I have been saying!" Jan Hunt is the brain behind the Natural child Project. Her child rearing techniques/beliefs mirror ours. I'm/we're NOT crazy.
I never really thought we were, but when you are in place where people do things so differently than you, and you are overwhelmingly tired, you begin to question: Is it me or them? I've always known that Mihigna and I are NOT the typical people, but I've always loved that, I knew we wouldn't be typical parents. But, as time has gone on, and people start telling you that you are doing it wrong.. they don't say this in so many words...because you want the BEST for your child... you start thinking, maybe they are right, and I"m wrong.
But I feel much better.... I needed to just ignore everyone else and listen to myself,, I know this, but somewhere I got momentarily lost.
Do you know that my child is 1 year old.. and knows what a kazoo is, and how to "play" one? She has known this since she was 8 months old. She is playing one right now, made out of a paper towel role... she is soo smart.

I have to run, turtle is pulling me off to play.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Our first playdate

Turtle had her first playdate today. She loved it! I got together with one of mihigna's co worker's who has young children, and we met at the park. They had a lot of fun. Mihigna joined us and we all tried out the swings and played in the dirt and gathered hazelnuts for roasting. It was fun. When we first got there, turtle's new little friend, R, took her over to the swings and then fell down wiht her.. scared the begezzus out of her At'e and I, which then scared her, and she commenced crying. I picked her up, checked for blood, (there was none) held her close and then nursed her. She was ok, just scared, because her parents got scared. After a bit of asanpi, she was off playing again. No worries. It's funny to see that when it comes to stuff like that, I'm the calmer parent. mihigna used to be the grounding force, but now I seem to be. Perhaps it is because I am with her all day everyday, and know the difference in her cries, so I am able to discern right away when something is really wrong. I'm grateful for that too though, because the VERY first time she fell, holy shit, I nearly lost it too, I was a panicked mess!! But I saw how much that made it worse for turtle, and have since learned that you have to be calm, or they will really freak out.
I feel bad for mihigna, he is gone so much of her daily life, he doesn't get to get those nuances, so I can understand why he'd be scared. I'm glad he's such a good At'e. There are many men who would rather be on the golf course or off hunting on a beautiful fall saturday, rather than at the park with t his wife and child. Turtle and I are VERY blessed.