Monday, November 28, 2011

rambling the catch up

Been gone forever, again. But I've been living life. An incredible, mind blowing, tear jerking (in a good way) life.

 Months ago, we sold the ranch and moved the hell out of VULGARTINE.THANK EFFING GAWD!!!!

I haven't looked back and I've been my happy, ecstatic self ever since. I even wrote about it, at LAAH.

We are in SD, in the town that makes us smile and be free! Turtle loves it, she has children all over the neighborhood to play with, and i have mommas to talk to and art museums to go to, and a plethora of natural food stores to visit. I am SOOO in my element!!

   Turtle continues to grow into this mind blowing amazing human being. She's soo perfect. We loves her sooo much! She tried the whole preschool thing, and was waay ahead of her classmates and she said, "I'm not going back." so she wont. fine with me. I hope she never wants to go to a brick and mortar school. I have many reasons for that, ASSimilation being one of them. Brick and mortar schools are just another form of assimilation for Lakota children. Monkey training grounds. Um, I gave birth to a baby, not a monkey; I plan on keeping her that way.
  Been thinking about just how much my time in vulgertine messed up my parenting while I was there. I hope to gawd I didnt screw Turtle up in some irreparable way.  The problem is i see myself doing it still at times; parenting for others. I have done it at my In laws, I found myself doing it at my sisters. It sucks (for Turtle) and it is just plain WRONG!!!! The only person I have to make happy with my parenting skills are Tunkasila and Turtle. And the way I was parenting her in those situations, we to keep the people around me happy, when that souldn't have even been a consideration.  ugh. I could beat myself up all night about that one. But I need to stop.
anyway, I'm in the middle of working on a curriculum for her, because she does like to do "homework" and the homeschool book I got for her is NOT challenging enough, So mine is Lakota and Sign Language. She loves that. I love watchign her go get her book, and bring it to me, and say, "let's do work Ina." okay, let's.

I went to Miami U last month, she and mihigna ki came too, and it was awesome. the time on the road sucked for various reasons, but she kept us in perspective, and they all lvoed her of course. Because she's  a rock star!!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

my dear readers

so much has happened., I've been gone so long, but you my dears, have not. So, I will try to post in here more. there is much to tell.  I'm gearing up to leave for a public reading/ visitng writer gig, so I will not have any time to catch you up this week. But I will be back! xoxox to you for your faithfullness. back soon, promise!
always, Turtle Ina

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Late night Ina worries.

Oh my love,
 I have so many posts to catch up on your sweet little life here, but this one is burning, so I have to air this one, for me.
You talked today again, of wanting to go to school. We will not be leaving here until next june. My immediate gut reaction to you going to  school here, is not a good one. My gut tightens, my heart races.  I. DO. NOT. LIKE. THESE. SCHOOLS.  I sent you to one preschool and the woman DID not embrace, honor or recognize your sacredness, in fact she manhandled you and tried to train you like all her other little monkeys.
You, my love, ARE NOT a monkey. You are my heart.  You are Joy, perfection, personified.
I do not want you trained. I do not want them making, leading you, training you to stop listening to yourself and start listening to outside resources, people, things, to make decisions about you and your life.
  I know, I have messed up as your Ina, but I'm trying to fix it. I've made you feel as if you have to change your answers to fit my happiness.  I hate that about me, and I beat myself up for it everyday. I can only sleep talk it away, and hope and pray that your heart heals and returns to its regular, unbruised state.
  But back to the school thing. I am really not comfortable with you going to this school. any of these schools. I want you to remain your organic self. When we move to MT, I will be willing to let you try school, because they have discovery schools there, they have Montessori schools there, they have just about any kind of school you could imagine. But not here, here, it's all meat and potatoes, no variety.  They want you to get in your box, and stay there. And if I wanted a box dweller, i'd have bought us a doll; not cared for and labored and rallied for a precious, living, breathing sacred soul.  I have heard of far too many kindergarten and first graders who bear scars from their school experience.
    You, are like me, an empath, a sensitive soul, and I dont want anyone trampling on that. I"d have to go all momma bear on them.  What too many parents realize, retro actively, is that some scars cannot be erased, simply healed, but they will always be there. I DON'T want that for you.  Its my/our job to keep you intact.
  I love you more than ANYTHING in this world, and I want you safe, healhty, and happy.
I have more to say on this, but you are rustling, you'll be calling for me soon, so I need to go.

love you lots beautiful, sacred Turtle.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

a blathery sort of story that has a confusing message.

I know I say this alot, but i'm gonna say it again.
i have a lot to say. A lot has happened.
I'm only going to give you the breezy version here.

This week was founder's week at SGU. My love, my alma mater' not "officially" my alma mater' but it will always be for me, since I went there and SGU will always be in my heart.  I'm so proud of our university, despite its ups and downs and despite the crap its going through.  at the heart, i fully believe everyones heart is in the right place. Even some of the wasicu's. (not all of them though.)

Anyway, tonight was night one of the wacipi. I wanted to dance all weekend, but tongiht most of all, b/c it was the night they were honoring Neola Spotted Tail, the winyan who is dear to my heart.  I didn't get to participate in teh actual winyan special, because turtle needed to go home, and I know Neola understood.

As i bask in the afterglow of this night... i'm so full. I saw so many faces that I love that love me. So many people i've known for the whole 13 years I've lived here, so many who've known me since that first time i stepped out into that wacipi arena. So many faces I've traveled w/ on that wacipi trail.  Then, all the other faces I've known from different aspects of my life of being home. It was wondeful to dance, to feel my feet and legs going agian. The drums really kicked it up, and while i was wanting to dance fancy, i was in regal company tonight w/ my tribal sisters and Unci"s's as well all danced in a line, supporting our men, supporting our children, our nation, each other, and ourselves.
  
     At grand entry, my little turtle taking my hand, dancing next to me, looking up at me with that look in her eyes, the one only a child can give her mother.  I'm proud to have that gaze on me, honored. It means i'm doing my job well, as hard as i am on myself, as much as i expect perfection of myself, that gaze means, i'm still doing it right.  As we entered the arena, she let go of my hand, danced right next to me, really jamming out, her little sweet spirit making my eyes fill with tears. she's so happy, so free, so secure, so intact. I love her so much. As the winyans rounded the far turn, she searched the bleachers for her Ate'; ran up to him, drug him down to her, and talked a blue streak.  As we lined up, she scampered back and forth between her Ate' and I; i watched her closely, soaking in that moment. Still not able to fully wrap my head around the fact that even three years into it, she's here. shes with us. In all her glory.  i can't help but smile when i see her, watch her. She just absolutely completes me. my little heart child.
She went off to eat w/ ate' and I danced and visted w/ my sisters...i just never get over being a part of this awesome lakota nation. I feel that in these times, at these moments, (wacipis) THIS is really what its all about.  a nation, coming together, with our hearts in the right places, as we heal,sing, dance, celebrate to the sound of the drums.
my second time out i look into the bleachers and saw Unci Sandra...my smile just go huge, and she got that shy smile she gets when i see her. she knows how happy i am to see her. i left the floor and went to her and just hugged her. was soo happy to see her, I'd been looking for her all week. she was here for the neola special too. I didn't get to visit her too much, turtle was getting tired. but we will try and get together this week.
there were so many others too. dear to my heart, ppl who it doesn't matter if we have not seen or talked in months, we can always hug and pick up where we left off, cuz it's the indigenous thing.  it's the thing that i really don't think wasicu's will ever get, not really. for all the troubles we have, the one thing we have over the wasicu's is each other. connection. community. i'm probably just smarting from living here the past two years, because it is soo different. people here are nice enough, but like ive always said, they are fence talkers. they are really happy to see you when you're out an about..but that is as far as it goes. they go their way, you go yours and that's it until the next time you are out.  but with natives, it's unspoken that you will never be alone. not truly. it just goes w/o saying. when someone back home says they are happy to see you, they really mean it. they sit and listen to you talk, and enjoy it, not just waiting for you to stop so they can get out of there.  i'm blathering on now, but. ill try and make it sound better later.
exmaple, when turtle nad i walked in to get dressed two elementary school girls walked in behind us and stuck up a convers. none of us knew each other, but we all sat there and talked and they ended up staying w/ us for a few hours till they went off to do their own thing.  later we saw tehm again and they waved and said hi, and now when we see them again, they'll come visit us, give us a hug and we'll be like old friends. it is circular.. young ones talk and hang out wiht the older ones, who in turn hang out with the uncis.  everyoen togehter.
I'm really being blah blah now. my spellling and grammer is ick. so i'm going to stop..for now.

just an incredible night. loved it, it was healing, and was filling and i'm good.

Friday, December 24, 2010

HAPPY SOLSTICE, Merry Christmas, and YOU rock!!!

My Turtle love,
 we are back in our Tipi!! We have spent the last four days in Rapid, three of them by choice, the last one was due to weather! :)  My gawd, what fun we had! Holiday shopping, hanging out, celebrating solstice, enjoying being together!!!
First, (literally) we went to the solstice spiral among some of our dearest friends!!! ohh how beautiful, and fun, and just RIGHT on. Then we went back to Auntie Karen (B) house and you had a blast running about with the children as Ina and At'e had a blast talking with our friends whom we love dearly.  Eventually, we headed back to the hotel, where we all just crashed!
  Then the next few days, we just did whatever we felt like doing. We were going to come home yesterday, but there was an ice storm overnight and we couldn't get home..{now if we'd already moved to MT...we'd have had no problem :) } So, we just all hung out again. :) We let you have some of your presents because you were getting quite tired of being cooped up. I cant' blame you!
  Today, we left rapid....headed for home...Ina had to let Ate' drive since i was totally freaked by the roads, you my little darling, were lila kuja... we were very worried.  Finally when we hit Wall, you couldnt take it anymore, and were really miserable.  I unstrapped you, took you to the back, laid you down and massaged you and then sang you songs.  Before we knew it, we were at Kadoka.. you were not ready to get back in your seat... and you were better, but not well yet.  I had to go in the station and Olega.... when I came back, you were better! You cesli'd and were completely better! I went back to check on you, you looked up at me, and said, you face bright: "Ina, you healed me!"  It was so sweet, I about cried! (good tears) From that moment on, you were 100%  fine! I was relieved! I was also so grateful that I was able to heal you.  That is what Ina's are for. I'm so honored that we have the connection that enables me to heal you.  I have a big wonderful job being your Ina, but it's in moments like that, when I know I'm doing it right.
I've always known I was a healer..but in that moment, i was able to heal the most important being of all.
I love you dearly. I'm so grateful for you. There is more to say, but I have run out of time. oxoxoxoxo

Friday, December 17, 2010

what's on my mind....

one of the great things that happened when we were in Rapid was I got to see my dear friends KB and JB...and in the smallish amount of time, they managed to unknowingly soothe the chapped parts of my soul that have been exposed to quagmire that is this town.
When thinking of this town the saying: "Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas" OR " Hang out with idiots, catch their disease" I feel is applicable.
Because I see myself growing hard, becoming a BAD parent since our arrival in this 1880's town.  and I HATE it. I hate doing what I hate, which is squaring myself off to fit SOME ONE ELSE'S idea of who/how/what I/we/she should be.  It enrages me.
But we began doing just that.

Except, we are NOT the crazies.

Being w/ and spending time w/ J and KB, seriously, it just calmed me. hearing their successes and their Uhoh's was helpful and healing for me.  Both of them, by their very nature are so soothing that, it just absolutely calmed my ass right down, AND put my head on straight.  We had such great conversations, and I got such good advice that wasn't all "here is some advice" type thing.  (They'd make great Lakota's)

I'm not making any sense on here, because the feelings that they left me with and the lessons I learned from them, I can't even put properly into words.  But i know this.
They were dear to us before, but now, they have just absolutely been snuggled deep into our hearts and the material of our lives henceforth.

K, J and children....we love you all and You all ROCK!!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Turtle time

On Tuesday, Turtle said she wanted to go to dinosaur park, we were actually in the car heading to  mission to go to a lakota studies gathering that I'd caught wind of; but she said: " I dont want to go to Sinte, I want to go to Dinosaur Park. So, I turned the car around, checked in w/ mihigna, went home, packed an overnight bag, and we headed out.
 I figured we could get in and out before the craziness that is LNI, but we ended up staying two more days. :)  Just her and me. I love being able to do whatever, becuase she wants to do it.  There are enough NO's in the world,why not give all the yes' I can?  
  It was so fun, so healing for us, and just such a great time!!!
 We shopped, hung out, went to the bookstore, all kinds of great stuff.  She is so much fun to be with, everywhere we went I saw people watching us, but that is all I saw, I don't care why, or what they thought, or anything, all that mattered was Turtle and her Ina were together, and she is my favorite person to hang out w/.  Now, taht being said, we did miss Mihigna.  But we still had lots of fun.

there is more to this, but right now we are home, and I want to go cuddle w/ my fam.
for now MBB